Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I do this....

Hound - I don't know about you, but I am seriously thinking about packing it in.

After 2+ months of DBing, my relationship with the W is stable, but I think our feelings for each other are really starting to fade. I am at the point where I think I may be happier on my own.

Sure it will be painful. But in the end it may be for the best.

Do you ever look at your wife - now and say... do I really want to spend the rest of my life with this person? Yeah it was good at one point, but that time has passed.

Some relationships last for a moment, some for awhile, very few forever.

Fish-
It sounds like you are reading the WAS handbook there. All I'm saying is think before you leap. I don't think she's done, in fact you are sounding more done than you've make her sound.

Jeff

two months? a lousy two months? thats nothing.




That is true. Most relationships decay/fall apart/drift away, because the people involved, dont choose to maintain them.
that in no way justifies you giving up on your marriage, because things arent all sparkles and light, after 2 months of trying. eeesh....
fish-man... that's just sad.
if you're gonna choose the cop-out route, please dont come onto hound's thread, and try to make yourself feel better by talking him into giving up too. That's unkind, on top of sad.
"the grass is greener over there" talk, is the last thing he needs right now

Dom is right guys, two months is pretty much nothin' in the DBing game! I DB'd for 3 years before throwing in the towel, for two of those years I lived with my W being in an A. That said, you MUST do everything you can and more. As I've said on Fish's thread, you never want to say to yourself "why didn't I try XXX" Do everything you possibly can Hound and Fish, no matter how it turns out, in the end, you will be better men for having done what you did. You can't lose! If your Dbing works, you're M and families are saved, if it doesn't you can still look in the mirror each morning and be proud of the person you see there. It's a no-brainer, don't give up yet!

My turn to ring in for the team. I will also post on your thread Fish.

I will never give up on my dream as it relates to my wife and family. I have never once thought that this relationship would be momentary. Especially now that I am making some strides to fight my personal demons I feel more and more confident that I can be a great person, father, and especially husband.

I can see the glimpses everyday from W and from myself that there is so much to work for here. I know that she is telling me that it is over and that she does not want to work. But, if you look at a lot of what Dom and the others are trying to help me realize what she is saying is that she does not want that person, that marriage, that life. So what's a man to do?

Fish, for me I don't know that I can put a timeline on such a dramatic event in our lives. Also, I can not possibly say to myself it has been X amount of time and I need to give. I have been giving in my whole life in almost every aspect of who I am and this time I will not throw in the towel.

Conversely, I am learning that my happiness has very little to do with her and our relationship. You see, happiness is becomming more about what makes me happy and whole rather than what looks like happy. My R/M with my W just makes my happiness more clear and defined. It's like the day I finally signed up for HD on my TV. I had an awesome HD TV for a while but was too cheap to buy the HD package. So I was happy with my big TV and all the games and movies I could watch. But when I bought the HD package it was so much clearer and became a better experience.

I am seeing that my happiness has less to do with my R and more to do with my own clarity. So, Fish, I appreciate that I can come into this forum and vent and get slapped around a little, but at the end of the day whether I am DB'ing or not I am not giving up on my W or my family and more importantly I am not giving up on myself.

I think that a lifetime is way too much to give up in 2 months. Maybe I will feel differently in the future, but I would hope not.

A man needs to stand firm, and realize, that feelings change.

Also, that your wife is right in not wanting "that [old] life". Would you really want it either?
You have to show her that you can have a "new life" together.

Years ago, your wife told you that she loved you more than anyone else, and would spend the rest of her life with you.
You believed that her feelings would never change.

Now she's telling you that she doesnt love you, and "it's over".

Why would you believe now, that her feelings would never change once more?

Feelings change. It takes time.
Sometimes, a whole lot of time.

What to do during that time?



