Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

Hi,

It sounds like your husband is wigging out a bit. I was pretty much in his shoes and acting just like him once upon a time. Sounds like he is REAL insecure and is wanting to re-connect but doesn't know how to go about it. You have no idea how dumb guys really are. Also, many women don't realize how much us dumb guys really care but have trouble expressing. His cleaning up the room is an attempt to do better but he didn't get the expected response so he is fishing for it. I did the same. I was not fishing for praise but only fishing to make sure my wife noticed so she could see I was trying. That only annoyed her more, much like you describe above. Men are dumb! Encourage him and I bet he will try more.

Have you read The Divorce Remedy? If not, do it today. I also highly recommend the Marriage Breakthrough seminar DVD's. Those seem like they could help your situation greatly.

What you have described seems totally fixable but you guys are sort of missing each other. Sure sounds like you both want to fix things but don't know how. The Marriage Breakthrough stuff could help get you on the same page.

Thanks DNOY - I'm planning on picking up the book tonight if they have it at the book store. If not I'll order it online. Don't have the money for the dvds yet, but on payday .

I know that he is insecure. He wasn't always like that, but somewhere a couple years ago, i started noticing it. Some days I feel like he really does want it all to work out. Other days, I feel like he couldn't could care less about me.

I do appreciate the things he does. I told him thank you and I appeciate him helping. I know that he was busy and it was very nice that he took the time to do that. I don't know what more he needs. He used to act so differently so I'm having a hard time understanding what he needs and he doesn't tell me much unless he's complaining.

I think because of his insecurities i have a hard time explaining exactly how I feel. I don't want to hurt him or make him think I'm looking anywhere else even though I'm not particularly happy.

OK. DNOY - I took what you said to heart. THANK YOU!

After talking to my H at lunch (daily routine) he seemed sad. So, I sent him an email. I have a hard time talking to him lately without crying, so email is always best. I really wanted to encourage him, i hate seeing anyone sad, so I told him that I know that he has been helping more around the house and spending more time with the girls and that I really appreciate it. I told him a couple things that bother me and then finished up with I know that it must be really hard for him knowing that I'm not in love with him, but that I think if we both work really hard we can get our relationship back to where it needs to be. i also mentioned that one of the things that I really missed is when we used to sit together on the couch and watch movies after the girls went to bed.

he came back and said that knowing how i feel makes it hard to get motivated to do things for me and with me. He said that since I had the EA he feels like I don't really want to be with him, that I'd rather be with OM. He said he's scared that I will just come home one day and tell him it's over. That he isn't excited about this new baby because he doesn't even know if he'll be around when it's born. He said that he can say without a doubt that I'm the only one he'll ever want to spend his life with, but he knows I can't say the same and that's hard for him. then he said that a movie sounds nice.

I told him its hard for me to. Because i don't ever intend to get divorced, but I don't know if and when I will fall in love with him again. What good is a M that lasts forever if there is no love... I told him that the OM was a void filler after he told me he wanted a divorce and nothing more. At the time I may have though it was more, but thats only cause he gave me all the emotional support that I had been beggin from him(my H). That the one thing I can say without a doubt is that I know I don't want anyone else and that I'm fighting for my M. I told him that this baby could be a way to bring us closer together and no matter what ever happens, his babies adore him and he'd never miss any part of their lives. I told him that I would make popcorn for the movie. I also so at the end that time and patience are what it's going to take. We just have to give it time.

He replyed and said thanks and asked that I call on my way home (I always do) then he does something he always used to do. He quoted a silly movie... "but i want it now!!" from willy wonka... that made me smile. I was glad he was ina much better mood.

I got home and my living room and Ds room were cleaned, vacuumed and everything. He didn't fold the laundry, but laid it all out and sorted it into who it belongs to. I was stunned!!! I thanked him and kinda made a big deal about it. We watched the movie and I fell asleep on his lap, he was rubbing my head. It as really nice.

Then this morning, he's up and in his office before i wake up, he's short with me and grumpy. I had to practically beg for a kiss goodbye (daily ritual). I don't know what happened... things were so good last night. Anyone have a clue?

Thanks.

Hey, sweetie, I just read some of your sitch and I understand where you are coming from in some ways. I had 3 boys in 7 yrs and found myself not real *happy* w/ myself, my M or my H all the time and especially did not want sex AT ALL. However, then let's go to the other side of the coin -- a year ago in January *I* got the D bomb from H and I was devastated. My eyes were opened to the fact that I had truly been taking him for granted, not showing him how much I loved him (or did I even realize up to that point how much I still loved him?), how sexy I still thought he was, etc. I didn't realize how unhappy I was making him. Now I was on the verge of losing him and a lot of it was my own doing.

Moral of my story being -- be careful. I surely hope you don't end up pushing your H completely away and then regret it later.

Hi RHW, I totally understand what you are saying and thank you. I think there are some differences though that affect how I feel.

In our M, he asked for a divorce because I was unhappy and I wasn't sure it would work out. He figured if I was unsure, that it wasn't worth any effort on his part. I took that to mean he only loved me enough to work on it if there was some sort of guarentee. There never is and he was adament about not changing his mind. We were through.

