Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

You don't have to answer my question.
I just got caught up.

Your DUI issues are reminiscent of my marriage.
My husband had 1 DUI before we met and two in the early years of our marriage. I can relate to your wife's feelings regarding that. It is juvenile and she was working her ass off to better herself. Here's the kicker, though. There may very well come a day that she realizes she should have been helping to alleviate the stresses that led you to drinking. I know that's what happened to me. But by that time, I had a MLC and wrecked my entire family structure. This is me 2 years post MLC and 2 years into rebuilding my relationship with my husband.

Leave your wife be.
She is emotional, confused, scared, cocky, arrogant and self-important. Yep. It's possible to be all that and still loveable.

I'm gonna check back in on your sitch occasionally if you don't mind.

Hang in there and stay the course.
It is not too late.
But you'd better grab yourself a seat.
This is one hell of a long haul.



AmyC

Jab,

If you can back out of the apartment, do so now. If she wants out, make her leave. This will not be easy, but I would hold my ground. Even if dates are picking her up at your house, don't leave. I got my house, she has an apartment. Stop chasing now, NOW! Do not give her the satisfaction of winning. She is upset right now, and she will hurt you. This isn't going to change over a week or so, she is going to have to go down this road by herself, while you cry at home alone. But whatever you do, don't text, call, write, make CD's, etc... Leave her be, let her explore the A and the world if it is happening. Don't snoop. It will only hurt you and not your M.

Also this is major, and is important you do this. Why? Because I can see a lot of you in me. Prior to making any decision and following through, give yourself 48 hours. Come here and post what your thinking of doing, and we will set you straight. Right now your not helping your sitch, sorry I'm not trying to be harsh, but I think you can do this and do it well.

Amy,
What you are saying about how my wife should have alleviated the stresses that led me to drinking is EXACTLY the OPPOSITE of what she has been doing. I agree 100% and I'm not passing the blame, it's just a fact that she won't come to terms with. I honestly don't believe that the drinking was the CAUSE, it was a SYMPTOM of all the things that were wrong in my life and it CAUSED MORE problems. I believe that it's an easy excuse for W and that it's an easy thing to blame all her unhappiness on. That's my 2 cents and it's NOT denial.


Well,

Doing some more digging (call it snooping if you want) because I HAD to know. I found the person's name that my W called when she said she was going over to 'friends' place. It's a guy. I got his name, his address and his age (as well as his phone number). Started looking up how to find out his employer because I was wondering about whether this was W's friend's boyfriend like she had mentioned in conversation (I believe he was supposed to be a firefighter). Well, I was looking at W's work schedule on counter and guess what I found? THE GUY'S NAME ON IT!! He's an RN, too. Same age as W (friend is 15 years younger) and works with my W! It's not paranoid, insecure delusions. I pretty much have it nailed! She's hiding an A! So now what do I do? I'm pretty much 100% sure now.

Somehow, I am guessing that your W already knows most of those items on your list. It sounds too whiny to be begging. Show her you are strong by giving her space. You really should not send that as it is pursuing. Believe me, I was doing these similar letters and now realize to just "let go" and let her come to her own awakening. My W has acknowleged that what she is doing is so unfair to me, and now that I have backed off with the R talks and letters, she is thanking me all the time for things I normally do for the family. I have a long way to go and I dont know how it will come out, but I know she is going to give this time.

Your W has not filed for D. She must not have done it because inside her head, she has doubts. Let her work her thoughts out on her own and hopefully she will see what is right. If you continue to beg and plead, it will only make her more stubborn. Right now, you have time on your side. Get out of the panic mode you are in. You have planted the seeds of your desires already in her head. Let her have a chance to make them grow on her own. Just work on yourself and be the best father you can be to your kids.

It is too bad that you are the one to move out. I made my stand this last week and told my W that she cannot live under the same roof as me while she is dating other men. I had the thought briefly for myself to move out, but dropped that right away as I bought our house 6 years before I ever met my W. I feel good to have been assertive and I know that it is much better for my W to be out away from the kids so as to think this out better. She will hopefully have a desire to return to the good family life.

I will repeat a couple of things that I keep printed by my bed:

My marriage is over.
I dont need my marriage.
But I want my marriage.
My wife is gone.
I dont need my wife.
But I want my wife.

LETTING GO...

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring.
It means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off.
It's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable,
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another.
It's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for,
but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective.
It's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny,
but to accept.

To "let go" is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is to not regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less and LOVE MYSELF MORE.

Jab,

Stop snooping. It just hurts you, you have confirmed maybe. However the truth always comes out. Prepare yourself for the worst and hope for the best.

Alright, here it is. So you have an "A" thought, you see a cell number and assume the worst. Then you react with a "B" behavior. Oh ya, well screw you W. That leads to a "C" conclusion that you don't want. Next time you have an "A" thought, lets jump to "D". D is, you don't really know, I never walked in my W. I now know from her confession that it did happen. However, what does ABC get you, but upset and reactive. Tone down, take it slow, let her explore her problem and just keep DB'ing.