I'd say you've already found your answer.
Good for you

I'd say you've already found your answer.
Good for you
[/quote]

What to do now you ask. Fish, I am guessing that you may want to pay attention to this too. The only thing that I can do is hope that I am taking all the steps necessary to make myself happy and not tie too much to W.

For example, I had another day of what I call her waivering. She called me last night upset that I did not come over for dinner. She had made something special and was hoping that I would come over. Due to a set of circumstances that I can't really control I was not able to come by for dinner. I could tell on the phone that she was disappointed. Maybe the disappointment was that she made food for 4 and only 3 ate or whatever. But, this was a Dom moment... she was reaching out to me for a 180 and I could not make it happen last night.

But this morning after Men's group I did take some of that wonderful dinner and she even made me a plate for lunch today!!! This from a woman who for years refused to make me a lunch because I am a big boy and should be able to do that for myself. She made me a plate of food!!!!!!!!!!

Can I tell you again FISH she made me a plate of food. Wow! So what does that mean? I don't really know but it made me feel great! What made me feel better was about 5 minutes ago when I finshed my pork chop, green beans, and scallopped potatoes and thought that I am going to learn how to make something really special. Not so much for her, but because I love to cook so much something I never realized until this all happened.

Sorry I am all over the board today. Fish, don't give up if you believe in your heart that your life is meant to be shared with your W and D. Don't give up on your D after 2 months.... Even though she gave me a wonderful plate of food that wall was still there, but I am willing to find a way around it if I have to because I finally feel like I am overflowing with love and that is a great place to be.

Until.... I get down again. LOL.

Fish, I think that we can do it. You and I and Dom and Whatis and the Col and Cat and all the others. That is the greatness of this board come in and vent and fret and worry. But go out prepared to roll, ready to take on this mess that we are all in.

Sorry for the soapbox, but while I still feel that my W is on the fence I am so over that same fence.....

Just a vent....

I am super pissed right now about OM. really have no reason to be, but I am. I was just thinking about some things that we W/I need to do to get ready for our move and prepare our family for more changes in our life and I can't help but think that if this OM was out of the picture things would be so much different. Again, just venting here but I am not sure what the heck she is doing with this relationship with OM.

Just gonna pull a Dom here and list some things out:

* We live here and he lives 906 miles away.
* She has 2 children with me and a life, now lets keep in mind that this life has not always been perfect but she is a stay at home mom with a beautiful home and for the most part has everything she needs. He is also D'd and seems to be "immature" (her words)
* I have a very stable career with unlimited growth. He is a low level marketing person for her company and she admits that he "doesn't make near the money you do".
* With me she could continue to stay home and focus on building her business. With him/or a D she would have to get a full time job to make ends meet even with my support.
* With some effort toward our M she could change the outcome of her life. With him there is no certainty that with effort they would even live in the same town.
* I am a committed father who adores his children and would give up any other activity to spend time with them. He would be a step-parent or boyfriend with no equity stake in their development.

Anyway, I could go on, but I just need to get this out right now. I am baffled at this sitch sometimes, I know that our R would take so much work, but in the end would it not be worth it if we make it? If not, would it not be worth it to insure that we are great partners for our kids?

I wish this scum-bag would just go away. I mean she tells me all the time that she keeps telling him to leave her alone but still I have to deal. Oh well, I got it out now, back to my life....

Just came back from my own IC appointment and it was such a downer. IC thinks that she is being close and intimate with me from time to time b/c she misses closeness not because she wants to be with me, which is why she continues to say this M will not work and she is not going to work on it.

I am thinking again about a Retro weekend in January, wondering if anyone can offer suggestions as to how I can ask W to go. IC thinks it's a great idea and that as long as I continue to make progress with my own issues he thinks that it may be an excellent opportunity for us to understand if we want to work on this or not. So how do I cross that bridge?

Maybe you can have the mc bring it up at your next appt. That way it's not a suggestion from you trying to work things out, but a suggestion from mc on how to learn to communicate better.
Very non-threatening.