Please don't ask me for help any more. I'm not in a place where I can help anybody. My life is a shambles, I'm financially beat, emotionally beat and I just have to regroup somehow.
Even though I do take medication to help me focus (Concerta) the real problem in my life is that I get these overwhelming anxiety attacks by the afternoon and I can't focus on anything.
I just don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. My hands are shaking and my head is dizzy. How sad that I have fallen so far.
So much damage has been done to my self esteem because I don't finish projects in a timely manner since I have very limited times where I can focus, the rest of the time is wasted. The partners I have had in various ventures (including in-laws) screwed up the businesses and when push came to shove they of course made sure They were provided for, and left me nowhere, or at least bad off while they are stable.
People don't really care or understand that when you put your trust in them they have an obligation to you. But then, I haven't been a very high performance partner, yet I know I can say that I've advanced their businesses and projects more than any other 3 software engineers could have. Even when I suck I'm still better than the 'average' s/w engineer.
I know it's all my fault, and I need to do something, but what? I don't know why I have anxiety all the time. I don't know how to stop it. During the 'DB' phase 2 years ago I was on Wellbutrin which messes up your intimacy but keeps you at a steady emotional state. I still couldn't focus and when we reconciled I had to get off it so I could 'feel' again.
That's probably how I got to where I am. I had to feel again, and I've felt EVERYTHING. The anxiety is so overwhelming, it's like having electricity in your whole body. One way to describe it is that feeling you get when you are 'surprised / scared' and your adrenaline has a burst. Except for me it lasts for hours.
I can't do this any more. I searched and searched and I found something that seems to describe the hopelessness and anxiety I feel in the afternoons. It's this thing called 'hypoglycemia' where your body messes up and makes adrenaline and other things in excess, which keeps you in the edgy 'fight or flight' mode, kind of the opposite of being a Diabetic.
I'm hoping that if I start being aware of my foods and take the right supplements I can stop this emotional rollercoaster.
It got so bad that for a while I started drinking in the evenings because of the pain and panic. That was a bad idea because in the end it amplifies the anxiety the next day. I had to stop that.
My wife has been 'waiting' for me to 'figure this out' since she does love me and that's her idea of support, to 'wait for me to figure it out'. She feels that she can't do anything to help 'fix me' because that is my responsibility. She will be 'supportive' (whatever that means - it seems to mean she won't get mad at me when I'm not functioning)
I guess I've reached a place of intense emotion. I saw AmyC's post the other day about how she was going to live to see the day her husband is healed, and I realized that my wife is not that kind of person - the kind that will 'take charge' and be my 'rock'.
I often find myself being really unhappy about that, because I keep thinking that she SHOULD do something, put some kind of energy into me. She does that for everyone else.
She's a massage therapist and has said to me that she can 'counsel' her clients about their personal issues because there is some disconnect between her and them. But she can't do the same with me because we're too close.
I guess I can understand that. I can give great advice to people on this board, but none for myself.
She is currently unhappy because everything was 'fixed' but then I slowly burned out and she is tired of waiting for that 'happy life' to show up and that it seems like I'm never going to be happy. The stress levels are too much for her. She wants to 'grow' and move on with life.
I don't blame her, she isn't getting any younger and why would anyone stay in a life that is full of financial stress and emotional stress with a man that she loves, but can't be happy with because he can't be happy?
She's not leaving, she has just said she's not happy and she wants to be happy and maybe we're just not going to be able to do that together. Maybe she's right.
DB'ing is not the thing to do right now. I told her that. I said that whatever she needs to do she should do, that I have to get into my deep sh1t and somehow find my way to the other side with or without her. I really want to start being happier, I just feel so overwhelmed.
This isn't the board to discuss these things. I just don't want to disappear without sharing my story.
So, the lesson here is that yes, I did all the right things to help my wife through her crisis, her affair, and her growth. But I sacrificed myself when I did all this. In the end there was nothing left for me, and I guess even though she went through a lot of growth, the bottom line is she isn't the woman who can handle my intensity. She NEEDS a 'rock'. That's who she is.
So, if we're to be together then I have to handle it myself, still alone. Like Jeff223 said "You will be [alone]".
