Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I do this....

They are in the anger stage the first months, as braveH said, you will be blamed for everything, so prepare yourself for that.

She should'nt be harrasing you at work, the CS should be a set amount and that's it, she has no reason to ask you about your paycheck.
Don't fall prey to her demands, do stand up for yourself, yea, she'll be angry, but what kind of M would you have with that kind of attitude (hers)

No, she has not thought this out at all, keep that in mind when you listen to her rantings. Don't despair, stay strong.

So I just got back from my IC and it was a mess. He was basically telling me that this effort is hopeless and that some of the signs that I have seen from DW have been just confusion in her head.

So I said, why would she bring up that I can not live too close to her because she does not want this relationship to turn into a booty call.

Why does she occassionally let me see her naked etc....

Anyway, he didn't really give me any answer other than the what I already knew which is to fix me first and move on.

But, I have never been at this point where I have loved her so much and realize what it really feels like to love her. I feel myself having more love for my kids and my job and everything. Now that the blinders are off and I can admit that I have to address my own issues the fear and pain have diminished.

So do I follow my IC direction and let go and give up (really what was said) or do I press on. I really respect this guy, and he has really made an impact in my life but c'mon.

I can describe the pain that this is causing me, yet at the same time the relief that I am finally exposed.

I need to really pray on this one....

10/24 - Wow this is pretty fresh.

I would start doing last resort ASAP. It is working for me.

Give her a lot of space, she may see the good in you and recognize that you are willing to make real change.

It's tough, but you can do it.

You can fix yourself without 'moving on'.
You can let go without 'giving up'.

What the IC telling you it was hopeless, or was that what you were hearing? Think carefully about that.

When you get down to it, you need to do the same things no matter what outcome you are after, or expect, or hope for. If you think of it that way, it might help you to get through things, you are just doing what needs to be done in any case.

Jeff

Hopeless was the exact word from the IC. He basically said that she and I are both f'd in the head and that there is no way that he would think that we could coexist.

However, I am committed to doing everything that I can to make this work for our family!

Make it work for you. That's what you can control. After that, see what happens. My point is that your course of action is pretty much the same whether you agree with the 'hopeless' bit, or not.

Update...thought would be appreciated:

I caved on Sunday, AGAIN and I am so p'd at myself. I went over to the house after church with the kids because W wanted to do some yard work and asked for my help. When I got there she was really stressed out and asked me if she would be able to sleep a little. Well when it was time to wake her I went up to the bedroom and began rubbing her head to wake her, which is something that she has always loved. As she was awking she started to rub my back etc. Did not look too much into it but it was a nice feeling.

Well we continued through our day and got a lot done with no fighting, and very little talk about R/D anything. Come dinner time I asked her what she and hte kids were going to do and she said that she had no plans, I asked if they would like to goto the golf club and have dinner with me. She said that would be nice. As we were driving down my boss called, VERY unusual for a Sunday. He proceeded to ask me if I would be willing to step into an urgent project for the company and that I needed to let him know immediately. I told him that I was out to dinner with my family for the first time in 6 weeks and I needed to call him back. Within a few moments my VP called and basically asked the same thing, in the background my wife made an off-handed comment that they don't pay me enough money for all of this...which the VP caught.

Well he was very upset and told me to call him Monday to discuss further. After a butt chewing I dropped S4 off at the house for his day. Went up to speak briefly with W that one of my trips for this week has been cancelled so if she needed me for anything with the boys I would be available well she asked why and I said that I was in a bit of trouble. Well that set her off.

She was really angry telling me that I can not continue to bring drama into her life and that I needed to get away. Well, my S7 had his pullup leak in her bed and during this she saw it and went over the edge throwing things all about the room, yelling at S, hitting me in the back, and taking a cup of apple juice and pouring it all over the floor.

I went downstairs to comfort sons she followed me down and again yelled and screamed and told me that I was no longer welcome at the house and that I could wait on the proce anytime I was over to see boys. I left without further incident.

About 45 minutes later she called to tell me she was sorry but not about what she said about my job. She continued for a few moments to make me feel guilty etc and then the call ended. There were a few further calls from her during the day for various items including asking me to pick up some new contacts for her on my way home from work.

