Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE H said our M is "platonic"

Thanks Lil.

I don't know if he has rage or not. He says he's happier than he has ever been. Is he in denial? Probably.
Probably doesn't help that I had all that hot sex while S. But he would never admit to any of that.
No real intimacy and no real sex.
I guess that doesn't even make us best friends. It makes us cordial friends who don't even tell each other the truth.



LFL

Well, LFL, I have followed your story ever since you arrived here, and not for the M and M's you throw my way every now and then, and as I recall, the two of you did make it work way back when because you both were motivated. It can be done. I joke about being lazy...but I don't wander too far from this board, now do I? Marriage is hard work...maybe it shouldn't be, but that's my experience of it. I feel like lighting a fire under your H's a$$ this minute.

LFL,
Sorry to hear that. I'm feeling that I'm in the same boat, ableit without the separation and hot sex during that time, lol. We've done the counseling, the marriage encounter and the monthly couples group after the marriage encounter and the net result is the worst year yet for sex.

I don't have any good solutions for you. My kid is 12 and I'm worried that a D would devastate him as he's a sensitive kid. I don't want to put us both in bankruptcy either and right now we're dealing with her being laid off suddenly in Mid-November due to a company "realignment". (Gotta love the new corporate terminology).

So it's live as is or put everyone through pain. I'm not thrilled with that option either.

Scott

LFL, sorry to hear hear the friends/platonic word.

If Karen1 reads here, same goes for her situation.

It is tough to read about SSW's when things are scarse in my area.

Lou

Dom that is not at all the same thing. In fact, it's pretty much just the opposite. That says, quite literally, is that he would PREFER things be different in the sex department, rather than him being perfectly happy as things are.

Then why doesn't he bone up and make it different? Same advice you gave to Sandi, only in male format.

LFL, just wishing your H would (bone up) and enjoy it.

Lots of guys get left-overs when it comes to sex. I don't think of you as serving left-overs LFL.

Keep warm up there in the F lakes area.

Lou, I rest my case.

LFL, perhaps I am not getting the tone well enough but I hear you saying a couple of contradictory things. On the one hand you say that he wishes the sex life was different and on the other hand you say that you don't find him attractive and have no desire to have sex with him.

Ok, I am quite sure you have had all the same convos I've had with my W. I know you have done most if not all of the heavy lifting in your R. I am sure you have done this so much it makes you want to scream. I get it and I really am in your corner here.

That being said, how can a man who has less drive than you (and probably feels less of a man because of it) possibly work on fixing things when he senses that he is not desired and is unattractive? I mean, I am much more highly driven than my wife and I will stop in the middle of sex if I get the feeling that it is just "duty" sex devoid of desire. How can he possibly be the sexually assertive and confident man that you want under these conditions? In my world I can rationalize that my wife doesn't desire me because she doesn't desire anybody. Your H must have thoughts of "she desires others but I am simply not good enough". Hell, I'm not even sure I could perform with that thought running through my head.

Once he said that he didn't have any intention of having a real sexual relationship with you, he lost all right to hold you to a promise of not having sex elsewhere. If you start dating and he complains, you can say "I wish things were 'different' but I'm content with the way things are now".

Or, to put it another way "In the near future, I will be getting laid regularly. Would you like to participate?"



As opposed to him, who loves you as a person and is totally not being a jerk by insisting that you spend the rest of your life not having regular sex at all with anyone. It was bad enough when we were forced to live that way through several long dreary years of adolescence... this is the rest of your life we're talking about.

I'm not saying go to war with him or anything, mind you.



You might want to mention that leaving you sexually frustrated with no intention to do anything to fix that combined with a demand not to get it elsewhere is also a "dealbreaker".



You got it. He could use a good dose of the truth. If you're lucky, it might even get him to cut the BS and face whatever's going on with him and act like a real friend and maybe a even a lover sooner rather than later. But don't wait around hoping for it without really seeing it!

LFL:

I'm going to do a big major DITTO on Crazy Eddie's post. Though, he's much more eloquent and kind that I am... wow, now there's a surprise.

I'm sorry, sweety, you can't take that last convo lying down... you just can't. Well, no, you can... sure... you can.

I dunno... Fergie and Price Andrew lived in the same abode after they divorced so as not to upset their girls... granted... they live in a mansion... but... it can be done...

Wish I had some really good Corri advice for you. I'm so sorry.... in absence of that... can I just send a cyber hug?

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ LFL }}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Motivation is a key point RJ. I don't think either one of us feel very motivated to do much more.

I'm so stressed today I called in sick to work. I never do that.

Meanwhile, H bounces around all morning like nothing is wrong. Off to work he goes like nothing major is happening around here. It really freaks me out how emotionally distant he can be. I'm just not like that.

LFL

Thanks Scott.



The kids are the biggest issue for me too. I can deal with the money stuff, etc. But I need to know the kids will be ok. But how do you ever know that until you go through it. It's heartbreaking.

LFL