Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

Sandi2 Dear Lou, if you know any more articles ....

I don’t have a reserve or list of good articles beyond a few things I like and post, from time to time.

The last two were just something that other people on other forums found to be helpful.

I thought they might be relevant, but wasn’t sure but decided it was up to the reader to decide.

Dom was saying sex and desire is important to most men. My W and other women I hear talking chitchat about the guy/H just wanting to get off and sounding like any woman will do. They talk like prostitute sex is about as good as emotionally connected sex. I have heard it till I am almost sick.

I think some of the articles miss the fact that often times the need for sexual connection IS because the guys (mine) sex drive is high and not always about emotional connection, the ”he is just getting off” talk I have heard sounds spiteful. I know some of the women feel used, but for me/other H's it is more than getting off.

Some other things I listen to are found here: http://www.podcastblaster.com/directory/podcast-2370.html

If you have an MP3 player/iPod like I have, down-load the files and listen to them using a walkman-type of headphones.

MP3 player reviews, under $100
http://www.pcmag.com/products/0%2C%2Ctqs...100&stpdinglp=1

Also Google “David Schnarch” podcast.

Lou

Sandi2 However, I may not have any problems soon about any sexual desire for anyone,

Is that an excuse not to pay some (special to him) attention to your H?????

I try to put myself in your and his place. I was thinking if BB and I were in your shoes and she said "Lou go take a shower, put on XYZ clothes while I make a pot of coffee ( or favorite what ever) and then hold my hand while we watch "The Wizard of OZ" ( or what ever you guys like) that might be a warming time.

One forum that deals with EA/PA advises to touch base with the spouse when the errant spouse who post is tempted to contact the OM/OW.

I don’t know a lot about OW/OM R’s but I do know about relying on forum friends and the bonds or connection I have felt or the advice I sought from cyber friends. I will say I had a partial addiction to reading and posting. I do/did get caught up in other’s R mostly because I wanted their R to work for them. I felt bad when their R was going down hill or they were hurting.

In some ways, some or many people rely on cyber R’s for many reasons. Maybe the reasons for you feeling a need to contact the OM are similar. Just wondering Sandi?

Lou

Thanks Lou...as always, I appreciate what you have to say. I have missed not talking to you as much lately. I think what I say is pretty much of the same thing over and over, so it probably gets boring to people....I know it would me...lol.

What you said about using the AD meds and not any sexual drive as an excuse to pay any special attention to my H.....you are right of course, I should not use it for an excuse. It was my poor humor in trying to say that I would not be tempted to contact OM if I didn't have any sexual desire.

The thing that I want to return and to feel normal and not fake is to "want" to do special things for my H. He has had to put up with a lot this past year b/c I have not tried very hard. Oh, things got better after I decided to not leave and to lose OM, but I have slipped away and just don't want to do anything. Last night he was on the computer and as soon as he got off and come in the front room where the TV was, I got up to go get on the computer. This haapens all the time. He asked me where I was going and told me that he had come in there to be with me. Now, I knew he wasn't going to "talk" to me, but I remember what one of you guys said about H's being in the house with their W's is "spending time with them" as they see it. So, I went and sat there for about two minutes and it was all I could stand. I got up and went to the computer. I just could not stand to sit there and watch some boring TV program. I know that is awful and I'm ashamed that I'm that way....and I don't want to be. That's what I'm saying....I don't want to be that way. What is wrong with me and why don't I want to be alone with him and spend time watching TV with him no matter what program is on? I know it had to have hurt him b/c this past two or three days he seems like he has been trying to be nicer to me and I just don't respond.

I feel so confused about what to do with the AD meds. I'm going to give it one more month and if I'm not feeling better....well I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm on the right thing. I don't have panic attacks or anything like that, I'm just so sad and don't want to do anything at all. That is one reason I can't seem to "make" myself do special things for my H like you were talking about. I use to Lou.......and I loved doing it then and I want to feel like doing it again. I hate this feeling. It is awful. When a person is so depressed, they can't joke around and have fun with people or be jolly at Christmastime. I don't want to be like that for my family. I just want to feel like my old self again and have my feeling return for my H.