So true. But as my old friend Spitfire said, "You are now, and have always been, a survivor."
Well, she's right. I'm just so tired of HAVING to be a survivor. Maybe this will be the last time.
It really hurts. I hope I haven't let anyone down. I'm trying to find a board where I can get some help to save 'me'. Not my marriage, me. I have to fix myself or die trying.
First off, you did not let anyone down. You helped me to grow as a man over the past year - a price I can never repay. I never knew what a real man was until our "heated" discussions. Only when I listened to what you were really saying did I finally "get it"
I am not the only one you touched.
Have a doc check you out since chemical imbalance can do it to us.
We are alone. That is perhaps the single most profound thing that you and others here have taught me. It is up to us. If we become dependent on others or events, or worse co-dependent, then we are doomed.
That was what was behind my anxiety and anger - I focused outside rather than within. Once I accepted I was alone, and I still am not there 100% yet, I am beginning to find that inner peace and strength.
It is up to me. Only me. But I also accept the support of people like you.
Anxiety is overturned by courage.
From what I read "frank_D" = courage.
Like the Warrior who lost many of his men in battle, many friends, and takes it personally - the Warrior no longer wants to command. But his King reminds him that he too lost the same men - and many others to boot. The Warrior said "I just thought I was alone" - the King said "you were alone and always will be".
And then the King adds: "You have no choice but to command. You are stuck with your own record. Go forth and conquer. Go to the edge of the Dark Forest and seek out the Wild Man. He will help you."
As you will frank. Your Warrior is tired. What is your King saying? Your Magician? Your Lover?
Seek out the Wild Man. Ask for a strong war horse. The Wild man will say:
"You will receive that, and more than you have asked for as well."
I will end with my favorite thought: Strength and Honor.
But I know we discussed that before so let me add this for you my friend:
Frank, I am so sorry that you are suffering. I have dealt with anxiety/panic previously but not to the extent that you are describing. I have used/abused alcohol. I have engaged in talk therapy and I have used prescriptive remedies. Nothing really interrupted the pattern except "mindfulness" as described in the Buddhist tradition.
It is not religion. It is a sort of scientific practice that interrupts the adrenalin flow and gradually changes your mind set. It is the wisdom of the ages, applied to our modern struggles. "The Art of Happiness" written by a therapist with the Dalai Lama helped me repair my instant over-reactions to stress and fear about what might happen. It helped with the grief of loss, too. Jon Kat-Zinn has written usefully on this topic. If you feel as terrible as it seems, please consider this avenue.
In any event, please consider that you are well loved and appreciated in this context and I am certain otherwise as well. You have been generous beyond belief to desperate people who come to this forum for reassurance and distractions. I have always appreciated your candor about drinking and your perspective on AA. Really, relax and be kind to yourself.
Get a bad dog and take long walks. That is helpful meditation as well. Physical exhaustion interferes with anxious habits. I know you will be okay. I really do think so.
So, the lesson here is that yes, I did all the right things to help my wife through her crisis, her affair, and her growth. But I sacrificed myself when I did all this. In the end there was nothing left for me, and I guess even though she went through a lot of growth, the bottom line is she isn't the woman who can handle my intensity. She NEEDS a 'rock'. That's who she is.
So, if we're to be together then I have to handle it myself, still alone. Like Jeff223 said "You will be [alone]".
I was thinking about how my wife wants to 'move forward' with her life instead of staying 'stuck' while I am miserable. What makes AmyC, for example, different in that she seems willing to do 'whatever it takes' to help her husband heal his wounds?
Sometimes I think it's the current 'me' attitude where it's all about getting what 'you' need out of life and if you're in a relationship where the other person isn't growing at all then it's bad for 'you'. I guess I understand that.
My wife points out that our relationship used to be one of 'rescuing' each other. Mostly I rescued her but it went both ways until I was the one in the most need, and she wasn't a person who was strong enough.
But then, all the 'man' books I read talk about how we, as men, are not supposed to need the 'emotional' support of our women. We should be getting that from other men and from within.
