Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I do this....

Hmmm.... good idea, wonder how I could discuss with MC before as she is different than my IC.

Give her a call. My mc was usually good about returning calls the same day. I think it's perfectly acceptable to tell her "I've been thinking about this, but don't think w will hear it from me. What do you think? Is this something you can approach her with in our next appt?"

She will or she won't. But, your wife will likely be more receptive to her.
Did your wife buy the books mc recommended? Did you?

I bought book and she has seemed somewhat receptive in reading, but I do not know for sure.

I still think that I am getting some serious mixed signal's but not for sure. Again there has not been any R talk by either of us in some time but there have been a lot of "we/us" comments made by her. Especially in regards to future living arrangements, where we are going to live, what we will be doing for various holiday's etc.

So here is the latest, very curious as to what the "team" thinks. Please keep in mind that I think that I have really moved from a DB approach to some hybrid, let's call it a Dom'ing. Understand that I get it now that my issue in this marriage has been that I have not participated at all in any aspect of our lives for 8 years. In addition, I have been a liar cheater and thief.

I know I have been a pretty good guy right?!

Well, now I am really seeing that I am becomming a better guy and I truely get pleasure selfish lovely pleasure out of doing things for my family.

So the update is this.... last night W wanted to go with her friend to Chippendale's. So I tell her that I would have no problem spending the evening with kiddo's. I was planning an undercover cookie operation for the holiday's. My wife has hinted many times over the years and these last few weeks that I don't know what she likes and I make no effort to try her things. One that was really trooubling was that I have all of these family holiday memories and the only that she really has is having these special cookies that her grandmother made. So, I was able to find the receipe.

Well, operation cookie was hatched. Boys and I worked very hard to make those plus some other varieties last night in addition to homework and some other little tasks. Dom will appreciate this, I converted W's computer keyboard, mouse, and other periphs to a wireless set up.

Anyhow, I made the cookies, cleaned the kitchen and got us all ready for bed. I went to our bed and fell asleep. Well at about 1:30 am I was waken by cookie breath and some lovely woman rubbing my face. "I think that I am the only girl in Florida who spent the night at Chippendale's and got my favorite Christmas cookies when I came home. How did I get so lucky?" Hmmmm.... I didn't buy into it and went back to sleep.

Well this am she wakes with a headache and I had some water and advil on the ready. I had already made S7's lunch and pancakes for both boths. Got S4 ready for Pre-K and had a few moments to lay next to my wife for a little bit before leaving for work. Well that led to some hanky panky.... and for once, she did not make a comment afterwords that it may have been a mistake or that it was the last time, for sure this time. She just told me how nice it was and how it made her feel better.

So I leave for work.... and I just got an invite to join the family at Super Science Gross Out Night at S7's school. In the course of the conversation, she told me how she had called my mom this morning and told her how sweet it was that I made the effort to make her cookies for her. She even said, gasp, that they were not the right shape but it was so sweet that I was willing to do that for her.

Mom called me and told me that she is also noticing a difference in her in that normally when they talk it is all about what an a** I am and how nothing is every right. Ma said that this time, she nary said a word about me that was not positive.

I know she must be thinking that this is all short term. But darn it, I love the way that I feel right now. I love that I am getting very little back from her. No kisses, no I Love yous, little hand holding etc. But I feel so awesome finally doing things that make her smile and it sure does make me so warm.

Boy if I would have known so many years ago that being a nice guy felt so good, I never would have been a jacka**. So team, do I keep up the effort and face the fact that from time to time she will puch me away or recoil, do I keep up the 180's... is this was DB'ing is all about. (Dom R'ing) I am so glad that I listened to Dom early on in this when he told me not to go LRT but to focus on the 180's, I never realized how it would keep me going to do nice things for others...

Have a great day!

Houndfan, don't get too excited about the flashes of positives that you see from her, sounds to me like she is just getting started with all of this. You have a long road to travel on this one before its done.

Wow... apparently, from the only judge that matters in your efforts (your wife ) looks like you are finally on the right track. way to go!

like braveheart says... dont get too carried away/overly optimistic by this... you WILL have down days with her. So dont let yourself feel demolished when they happen.
But, I say congrats, and enjoy a moment in the sun, so to speak

Hound - Nice work, you are clearly making progress, but, be very careful.

I was in your spot not long ago with the trip to Lake Placid. W and I spent serious one-on-one time together without an incident. Spent most of last weekend at the house taking my daught ice skating, putting up the tree, etc.

Right now... my w and I are barely speaking. She said that she was going full blast with divorce and that she was moving forward with her lawyer. I did find this funny... I called my lawyer and he completely forgot who I was. Said he vaguely recalls speaking to her lawyer at the end of October, but has heard nothing since.
Very strange.... if she was moving full blast I would have thought the papers would have been served by now. It has been 6 weeks.

