Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Fifth month of WAW (Thread 4)

It all sounds positive to me, too, Brit.

Stay positive. Stay calm.

Sort of - She hasn't really done dinner for us together in the last few months. She always used to make dinner in the evening, but gradually lost interest because she didn't eat anything at night. Now we're kind of backwards to that - She doesn't eat much for lunch, and only eats something good at home if we're together, or we go somewhere.

Mostly a positive evening - W looked pretty sick and exhausted. She made us dinner (chicken and stuff), which we all pretty much gobbled down. We played with D for a while, gave her a bath and put her to bed. W and I ended up watching TV together for a while, then I finally convinced her that she needed some decongestants and antihistamines. After I picked them up, we finished up watching TV and I told her it was time for me to leave. She sounded pretty disappointed, but also said that she found it stressful to 'entertain' people.

When I left, W hugged me a lot, kissed me - The usual deal. As I was walking out the door, on a whim I just grabbed her and kissed her again. She didn't seem to resist.

I have no idea why she invited me over for dinner tonight - When I told her I could stay a while and help her with chores around the house she said that I didn't have to because I 'had my own life'. Of course, then she showed me all the Christmas cards she got for us and that we can put the Santa picture of D in it.

W asked me if we could switch Tues/Wed nights with D because she has to do something at work tomorrow night - Not sure if I entirely believe her, but in spite of everything she hasn't all out lied about what she is doing (if she says she's going out, she goes out - if she says she's going to work, she goes to work). She still wants us to go out to dinner together with D before she has to go to work.

The one thing that did concern me was that she had some instructions to fix something on her car and she said OM could do it for her. I commented that I thought she wasn't talking to OM anymore, and she sort of mumbled off something about how she wasn't sure. She didn't have much else to say about it. I'm losing track of how many times W has fallen on her face with that whole thing. Should I think about going dark? Should I keep doing what I'm doing? Should I push W a little more to see if she'll react in any way at all?

Part of me feels like I'm making progress, but part of me also thinks that it's a battle that there is no winning outcome for anyone. W just seems like she has lost all of her energy and spark in the last five months.

I think that you are seeing positive gains in your situation. I would hold tight and be consistent. I don't think going dark would help anything. It would probably hurt things a great deal actually. It seems like your W is comfortable coming to you with issues she's having right now. If you go dark, you run the risk of losing that. It could really push her to the OM. Patience Brit. Time is your ally in this.

I wouldn't go black now if I were you. Although W flip flops on the OM, she consistently comes to you for validation, etc. As long as she is open to spending time w/ you and it is positive I say stay in the picture.

Yeah, you're right - I guess I'm just looking for something to kick her in the butt, but like you said, only time is going to bring that. I've not seen much in terms of 'positive gains' recently, but it's all sort of a blur. Her inviting me over for dinner last night was unusual, but we have spent so much time together over the last month that I have honestly lost track of who invited who for what, and where we've been. We've talked on IM pretty much all day long, and last we talked about it, we're going out for dinner tonight with D.

The whole OM thing is almost laughable - He appears to have no interest at all in having a R with my W. W still hangs onto that hope, but they've spent no time together outside of work since she moved out. It is going to take her a while to get it into her head that he doesn't want an R with her, but I think it is slowly starting to sink in. I'm just sort of sitting back and watching it all happen - It's all just pathetic.

I don't get why she plans for us to spend so much time together - So much for being 'separated' I guess. I swear we lose 10hrs a week between us just driving around between each other's house.

Brit, my C told me yesterday to stop inviting H to do things w/ us. She thinks he says yes because he can't say no. Not sure why he can't. Maybe it is guilt or something. Anyway, your W might be the same way. Maybe you should pull back from giving her invites and she if she invites you. I know you have gotten into your patterns of eating at certain places on certain nights. Don't ask about the say Fri. and see if she asks if you are going for Mexican.

We're out of town Friday together, but she's been talking to me since about 9:30 when she got home from work - We ended up not going out tonight, but she asked me if we can go to dinner tomorrow.

I really wasn't sure if she was working late tonight, but she has been really straight forward with me recently - Even though we don't live together, she tells me where she is going, what she is doing, who she is going with. I'm not sure if she is consciously working to rebuild my trust in her, but it is working.

Well, tonight was a big giant bag of suck.

W and I had moved our usual Tuesday evening with D to Wednesday because she was working yesterday. W and I talked a little today, but not a whole lot - She seemed pretty distracted all day long. Anyway, I came home, picked up D and drove over to her house. I was pretty frustrated and tired after a boring day at work, but I sucked it up and got to W's house. We got together and drove over to the restaurant for dinner - On the way she asked if I had organized the hotel for tomorrow night, and I told her I had (even though she asked last weekend). She then asked if I got one bed or two. The response to one was "Wow, you're optimistic, aren't you?". I asked if I should change it, and she said it was okay.

We were both pretty quiet at dinner, but we played with D and tried to have a good time. W asked me what was wrong, but I just brushed her off and we made small talk. Eventually I ended up telling her that the house will be sold in mid-January and I need to find somewhere else to live. She didn't have much to say about it, toher than "I'm sure you'll find something".

We went back to W's house, got D ready for bed and she crashed pretty quickly. W and I watched TV for a while, then we talked a lot - It was strange. I'm just going to break it out into bullet points because I can't keep track of it all - No particular order.

1) W talked a lot about 'relationships'. She told me that she wasn't ready for another one, because she can't depend on anyone. She said she resented wasting so much time with people over the last ten years, but that her relationship with me was 'the best'. She said that she often gets caught up in the 'romance' of a relationship and doesn't deal well with the reality of it. The usual can't trust/can't rely on anyone/doesn't want to be disappointed again.

2) W said she was very disappointed with how things turned out. She talked a lot about how we did so much so quickly that we 'burned out'. She also added the usual 'I don't think people change'.

3) W made a lot of comments about me - Mostly positive. That I had been through so many changes and stress when we were first together that it was overwhelming. She also told me that she forgave me for things that happened, although she also said she can't forget.

W was very receptive to physical contact - We hugged a lot, cried some, kissed. She told me that she loved me. Honestly, W just looked so exhausted and stressed out. I did a lot of listening, validating and I did my best to appreciate her point of view.

When I left I joked with W about taking one of her cats, then I went back in and gave her a kiss. She asked why I did that, so I just said "because I think we can do better" and left it at that. She said we could talk more tomorrow. We pretty much have to spend Thursday evening and all of Friday together, so we shall see how that goes.

I really don't get why W does a lot of what she does - Invites me over for dinner, tells me everything (almost) that is going on with her, kisses/hugs/ILY, and so forth. Maybe it doesn't matter, and it is all just a 'what you do, not what you say' thing.

Any suggestions where to go from here?

To me the night doesn't sound that bad. At least I think that you did real well. You listened and validated her feelings even when you might not have agreed with them and they were hard to hear. She's obviously confused as to what she's doing in life right now. You let her know that you think that things can be better.

I don't think that you are in a worse place than you were before. If anything you know more information now, right? I don't think that you need to do anything different right now. You need to be a pillar of strength and consistency because she is confused and lost.


It sounds like she's talking about the infatuation stage of a relationship. Are you speaking her love language? I'm not sure how you get her to realize that real love is a choice, but that's the realization it seems like she needs to come to. I'm sure that you already know this though...

Peace,
B