So, it's kind of like men aren't supposed to complain if their wife isn't able to deal with them when they are really crashing. AmyC seems to be the exception, not the rule.
It doesn't seem fair, but maybe that's the 'little boy' complaining.
Anyway, I almost just want her to go because it seems like she is weak to me. But maybe that's not it. Maybe it's that I'm too strong, even in my weakness.
My wife points out that our relationship used to be one of 'rescuing' each other. Mostly I rescued her but it went both ways until I was the one in the most need, and she wasn't a person who was strong enough.
How do you know if she is not 'strong'? Is she giving her all? If so, then what?
Quote:
But then, all the 'man' books I read talk about how we, as men, are not supposed to need the 'emotional' support of our women. We should be getting that from other men and from within.
If that were true then we would never mate.
Think hard frank. We don't *need*, we desire. And our desires equal our goals and our goals are worth fighting for, are they not??
Have you sought medical help for your anxiety problems? I'll say it again. You're not alone. Having emotional fallout from all you've been through is not unusual. Being anxious and depressed after a crisis has subsided is common. Things become safer, the crisis is past and yes now is the time to feel everything and get help to deal with it. This is exactly what happened to my H after we D'd and reconciled. Call it PTSD, whatever, but it's very real and not likely treated with self help. Lexapro helped my H and didn't cause too many sexual side effects. Zoloft is also used to treat anxiety and has worked wonders with my D. She too had a lot of emotions and issues to deal with after our separation. We're not invincible.
Just wanted to let you know that this doesn't have to be an ending for you. It's part of the healing/piecing process too. Please don't stop prematurely and sell you and your family short. If nothing else, get better before making big decisions. It sounds as if your emotinal fall out might be leading you into a WAS fog of your own. If that's the outcome, please let it be made by you at your best. Make that decision from a place of strength.
I know a lot of people on the boards seek you out for help and advice. That's because you've been SO amazing. You're right. It's time to take care of you and your plate is full. It's time for Frank to get the support and encouragement. You're a good man. A great father and husband You've been let down and hurt by the people you love most. Heal, forgive, love and find peace friend. You deserve all of that and so much more.
Please let us know how you're doing. So many here care about you. It might not be the forum for you to explore this phase of your life.. that's up to you, but if you need an ear or encouragement, it's here for you.
Frank - This definitely sounds like a medical issue. It will be a little difficult to find a physician who can sort it out, but I can probably find you someone in your area. You may have to pay outside your insurance to see someone who really knows how to deal with you properly.
As a start, there are a few things you need to ask your current physician to check:
- a full thyroid panel (not just TSH, but also FREE T4, FREE T3 and thyroid antibodies). Low OR high thyroid can cause anxiety. My niece was treated for a year for an anxiety disorder before they finally discovered her over-active thyroid. Thyroid problems also affect your ability to concentrate, can mimick ADD.
- a morning cortisol level. Low adrenal function can also cause anxiety and is a cause of hypoglycemia and afternoon "slumps". Unfortunately, a morning cortisol will only pick up the worst cases of adrenal failure. Milder dysfunction may show up on a salivary cortisol test where you measure four different times a day, but mainstream doctors usually don't do these tests. You can order it yourself, though, through Vitamin Research Products website, I believe. Also read Wilson's book Adrenal Fatigue. I really like Wilson's Adrenal Rebuilders, they're great for adrenal support in milder cases.
- testosterone level. I personally NEVER experienced anxiety in my whole life until I was perimenopausal. Then, every month when my hormones would drop, I would wake up at night with crushing anxiety. I knew it was hormones because it was very regular, one night every 28 days! Dropping testosterone levels in men can trigger similar symptoms.
- blood sugar and maybe a 3-hour glucose tolerance test. There are some medical conditions that cause blood sugar to drop too low after eating (dumping syndrome, insulinoma); and diabetes can cause difficulty concentrating when blood sugars are too high.
Be aware, too, that Concerta can cause depression. Check B12 and folate levels.
This doesn't sound like an "emotional" issue to me. This sounds hormonal or nutritional.
You've been let down and hurt by the people you love most. Heal, forgive, love and find peace friend. You deserve all of that and so much more.