I called before I got home and asked if she would like me to take the boys for the night so she could have some time, she agreed. However when I arrived only the little one wanted to go with me. I gave her the contacts and we had some idle chit chat while waiting for S4 to get his things together. I mentioned to her that I would like to have the Parenting Plan back soon if she could do that. She again got mad and told me that we don't need a parenting plan and that nothing will change with the kids.

Sure nothing at all will change with the kids other than destroying their world...

Then she asked me if I would call her in the am to wake her because she knows that I goto my mens group on Tuesday am, which of course I said yes to.

Later in the evening S4 wanted to call mommy and say goodnight so we gave her a call. After some little boy games I spoke with her for a what I thought was going to be a moment, turned into about an hour.

She told me how lonely she was and that she feels really stupid like a little girl because she is so wrapped up in OM. She told me that she can't be alone and that is the hardest part of all of this and she is afraid that he is going to hurt her. Well of course he is going to hurt you he lives 1000 miles away with his own D drama and child. He doesn't know anything about her, but is willing to accept her baggage. I have asked several times how that will work with my potential transfer which she wants, will he move to that city to be near you? No I don't think so. Do you want to move to his to be near him? No.

Well, I tried to explain to her that this was not a convo that I felt comfortable with, but she kept saying that I am her friend and she needs my advice. I finally told her what I thought that this whole mess is a fantasy for her. She wants a D but whenever there is a reality of a D she gets angry. She wants the financial benefits of the M, but she won't do anything to prepare her self for the D. She wants the butterflies that she gets with him, but she doesn't understand that those feelings are clouded in fantasy.

The reality of our situation is that we have a family and that we are making choices that could harm it forever. She claims that it is up to us how the kids will respond and I disagree. I feel that we need to do anything we can for them, she feels that she needs to be her own person and that she can not be tied down by a relationship yet she is googoo over this OM. I remember when I cheated on her the same feelings, but I also remember that reality hit me in the nose at one point and I realized what I was giving up if I continued the R.

So, she told me that she wanted to invite me over to the house last night to have dinner and watch TV because she was lonely and misses those times but she didn't because she does not want to give me the wrong impression. She told me how lonely it was at night when she went to sleep because she wants to be with someone. I said that she is making that choice to which she continued with I don't want to be with you.

Well we finally said good bye, dispite the content of the call it was really nice to have that kind of convo with her.

This am I called to wake her which she appreciated. Then when I dropped S4 off at the house it was back to the bitter person that I have come to resent. She was nagging S7 endlessly for his morning and I could see him hurting as his mom attacked him. I stopped the words and asked him if he knew what he had done which was disrespectful to mommy to which he said he did. I asked him to apologize to his mom which he did. I then asked her to apologize to him for handling the situation. She said that she had nothing to apologize for and that I had taught the boys how to treat her and they need to change. I told her that I would work very hard on my boys in teaching them how we should treat women, but it is not an overnight transformation.

That was it. I left at that point to goto work and off to my trips to end the week.

One question that I have, my DB Coach has suggested that he have an opportunity to speak with W. She has been totally against any kind of counseling AT ALL. She will not do retouvaille, she will not do MC, she will not do anything but D mediation. I have stopped asking, but I can see that she is hurting and this decision is tearing her apart. It is impacting everything that she does.

I on the other hand have accepted that I need as much help as I can get to change my life with IC, DB, DB coach, men's group, church, etc. I really feel like my life has turned a corner and I can feel the changes in my personality. I can see it in the way that people have responded to me of late that something is different. So should I suggest a convo with my DB coach?

One other thing, I have a huge interview tomorrow that would change the landscape of my life if I am offered the job it is really stressing me out to try to decide what to do, any suggestions as to whom I can share my angst with other than W?

I want so badly for us to work this out, but I realize that I can not change her, I feel great with some of the changes that I have made but I am still so sad that my perfect family is in turmoil.... I pray that the Lord will soften her heart and allow our family to come from this pain and angst. Please pray with me that she will see herself out of this relationship with OM and hopefully try to R with the boys and I

Does anybody know anything about Retrouvaille? I know that my WAW does not want anything right now, but I have had some sessions with a couple that have attended and their story is very similar to ours. They told me that they had been sep for 6 weeks before their weekend and an additional 7 months after but they were able to piece it back together.