The sex issue in our M is different than a lot of sits that I've read. Had it just been the lax of sex making me unhappy, I think I would have done some things differently, but I had so many other issues with him and how we treated me and took me for granted that I just didn't care to find out what.

The year prior to this (during pregnancy and after baby was born) was a year of me being 99% responsible for persuing sex and I did (HD here) and i would get rejected about 3 out of 7-9 times asking. I stopped asking for it as often and that only helped in that I wasn't getting rejected as often, so my self esteem wasn't taking such a kick in the a$$. I debated not asking at all and even tried it for a time, but all that got me was no sex. Even when I noticed that I wasn't in love with him anymore, I would ask at least once a week. I figured that we needed at least that connection. I felt nothing else...

I started losing weight (40 lbs) started taking better care of myself in general(dressing nicer, styling my hair and wearing makeup & jewelry more often) I got a my nose pierced and changed my haircolor (things he mentioned he liked). Nothing changed his lack of interest.

After he dropped the bomb, we had sex maybe once a month. He mostly slept in his office, but occasionally came to bed with me. Honestly, he's not my type physically. He's not what I've ever been attracted to, but I was in love and I loved being intimate with him. He became what I wanted. I loved that. I would have given anything to be that for him at one time.

Since the D bomb, sex has been a chore for me. I am an active participant don't get me wrong, but it was something I dreaded. I had the EA and we weren't having sex. He found out about it and now he can't keep his hands off me. He wants to kiss me all the time, he gropes me throughout the evenings and wants sex practically every night. Problem is, I can't stand it. the few times we do now, its because I know he needs it. I miss it, but I can't bring myself to enjoy having sex with him.

I don't want to push him away, but sometimes the thought of being intimate makes me feel sick... I can't think of a better way to explain it. I don't know what to do about it. I've ordered 2 or 3 books on ragaining love and finding the love you lost - hopefully some heavy duty reading will give me some ideas

On a similar topic, ever since we watched that movie together, he's been up and down over and over. He's happy, then quiet. He keeps trying to kiss me. Not just a simple kiss like we have been, but trying to make out with me (that sounds like I'm in jr high, but i don't know how else to put it, hehe) Now he's planning dates for this weekend and things for us to do. All this is doing is frustrating me. I'm getting annoyed at his constant advances (a year ago this would have been a blessing) and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I can't seem to tell him what's going on in my head.

Anytime I say anything even semi negative, that hurts his feelings, he gets silent and starts wondering if one of these days I'm just going to come home and tell him its over. He seems so fragile. I feel like I am walking on eggshells with my feelings to protect his if that makes sense. Is there a way to tell him how I'm feeling without breaking him.

the biggest problem is that I've been lying to him. Maybe not directly, but at least by ommission. I make up excuses for not wanting sex. I avoid the question when he asks if I'm just not attracted to him. I know what the result will be and I'm afraid that will push him away. Initially, i did it because I thought I could get it back, just want him again, love him again and he'd never have to know, but I don't see that happening while I'm getting upset with him, so I need to change.

how do i tell my husband that I love him, but i don't at all feel sexual towards him and don't want his advances without pushing him away and making him completely break down... We've gotten close to that, it's not pretty.

and yes... i know this all sounds bad... or to me it does... why can't i just want him again.

Ann.....I have to totally DB you right now...you want him....let it go...what is it that's holding you back? it's the total teetertotter effect. you want him, he doesnt back....he wants you, you dont back....c'mon!......I think you just need to have some experiences together and get out of these opportunities to just make out....go do something with him. If it feels good, kiss back. Go out to dinner, go skiiing, go hiking, go shopping, go have lunch...go do something. He's scared, youre scared. It sounds like you both are very interested....create experiences...have fun together..it will all work out.

Anne,

Back in April, when my W gave me the whole ILYBNILWY thing, I did quite a bit of reading. Something that might help you out is Mort Fertel's book. It's about 12 bucks at Amazon and has a pretty good approach to "making love" again. Not sexually, but reigniting the feelings. He's got a concept -- fake it til you make it. Act like you're in love. Do things because your H likes them. Things like that. It's not terribly original, but it makes a hell of a lot of sense. You seem to really want to love your H again. It also seems that your H needs to meet you a little bit more than it sounds like he's meeting you.

Anyway, I'm whipped, so I'll stop now, but give that book a try. It might help you.

BD

Tostada - Thanks. I do think we are both scared. We do things together, but i don't feel much like kissing and showing affection. It's hard for me. I've never felt like this, where I didn't want him... Strange. I've always been on the other side of that.

Heim - Thanks. I've read a lot of your posts. I appreciate you posting here. You've given a lot of good advice.

I'll order that book. I've been trying to do more for him, just because I know he'll appreciate it. The hardest part is I keep trying and things will be going good and then something will happen and I start questioning why i even care. You're right about him needing to meet me if we want this to work. I'm just hoping that if I do my part now, that he'll eventually get it and join my efforts. Now i just have to figure out exactly what my part is! Thanks

Thanks ann