Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE What does the group think?

Not planning on putting any money aside, just having the account open. Besides, in a D, I do not think legally there is such a thing as money that is strictly mine... Hairdog could probably shed light on that aspect.

I'm not going to give any legal advice. But I'll share my thoughts.

Having an empty checking account doesn't really make sense to me. If you want an account when/if you split, the bank can set one up in a matter of minutes. Getting checks printed is another matter, but who uses checks anymore?

Having some cash? That might be a good idea, but it could also bite your butt. And who pays with cash anymore? Oh sure, 10 years ago when I was in the last couple months of marriage #1, I used to write checks for groceries and tack on an extra $20 for cash that I held onto, but I wouldn't do that today.

If you recall, my W and I had an argument recently (to the point of the divorce threat), and she said that the first thing she was going to do was to cancel all joint credit cards. I didn't have any non-joint credit cards, so I felt pretty vulnerable. If I ever feel that close to "termination" again, I'll be sure to have a credit card in my name only in reserve. But I'll only get one of those if it's truly close to the "end of days." Once you have a credit card, assuming you have a reasonable credit limit, you're golden.

If I was close to the "end of days", I'd open a checking account at that point, and I'd be prepared to have my paycheck go into it through direct deposit. Same thing with health flexible spending account reimbursements and several other types of electronic transfers that I don't think about anymore. Of course, I'll want to make sure that we still pay all our bills...wouldn't want to end up appearing like I left a W "high and dry".

This is making me sad for you Balto. I sure hope you can work it out with her. As someone who's been there, let me assure you that "divorce fantasies" do NOT come true.

Hairdog

I think each partner in a couple should have a cash stash or a checking account of their own or SOME money that they don't have to be accountable for. I think most household financial advice experts will say this.

I know many couples where each has his/her own account and pays a proportion into a joint household account. Other couples pool everything. I've done it both ways. I like it better when my money is separate. But in my recent marriage we pooled everything, and there was never any conflict over money. In my first marriage, many years ago, there was constant conflict over money. He took care of it and we fought over money all the time.

There should be nothing morally wrong or questionable about wanting your own checking account. Why don't each of you open one? Each of you can save up for presents for the other, for special trips, or just treats of some kind. Try not to make it a harbinger of bad things to come.

I like Lou's approach.

And then of course, there's Lady Bird Johnson, who said, "I wouldn't have a joint checking account with the Archangel Gabriel."

I hope nobody is angry with me but I needed to show some unbiased opinions to my W with this thread. Consequently I reversed the roles here. It was me who found out about the secret checking account that was opened with the address being sent to a friend. I tried to portray her motives as she explained them to me as dispassionately and as unbiased as possible in order not to taint the replies. If I had laid it out straight and gotten the replies I did she would have said that you all were taking up for me because you "know" me.

So Hairdog, I have no "divorce fantasies". I don't know if I can say the same about my W...

I reversed the roles here

Good one Balto.. No I am not angry. I have done something similar on another pro women forum. Maybe I should say a forum there the female ratio is 80%. It is a tough place for a guy to post there sometimes.

Lou

Makes sense, Balto. You are too aware to pose that type of question in the first place.

Well now, that little exercise was pointless. Apparently, W and my problems are SO UNIQUE that the opinions of others have absolutely no meaning. Where's the little eye roll smiley when you need it? I swear, she has been so upstanding, honest, and moral for so long (I mean that sincerely) that it is like she feels she now personifies those qualities so by definition anything she does is honest, upstanding, and moral. Even when it is not.

Balto, maybe she is just trying to protect herself "in case." Can't really fault her for that. I'm sure she is more than aware of the tension and/or avoidance in the M, right?

LFL

We have had many talks about this though. We have in the past both contacted lawyers without the other knowing. I made the analogy that we were like the the US & USSR in the cold war. Each side assuming the other was getting the upper hand and one day it would lead to a miscalculation and a "launch". So, we had said that we would be completely open about these sorts of issues so there wouldn't be any miscalculations. She wasn't.

I'm also not sure how opening an account with $50 dollars is doing anything to protect herself. As Hairdog said, you can open an account in a couple of minutes. The only way that this could protect her would be if she started to siphon off from the common money into this account. I would consider this an extreme breach of trust bordering on criminal behavior since three out of every four common dollars comes from my check (hmmm, I guess she owes me $37.50). I do not think this was her intention. I believe she wanted something to hang her identity on. Corri's analogy seems close in that this is something a teenager would do to assert their independence.

I am not opposed to changing the way our finances work, but I am opposed to one partner changing it without letting the other know.

I feel so . . . used. So . . . dirty.

I like it.

Anywho.... so, how'd you find out about it? I say, let her have her checking account, but the statements should be shared with you, not mailed to a friend.

And no more deception.

"Openness leads to health. Secrecy leads to pathology." The minister at my church said this recently. It rings true.

Hairdog