Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? not a peep

Yes, I concur that it's time for LRT/Plan B.

I am not sure if I should do a formal letter announcing my intention to not be accessible to him, or if I should just not respond to texts/phone calls/IMs...or if I should be always business like and not ever be here at the house if he is going to be here.....

Looked at more houses today. YUCK,YUCK and more YUCK. *sigh*

Buuuut, I also went and looked at a rental that is around $1000 LESS than a comparable houses' mortgage. (IOW, rent is $1500 and if I purchased the house the mortgage would be $2500.) The owner will want to sell in about a year. It's at the top of my price range and normally I would really want to own, but saving $1000/mo is signifigant-and I don't think I would be saving that much by having the tax write off and I don't anticipate a lot of appreciation next year, so there is no loss there (compared to homeownership). This way I can get into the house, see if it's a good fit and see if I can save the extra $1000/mo. If I can, then I will know I can afford the mortgage. It is SOOOOOO cute.

I was really scared to call and tell the owner that I wanted it; but I just did call and told him. My first step in that direction!!! EEK! Next step start seriously packing. Next step after that-rent a PODS and put stuff in there.

Wow. Am I really doing this??

i think that it is important to give him a letter.
Explaining what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what kind of behaviour towards you would make you consider changing your mind.

To do otherwise... to plan to just "cut him off" silently... would be uncaring, and inconsiderate.

Even though he is being horribly selfish and pigheaded towards you... i think that you do care... and that you would not want to be seen as otherwise by him.

MB says to cut ALL contact off and have an intermediary handle all communication.
This seems a bit too drastic. We are still friendly; he still cares (in his way).

What I would like to do is write a letter that explains that I don't want contact so that I can heal and so we can both have some distance to get some perspective. Have all contact be only via email regarding finances/household matters only-no face to face contact. Reiterate that at this point I am not interested in a D.

Thoughts?

Trixi,

I think that breaking off all contact for a period would be very beneficial to you. You need some time and space without someone messing with your thoughts and feelings. At least it would allow you to regain control over your life and work out how you want to move things forwards in a calm, measured fashion.

Good luck with it.

Max

Thanks for writing MaxP--
About an two hours ago, my H sent me an Instant Message saying he was going to come over tonight to pick up "some things". This is the FIRST contact of ANY sort since a week ago yesterday. (When he told me to go and find a house.)

I held a brokers open today and a lender stopped by and within the context of talking about how she picked her current company she mentioned getting a D from her H who works for the same company my husband does. We ended up having a lengthy conversation; turns out she got 2/3rds(!) of the equity of the house AND spousal maintenance for 2 years because she made so much less than her H. Financially, I am in a very similar situation. They were together for 13 years, married for 8. It was an eye opener.

I don't feel compelled (at this second, at least) to write any formalized letter. I will need his cooperation in getting the bed and bedroom set from him when it's time to move. I think that if I keep my boundaries, it will accomplish the same thing. I think my position is going to be that unless and until he is ready to commit to the marriage, we don't need to talk about anything but business. And, maybe after I move I will end up doing a formal letter, but for now, I'll just make sure we don't go to bed or get too close.

Is that too strong to say that he has to be ready to commit to the marriage? Part of me says "Hell NO it's not to strong" and the other part of me says "well...that might scare him off. That might be too much pressure. Maybe we should "date" first." and then the other side of me says "Are you kidding me? You already did that!!" But when people reconcile, do they say "ok. we are committed." or do they say "ok. let's give this another go around." ? I tend to believe it's the latter. Blah.

I can't believe how fast this is going. Aug 21st he was back saying we should be dating; we were going to concerts having a great time and now he's telling me that we should file in January.

What happened:
He came in. Took some snack stuff I made. We talked about the broken fridge. I told him about the rental and we talked furniture, what I want to take with me, etc. He starts kind of making like he wants to leave and I say we'll need to hammer out the finances in the future and he sits back down.

Me "I'm going to need $$. This is not what I signed up for."
H "I'll help you out. It can go towards what I owe you."
Me "well, YOu're mistaken if you think you wouldn't owe me spousal supprt"
H "I won't pay you any spousal support. i refuse."
Me "Um, yeah, a judge would not agree with you"
H" Don't make this get ugly. If you make this ugly, then that will be IT for us. We'll never have a relationship in the future."
Me "I'm not trying to be ugly. Just saying. Besides, this is all conjecture anyway. We're not at that point."

