Thanks. thanks, so much for your kind words and support. It is really helpful and encouraging. The glimpse of strenght I have I get from you guys. I did not try the DB counsels yet, I think I will give it a go. You all are right, it's so painful, the snooping, but what else can we do when we feel in limbo to protect ourselves?I feel so guilty but I keep wondering what are the choices I have? He used the computer today and all that he left was tons of screaming tracks in google search saying "if you are snooping, just know that ILY." I gave up and changed all my firewalls and other things I could use to snoop. I don't know yet if I did it because I realized no matter what he will always lie or if I am hopeful he will change so much that someday my gut feeling will tell me to relax.
Instead of being glad I thought it was so crazy, what we have become.
Yes, I can't put it under the rug. I can't quit my boundaries, I don't want to feel manipulated again and I want us both to have a good, sane life.
I though about this feeling I have to call the quits. I have decided not to do anything right now. It's weird how dettached I am feeling and how I don't feel like involving myself with him. I know everybody here is going through a lot, and I don't want anyone to feel bad by reading this, but suddenly I realized it is a few days until the year end. I wish it was January already. I am planning to talk to my doctor about this and tell him I just wish to sleep as many hours from Dec 31st to Jan 1st. I am making plans to be around caring people. I can't bear the retrospective that will flash in my mind at New Year's Eve. I know it's a simbolic date but just to think about it makes me sick. Christmas is easier because of my family.
Anyway, thanks again. You gave me a lot to think about, and it's comforting.
Things outside me are calm, inside me are stirring. Had an angry weekend. We have these dettached R conversations, like things are not happening to us, but with someone else. I just can't cope with the latest H's excuses and when he says his mistakes were just a "male thing". Didn't know if I laughed or cried when H gave a common friend that is divorcing, advice. Finally I was able to introduce to him my thoughts about how gender was not an excuse for character flaws.
Anyway, I've been busy and it's helpful. Decided to reconnect with some old friends I have lost contact with. Some of them was taken away by time, others by conflict.
It's been healing because I found out that thinking about them and getting their reponses shows that time passes by and make us forgive. I have decided to do that as one resolution for the next year. It's been an exercise to remind me this too shall pass.
I'm SOOO glad you are reconnecting with old friends. I did that just last week with a friend that I haven't seen in nearly 15 years. It was like we just saw each other. We hugged and cried and told each other that all was in the past. We're connecting again and all is okay. That's a good feeling. I kind of let friends go. Not intentionally, but because I wrapped myself up in my M so tightly. I'm kind of doing the same thing...looking up old friends. Good for you.
Take care. I'm thinking of you.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Good times and hard times these past days. I got sick as it's really hot here. H is taking turns between being sweet and being nasty. He is talking all the time again about how he thinks I will leave him, but now he is adding very strongly that he won't let me separate, how he is trying, how he is walking the line and I am not responding to it which is not true, I was just mellow because I was sick.
My computer got a bad, difficult virus, again, and I had to fix it. Guess what I found even though I was not snooping? This woman, one of the date site he was on is sending him virtual cards. First I thought it was the virus but then I saw the message. I could check that he is not replying to them. I did not confront him yet and I don't know if I will. I am just tired of this type of discussion. So I am being friendly and I will take my time to see what I will do. The weird part is that I didn't care as much as before.
Gladly reconnecting with old friends are keeping me in good spirits.
Unfortunately last night a dear friend called me to talk and told me her H just confessed he was seeing someone else, kind of an emotional affair and the start of a PA. She was devastated because he said it was her fault. It is one of those cases where she thought nothing was wrong with her R and now he is blaming her for everything. I did my best to calm her down and told her about some of our talks here. She did not know I went through it too and when we talked and I told her part of my sitch she was glad she called me. My H was around and he picked up the phone when she called.By what she said to him he could figure it out right away what was happening. He just kept coming in the room I was and I had to tell him to let me have my privacy.
When I hang up he started to comment on how her H was crazy to do that and criticize him. I got mad but just said calmly to him how he could criticize someone when he did the same thing, like he was better than her H.
Now the weird part is that he said I was bitter towards men. At this point I thought how wrong he was as I had the opportunity to read the threads of H, Jar, OM and thought to myself that I could never be bitter towards men after reading how strong and good H's they are. I told him he was mistaken, I could be bitter about women too as some accept to connect with married men. He said his reaction was because of what happened to us and how he admires women now. He said: - Remember when I thought I would have a hard time having a woman as a boss? Well, now I was contacted for a job opportunity where I would have a female boss and I am gladly willing to check it. You don't know how I have changed my mind lately.I had a MLC earlier than I supposed to and I think this guy is crazy to throw the good things in his life away.
With that he just got me, I could see he was sincere. I am glad for his 180 on this. Clumsly I think we are learning about each other in this M. But now, after going through what happened I have this traffic light in my head that gets yellow because of everything he have said before and lied about. I am trying not to react to it and let it be.
But still I have to figure out what to do about the card. Despite sometimes it seems I am wasting precious time I am trying to be patience as a scientific researcher and see where he is going to.
Ufff, long post... thanks for hearing.
PS: H was very concerned that as I was sick and the subject about why my friend called would relive the pain he inflicted me and I would be nasty to him. Guess I had not been that neglectful at all, huh?
HAL, First of all it's nice to hear from you, just wish you had some better news.
If he says he is ready to walk the line, I think you are going to have to confront him with everything you know and set some boundaries. He has definitely has a problem. Any chance he would go to individual counseling or marriage counseling?
Hugs
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
He's been in counseling for 4 years now and he's changed his C recently after what happened. We've tried MC but he feels threatened when the C starts to address what is his part of the action plan and follows it up.
I am starting to feel he's one of those people that only realizes things when they have strong consequences. A professional coach told me once that only 1 in 5 people that are addicted to drugs recover. You know why? Because it's the one that survived to death. So they only recover when they see death.
I think I should comfront him too. I am trying to figure out how to do it, if we have one of those exhausting R talks or if I bring this to the table along with the strong consequences.
I was thinking is there any suggestions on something in the middle? Like a different way of an R talk?
I don't know what to suggest to you about something in the middle. I wish I did. Could you talk to his counselor or maybe talk to a counselor yourself.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Unfortunately last night a dear friend called me to talk and told me her H just confessed he was seeing someone else, kind of an emotional affair and the start of a PA. She was devastated because he said it was her fault. It is one of those cases where she thought nothing was wrong with her R and now he is blaming her for everything.
Tell your poor friend she isn't alone. LWB is with her.....I can only imagine her raw pain right now. Glad you could be there with her.
Good to hear from you, Miss hal....Sounds like you calmly talked to H and he listened and responded. I think he is so worried you are going to hang this over his head for the rest of his life. What he doesn't realize is that his actions and time are the only things that would stop this from happening...
