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Thank you I_W. I think the same thing that she is telling herself a lot of BS to justify a decision that she does know is wrong. The fact that she wrote a letter to her sister that was nearly word for word for her speech to me tonight makes me suspect that she has been running that BS in her head for a while until we met tonight. Why would you keep thinking about the same statements if you were not trying to convince yourself of them. In the end it may not matter but I know that she will feel it. She is a good girl that is really confused.

You seem to be able to type words that help. I will have faith that this will be reconciled. Tough night for me. I hope tomorrow will be better.

Good Morning WAW-p. Hope you're ok.

I'll agree with the idea that to a degree, she has to stick with the plan. Too much pride, now. (One of the 7 deadly sins). Letter to sister is just another circumstance that you must not allow to sway you.

Here's your job for the next ??? months. You are to love your wife as you promised you would do. Not because of what she does for you - but in spite of what she does TO you. That's the love she needs to feel.

I appreciate the insight. I do feel a little better this morning though. I can at least control my emotions this morning. She has already called and left a message for me to call her. Not sure what that is about.

It will be hard to love her with all the things she is going to do TO me in the next several months. Considering the LS, moving stuff out of our house, moving out of the area, and not contacting me very much. I am going to try to provide her with the love that she needs I just wonder if that is what she wants, really. I am going to do a lot of praying. I am not going to drop my promise nor fail the M. She will have to do that all by herself.

WAW,

You do have a similar sitch, except without kids, they do tell themselves over and over why they are doing this to justify it, until that stops we all have to be patient, trust me man its tough but be strong, go rent the movie Superbad its hilarious i had a friend over last night and we watched it i laughed my ass off, didnt think aobut my W for the duration of the movie it fealt good.Hang in there everyone here is going to help you... if you even think about slipping get on the board and type it helps me, even if you dont get a response it will help you vent a bit

waw-p I am so sorry for what you are going through. I don't think your W's words are that unusual. As I read through your post I was nodding my head as I heard almost those exact same words from my H only a few months ago. He told me he was emotionally exhausted and he could not and would not work on M. He told me he didn't think he ever loved me and he too stayed because he was afraid of hurting me, that he was the one to blame for our sitch, etc, etc. My C called it "revisionist history" and is very common. It is not a true history but something that WAS have to do to justify their decision. Another thing to expect if it hasn't happened already is that the WAS will often demonize the LBS as another method to make themselves feel better. They don't necessarily do it intentionally and is a defense mechanism. What I mean by "demonize" is that they will intentionally pick fights or do something to anger you, upset you, or otherwise get you to do something that you will most likely regret later. It gives the WAS something to react to and say to themselves, "see I had to leave. He/she is such a monster, how could anyone put up with that behavior?" Don't let it get to you.

All that being said doesn't make it any easier. Hang in there. Now is the time to be as strong as you can and really work on yourself. You need to pick up the pieces and the more you focus on you the better you'll feel. Peace.

WP, Some great advice here. Just remember there is always hope. It might take mons even years but there is always hope. Hope for what? That is the question. Hope for your marriage with your wife? Maybe. Hope for you to go on to a better life. That's up to u. Use this time to figure out what u want and need. After this time u might discover that u too need or want more. But, also remember that your WAW is hurting right now. They might not show it, but they have been struggling making this decision for at least a year or more. They felt trapped. All they can think of is escape. They're not thinking rationally. Only "I need to get out now or I'm never going to b happy". What they don't know is that leaving's not necessarily going to make them happy either. They r confused Big Time! The guilt is eating them alive. To the point where they have to some how "demonize" (good word TB)us in order to sleep at night. Why is it that we LBS put so much stock in what our WAS tell us? They have no clue what they want so we need to ignore everything they say and believe 50% of what they show us. Sound familier?Unfortunately, it's not up to us. They have to figure that out for themselves. That's where giving them the time and space comes in. Just let go of the rope. Sometimes they come back quick sometimes it takes a long time. Regardless, it's not on your clock. As hard as it is, dig deep and put aside the hate and resentment that u will feel or are already feeling from betrayal. Show her how strong u are by still being her friend through all this. WWJD (What would/Did Jesus Do)? It's not going to be easy, but its the only way she would ever consider coming back to u. Right now she thinks she knows who u r. There's no chance he will ever change or be any different. Use this as your motivation to be the person you want to be the person you know u can be.