Anyhoo, if anyone could provide some insight I would appreciate.

And so the confusion continues...

Yesterday, I did my best to avoid contact with W for the day after the events of the last couple of days. I am very busy at work and thought that it would be a great diversion to my life to focus on some upcomming projects and trips that I have.

One of the issues through our marriage has been my schedule and my commitment to my role. So yesterday at about 5 she called and told me that she was very sick and in a sweet little voice asked if I would come and take care of her and help with the boys. Of course I would! I told her yes, that I would leave work immediately which I know surprised her because at no point in our marriage had I ever done so.

As I am driving home, I called her to confirm what she and the boys needed and made a list (another new thing for me!). During the conversation we talked briefly about Turkey day and how that would work out. She continued to impress upon me that this is over and that she wants nothing more than to move on, but that she wants to make sure that our kids have a good holiday. I made mention that I would really like to cook with her so that when I am on my own I can make a turkey. She was surprised and said that I have never wanted to help before, and I said that maybe we need to start a tradition.

After that she asked me when I first knew that I loved her. I told her that there have been 2 times in our R once 8 years ago and then again a few weeks ago after this all started. I explained the difference of the two events and she sounded very pleased. She then told me when it was that she fell in love with me. Interesting b/c she has been saying all this time that there was never any love and that this had all been a ruse. But it felt so good to hear it again.

We had some more small talk about whatever and I let her go so I could manage traffic, and my excitement. I spent some time on the drive really setting myself up for the night, no expectations etc. I got to the grocery and got the items she wanted and then went next door to the deli for the soup etc. Hurried home....

Got home and she was on the couch boys were up stairs. I prepared her dinner complete with her favorite sandwhich from the deli which I am not sure she knew that I knew that she loved. Anyway, she did not say anything to me. But she seemed calm, for once it was a night with no grief in the house at all. I fed the boys, cleaned the kitchen, and helped S7 with his homework. When I was done, I made some brownies for everyone.

I had decided that once the brownies were done that I would go back to where I am staying and get ready for my trip today. As I was preparing to leave she asked if I would like to stay and watch a movie with her. I agreed. Sat on the couch with her for the movie and from time to time she would ask if I would rub her feet for her. Then it would get too comfortable and she would ask me to stop or tell me that I need to stop trying to find reasons to touch her, which I know that she is correct about but I am having difficulty finding the strength to stop that.

Once the movie was over I put the dog away, cleaned up the rest of the dishes and while I was leaving the kitchen she gave me a hug and told me that she loved me. I hugged her back and said the same and went to kiss boys. As I was getting ready to leave, I stopped by the bedroom to say goodbye, she asked me about the parenting plan that I had sent yesterday and we talked a little about it. I asked again if she would like to goto a marriage encounter or C? No she said, I do not want to be with you. "Maybe I gave you the wrong idea tonight."

Well I said she hadn't and that any ideas are coming from me. She smiled. I went to leave and she told me again that she loved me but that she just wanted to be friends and that we could be perfect together as friends. She even went so far as to tell me that next year when we are back home she expects that I will have a SO and that she will invite me and my parents and my SO over for holiday because she is a such a great cook and that would be so good for boys. I did not comment on that crazy idea.

Anyhoo....I had a great night sleep last night thinking about my trip today and my night last night. On my way to the airport, I called to see how she was feeling, we talked about what she had to do over the next couple of days and I offered to cut one of my trips short if she was still sick on Friday.

At the end of the call, she again told me how proud she was of me and that she loved me. This time before I had said anything to her....


So is this progress? Is this crazy? How can she change on a dime after telling me the other night that she was falling for Om and that she couldn't give herself to two people. Now she is saying she loves me. I am afraid that this is just softening the blow.

I am still no where near being back in the house, nor do I think that I have made enough progress on my own issues to be back with my family. But, this is very confusing. Have any of you had this kind of overnight turnaround?

Oh, one thing that she said last night that caught me off-guard:
I explained to her that I will continue to do everything that I can to fix myself and that my goal is that we move back home as a family in a few months. She said that it is no longer about what I have done? What the heck? She has turned her own 180 in that this seperation and possible D is no longer about the lies and cheating and stuff that I did? What is it about then?

Thoughts?

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