Thanks everyone,

For the most part I'm moving in a positive direction with myself but I can see by my posts that I sound otherwise. I post alot of the negative stuff because I don't really have anywhere else to vent and I'm 'journaling' to collect my thoughts.

I was beginning to 'let go' today.

I don't want to move out but I was basically forced to do it. My IHD and lack of driver's license and car would jeapordize my job if I was stuck in the house without transportation. I live in a fairly remote location in the Rockies. It wasn't my original intention at all but felt forced due to W's timing of everything.

I'm not really snooping. I had the tel# and address# on Sat (which I do admit was from snooping). I called the # on SAT and got the guys first name from answering machine that didn't match the contact name in her contact list on her cell. Was doing "reverse phone # address lookups" on internet tonight and found the full name, age and confirmed that address matched (damn internet). I was looking at her schedule because she just recieved it from work and was looking it over because she mentioned her schedule over the holidays was a little erratic. That's when I saw the name match and it all clicked. I won't confront her about it but as far as I'm concerned it's a confirmed A...maybe not a PA but I'm just validating my suspicions. I needed to know.

If your W is having an A, your bringing it up is going to push her away further. Especially, if she is at the "we are just friends" stage.

It would be best for it to be exposed by an accident or a 3rd party. I read that once an A has been exposed that some of the luster of the excitment will be worn off. Also, the average A only lasts 6 months.

You are going to have some really depressing thoughts ahead. You will be imagining all kinds of things your W might be doing. Try to get a STOP sign in your mind whenever you think these thoughts. Try to think that the lady you feel in love with and made vows together with has been taken hostage inside herself. Somewhere in her mind, she knows what she is doing is wrong.

Read the DR chapter on infidelity.

I feel for your situation and I am sure you probably wish this was a bad dream you are going to wake up from. It would be kinda nice to have a remote control to fast forward through this part of your life like in that movie "Click".

No, it is not denial and I agree with the rest of your statement, as well.
You have to deal with the drinking issue though, because it IS a problem.
You can't force her to see her part in it so don't even try to. It has to come to her naturally or never at all.

Don't snoop and don't call that phone number again.
That man is also a symptom of the deeper issues, not the cause. He is irrelevent in the big picture.

Buy "Divorce Remedy" as soon as you can and read it.

Work on yourself because you are the only person that you can change.

Amy,

I have been dealing with the drinking issue since April. I haven't had a drop for nearly two months now, very little in 4 months. That is one thing that caused huge arguments when the D-bomb hit. She is completely blind to the fact that I have been making HUGE progress in regards to my drinking and keeps blaming her unhappiness on that.

IMHO the drinking did play a role but the main issues with W is something deeper. It's her self-esteem problems (as well as mine). I wasn't there to help her build a better self-esteem over the past few years. She was forced to do it herself and look elsewhere for compliments and praise. As a result, she didn't think I loved or cared, some guy starts giving her compliments, an EA starts, etc. That's her role. She expected me to replace her lack of self-esteem. I couldn't/didn't do it because of my own problems. This is why I want to go to MC. She wanted MC just a few months ago but we couldn't financially or logistically. That's another thing that makes me think something happened that changed things in the last few months (EA at W's new job). Not saying it was right, but it's what I think. I want to make things better and wanted to for a long time.

I'll do my best not to bring up that other guy. I won't confront her but I may try to see if I can somehow bring it out indirectly. I keep thinking of what happened to Atlas and how the whole A theory may not be what it seems. I DON'T want to spend the last few days in our house with W so bitter, angry, stressed that that's her last thought of me when we are going to be apart for awhile. At least she is having conversations with me again. R was a hell of a lot worse a week ago. I know if I bring up that I know she's 'cheating', it will most certainly be ugly. It's going to be hard not to let her know that I know she's keeping secrets. Anyhow, refecting 24-48 hours before I say anything is a good idea.

I've also been reviewing things in my mind this morning and there is almost no possible way that this 'A' has been going on more than 1 or 2 'secret' dates over a few months, most likely not any sex yet, probably just workplace flirtation, maybe some hugging, kissing in private at most, etc.. At least now I know the primary reason that she never took up my offer of taking her out with her friends at new job....

This is a long term goal of mine. I want to get to know all her new friends, I've haven't even met most of them. I don't want her to 'be embarrased of me' or feel like she is 'ashamed of me'. I want her to be 'proud' to call me her H.

Get Divorce Remedy ASAP, read resources on this site, such as the ones at the top of the MLC forum. I will send some old timers over to visit you. You need to slow down, listen and stay away from the possible om, that includes talking about him. AT ALL.

Please don't do anything or say anything until you hear from some others...unless you want to jack everything up, that is!




Amy