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I do still feel sick and for a few reasons. One of them being that I am obviously still a scared, pathetic LBS inside. I'm still afraid that I can't be what he needs/wants. I'm still afraid that he's going to change his mind. So, what this says to me is that I am correct when I said a few days or weeks ago that for some reason I truly am not happy w/ myself, don't really know why and don't really know who I am anymore. What happened between those first few months after H left and now when I was feeling so strong & confident and sure of myself? I honestly don't know. I don't like feeling like I'm *dependent* on my H and my M to the point of practically groveling at his feet the way I felt I needed to this afternoon after my comment.

Then there is the other side of the coin to my personality -- I tend to get defensive & angry when I feel as though I am kissing H's a$$ and feeling as though I wouldn't be able to live w/o him. That's when I start acting *nasty-like* toward him -- hence the comment I made today?

Then there's the "damn it, Kelly, why can't you just be happy w/ what you have?" After all that's happened this past year, why CAN'T I just forgive and FORGET and get on w/ my life w/ my wonderful H who says he loves me??

Do you want to know what this dumb, little, red-neck hick town hillbilly thinks about this? And where did you get that 3 sided coin?

I see a woman thats been away from her husband for what 6 - 7 months...been through a pretty intense surgery...followed up by a lot of pain from an infection...managed to hold down fort at the house...took care of 3 young boys - alone...and still manages to find a way to make a long distance relationship work. Hmmmmm, I'm seeing alot of built up anxiety that just maybe is being intrepreted as fear or dependence.

Maybe it's just me, but throughout your whole story...I'm not seeing a whole lot of dependence on your part. I'm seeing a very strong girl that's gone through a lot and is still standing. Enjoy your time together...don't worry about making the house immaculate--he's a man for crying out loud!! Relax and do something nice for yourself

BIG DITTO! Hugs, Kelly!!

Ok, I'm seriously just praying right now -- let me just let this go and let H just let it go.

I'm going to forget about my fear of H deciding he was wrong and really doesn't love me.

I'm going to just stay upbeat whenever I talk to him between now and the time he gets home AND THEN

I'm just going to be a hot little redhead w/ his 3 boys running around at the airport when we pick him up (man, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it).

Yeah, emotional? Yeah.

You are both going to be emotional. Just go with the flow.

((((HUGS)))))

Saffie

Ok, end of the story - H emailed me from work which he has never done before since he's been over there. Said he was not mad, that it took him by surprise when I said that, but that he was not going to make a big deal out of it since he's so looking forward to getting home to the boys & I in the next few days. Ended the email w/ I love you & miss you dearly.

Ok, another lesson learned. I know I have some soul searching to do as far as why I am still so insecure in myself and our M when H has been nothing but committed since he left and I also need to remember the 48 hour rule AND how very lucky I am to have this 2nd chance and I need to quit trying to blow it.

Thanks for all the support guys -- I was truly freaked out and upset about that whole thing. Not normally a drama queen, however, after the feelings during the whole D sitch, sh!t, I got scared today!

Red, don't be surprised by this or feel like you're overreacting, a drama queen, etc. Sure, you opened your mouth when you might have been better advised to keep it shut, but your husband seems to have taken it in stride. Don't discount the power of anniversaries, like coming up to the anniversary of all the affair/divorce stuff. I imagine it's no less potent than the anniversary of a death. My grandmother died in January *years* ago, and every January still throws my mom for a loop. Expect some weird emotional stuff, and cut yourself a break.

Well, talked to H this a.m. (his Thurs night already) and he didn't go out like I figured he would. Things are better, although I can tell still a little strained as we both try to act like nothing happened. I know that it's ok though, we only have 3 days to go -- he really only has 1 and then he's on a plane -- and each time we talk, we are going to be more & more excited about him coming home and it will just go away. I'm just being upbeat and acting like it didn't happen. Thanks for all the support !!!!

Oh & we did end up emailing back & forth just a few more times last night. I told him I was trying to figure out if I should put the silk sheets on the bed and if he wanted to try them out (he sent them to me from Korea, so he hasn't used them yet). He said he didn't care as long as he was w/ me

Red,

Can you do me a really big favor?? You've been away from your husband for what must seem like years...You've planned this whole reunion out and how you want it to be perfect....I know you've replayed over and over in your mind how things should go when he gets here {if you tell me you haven't....bullsh!t !! You're lying} We are all hoping that this goes just like a fairy tale....I know I am. But Red, we all know what sometimes happens with plans right??? They sometimes get f*cked up....somebody at the airport, babbling on their cell phone about the Spurs game, isn't watching where they are going, bumps into you and spills coffee on your outfit that you had all planned out for that perfect reception with your husband.....What is Red going to do? {after she shoves the cell phone up the guys azz....sideways } What are you going to do when some little thing does not go quite like what you had in mind?

"Do what I gotta do" as always Trust me, I've already thought about it -- something always happens when trying to fly out of Dallas to here, so I'm already prepared for him getting in late.

I know things cannot be *perfect,* so I promise I will just take it all in stride, be thankful that he's home and just enjoy. PROMISE.

Oh and don't forget S3 will probably poop in his drawers while waiting at the airport. Can't forget that one