Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

Jab,

Keep your expectations low. Her "feelings" have not changed, but HER intellect and YOUR actions are forcing her to question HER actions and future plans.

Stay the course. It's HER life, do not attempt to control her in any way. Be a sound post. Women need to vent, need a man to be sturdy, listen to her fears and stay strong. Do not cower when she says she "loves you but she is not in love with you". Know that whatever she says her feelings are today, will change in the future. Allow her to feel and express whatever she's feeling without it affecting YOUR demeanor. Put on the shield of Christ. You will be under attack, you are being tested.

Stay focused on YOUR failings, YOUR intentions, YOUR life and accept her as she is, love her as she is, be a friend. Do not defend the actions of your past. Pur your needs aside and be her friend. Pretend you just met her yesterday. You have no ties, no claim on her, just a caring heart.

Know that when you feel the weight of the world pulling you down into the pit of darkness, that is a dark force attempting to control you. Pray the evil dog away, pray and pray and pray.

May the strength and courage of a thousand armies be with you today.

God Bless,

COG

This sounds like a good step. At least she is considering rethinking. I've been reading your sit and it sounds like a positive baby step.



i'd say for sure... and seeing as you have a 2:1 ratio of ears to mouth, listen twice as often as you speak!!

take care:)

Jab,

Ditto what Jack, COG, and Ann said.

You CAN do this!

Kept my expectations low.

W actually had little to talk about when I got home but what she did say was IMHO a huge step. W was trying to open up but she had to go to work and I could tell she was holding back alot. I didn't try to force the issue.

In summary...

W wants it to be like it used to be (happy M), thinks I have good intentions but still cannot trust that my changes will be genuine and doesn't know if it is possible for things to be like that again.

I validated her feelings, I said nobody can predict the future but let my actions speak for themselves and let's see what happens. Also said we need to take this one step at a time and it will not happen overnight.

W is very worried that too much damage is already done (her co-workers, family) because of what she has been telling them over the past several months.

I said, I understood. I said, maybe after some time they will start to see that I'm becoming a better person and treating you like you deserve. Maybe if you are happy again with me, they will see me in a different light. W's co-workers haven't even met me.

W expressed concern that she wanted to be a 'normal' couple. She was worried about going to bars with me and me not being able to drink but she wanted to. I said that was ok with me, I want to go out with her. W felt that it may be weird. I suggested trying it in a few months and see how it felt. This topic may be a hard one to work out. I know she wants to be able to 'let her hair loose' without feeling guilty that her H is an 'alcoholic'.

I asked her if she had any changes of plan. W didn't know what she wanted to do. I offered 'can I make a suggestion and you can think about it?'

I suggested that for the next 60 days, we continue with the S, I can work on myself and she will have more freedom for herself. She can choose to visit me if and when she wants, she can do whatever she wants with her free time. I suggested we go to MC a few times, when she was ready and willing, I thought it would be a huge step in the right direction. I suggested let's try this for 60 days and go from there. She nodded and said she agreed but IMHO W was mentally exhausted and distraught so I left it at that for now.

I got a good hug and kissed her on forhead. First one in weeks.

Well, that's the conversation in a nutshell.


One other thing I noticed. The phone bill with OM phone #'s that left on counter this morning has VANISHED! NOWHERE IN THE HOUSE! GONE!! IMHO another reason W is worried that I meet her co-workers.

She also stated she was cancelling her IUD appt. I'm leaving it at that for now, told her she didn't have to but she insisted that she didn't want me to think she was having an A.

I did my best to listen, validate and not push anything down her throat although inside I was dying to smother her with love.

Probably will be starting a new thread after S starts (this one is getting long now). I guess I have to wait and see if this change in W continues.

I just wanted to give my 2 cents about the OM/A situation.

I believe most of her reactions today were due to me asking her last night what she wasn't telling me....but not telling her exactly what I know. It made her extremely nervous and guilty about something.....I bet I know what that may be.

I'm wondering if I should ask at all about the whereabouts of the phone bill or give any impression that I know more than she's telling me but not confronting her about it....

Any opinions or suggestions about what I should do going forward with the knowledge that I have that I haven't told her?

Sorry, forget I even posted this last question. I already know the answer to that

Yeah.
Forget about it, count your blessings, don't get cocky and make what Ann said your new mantra.




P.S.: Nice work.

Thank you everyone for the much needed guidance.

I know I have alot to learn and a mountain of work ahead in the coming months. I know that I'm not even close to being on solid ground yet but I feel for the first time a positive change in W's thinking about our M. I'll be on DB for quite some time, I guess.

Like I said before, I probably will be starting another thread soon, this one is getting pretty big and will surely be locked soon.

Welcome to our little club.

Jab,
Hopefully you can see how controlling these statements are. You validating her feelings is great, fantastic. But then YOU take over. Start telling her what to do. "let my actions speak for themselves", "lets see what happens", "we need to take this one step at a time", and "it will not happen overnight". Try to make these I statements like "I'll let my actions speak for me", "I need to take this one step at a time". Get it? Then you are gaining control of YOUR life, not the M. Again, good validating. You should have stopped there, but then you go into the maybe's. And for the record, what her co-workers think about you doesn't mean squat. The decisions your W makes will be hers and hers alone. So "going to bars", and "letting her hair loose" I guess meaning getting drunk and wild, is THAT important. What good EVER comes out of that kind of lifestyle? The mere idea that this is a condition or a consideration as to whether or not to stay in a M is very sad my friend. Your W has some growing of her own to do. I suggest you do what YOU think is right. If going to the bars and "letting your hair down" is a healthy and positive thing then go for it. If not, then have the balls to stay home with the kids. You choose what's best for YOU, and let your W make her own choices. Oh here he is, Jab the hero, come to save the day.

You've got to work hard at letting go. Let go the controls my friend. Go along for the ride. Stay in the backseat and just relax. No more suggestions, no more ideas, just lots of validating, and keep working on YOU.

God Bless,

COG

PS Don't worry about the thread. When it locks up we'll find you, if not just come find us.