"you are my best friend...can't I just live in a house next door and we can go on with our lives. I dont want you totally gone, just don't want to be married to you anymore"
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
H did come back after his C appt. He seemed tired. He asked how dinner was and then inquired about the dinner I cooked on Sunday (when he left because he wasn't feeling good). I told him I still had some left and he ate it.
H hung with d12 and I and watched tv. At one point d12 said that she wanted to get me a treat at the store and H quickly got up and took her. Must be feeling some guilt after counseling.
Anyway, H fell asleep on the couch watching tv and got up when d12 went to change the channel. He left shortly after stating he was tired even though d12 begged him to stay.
Around 10 my phone rang. It was H thanking me for dinner and for going shopping with me. We talked for a bit and said goodnight. I don't know where he his head or his heart is at. I don't know if he is doing this to be kind or to manipulate me or to inch his way back. I guess only God knows.
So today H called. He was going to be down near my office and asked if he could bring me a cup of soup from the restaurant he works at. He just came by with it. Dropped it and I thanked him, but he rushed to be on his way.
Whatever. S15 has his first varsity meet today. I can't wait to see him swim. Looking forward to being out and getting my mind off of H.
Snodderly--I hope all is well with your dad. Your help and support mean so much to me. You wisdom and compassion is a gift. BND-Thanks for giving me hope.
Mopsey, You've heard the old saying--"you have to roll w/the punches"? Well, that's what you have to do w/your h right now. He's like the little ball in the pinball machine, bouncing all over the place. I suspect that the counselor gave him some things to think about and he's got to digest those thoughts for now.
I don't think he's trying to manipulate you at all. If anything, he wants to be w/you and yet keep you and the family at arm's length while he's figuring himself out. He does realize he's a mess and he has voiced that he doesn't know exactly what is wrong w/him. This is the first step towards looking w/in.
How did the swim go this evening? Did you son do well? I'm sure that you are very proud of your children and you know what? They are very proud of you too! Keep thinking positive. Mopsey, only God knows what he wants to do w/your h for right now. Please try to leave the worry in his hands for a while.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Mopsey, The soup really touched me. I know he has done a lot of terrible things to hurt you, and you are wary of him, but I think if my H brought me some soup like that I would cry through eating it, feeling so emotional. I definitely believe he still loves you; he just doesn't love himself.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Snodderly...he is like a bouncing ball in a pinball machine. Great analogy.
Hope and Angelica: I would like to think that the soup was someting other than a guilt gift, but I have to keep expectations at zero. I just don't know where he is in his head or his heart as far as MOW and I are concerned.
H called this morning.....touching base about a possible storm tomorrow and over the weekend. I think it may have just been a reason to call. He did say he would be up to help s15 shovel us out and I asked him to watch the weather as I didn't want him to drive in anything bad. He proceded to say he is not going to argue with me but he will be up to help s15.
H mentioned he had a lot to do today and had a dr's appt. Kept mentioning it. I didn't ask about it as I didn't want to pry. We talked about s15 doing a few things before the snow comes and he said that if he (H) could do them today he will but he had a lot to do.
He then talked about the dr's appt. again. H said that he was going to start taking something for his depression. This is something H would never ever consider. He said he was going to counseling and going to start taking something. I told him that I was there for him 100% if he needed anything and that I was proud of him for taking these steps. He said he wasn't looking for my approval he just needs to do this.
We then started talking about d12's chorus concert tonight. Another event he is going to miss. I told him that she needed a certain shirt and he volunteered to go get it. He said he would be at the dr's and had to go to the mall anyway. I joked around asking what he was shopping for (although in the back of my skepitcal mind i thought MOW) and he said he had to get something for me. LIE or not?
So here are my thoughts...I know I am reading too much in to things, but I am wondering if MOW has pushed him into taking meds for his depression. H wouldn't listen to anyone about them before and now......what has brought this on?
I guess I will sit back and be still. It is totally out of my control. Curiosity is killing this cat. Just don't know what is going on with MOW and H and what's next.