So... be very careful

ugh...

I wish that I would have read those posts before this morning. we had a major step back, maybe not as far as my friend fish but she is now back on the S/D track with some force.

I guess I stepped in it. I am not sure where this all came from either, but it is there.

Last night she was getting ready to lay on the couch with me, when she turned to me and said with tears in her eyes that all of this means nothing and that she is still planning to D. She said that she knows that she will break my heart but she has to do it. A minute later she asked what kind of message it would send to me if she allowed our R and that I would just walk all over her again.

I did not say much other than I love her and understand that D is a very possible outcome of our sitch, but that I am going to continue to fulfill my dreams.

Later I had fallen asleep and she asked me to come to bed... with her. She said that in the future if I stay that late that I shoudl stay rather than go where I am staying because it is not fair to the other couple that I come in so late.

When we woke this morning we were both sick and laid in bed for a while. When I got up to leave she gave me such a wonderful hug.

Then there have been a few calls where she has mentioned S/D and finally one call that turned ugly. Knowing that I have had for 8 years a tendency to lie she asked me when I have lied recently. I told her of one that I told her that we have already discussed and while it is not excusable, she let me have that one due to the circumstances. But then she asked me about some concert tix that I got and I admitted that I had bought them rather than getting them for free. Shitty thing is I also had free tix too, but I got so nervous about my friend coming through with the free tix that I bought an extra set to make sure that I could go with her to the show.

So yes, I lied about tix, but only after I let my anxiety get the best of me. So I went and bought a set too and then my friend came through with a set as well.

CAUGHT!

Huge step back for us. I am still hopeful, because I feel like I can be honest with her anytime. It did not frighten me to tell her that I lied abotu the tix, I even started to tell her the story and told her that it didn't matter.

So Fish, we too have taken a step back and it may take some time to get it back. Problem is we have a MC appointment on Tuesday and I hope that we can get by this feeling by that point.

We have a garage sale planned for tomorrow and hopefully some family activities to keep the weekend going.

Hound,
Try to call your mc before your appt and mention retro...

Houndfan, I swear I am not trying to be negative with you, but you are going to have to recognize some things that are going on with her. First, you cannot win, you are going to have to understand this. I know you think I am crazy for saying that, but everything you do is going to be wrong. If you do some things "right" she might or might not acknowledge them, but eventually you are going to make mistakes, as you have said in your postings and she is going to jump all over them. She is LOOKING for things that you do wrong, she is doing this to justify her actions. Read the resources at the top of the page and you will gain a clearer insight into what is happening. If you are going to hang in there and try to save your marriage, you are going to have to deal with this and expect her to be highly critical of everything you do, no matter how small it is, she is going to pick, pick, pick at everything. Its just getting started my friend. Been where you are, done all that, don't want to experience it again.

Thanks for the continued feedback.

So this weekend, I think that we may have made some forward progress. First of all, at no point was I asked ot leave for any reason, and there were no fights, bickering etc. Secondly, we really did Sunday right. Knowing that this time of the year is a big stressor for her, we kept the Christmas tree buying and decorating very simple. But, I tried to encourage her to let us buy the biggest nicest tree we could find.

For some reason, just that alone made her feel a little different, and she finally told me as much. The tree is so big and full it makes our living room look small!

Anyway, after we had it in, up, and fully decorated she turned to me gave me a great hug and kissed me! Yep, after two months I got a small peck on the lips! She told me she loved me and thanked me for being nice to her for the weekend. If you rewind to last Sunday we had a similar experience, but at the end I was asked to leave. This time, when it was all over I was not, in fact she asked me up to sleep with her again.

We slid back a little when we were laying in bed when she told me she was not sure she had the same kind of love for me that I had for her. She told me that she does not have the infatuation butterfly kind of love for me and she is not sure that we will make it with what she has. I just let those comments hang there and appreciated that I am still hanging in there in this journey.

We feel asleep... this morning she got up early to do some work. I got up later to help get S7 ready for school. In the process she texted OM in front of me to ask his some questions about work. As she was doing so she was putting him down telling me what a loser he was etc. In fact, I actually think she was being genuine. Anyway, got ready to leave with S4 to take him to school and she and I had a great hug and another little kiss.

Couple of little phone calls later until the writting of this post. Anyway, I am not getting my hopes too high because I am sure that like Braveheart said at any moment I could slip or she could slam me for something to justify. But, I really think that we may be working toward something here. I would not say that we are piecing yet, but it's better than being told that I am a complete POS! We go back to MC tomorrow so I am curious to see what that will bring.