Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis The stop button on this roller coaster

Sophiel - Your does appear to be having a life transition crisis. The fact that the affair is long distance sugests that it is a fantasy. The fast that you talk about the 'fog' is suggestive of a crisis.

Many of them cannot wait to start divorce proceedings - they feel it will bring them clarity. They are confused. In your h's case there is already a lot of confusion around.

Do you want your marriage - this one, as opposed to being married? If you do, then it is worth fighting for. There are wiser [and more successful] heads than mine here. Visit BND's thread, for example, and ask her to check your sitch out. I know she will. She successfully reconciled, but it took a long tme. Her h left and went to live several thousand miles away!

A

Hi Angelica

Thanks - your post brought tears to my eyes. I do, I desperately want my M to work. I love my H more than I could possibly express. I've always tried to make it seem like I didnt care and that I was tough.

I agree that the affair is based on a fantasy - he has never really tried to visit her more.

Today when I asked whether he was divorcing so he could get married to her - he said, 'I dont want somebody who would leave another person'. ow apparently got married last year and is now telling H that she is ready to leave her H.

I will check out BND's thread right away. Thanks again for the faint glimmer of hope.

I am a horrible, horrible person!!!!!

I just turned my H's birthday into a horrible day. I organized a little tea party for him with just us, i.e H, D, me and MIL. D spilt some cake on the carpet and as I tried to clean it up, H and MIL began to tell me what to do and I got angry and said, 'stop trying to give me advice, i can do it'. H offered to vaccuum it (a first for him) and I said it was his birthday and that I would do it.

He then said that we should move the table, an old argument that we have. He has previously said that he wants it flush against the fireplace and I think that that is really odd and have refused. So I assumed he was suggesting the same thing today as well and got angry and said, why cant I have at least the dining table the way i want it without it turning into a big issue. He argued back and i screamed. tbh i dont even remember what i said.

anyway things then calmed down and we ended up having tea all together. but the day is spoilt.

i have been fairly upset the whole day as the level of his detachment from me is so deep that it hurts. even when i wished him happy birthday, his kiss on my cheek was so perfunctionary that even a casual acquaintance would have had a better kiss.
and it is that that hurts. knowing that i dont matter at all to him.

i know, i know, i am focused entirely on him. i need to detach, gal etc etc. and i am trying. i suppose i am also venting here as well as trying to explain.

okay go on, let me know how wrong i was today. also tell me, that everyone has absolute control over their actions and if they dont then they are no better than an animal and therefore, since i cant control my reactions, that makes me a pretty terrible person right?
also tell me that its not enough just to want to be a better person, i have to actively be a better person and that its no wonder h wants to leave. lastly tell me to grow up because i really should know better.

aaa, no. Stop with the self blame. Just a way of ducking..really. I learned that one the hard way.

So a few tidbits. Cake falls on rug...so what its a rug!! Who cares. He wants to vacuum, let him..its a rug Who cares. He wants to move the table, let him try. Maybe it will be awful and he'll say, hey, you were right this doesn't work. Maybe you will like it. Its a table, who cares? Relax, have some fun. We are not your furniture.

Sophiel - thanks for visiting my thread - You are very stressed, which is probably why you got so angry - sort of dispaced everything on to other things.

But - try not to sweat the small stuff. One of teh things I have learned from MLC is not to worry about things that don't matter. But don't beat yourself up. Having an affair isn't acutally very nice behvaiour, and you know, and they know that saying you aren't in love with your spouse anymore doesn't really make it OK.

That is their mantra - it is OK because I don't love my spouse/

In most religions that is not an opt out clause. God didn't say - Don't commit adultery, unless of course you find you no longer love your spouse, in which case guys, well who am I to judge . . . .

So don't beat yourself up over this.

Incidentally BND's h was pretty vitriolic around April 06 - if I remember correctly. She re-posted some of the emails he had sent her after he decided to come home [around September 06 I think] and really they were unbelievable!!

A

LOL, I can't even go there!

Sophie,

I am terribly sorry you find yourself here, but you are amongst good company.

There are many here who have already walked in your shoes and can give you loads of advice.

First things first...

What is it you ultimately want to do.

Reconcile or Divorce?

I ask this only because you made a comment in a post about leaving your Husband and I just wanted to know.

Whatever it is you decide to do, you will still have plenty of support here.

My Husband had a horrible MLC and I think all in all it lasted for about 5 years. He still has MLC "moments" but that is part of the recovery process.

He has been home for 9 months now and we are rebuilding our lives again. It hasn't been an easy task.

You see, while they are off in MLC-land, the LBS does alot of growing and searchng and changing. The MLC'er doesn't change. They don't do anything to better themselves.

When they finally come out of MLC they are the same person as they were before they went onto MLC but we are not.

I spent most of the time he was away working on my own issues, and trying to become a better person. I don't handle life the same way as I did before.

My Husband is making changes now and is trying to catch up. It take a huge amount of patience, but I think it is worth it.

I am telling you this because I want you to know that there are so many facets to MLC, so many stages and so many ups and downs.

Describing this as a rollercoaster ride is exactly what it is, but it gets better and you will survive.

Please keep posting here and venting here.

Hope you had a good weekend,

BND