Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? not a peep

ROFL- thanks for making me laugh Dom.

In the recent past he has said that there is just "too much history". Before he had said that he wasn't holding the past against me, looks like he actually is.

Nik-thanks for the reminder. My girlfriend said that the difference between agreements that are on file at the county vs things people agree to in a contract is that one would be breaking the law (very easy to "force" him to pay) and one is breaking a contract and would have to be duked out with attorneys.

The landlord came over today, met my prairie dogs and said that they were fine to have in the house. So, I am now good to go on that front. We also agreed to the purchase price (if I opt to purchase).

I am emotionally beaten down. I feel hopeless. (not regarding all of life-just regarding my marriage.) I am starting to think I should just "give the poor boy what he wants-let him have his freedom."

OMG, this just keeps getting better. I will try to clean this up, but this is the conversation we just had:
H: Hows it going
H: I may go to [our bar] tonight
H: Your not planning to are u
Me: no
Me: what does "down in hole" mean? [His IM "personal message"line]
H: Feeling so low
H: I want to fly away
Me: alice in chains
H: But my wings have been so denied
H: Yes
Me: what does that mean to you?
H: Just that sometimes life gets you down
H: and thats OK
H: Because you can alway pick your self up again
Me: ah
H:Its alright to feel down sometimes
H: ya know
Me: sure
H: How do you feel about a online D if we can agree on everything
H: They dont cost a lot and its quick
Me: oh whoopee
H: Sorry
H: I want to just move on with this
Me: yeah, well I find this unf'ing believable that there is such a f'ing rush. Aug 21st you're back saying we should date; 10 days ago you're f'ing me; and now there is some sort of f'ing emergency to hurry it all up. I am f'ing pissed. EXCUSE MY SWEARING
H:OK
H: Whew
H: Your mad
H:Nothing is forever anyway
Me: that would be an understatement. I don't understand what the god damned rush is.
Me: what's not forever?
H: Nothing accept love
Me: what did you mean by 'nothing is forever anyway'?
H: Marriage is just an illusion
H: it doesnt change how I feel
H: but I dont want to be married anymore
H:I just want to move on
Me:fine
H:Fine what?
Me:I'm am waiting to see what you have been typing
H:Look Trixi Your important to me, I love you more than many people in my life. I dont want to lose our friendship and connection. I have felt disconnected from you for a long time in many ways I cant fully explain. I need to get away from this marriage now and do somethign else What I dont know but I really feel like I need a change. Im not sure Im doing everthing right I just need to do it
Me:*Warning* Vent Ahead.*I am so pissed right now I can barely see straight. we COULD have gotten connected (or at least f'ing tried) at retrouvaille. We have so much more than tons of married people out there. Yes, yes, I know- BOTH people have to want it- but when you talk about feeling disconnected that just pisses me off. But you know what. Fine. You just do what you need to do. That's just f'ing fine
Me: I don't care
Me: You have crushed my heart
me: Not that it matters
Me:Unf'ing believable
Me: like there is some f'ing emergency that this has to be done NOW
Me: But, okay- yeah- you're free
Me:do whatever the f you want to do
Me: OMG I am so pissed
Me: merry f'ing christmas and happy f'ing new year
Me: And i don't mean to "argue" with you, but god damn it, I don't think you f'ing "tried". Okay, I will concede that there had to have been moments of trying.
Me: Oh i give up.
Me: whatever
Me: here, here is your christmas gift: I accept that you do not want to be married and I give you your freedom.
Me: I do not want to know about who you are f'ing; I don't want it flaunted around
Me: it makes me SICK SICK SICK to think about that
Me: but, you know, it's different depending on which side of the fence you;re on- from my side it makes me want to vomit


And then he called. Said again that he just doesn't want to be married. he just wants to get this part over with. Besides marriage is just an illusion. and nothing is forever (he said that right after saying we need to hurry up with the divorce). and if we really love each other, we will end up back together- nothing will change that. But for now, he just wants to be able to move on. There are things that he wants to do and if he stays married, he won't be able to do them because he would need to "work" on the marriage and he just doesn't want to do that right now.

So, both "nothing is forever"s were after referencing D. (As opposed to referencing Marriage.)

I give up. He wins. I don't want this. I don't want any of this; but I don't think I am trying to save a marriage anymore. He's long gone. OMG this is awful. And then to dangle the "nothing is forever" carrot in front of me. WHY do that?????? I mean, I know he is right, lots of people reconcile even after the divorce, but to dangle that in front of me?

I think I will agree to this supposed online Divorce if we agree to the terms. I don't see any reason not to. What difference does it make whether we spend more money to drag it thru the courts to get the same result. I will only agree if it seems equitable--and if it doesn't seem equitable, then i can bring an attorney into the mix.

Wow... a 44-year-old should really know better.

i think that your biggest liability, is that you kept on telling him...to his face even.. that no matter what he did, you believed he would come back, and you would take him back.

Do you believe that still?

'cause if not... now's the time to tell him.

No, I don't necessarily believe that I would take him back forever. I had it happen with an exBF from long ago; he came back, asked me to marry him and I was with J and told him too late.

He would see it as saber rattling if I said anything. Besides, earlier (months ago) I said "You don't want to end up like S where you come back and I have moved on" and he said "well, if it's meant to be..."

**edited to add** when he called me this afternoon, one of the first things he said was "What? Is it that you just can't live without me and the marriage?" and I said "of course I can. ANYONE can live without their marriage partner. The point is to get thru the tough times together." Anyway, that was an interesting question on his part, I thought.