Remember, like I've heard alot on this site. Your running a marathon not a quick couple miles.

God Speed, B

Thank you all,

I slept in this morning and am taking most of the day off work. It is unusual for me that today I am not crying every other hour. I think that is progress in some direction maybe. I am trying to detach myself to the situation to some degree. Instead of being the broken down and pitiful LBS I am trying to be a strong change oriented person. It is encouraging that my WAW is not the only one that has said such cruel things and that all of our sitches are so similar. I am praying for the day when she might consider working on our M but right now I am curious about what is going on with me today. Why am I not wore out over this? Why am I not completly broke down. Granted, I am not doing real well but my emotions are more stable than they were. I am emotionally exhausted but I don't feel as bad as I did. I am trying to let go of my fear and look more towards the Lord. "Build your house on the rock" so to speak.

Thank you BrokenM,Torchbearer, and dh4320. Your encouraging words help me. As I mentioned before, my love language is "Words of Affirmation" (Gary Chapman). Curious thing happened today too. She called me this morning and we had a little small talk but she did not sound real good today. She said that she accidently slept in and has been behind all day. I asked her if there something that I could do for her (basically asking why she called) and she said that she was just calling in to check on me. She asked me if I had plans tonight and she said that she might call me this evening. I am trying not to read too much into it because I now she may feel differently in an hour or she may be back to cold self tomorrow. However, might be a sign that she at least wants to stay friends.

I did a lot of validating last night and listening. I tried to stay strong and positive and just hear her out. I had a notebook with me last night that I had previously written some things down on that we could do if she decided to give it a chance. I did not want to share them after her speech but at the end before we left she wanted to know what was on the legal pad. I told her what was on it in general but asked her if she really wanted me to tell her before I read them. She said that she did and so I read them. She was pretty quiet during that part and I had at least 2 pages. I think she could tell that I had put some effort into it. I ended that part with me telling her that everyone in her life has failed her in their relationships with her including me and even herself but that I was not going to fail the M and that I was going to be the one and maybe even the only one in her life that was willing to fight for her.

This is going to be a long road regardless of the outcome of the M. I have got to find a way to GAL though so that I can find joy in something. I will try to be a friend to her if she will let me and I will try to be strong. I will be leaning on you guys for help. Thank you all!

I thought of something else too. It is amazing that the WAW does everything they can as quick as they can to change the situation they are in because they think that the change in their situation will change how they feel. To some degree it may be true after quited some time but most of the time it seems that they do not realize that to be truly happy they need to look inside themselves first and make changes there. Interesting thought.

Don't question too much the good days. You will surely have a lot of ups and downs, so when you aren't down, just roll with it.

I agree, wouldn't read too much into her calling you today. She probably has guilt about what she is doing, after all you were together a long time and she does have feelings for you (even if she isn't really sure about them right now). But it is nice that she did that, she is not totally cold, and maybe she would like to remain friends. You had to become friends before you got married, and you will likely have to rebuild that now if there is going to be a reconciliation, so work on being friends if you can, and if she will let you.

Re: your second thought: I agree, it seems that the WAW moves so very quickly, she thinks that now she's made up her mind she has to change everything as fast as possible. Maybe it is to avoid their doubts, maybe it is cause they think the faster they get rid of the old life the faster they can be happy. Perhaps that is true sometimes, but I think usually they will come to see that it wasn't just the LBS that made them unhappy, that they will need to work on themselves a bit too. That's why letting go and detaching can be so important--not just for you, but to give her an opportunity to see what is going on and look inside themselves a bit. Maybe she will, maybe she won't, but she never will if not given the chance.

Good point mako. I should not question the good days but just be glad that they are here rather than the bad days. Thanks for that advice. I tend to over annalyze.

I am not trying to read too much into her calling. Your thoughts that guilt might be the cause if very possible. She sounded pretty down. Hopefully she will let us still be friends.

I also thought about that WAW behavior a little more too since your quote. Maybe they are working so fast to quiet that doubt in their mind. Maybe they are so desperate to be happy that they want to move faster to feel better. I am working on the detaching part. Hopefully that will help us both.