Today was a tough one with H. I went out early this morning to run errands and stopped to check on H. He had tm me last night and I was worried about him. I thought this may show him that i care.
He looked horrible when I saw him. Just laying on the couch. Once again he said that he wished he would sleep forever. That getting up to do anything was just too hard. I sat with him for a bit and then left to go grocery shopping. He said he would be up later to work on the tree.
H came by around 1 to do the tree. He could barely function. He helped move it and put the lights on with me and then d12 decorated it. I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner later and he said it was too hard to be here. I wonder if it is guilt. He had mentioned a few days ago about how much guilt he feels when he is around us.
Anyway, we decorated the tree and I went in my room to put laundry away. MIL called h (as she is in florida right now) and it was all he could do to pull it together to talk with her.
H and I looked over D12's christmas list. I told him I was shopping tomorrow and he said he may have something going on but will let me know if he would be coming with me.
A while later he came back into the bedroom and said he was leaving. He said he had the chills and was just not feeling well. Was going to go lay down. He said he may come back later.
So, all in all, not sure what is going on. Snodderly, could he be in this deep depression and still be in replay with MOW at the same time? I feel like the guilt of the situation is driving him into withdrawal right now. He is a mess.
So, I cooked dinner and saved him some in case he comes back. If not, leftovers for tomorrow. I don't know where his head is and I worry that his heart is still with MOW.
I pray he went home when he left here and not to her. I just have to have faith in God that he didn't. He is barely functioning around me....but is that an act for me or reality right now?
I asked if he wanted to stay for dinner later and he said it was too hard to be here. I wonder if it is guilt.
It is. He cannot bear to be around what he walked away from. It hurts him.
I don't think it's an act. This is how my H was, too. It's also very hard for you to be around him right now because you don't know what to do to help him, and it makes you sad. I remember.
He's got to come to the point of wanting help, mopsey. When he can't stand feeling this badly anymore, he will.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Mopsey, Hope has said it best. "He's got to come to the point of wanting help".
He's feeling an awful lot of guilt right now for what he's done to everyone, but you can't fix that for him. He's the only one that can make this right. Yes, you can be there for him, but until he slam dunks to the bottom, faces his issues and realizes that he's the one that has to do a lot of the work, he'll not get it. Yes, he's in depression and depression makes them feel guilty too. It sounds like he's got the ills that go w/depression as well. Guilt is a terrible, and yet powerful tool that works on the conscience. God is working on him each and every minute of the day. It will get through to him eventually.
Yes, you can have replay (ow) and have the depression. Eventually the "black" depression will create the withdrawal stage for him. The ow can be right in the picture up until he returns home and then some still remain in the picture a while longer. Mopsey, I seriously doubt that any woman in her right mind would want to be around this type of behavior for a long period of time.
I know you are worried about him, but there's nothing you can do for him. You can't fix him. He's a big boy and he needs to figure this one out for himself. Your plate is far too full at this time w/the holidays and your family. Keep your focus on your family for now. Allow God to do the worrying for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
snodderly you are so right on. they have to hit rock bottom. I keep wondering how far down does he have to go? how far is far for them?
It is so hard not to want to rescue them. But it doesn't help them OR us. Snodderly is right--- they have to get through it. THEY have to let GOD take control and work through everythign.
this is hard - very hard.
M-20 years/BOMB 12/24/06 Moved out 3/12/07 D final 7/30/2008 finding myself again
H just called. Apologizing for not being himself. He said he just doesn't know what is wrong with him. He is all messed up.
He apologized for not coming back for dinner and i told him it was no big deal. I told him I was there for him if he needed and he questioned why.
As we hung up he said he was going back to sleep and maybe he will come by later. I doubt it. I think he is withdrawing into his cave right now.
I am off work tomorrow. Can't wait to get some shopping done. Seems like whenever I shop d12 is with me and I see all these things for her and can't buy them when she is there.
Not sure if H will be around. Monday is his day for counseling but I am not sure if he has an appt. tomorrow or not. I am not asking him anything about it. If he wants to tell me that's fine...i just don't want to pry.
THis week has been crazy. Perhaps d12's words to him struck a nerve. Who knows? All I know is this depression scares me and I feel so helpless. I don't know what to say to him other than I am here for you. I feel like such an idiot.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with the ugliness and the sadness of this part of MLC.
Honey, I promise it does get better, and you are doing such a terrific job I am so very proud of your attitude.