Sandi, I just wanted to say that I know at least two people in my immediate circle who feel *exactly* the same way as your husband seems to. It is *very* meaningful to them if their mate is just spending time in their presence (same room) whether or not they are talking or touching. I *personally* cannot relate to this very well, but have come to understand that it is very true for a certain type of person. So your husband is not unique in this area. Are there some books you've been meaning to get to that you could read while he's watching tv? Or letter writing, hobbies, etc? You shouldn't have to sit there like a bump on a log, but if you could stretch yourself a bit to find ways to just be peaceful in his presence, it might really pay dividends in terms of your emotional relationship.

Hi, thanks for your interest in my stitch. My mother and I talked about this b/c it seems my dad was the same way. He did not want her to read or sew or anything but watch tv with him....lol. I don't know that my H minds if I read, but I have a hard time doing that with the tv going. Tonight, I did find a movie that I got interested in and I'll kiss your foot if he didn't get up and go to the computer! So, go figure.

Ann.. your "feeling sick afterwards" says to me, that it is NOT just that you are "LD", but that there is something more to it.

Please see a professional, to try to sort out what it is.

Sandi... it sounds to me like you are in full-on WAW mode.

you're "depressed", because you hate your marriage, and you know it wont get any better if you do nothing about it... yet you are choosing to do nothing about it... so you know it wont get any better.
Hence, depression.




Taking all the AD meds in the world, wont make you feel better about this.






I think that you're past the point of "I need to feel it before I do it".
That feeling is not going to spontaneously come back.
If you stick to "i need to feel it first", you are choosing to sink your marriage.




Sandi.. you say that.. but you're not DOING anything about it.

You have the power to change your relationship with your husband.. but you are choosing to do nothing about it.
No, scratch that.. you are choosing to make it worse, ever so slightly, day by day. (by doing things like walking away from your husband, when he attempts to make things better)

If you keep down this path, you will eventually make yourself so miserable that you either contact OM, or find a new one, or move out.


Please stop this right now, Sandi, and decide you are going to do something positive about your marriage again.
You KNOW that your husband wants to help your marriage. He may not be very good at it, but his actions show that he at least wants to help.
That is the most important asset you could hope for.

Sandi,

Please get and read 'Learned Optimism' and 'Authentic Happiness' by Martin Seligman. Read them as you sit next to your H whilst he watches the television. They are great at teaching yourself how to change your mind set. You do need to try and act on them though - not just read them and let it go in one ear and out the other.

My H is just the same in that he sees spending time together watching the tv as quality time together - I think it stinks and is a complete waste of time.

I think you would be much better getting some Cognitive Behavioural Therapy rather than takink AD's. You need to understand why you feel like you do and get to the point where you discover what you can do about it. You also need to be able to percieve how your H views your actions.

Like you I have considered being a WAW. I have never become involved with anyone else and I love my H, but at times I do have trouble stomaching his behaviour.

Saffie

My H is just the same in that he sees spending time together watching the tv as quality time together - I think it stinks and is a complete waste of time

Saffie, I understand that you think that is a waste of time.

what would be an example of good quality time together?

Anything that involved interaction. Even doing a jigsaw together would be better. Going for a walk. Sitting talking about world affairs - just about anything rather than sitting in front of a tv. Talking about our hopes and dreams for the future; planning things we could do together; trying to find mutual interests; going out and socialising with others.

There is a myriad of things one can do together rather than just sit and watch the tv. For a start just being a couch potato is not a very healthy occupation and is very self limiting.

What do you suggest blackfoot?Do you think if a marriage is sex starved sitting watching the tv is much of a solution?

Saffie