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just spoke to h, he just called to tell me his schedule for the weekend. He is going to work tonight, and he then says he is going to the wedding sat. I say are you taking her? his answer is I don't need or want to tell you what I am doing with her, its not the point. I grew up with Robin, and and I should go to the wedding. I say well i dont appreciate that you are taking her to the wedding, I did not get a vote or say about it, He says well with everything that is going on, it was just the best answer. I say well how hard could it be, to go to dinner that's the way I looked at it. H says it would be hard. Fu*&ing bastard. Then he says I may have to go back to work on sunday. After a moment of silence i say, well I would not have done this to you. But you feel you need to do what you need to do, but I am giving you your space. It was just really a dinner to me I know robin and everyone too and your not being fair.

he then starts to talk about schedule, and staff not working. we say goodby and I basically did not say goodbye just hung up.

I was then just forced to call him back, and the first thing I said was i don't want to fight but with you i want to keep communication with you open, but this hurt me what you are doing. anyway then asked if his boss was on his way to meeting with my boss.

This has pushed me to the end of my rope, the next conversation that he will tell me I bet Sun the 16th is that he is going to fla on the 18th.

THIS SUCKS,
bear

I need to know how do you find the strength and keep going? I feel i cannot go any deeper in my sole and find the heart to keep up with this. I don't want to give up, i want my marriage I want my H and i to start over with a clean slate. But how do i find the strength. I feel I have no more to give. I taped myself out, my heart is drained, and my sole is empty.

I feel with this wedding thing, I'm standing here with sh*& all over my face. because I;m letting him rub my face in it.

My H is a liar, a cheater, a snake in the grass, but i still love him. Do I want to go home right now and take a knife to all his suits, you bet, do I want to go home and take all his white dress shirts and take sharpie markers to them you bet. Will I no, what will it get me? anger on his part.

I wonder if he will even get a card, and another thing put my money in the envelope for a wedding that I am not going to , Its my money too
DAM it

Maybe I did get his attention,I did not break down when h told me, I did not yell, cry. Just said what i had to in the tone of I'm not happy, which is true.

Hey bear...I'm with you. You know I feel the same way about loving my H and letting go.

I'm so sorry about the wedding thing. If it helps, just think about how uncomfortable she is going to be. I got confirmation from a friend today that even if H brings her around, no one will accept her. You should think the same way...she'll always be "OW"...nice label!! You're not the one with s#%t on your face...he is! And it's smeared allover her too! You stand tall!!

My H went to a wedding w/out me 2 wks after bomb drop...apparently everyone else was so uncomfortable with him there. They thought what a F'ing hypocrite coming to a wedding of all places after what he's done. They'll think that 10 fold about your H especially w/ OW there!!

This was posted by Nephartiti on another post and it REALLY helped me today...

It's my new mantra!!


I feel the same way...but somehow I feel that because I've really let go...the real DB'ing can begin. Because I now can focus on myself...for myself. I may feel a little down tomorrow...but hopefully the next day will get better still.
Do something this weekend to take your mind off it. Stay busy.
I'll be thinking about you.
(((hugs)))
J~

Bear...one more thing...
I keep a word document where I copy and paste any info from threads that I find helpful or significant. It is really helpful to go back and read when I'm feeling down...and is usefel for moments like these when trying to help someone else...here's another quote that really helped me and I thought would be relevent for you too.

I apologize to the author as I cannot remember who to give credit to!



Can't say I've fully dropped the rope...but I'm loosening my grip.
J~

Lost, is the way i feel, low and lost. I so need to detach and let go. The pain is just too hard to handle.

As far as the tickets, I gave them to my boss who is dating a new woman. I asked if he wanted to go and he said i wish I could but i have a date, i'm going to the city to the museum of natural history. I took the tickets out of my pocket book and told him since he is going to the city, change your plans and go to the 2pm showing of phantom. At least they will have a nice date.

My tank is empty, my heart hurts, and my sole is broken. But I don't know how, or why but I still love him, and still want a marriage with him.

I did not go to the gym tonight, I went the hospital christmas party, and the first song is a song i love and would dance with H with. Sat at the table and cried. Don't regret not going to the gym thou. Will not tell h I went to party. Not telling him I am going to a dept party next week. Just going.

Jenny- I agree 10000% I hope they both are embarressed, I hope she does feel so uncomfortable it makes her crazy. I hope his friends give it to him, I hope the bride says something to him. MIL insists he will not take her, i believe otherwise.

MIL thinks I should say something to h, force him to sit and talk. I don't agree with this with this, I'm not up for it. I'm too broken and emotional to talk. I'm better with letter, should I leave a letter for him to read?

I have to get out of this house in am, and leave I don't want to be here when he is getting dressed for wedding, I am going to try to decorate front window, my way. Need to get a wreath for door too! Maybe I will get a blue decorated wreath, since that is the way I feel right now.

Jeanette and azhira, and sg, I need you guys, where have you guys been?!