Snodderly: s15 did great in his meet. Three 3rds and a 4th. I tm H all about it as he wanted to know how he did. Thanks for asking. Off to d12's chorus concert tonight.
1.When he offered to come help shovel out, what you should do next time is just say thank you. He's offering to do something; let him do it; don't remind him about the bad roads, etc. Just be receptive.
2.He kept mentioning the dr. appt. because he wanted you to ask him about it. Then he offered up about the meds. He wants you to know he is taking them or plans to, because I believe this man really loves you very much and knows he is messed up.
3.I don't think he would say he was getting you something at the mall if he really wasn't. Do you even know for sure MOW is still around? It seems to me like he spends a lot of time making contact with you, and if MOW were still in the picture I would think she would be the focus of his time. That is not what it seems like though.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Mopsey, Hope made some excellents points. When your h offers to do something for you, let him. Don't mention anything about the weather and him being on the road. Remember, you are not his mother. He needs to make the decision to drive or not.
I agree w/Hope, he wants you to ask about his appointments and he wants you to know that he's willing to try meds. He's reaching out a bit and is hoping that you'll have a conversation w/him about it. Next time he raises the issue, talk to him about it. When they open the door for conversation, you have to step through and follow his lead.
As for the mow, leave her in the snow. You are still giving her far too much power over your thoughts.
Drive safely tomorrow!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Things are quiet (for now) on the H front. H said that he started his meds for depression. He called Thursday night after the storm was over (he wasn't able to make it up do to the roads) to see how s15 made out with the snowblower and I told him all was taken care of.
He said he had gotten out of work early and was teasing me to come down to see him. It was midnight and I had work in the morning and the roads were bad....so I politely said I couldn't. I don't know if he was drinking or if it was the medication but he fell asleep while talking to me on the phone.
Friday he called me at work to say he wasn't feeling well again. He had some errands to run and then was going to wait for d12 to get home from school. We made small talk and once after I said I was hungry and was too cold to go out for lunch...he apologized. I asked what he was sorry for (because it was an awkward time for him to say I am sorry) and he just said "i just am."
That was the last I heard from him until noon yesterday when he had called again to say the meds were bothering him and he was going to be laying down until work. I asked if he needed anything and he said no. He was going to see how he felt over the weekend and check with the dr. He did tm from work last night that he was feeling better.....so we shall see.
We had some ice overnight. D12 is supposed to have a swim meet today. Not sure if that will be happening or not. Not sure also if H will be coming by. I guess it depends on how he feels. Not sure what he is taking but it hit him hard.
Snodderly, as far as the MOW...you are right she has far too much power over my thoughts. Part of me is so paranoid. I don't know what H wants. For so long he has professed his love for her. She pushed him into filing, tattoo, earring. She lied to get him. Now does she still want him? Did she push him to meds when noone else could?
H doesn't talk about the status of their R. He is very secretive. She has not filed for d and I don't know if she will. I will try not to think about her....so much.
Anyway, still not sure what we are doing for Christmas. We always spend it with h's family. H's parents went to florida. Probably to get away from the stress of our situation. SIL1 has Christmas Eve party and SIL2 has christmas day. H has not mentioned a word to me about either. The kids are so looking forward to it. I pray he says something soon. I am waiting for him to ask because it is his family.
So that's it in a nutshell. I am wondering what you all think about depression meds and the mlcer. Will they help? H also is in counseling. Goes again tomorrow. Not sure what is going on there either.
On a brighter note, the house looks great for Christmas and I have about 90% of my shopping done. BIL in Calif. sent the kids money to do their own shopping and d12 and I went last night to buy for cousins. We had a blast. Not sure when s15 will go as he will be tied up with swimming through saturday and next sunday and monday will be a zoo at the malls. Oh well.
Thanks for letting me journal. Feels better to get it out here than to keep it in my head. I just wish I knew where H was at in the crisis and if there was any hope. MY FEET HURT FROM STANDING SO LONG!!
