Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The answer was staring me in the face all the time

Isn't there an exercise in the Rebuilding book that talks about writing a letter to get some of the anger out?? Looks like you might be (accidentally) doing some of the work they suggested.

I completely understand how minimal contact can throw you into a tizzy. I feel so angry at how it appears my H is getting to go thru all of this unscathed. The Rebuilding book tried to say that if you could stack the emotions of the dumpee against the dumper, that the dumpee might have suffered worse because they started before us, dragged it on for a longer period of time and feel so guilty. Yeah. right. whatever. boo f'ing hoo. cry me a river.

So, is your life (physically) basically how it will be 5 months from now? Meaning- I need to move out of my house, the joint bank account will be closed, the joint credit card will be closed; there are a lot of things that will be very different in a few months and so this time period still feels sort of limbo'ish for me. Even though I know where we are headed, I am not physically there, so I still have some fear. Are you able to basically just focus on dealing with the emotional aspects of your life and not the physical practicalities?

Trixi,

I think you are right, there is an exercise in the book about writing a letter, in fact I think I have seen it mentioned elsewhere too (a Dobson's letter?). It's probably worth me having a go at that, I clearly have a lot of emotions still to work through. How are you finding the book by the way?

It sometimes seems odd that such minor contact can bring so much emotion to the surface. I guess one reason might be that it all seems so matter of fact, so emotionless. I often think "why aren't you (my W) exhibiting the emotional impact of this situation?". The desire to shout "I hate what is happening between us" is sometimes very strong. I find that there is also a lot of emotion attached to feeling like I have been given little or no information about why she has behaved this way and in particular about not being given a chance to rebuild our R. Finally, there is the sense of absolute betrayal and deceit that I currently feel. Did I really mean so little to her to be treated this way?

I can understand that the dumper may have been going through this emotional journey for a long time, but if she was, I never noticed because I like to think I would have done something if I had. Another theme is how little time my W ever thinks about what has happened between us (post bomb). Work and other things have always come across as being far more important. I guess that is an indication of how much she had moved on by the time she exploded the bomb. I find that very sad. We never sychronized. She doesn't even demonstrate any guilt, if anything I am the one who is labelled as being unrealistic and emotionally stunted in having a reaction to what has happened. For her it is all part of life, very matter of fact.

At the moment my life - at least in terms of day to day stuff - is roughly how it will be in 5 months time, excluding all the improvements I have planned for it of course! I will still be living here, working at the same place, etc. However, we have only just started untangling our finances and trying to agree some sort of terms, i.e. who gets what. This process is going to last a few months and could be pretty painful. In reality, the practical stuff and some pleasantries are the only reasons we have had any contact since the separation. In fact, since she left the only time we have done anything vaguely friendship based is when we went to a bar for an evening just before my holiday in Turkey, and that was good. She refuses to do anything else. Well, I guess with the OM on the scene and our R declared dead that's no suprise. She just doesn't want to invest anything at all in our R. It's in the past.

In summary, I guess the difference will be that our lives should be completely separate by then and they aren't just yet. In that sense I am still in limbo and dealing with both the emotional and practical issues. I know finances will be tighter too, especially once I am solely reponsible for paying a larger mortgage. I'm not looking forwards to that.

Finally emailed my W and let her know that I know about her new man (OM) when I saw them at the weekend.

The reply:

"I detected a change in tone and I did wonder if you might have seen me at the weekend. I have been wondering what to do/say about that."

Fantastic!

I've just had to save my reply to a draft folder, it's both too strong to send and expresses far too little of what I feel. "That" - nice summary of the situation there.

I just want to scream sometimes.

Max

How good of her to wonder what to do about 'that' but then not face it head on. nice.

I have wonder- how does the email that you saved to draft both be "too strong" and also not have enough "feeling"?

Trixi,

It doesn't explore the sheer range of feelings I have (normally raised when I have some form of contact), but I'm still at the stage where I feel expressing myself to her will make this whole process become much harder to go through. I can't bear the thought of a bitter, drawn out divorce.

That reminds me, I still need to write that letter to myself. Another thing to add to this weekend's list.

Always glad to see you pop by. Hope you're doing well.

Max

Actually, the more I read this, the more ambiguous it becomes. So much so I no longer know what she means. It could be:

[1] I wondered how to tell you I am with someone else now.
[2] I wondered how to broach the subject of your change in mood.
[3] I actually saw you on Saturday and didn't like the fact ...
(a) ... you ignored me.
or (b) ... that you tried to ring me a few times afterwards.
or (c) ... that I think that you have been snooping (which I haven't).

The other odd things is she says 'saw me' not 'saw us'. Surely if she is getting letters addressed to the both of them, shopping together, visiting the city where he lives that is good evidence that they are a couple. I'm not going mad am I?