I know it seems as though he is moving along at a snails pace, but the important thing is that he is moving forward.
He turns to you as his "safe" person. It is you that he trusts. He knows that your home is a safehaven because you have done such a good job of making him feel welcome there.
MMM! Ricotta cookies, they sound delicious. Want to share the recipe?
((((((sending big hugs and prayers))))))
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
Thanks BND...this sure is sad and ugly. I am sad too because H keeps saying that it is hard for him to be at our home with us right now. I wonder if this will ever pass.
It is also so frustrating not knowing where his heart is. He keeps saying how he has made everyone, including himself unhappy. I wonder if this includes MOW. Whatever.
Still standing.....but feeling very helpless. I am a fixer and I know this is something I can't help him fix. I just wish i could give it a nudge....but even that is not possible.
Patience....I guess that is what I have to practice. Hard. But hopefully it will be worth it in the end.
RICOTTA COOKIES:
2 cups sugar 1 cup butter 15 ounces ricotta cheese 2 teaspoons vanilla 2 large eggs 4 cups flour 2 tablespoons baking powder 1 teaspoon salt
ICING: 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar 3 tablespoons milk ( I put a 1/2 tsp of anise flavoring in the icing...my kids like it)
Preheat oven to 350ºF. In large bowl, with mixer at low speed, beat sugar and butter until blended. Increase speed to high; beat until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. Beat in ricotta, vanilla, and eggs until well combined. Add flour, baking powder, and salt; beat until dough forms. Drop dough by level tablespoons, about 2 inches apart; onto ungreased large cookie sheet. Bake about 15 minutes or until cookies are very lightly golden (cookies will be soft) With spatula, remove cookies to wire rack to cool. Repeat with remaining dough. When cookies are cool, prepare icing. In small bowl, stir icing sugar and milk until smooth. With small spreader, spread icing on cookies;
This is a recipe an old friend gave to me. My kids love them. I am not a great bake...(even though I grew up in my grandparents bakery) but these are easy and yummy.
BND....how did you handle it when your H hit this depression. I just don't know what to say to him other than telling him I am here for him.
Thank you for the recipe I am excited to try them.
When Beloved hit the deep depression, he was 3000 miles away. I had to listen to it over the phone, and read the texts and emails.
I am not sure if it was easier because he was far away of if it made it harder because he couldn't come to the house and see us.
I hated to hear him crying over the phone and to hear the self loathing.
My Husband was a mess, and as I have posted before, it takes time and patience to get through this stage. It consumes so much emotional energy because we want to make it all better and "fix" it but we have to stay back and watch from a distance.
But think of it this way, your Husband trusts you enough to share his heart with you, he knows where "home" is.
As long as he keeps moving forward, you are doing fine.
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I have to wonder if my H is a mess just around me or if he is like this all of the time. Not sure, just wondering,
Had today off. H called at 8:30 this morning to see if I still wanted to go Christmas shopping. I told him I had an appt. but will call when I was done and we can figure it out.
When I called him he asked that I meet him at the mall. He didn't want to drop a car off and travel together. Whatever. He was quiet while we shopped. Come to think of it I was quiet too.
It is so hard to block out some of the things that they say. All I could think of is how he told me if he came back the kids would live in a dysfunctional family. I guess in his mind he will never be happy with me. His heart is with someone else and I just don't think it will be changing any time soon.
Anyway, we shopped for a while and then when we were done he went home to get something he took from the house that I needed to cook with today (probably had a tantrum a while back and took it ...it is my rotisserie---he said he wanted to make chicken for his parents...yeah right).
He brought it up and put the chicken on it for me. He stayed while and watched tv in my room. I was laying on the bed and he couldn't be further away from me. Usually he is right there with me ...whatever.
He just left for therapy.He told me this is where he was going. I wish I could be a fly on the wall in his session. I wonder if the C can help him...even sees this for what it is or if H has him convinced that h is in love with mow and has never been happy with me. I refuse to ask him anything about therapy or the C. If he wants to tell me he will.
So, guess I am feeling a little helpless. Letting God, H and the C take control of this. Still unsure about MOW.
My final thought for now is that my h is the most stubborn man ever. Thinks he is always right and can't admit to making a mistake. I don't know how he will ever come home if he is like this. He seemed so distant today. But once again I don't know if this is an act for me alone.
Off to get dinner for the kids. Not sure if H will be back tonight. He didn't say goodbye to d12...so he may. Whatever. We are fine with him here or without him.