I really feel like getting blind drunk right now, but besides a hangover what will that accomplish nothing, and give me one big hangover. I am also getting sick, losing my voice, and feel like crap.

bear

I think I need a shock collar, bear with me on this, it may work. I could shock myself everytime I think that he is with ow. Also I could use it when i feel down.

Problem is I will be dead from electrocution, or the batteries will be dead

needed to make myself laugh

bear

I don't think you should do any of this...it's the opposite of detaching. At any rate...give it the 48 8hr rule. Or write the letter for the benefit of getting it off your chest, but don't give it to him.


I've been dying to do this for 11 months now!! Being pregnant thru all the crap, bomb drop and now breastfeeding! But as you said it would accomplish nothing, in fact I think it's better that I couldn't drink thru it.
Take care of yourself and get some rest.
J~

Hi baby girl. My computer broke.

And now I'm feeling sick. Sick or allergies. Can't really tell for sure.


Sweetie....You have got to get a grip. If you want your marriage most.....you've got to play the game. But not the one you just played.

It would be best if you went to the play and found someone to go with you. But it's MOST important that you start ENJOYING YOURSELF. Whatever it takes. Wallowing in misery is pushing him away. You make great strides. Then you dump it all. That just convinces him he's right.


If you follow MIL advice, it will not likely work.





It's really cool for folks to say 'detach and let go'....but in a sense that is not possible. What IS helpful is to follow your passions. Let it make you happy and glow. Then 'detachment' or whatever they want to call it follows.

And so do the spouses. Because then you're irresistable.

SHOCK AND AWE.

But keep it up.



I want to say this....it does not mean you can't speak your mind and have to be silent.... but not this way. There will be a time when it will work....when the bitterness isn't there.

[quote=phbear316]I think I need a shock collar, bear with me on this, it may work. I could shock myself everytime I think that he is with ow. Also I could use it when i feel down.

Problem is I will be dead from electrocution, or the batteries will be dead
/quote]

oh bear,
been reading your posts and feel your pain. We all have wanted to change our spouses, but can't . Read the DR, as everyone tells me ( i am re-reading) Michele says most of the time if we change our own behavior the other person will change theirs.
Be kind to your self, let friends help you., GAL and keep posting. Now your post I'm quoting. When i read the post TG I wasn't drinking coffee or otherwise be all over my computer screen. I do a lot of dog training and hate E-collars. Then when I read your post, too much and I cracked up laughing. Thank YOU. I needed a good laugh today.
keep posting and reading. GAL & FLY=First Love Yourself....need be check ladies, out flylady.com
grid, lost

SG

I know I have to get a grip, trying to play the game the right way, but I feel like Im playing poker and the hand keep changing. and I don't know how to play poker.

I think back now I have to say looking at it, I thought I handled it well, better than I would have in the past, I would have just cried on the phone, or even yelled. I told him I was hurt, which is true, I said I would not do the this to him. I was even nice to him when he called me back like 45 minutes later to tell me something. I could have just been mean or nasty. or even told him I did not want to talk. But I we discussed something and that was it , I did ask if i would talk to him later, his answer was of course. Its now after 11 and I have not heard one word. I don't think i sounded bitter to h, it just hurts. it seems anything i do does not hurt him, and that gets to me, he hurts me, but i cannot do anything to hurt him. Maybe your are right it is bitterness

I don't see that i am wallowing in sadness, i come in with a smile and do my best to keep my head held high. I thought he would at least see that, for in the past i always wore my emotions on my sleeve to say.
SG i am so trying to get a grip, but keep losing it. I did go to party and will go next week to other. I really don't think he see anything with me, happy or sad, misery or others. I do my absolute best to keep a smile on my face, and a spring in my step, but it feels like i am getting no where.

He sees nothing but her. nothing but life without me

I tried to ask my friend to go, as i said, he would have gone with me, but he had a date. I feel sad in my heart I am not going to the play, But I feel good also that I gave the tickets to some one instead of throwing them out. I did a good thing, I told my friend merry christmas, take your date tomorrow. Now as i look at it, it feels good.

I will not follow advise of MIL, I know she is not right, can see where she is coming from, but will not follow. I don't know maybe it would shock him if i did not say anything to him about this. Like i have said my peace and let it go. What do you think?

I wish i could find the right track to get on, i seem to be all over the place, i try and try and try, but just get derailed by his doing,

I will go out tomorrow and buy a wreath for the door, which he does not want to do which is obvious, go to lowes and get gift for my dad and buy and new birdfeeder since i just bought one last week (keep in mind one h picked out and i said he squirrls are going to eat the stoppers lets get a metal one needless to say, the feeder does not hold seed due to the squirrls) Go to the mall to get some shopping done. Maybe I will change things up i have thought about going to may parents house and not coming home. But I think i am too emotionally raw right now for that, and i'm also not feeling that great either don't want to get dad sick. (immunosuppressed right now due to diabetes) maybe a movie. But i have to see how I feel. that will be my gauge for how much i do.

I have been trying to shock and awe as you say, but what more can i do for him to see. when he does not want to see anything, but himself

Oh sorry your not feeling well again, and sorry the computer quit on you.

thanks sg, you beloved puppy
bear