We negotiate some, sort of agree that he will pay me a year and NOT have it go towards what he owes me and that he will have to give me money monthly and/or in lump sums to make up the difference for the equity. So, then I say "well, here is my delusion. Part of why I want to rent is that I still have a little flame of hope for us. We can agree to the numbers when I move out, but leave things legally alone...{and I see a flicker go across his face}....unless you're in some big hurry to file."
He shifts in his chair. I wait. He says "I think we should file in January and just get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible." OMG!!!

I say (as water is gushing from my eyes) that I will not be the one to file and pay for something I don't want and he says "oh, that's fine. I'll take care of that part."

At that point I could barely keep myself together so I told him that it was time for him to be gone. So he said OK and left.

And since then, I have been wailing and crying my eyes out in between bouts of typing.

I just can't believe it. Of course, I get to look forward to the shock of him actually filing and then the shock of it actually being finalized. I just can't believe it and i feel HORRIBLE that I blew my opportunity when he came back in August. I totally handled it wrong. Expletive expletive expletive.

Dear Trixi-
You are having a really bad moment. I feel like crying with you.

We are with you.

Thanks Sealily-
Hey- you're in Washington. Me too.

How about the storm on Monday!? That's kind of how I am right now. Tons of waterworks.

What's your story Sealily? What brings you to DB?

oh man, trixie, I am sooo sorry honey. (((HUGS))) I really am sorry.

what an ass. he really thinks he has you over a barrel. it is unforgivable dangling that that sh!t wrapped in orange faux-carrot at you...that if you don't play nice there won't be a chance for reconciliation. seriously. what a rat.

please take care of yourself. do NOT let him walk all over you. that is what he is looking to do. stay strong. give yourself time, here. he can rush all he wants, but you make sure you take the time you need to really figure out what you need/want, not what he is willing to dole out. you are NOT the one making this ugly. he is.

Awww I am so sorry Trixi. I keep expecting this from my H any day now but can't imagine how it must feel when it actually happens.

My first reaction is don't rush anything and don't bring up anything else. I'd also come up with a generic but protective response next time he tries to "negotiate" - because I think he's way too good at manipulating you, and I think he'll manipulate you right into a really bad deal. (no "dig" against you, I just think he's too good at it and you have too hard a time NOT resisting it).



I hope you recognize this for what it is - TOTAL manipulation. Pardon my french but.. F him. Maybe it's YOU who doesn't want an R (friendship or otherwise... you do realize he could mean "relationship" as "distant friendship" right??). If he decides you leave you BOTH have control over what level of contact/friendship/interaction you have - one of you may want more than the other, but you can both walk away and have almost no contact any time. If you let this get to you it means you are still giving him WAY too much control over your life.



I think this probably pissed him off when you tell him where "we" are. The "we" for a start.. and then the telling him what he thinks/where the R is at. Partly because HE wants total control of that right now, and partly because where YOU think the R is may not be where HE thinks the R is. Make sense??

No point in spending a lot of time on this but just a guess... and another example of how what seems relatively 'innocent' to us can be seen SO differently by our Hs.



I think honestly that the pressure you put on him here probably prompted him to want to rush things and get it over with - to make the pressure stop.

But as for the rest of it - I really think as I mentioned earlier that you need to not negotiate with him at all.

I've heard way too many stories (especially w/no kids involved) where you agree to things now thinking "oh it's just temporary, I won't get a lawyer involved until later" - only to have a judge say "Well it was good enough then and you agreed to less than the law allows so I'm going to sign off on that arrangement that you already made."

Yes there are laws to protect you - but if both spouses agree to something different the judge weighs that and takes it into account. Even if you agreed to it before you/he filed.

What I'd do (and have done a few times):

Deflect it by matter of factly saying "That's a legal question and I'm not prepared to discuss it right now." If he pushes further say that you're not comfortable discussing it without a third party who knows the law present. Period.. no more discussion on that topic. If he asks again or still tries to negotiate, repeat "that's a legal question and I'm not prepared to discuss it right now."

I really hate to see you agree to something now that is way less than what you deserve - and later becomes permanent.

Don't let him guilt you, manipulate you, etc.

In fact.. hate to say it but given how manipulative he's been and is now being, you may want to at least file for a legal sep before you move... to protect yourself financially. At minimum please make sure you know exactly what your rights are and that whatever he is offering is equivalent (or better) before you agree to anything.