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Mako is right. Introvert/Extrovert, committed/not committed, same house/different state, kids/no kids, OM/no OM. None of it really matters. Your job doesn't change. Pray to God, Take care of yourself, Love your W.

I can't express enough how much you really have to rely on Faith during this process. Michelle implies it with "believe none of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see." You have to really have Faith in yourself - that you are a good man, capable of dealing, changing and becoming a better man. Faith in your W - that even though she is struggling, deep down, she meant what she said on your wedding day. Faith in your R - that though we all made errors in our M, our bond to our W is so much stronger. And most importantly, Faith in God. So many people say they believe in God - but you truly have to make the leap from "I believe in God" to "I believe God" - not in. You have to believe what He says to you in scripture and what He wispers into your soul. When you can say I believe God, not just "in God", you'll find the peace in knowing this will all work out. And it will.

Thanks mako and I_W,

I talked to the C about the intro stuff instead and he basically said the same thing you posted. So you make a lot of sense to me, do you have a C degree? Anyway, I think you are right. Regardless of what she does it really does not change what I know I have to do. I will just have to try to continue to be patient and show her what our M can be. Hopefully, she will eventually see that this is what she wants and then she will committ. I may read the book and try to understand some of the things in it so that I can be supportive of her path. If she needs "down time" then if I can fulfill her needs then that is probably what I should do.

I agree with trying to argue with her about it. It would come off as not validating her and that would not be good at all. She has a X-mas party at work tonight and she is not sure she wants to go. She said that she is exhausted. I asked her if she wanted to go alone or if she wanted me to go with her and she mentioned that some of her friends from work were going alone. I think that if she goes she will want to go alone. We will see.

I am working on my faith. I sometimes get bogged down in the details and my faith weakens. It is so important to pray everyday and have faith that the good lord will grant us peace regardless of the outcome. Thank you for the encouragement I_W.

Let me add a few things about confidence (aka faith) - you are sorely lacking in it.

From you're first paragraph:
"I will have to try", "Hopefully", "try to understand", "if I can", "probably"

And all that lack of confidence/faith shows up in paragraph 2 - "I asked her if she wanted to go alone or if she wanted me to go with her..." Waw-p, she's your wife! You go. You don't ask. Act "as-if", because as-if is where you are right now. Married. Don't let this stymie your growth. She needs you to be a leader. Pick a direction. And stay the course. Show her you know what you want, God promises these things, and for as long as it takes, you will bust this D and love her.

On my whiteboard on my fridge, I wrote "No Winners, No Losers, No Time Limit". I'm sure you can guess what that's a reference to.

I'm no C. I'm a humble man who has been blessed with some wisdom, through experience. And though my W and I are 2300 miles apart - we communicate everyday and I'm "getting it" 14 months later.

Stay the course.

yes you love her, but no you don't NEED her. you need God, but you don't need your wife. elimiate that feeling of need, and it will help you. truly learn that you cannot rely on other people for your happiness.


guess everyones already said it though.


I'm very glad to hear how your going to try, and use patience. A long time ago I thought I heard a pastor say that if you hear something three times, then you KNOW God is trying to tell you something. So, obviously patience is something you need to work on! so do all of us though.

I_W, at the moment I have forgotten the history of was's past, but if it was about him not being confident and never making decisions, then I think what you said about acting as if on the xmas party could be a good thing. However, either way, I think he needs to watch the results of that approach.

it doesn't hurt to try different approaches, as long as you don't keep doing what doesn't work.

Thanks ST and I_W,

You are right I_W. I had a good talk with a good christian friend of mine and we discussed the very topic of faith and my attitude. The devil wants nothing more than to have me doubt, question, or half-heartedly approach my faith and my M. I am making a stand. I am going to be happy whether she wants to be in my life or not. I am going to be the best H and man I can be and if she chooses to be with me then that is great...if not, then it will be her decision and her loss. She will have to accept responsibility for her choices and her behavior. Not me. I have been reading "The DNA of Relationships" and it is the most insightful book on relationships that I have ever read. It is helping me understand a lot and to gain some wisdom. I pray that I will also gain clarity along with it. The lord has blessed me and I realize that. It could always be worse.

I did not have to be concerned about the X-mas party. She actually stayed home and we went out to eat and then to Walmart. Not a big deal but we did have some good light conversation and this morning I helped her cook some things for a X-mas party tomorrow afternoon. It is good to spend time with her. I am just concentrating on being her good friend and being the best H and man that I can be. We will see how it goes. Thank you for the additional info and the advice.