How can I possibly say that and not have it come off like 'sour grapes'?

i had forgotten about that. he's doubly blind, since he knows you have been in this situation before. But I guess it's because he believed what you've been telling him for the past year :P







Well, how about a combination strategy...
Communicate that you wont wait forever.. PLUS that you'd like to try something... PLUS, get his attention by doing and saying something new.


"Before we do the divorce thing, I want to try retrouville together.
I want to know, for my own sake, that I tried everything, before I move on with my life."


["'cause once the divorce happens, it's my turn to check out match.com" ? ]



And the beauty of it is.. it's all true, and it's all useful for you.

If he gets shaken up enough to go... then great.
If he decides to rethink the D, based on a revitalized understanding of your feelings.. great.
If he does the MLC schmuck thing, and goes for the D...
then you truely can know within yourself, that you tried everything that you could.

(maybe you can ask him to help you take some photos for your match "profile"? )

I like it- BUT, what if he comes back with "But *I* don't want to try. You already have tried everything. There is nothing more you can do."

Then perhaps go with it, and tell him "ok then go file".
At this point, you need to be prepared for that.

(maybe you should start filling out your match profile now. har har)

This is not something to "bluff".
only say it if you mean it.
and heck, by now, you might enjoy "dating", at just the "go out and have men chat you up and buy you stuff" level

Is it really the right thing, to begin dating,
10 mins after you break up with your H ?

Maybe there are other ways to have fun that are not dating?

I think Dom is teasing (a little).

My H had a profile on match.com as soon has he moved out. He started dating as soon as he moved out. He came to me 3 weeks later and said that we should "date" but that he wanted to date others "platonically". I should have told him to take a flying leap at that point. But I didn't.

My H seems to think that I will always be here for him. And I don't know whether the "Nothing is Forever" statement is intended to make sure I am hooked in enough to hang around waiting even AFTER the divorce, or if it is him trying to make himself feel better that he can count on me to be waiting, but either way, he needs to know that I am NOT going to wait around.

Is it really the right thing for ME to be dating? Well, at the risk of being chastised and being told that 'two wrongs don't make a right', was it right for my H to be dating as soon as he MOVED OUT? Now that my H is in such a rush to get a divorce, why *shouldn't* I be able to go on a date?

I am very confused how someone can say in the exact same conversation that "I want to hurry up and move on" and "nothing is forever" re divorce. If a person really thinks there could be a chance, why are they leaving?????? and why in such a hurry????? I think that is 'proof' that he is confident I will wait for him. And I was a total dufus and said a couple days ago that I knew he would be back. Ugh. dumb dumb dumb. Of course, 12 years ago when he broke up with me, I (totally calm) said "ok. that's fine. you'll be back." and he was impressed with that. And he was back within 2 weeks. Probably not a good hand to play this time point in our relationship.

I am too tired to ask for retrouvaille. I already mentioned it (again) in our IM "conversation." He would have said something about it if he were the least bit interested.

I think he wants to come over tomorrow to talk more about stuff. I am not going to pussyfoot around with him anymore. I am sick and tired of trying to be understanding and all that crap. I mean, what's he going to do?? fast track the divorce?? Oh wait, he's already doing that.

Trixi, lots of good questions.

what do YOU think? No, it is not right for your husband to begin dating. They way he has treated you is not right at all. you are not being treated fairly. I feel for you.

So what will you do about it? Are you going to begin dating to get even with your H? Probably not a good idea, at this point. You're hurt, understandably so. you don't have much good juju to offer someone new in a romantic relationship at this point. On the other hand, it does feel good when people show an interest. It's nice to be wanted. What do you need right now? Maybe you could stand to meet some new friends? In that case, match.com is not the right place, just yet. Maybe meetup.org (or something similar). Church groups.


They don't call it a rollercoaster for nothin. People do this because they are lost, they don't know what to do, they are hurt and in emotional crisis. This is not "proof" that he is confident you'll wait. This is "proof" that this person is not sure of how they feel. And being unsure makes him feel worse!

You would like him to be sure, but he isn't. That stinks. It really does. It stinks for you, and.. this is hard to hear... but it stinks for him too. Whether he admits it or not, he is in a lot of trouble, internally.

could you try empathy? "Wow, it sounds like you're really struggling with this. I know how you feel. That must be tough for you."

Re: "Nothing is forever." Seems like you have to chalk this up to "believe 0% of what you hear and only half of what you see." He's in a tough spot, and so are you. Understandably, you are looking for meaning in every phrase, every turn of the head. But it isn't like that. he says things without thinking them through. he doesn't know what he means. My W actually said once, "we are all exactly where we are supposed to be. There are no wrong paths." This was a couple days after she resumed communicating with OM. All it was, was justification for her poor decisions, but nonetheless, that is what she felt and said. To a person who respects the idea of a committed marriage, it is clearly baloney. But it is par for the course. And your H is in a similar place.

re: fast tracking the D. can you say, "I need some more time to think about this. It's a big thing, and I'm going to need some time." But you can delay only so long, of course. The divorce process gets a schedule and it rolls along, whether you like it or not. You should try to keep the legal/business side separate from the emotional side. Keep DBing.


About Retrouvaille: He got your message. Twice. You don't need to ask any more. He's clear that you would like to go to Retrouvaille. He's thinking about it, even if he doesn't admit it. Let him think. Don't keep asking. Let it sit for a while.