Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Why can't I do this....

Dom,

Thanks for not jumping on me. After a meltdown yesterday over all of the MC stuff, I think that you may be correct on a number of issues. My DB coach thinks that I need to go get an apartment to show her that there are some consequences to this decision. However, I am not sure yet.

One thing that I can hang my hat on is that she agreed and scheduled an additional MC session. So even though her verbal cues are that she is done and there is nothing that can change that she is willing to go again, even if she is thinking that it is to facilitate the D. And by the reading of the book and the exercises that have been suggested I am hoping that we can shift this inbalance.

So one more day of getting myself better.

Errr.. WHAT?

your db coach sounds a bit.. off.

your wife wants you out, because of bad things you have done to her/treated her poorly. yes?

That sounds like an attitude of, "well, I may be bad, but see if you can get along without me, nyah nyah!"

That does *not* sound like a good approach to me, in your situation?!

maybe he doesnt understand your situation fully.




I think that is good news.. i hope that it goes better for you.

Well let's hope so. Today she told me that she thinks that I lied again about a financial situation, I don't feel that I did but she thinks it is the same behavior as years past. Anyhow, after some conversation (her yelling) she did say to me that she knows my heart is in the right place but that I sometimes make questionable decisions....

UGH!

"ugh"?

sounds more like an occasion for "hurray" to me!

Wow.. i would love to hear something like that from my wife more often. (i actually kinda did, recently. I guess the best case, would be if she recognized it up front, rather than after much yelling and accusing me of bad motives. Sounds like we're in a similar position in that respect )


The only way you could make that even better than it already is, would be to first, apologise for making the financial situation muddy... and then try to talk with her to understand how you could communicate better in the future, to not make her feel like you are lying about that stuff.

10/4 buddy. We have already had that conversation and she had said to me that she knows that I have good intentions but that I need to be very clear in all communication rather than cloudy (her words not mine) and that being up front will save the back end grief.

I agreed, of course, and shut my trap.

Also got a call from her girlfriend today who asked how I was doing. She asked me if I was confused, which I said yes and she said that she was too. She thinks that W not following words with similar actions. i.e. she is still preaching D but then her actions towards me are not in line. She told me she is not sure if we will be ok from this or not, but that she wanted to tell me that W is telling her that she has seen massive changes in me in the last 6 weeks.

So I guess I had to have the affirmation in a round about way, but I got it nonetheless.....

*applause*





you are a very lucky man.
you may not get it in the future. So, try to hold onto that memory, that even when it doesnt neccessarily LOOK like you are having a positive effect on your wife... you may be.

(ie: dont give up, just because you "dont see any change".
just keep doing good things. 'cause that's what a husband should do anyway.)

I like your thought on your posting about how you are always willing to work on and improve your M. I never really thought about how enjoyable that could be until I was in the crap.

I hope my friend that we both have the opportunity to work on our marriages for years to come. Maybe Mrs. Dom will fall from the foggy heights to understand the reality of the world. Just as I hope that Mrs. Hound will realize that this fantasy that she has in her head is better suited for Hollywood than for Orlando.

Hound - What's happening? We have not heard from you in awhile.

Are you ok?

Fishman.....

Well, another weekend of part-time husband. I tried to move back in but that was not in the cards, currently I value my physical health more than anything.

Anyway, I will try to journal my weekend and await your responses.

Friday, I came home from work and W was going to a little ladies night christmas thing. I was invited to play board games with some of the neighbors, I told W about it if she wanted to come by after the party she could. She sounded "interested" as game playing has been a very successful activity for us of the years.

Well, when I was home for a few minutes to pick up the kids, I had to pull a number from the phone and found OM's number on it. I know that this should nto bother me and what's the difference if he is calling on her cell vs the home phone. However, for some reason it torqued me off. Well, I went with kids to play games and had a great time. It was really fun to be with some other adults, although I did catch a few 5th wheel jokes but it was all good.

Well W called to let me know she was coming home and I told her that the boys and I were already leaving to get them to bed for their big day at Disney Saturday. She really sounded sad that she was going to miss the end of game night. Oh Well!

When I got home she could tell I was irritated and I told her that this guy calling my house was a huge slap in the face. I am not sure why this is any different but I was just not happy about it. I told her that while I do not approve of the relationship with OM, I am fine with her wanting to have these conversations but he is not to call my house again!

Well, that actually went over pretty good. BUT - she told me that she had a convo with her friend on the way home from the party and her friend had told her that she needs to be consistent with her behavior and stop leading me on. So W told me that I could not stay that night and that we needed to behave differently. So I went back to where I am staying.

Got up early to pick up family for the Disney event. When I got there no one was up. W came out of the bedroom and said that her alarm did not go off. I said I had the same problem, next thing I know she flys into a rage and slams the door. I go in and ask what was wrong, and she is all pissy thinking that I had said "That's not my problem". Maybe I would have said something like that in the past but not now. Anyway, go kids up and began 13 hour trip to Disney.

The day was great, there were a few moments that were not comfortable with W. But all in all we had fun. At one point in the evening she and I walked over to the castle to see the lights and I felt a rush of love in my heart that I had missed for a long time, seeing her backlit by the castle and the lights just took me over.

Well, we finished off our day and went home with boys. Got back to the house and she said I should stay because it was so late. So I climbed into bed and cuddled. I had to get up early Sunday for a business trip to Atl. Well, got up said good byes etc. Got to airport when after some convo with my boss realized the trip was cancelled but I did not get the message th eprevious day.

Went home with breakfast and got back into bed. Well, she and I spent the next few hours reading the paper and basically being normal. There was even some sex.... damn I wish I could say no to her! But it was nice. Again after we were done she told me that we have to stop doing this.

We spent the day together cleaning the house, laundry etc. I later went to the store to get some stuff for dinner and we made a great dinner together. Another weekend with nary a fight or ill word between us. I could sense that she was trying to get a little closer as there was some kissing and hand holding this weekend too. But there were also some of the same convos: can't be with you, you have hurt me, this change will nto last forever. Yada Yada.

Well, last night I feel asleep while watching Project Runway. When she finally woke me she told me that I should go back to where I am staying. She said that she feel guilty since I pay for the house but there is no way we can have a relationship and that I need to go back to T's house.

I got up and left without incident.

This morning I had to be in court early so I left where I am staying at 7:00. She called like clock work at 7:40 asking if I could take S7 to school. Told her I couldn't she asked if I could still mail some packages for her. I explained that I did not take them today and she started with some of the grief. But I explained that I could do it tomorrow. She seemed fine with it. She asked me to call her after court.

Called her a bit ago and she asked again if I could take her packages for her. I said that I am not sure if I will see her before tomorrow. But if I do I will.

She said ok and that she is going to miss me today and asked if I would call her later.

The saga of the part-time husband continues. BUT ---> tomorrow in men's group we start the series that I have been waiting for for 7 weeks. Healing the love wounds.

So I am not sure if I should call her or not. But, I feel really good today no panic feelings and not feeling dreadful.

Clue-by-four coming...

How is it, that you somehow think you can control your wife, and make these kinds of demands about "your house".... yet you are too whipped to stay in "your house"?

Why would your wife want to ever be in a "stable, long term" relationship, with a man who is neither stable, nor long term?

You have abdicated all rights over that house that you may have had. It isnt "your house" any more. You have given it up to your wife. So, making that demand of your wife, had no possibility of good, and did considerable damage on top of it.