Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? The answer was staring me in the face all the time

Yes, that too. VERY SAD STUFF!!! I wish I noticed this before.

I'm not sure. All I can do is do stuff for me. I think the answer is that my W never wanted anything to be fixed, so she handled things to just promote more distance until she told me the final verdict. Perhaps her actions were also designed to eliminate any doubt on her part. As I've said many times before, the frustration was that I could do nothing by the time I realised how serious things were from her point of view. It feels so sad and wrong. There was a time not so long ago where I am convinced she was happy in the R.

As to the songs, I thought it was a bit spooky and slightly amusing. Seems others have noticed the same thing.

Max

Looking back, I noticed she talked a lot about how fun the single life looked. It became an ongoing discussion, because I said it would suck to be late 20's and have to do the whole finding someone and dating thing again. It's not like college. Well, now she seems to having a ball with her singleness, and I'm miserable...

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Lyrics to a song can be taken several different ways. I don't this would be a good thing to do, more of what we can't control or know.

Steve

My W fantasied about living alone before the bomb - I guess that's the same as the single life in many ways. Fortunately for her she's moved somewhere where there's lots going on and she has quite a few friends nearby who are happy to support / include her in their activities.

My problem is that while a lot of her friends do not have children or are single, most of my friends do not live around here or have just had children and are finding it hard enough to get some sleep let alone go out. So her social network is available and willing to support her while mine isn't in the same position. I've also read that sometimes other couples view a recently separated person as a potential threat or someone who doesn't fit in to their scene any more. So it's back to square one and trying to grow my social network.

Well Max I was impressed with the trip you made to Turkey. I am SURE that you will be able to grow your social network without much problem. You are obviously intelligent, caring and adventurous.
For me, I have been wanting to stay home more and "be quiet" because I feel like I just want to stay still, lick my wounds and heal some. I know that as I get stronger, I will reach out to more people. I am lucky, I have several (past) clients who have really taken a shining to me and invite me to do things with them.

I don't know enough about where you live to make any intelligent suggestions--I do know that here in my area, they have something for "Professional Singles" called Events and Adventures that puts on stuff for people to go do. Everything from concerts, to cruises, hiking, biking, comedy clubs, movies, dancing, cooking--well, you get the idea. Is there anything like that where you live?

Hey Trixi,

Thanks for the reply. I can completely understand the feeling of needing to remain in a good, quiet place for a while. Unlike my sitch you've had a really tough rollercoster ride, which must be extremely draining. I've felt bad enough through this process, and I've seen no nuggets of hope (unforunately). Even then it's really, really hard to detach.

Sounds great that you have a load of people you've met who have taken a real shine to you and have kept you in the loop. You are obviously a fun woman to be around but right now finding the right balance for you is most important. Take care of yourself. T

I have started to reach out more socially, which is something I find hard to do. Although we haven't the variety of fun activities here that you have listed. Most of the time I end up having a great time when I do decide to do things and be more outgoing, so I don't know why it takes so much for me to do these things. Still it's these periods of growth and introspection which are really very illuminating. I have learnt a huge amount about myself in the past 6 months and have identified some of the issues I need to work on. I guess most of us do the same - it's a shame our OHs sometime don't appreciate who we are and how hard we battle to make improvements.

I had a very rare phone conversation with my W this evening. It's times like these that baffle me as to why things can't work. We get on well, we are not at each others throats, we show interest in each others lives ... and oh ... we calmly discuss divorce as if we were planning a holiday. It seems utterly mad!

I have spent a fair amount of time thinking about those issues where I feel my actions contributed to the decay of our R in the last year. I could identify more things than I initially realised and wish I had been more caring and attentive. Oh to be able to go back and warn myself. What does one do with this information? Would apologising do any good? Is writing a letter really stupid?

Bye for now,

Max

I think in many ways the only way I can rebuild my R with my W is to make her fall in love with me again - to start at the beginning. I believe she considers what we have to be over with such certainty that the only way of breaking that is to create new love.

If this can be done, at least I now know that things can be much, much better for us both - and if it can't, then I can bring the skills and knowledge to bear elsewhere one day.

Ramble over ...

Today saw a further step towards separate lives with the first real steps to financial separation occuring. How can we get on so well and simply watch this happen? It truely is a strange world in which we live sometimes ...

Take care all.

Max

Ok, feeling a bit low and the need to let off steam, with a bit of journalling thrown in for good measure.

Just received an email from my W. She has spoken to an advisor about what steps we need to take to move forwards towards divorce. It looks like that because nothing contentious has happened between us, the earliest we can file for divorce is 2 years after separation (we are in the UK). In the email she lists all the various things we now need to do, like listing all our possessions and coming to an agreement about who gets what. Looking at pensions, life cover, etc. She has started to list some of the things she would leave, mainly items that are too big to move.

I find reading this stuff very depressing. There is never a hint of emotion or regret in what she says or does. No compassion. It's always very matter of fact. I guess in some ways that's good - but I can't believe everything is so cold and devoid of emotions. Surely she feels something?

Unlike many others here I've never had the slightest hint from her that she has felt we can turn this around (since the bomb). There has been some emotion - mainly fear for her future and some tears, but she has never backtracked. I feel like I could transform into a different person and it would still not have any affect on her. No chances, no opportunities. No real information or insight from her either. Just "it doesn't feel right any more". Her friends probably know far more than I do as to why this has happened.

I've made a few mistakes along the way, too much R talk at first, too many statements about how much she means to me. A disaster making her a photo album. No begging or pleading though - I have just been compliant (far too compliant). That's something I am trying to learn to change. To be assertive.

It's the lack of control or inability to influence the path of the divorce jugganaught that is so depressing. I have read, changed and learnt so much - but have never been given a chance to apply it to our R. I am not the same person.

The only overlap we have now relates to practical matters. We never see each other (since she left contact has been very controlled by her and infrequent). What can I do but move on? That's been her game plan from the start I think - despite claims to the contrary - and it's been devastatingly effective. I can find nothing to counter it. Surely her armour isn't completely impenetrable?

Anyone else had the same experience or felt like they've had no chance to influence their spouse since the bomb (8 months now)? Anyone else managed to get through to their spouse who has been like this? How on earth did you do it?

It's as if my wife has no emotions. She doesn't feel or empathise. I think to myself what has to happen to get to that state of mind? What did I do?

If your spouse has been like mine then you have my sympathy. It's a very lonely road.

Max

Hey MaxP

Im in the same boat as you with regards to my WAH. He's cold and unfeeling. Today he told me,in fact, that he wouldnt feel anything if i got hit by a car and died. Hows that for cold? He wants the divorce and i dont. Here where i live, i have to actually agree to file and he wants it IMMEDIATLY. Ive only had a month to even process that he doesnt "love me any more" A month ago he was my lifetime partner

I dont know how anyone else gets through hearing those things and continuing to DB. They say to believe none of what you hear. In my heart I know its anger speaking. But I dont think I can continue taking it. I know without a doubt that the things that I did to hurt my husband, I could change (and will regardless of what happens). But he did some serious stuff too and is taking no responsibility for it, and wants to be with other women rather than repair us. He doesnt care to stick around and have me fix it, and never even mentioned any of these things bugging him while we were together. What else can I do?

It IS a very lonely road.

I hope someone has some words of wisdom and positive things to say; im too new at this and too much in my own grief over today's events to be perky!

nerlami

M-5, T-6
no kids