Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? What a good year this has been.....

Wow,

It sure sounds nasty there! Every year I find myself liking winter less and less. Maybe it's because of where I live because I never thought I'd say that!

So how's your week going so far? I mean with your PMA. You are sounding better and seem to be taking life more as it comes. I'm impressed. It seem as if it took me forever to get to that point.

I'm so excited for you. You have a whole new life awaiting you. Oh and you're so right in saying, "must be meant to be." Now apply that to everything you're going and have been through. You were meant to soar........

This is some crazy ride, isn't it???

Love you Sweetie,
Bethie

Just dropping by to make sure that you didn't float away. You ok?

Did you see your Lawyer?

OK, let me us know. I'm a worrier!

Bethie,

Thank you so much!

I'm safe where I'm at. My Mom is staying with me. Poor thing. She was nervous for my Dad when I dropped her at work this morning. I think he is in the clear as far as the flooding goes now. All we can do is hope and pray. So many families have lost everything. It's so sad. The devastation. This morning was tense, as the water was coming up rapidly and Dad thought he may be in trouble if the river didn't reach it's crest very soon. We're hoping it has. The water is up to the house and he's surrounded by it, but that is okay.

The reports are saying the level should slowly come down from here. I hope they are right. Last night's report had said the crest would happen late today at this location that is well upriver from him, when it actually crested there at midnight last night. So, hopefully it just came quicker and there's not worse to come. But the cows don't have any more clean water, and without power the well doesn't work.

I saw my L today. That went well. I see him again on Friday to do a final review and sign all the documents. I accidentally answered a phone call from my H this afternoon. I was actually working on this post before that. That has not treated me so well. I am trying not to be too hard on myself. I did manage to end things in a way I could walk away feeling good about myself, so that's something. I'm so frustrated that I let him get to me like I did though!!! When I hung up with him the last time we spoke, I threw my cell phone against the wall. Not smart, as it's my only phone and it's destroyed now. I'm feeling pretty stupid and low. The things he was saying to and about me I needed to ignore. I must pull it together so I can go pick up my Mom.

It's looking like my H had gotten himself in a really bad place financially. I have the impression someone was after him, and he eluded to there being good reason he had acted so desperate. Who knows what the story is/was but I don't regret choosing not to sign that quit claim. But this could all be really bad for me. He mentioned bankruptcy and not being able to pay our mortgage. We'll see. He seemed interested in working something out together. He probably has a L of his own who is suggesting he do this, because he hasn't been so motivated before to work as anything that resembles a team.

Well, I'm off for now. Hope I will be back to a more positive f21 before I know it. Hope you're all well. Thanks again, Bethie. (((((Bethie)))))

Hi F21,
Good to hear you and your parents in the clear from the flooding.

Stay strong when it comes to your H. You've been doing so great. He'll try to pull you down as all of the D business comes into play. Don't play into his drama.
take care.

Hi f21-

Hope the waters are receding and all is well-


Well. that's one way to make sure you don't accidentally answer any more phone calls from him.
Kidding. A couple of months ago I accidentally speed dialed XW when trying to call someone else, so I know how you can kick yourself for "phone errors." It happens...


Funny how that happens now that you've drawn a line in the sand and made it clear that you're not going to be a pushover to whatever he asks/attempts to force your way...


Again - because he hasn't been made to do this in the past.

Even though the whole situation is tough overall, your actions are directly affecting it going in a direction that is better for YOU and that you are entitled to. He tried it the usual (his) way, gave it the full court press (like with the quit claim) and got nowhere. Now he has to try something he's not used to - namely, not calling all the shots himself. Good for you. Sometimes it'll be easy and sometimes it'll be tough, unfortunately that's the way it goes sometimes - but you are doing great - keep it up and hope you get to feeling more positive soon - you are one of the most positive people around here, and that's going to be the other huge advantage you'll have as you go through this. Hang in there-

Kev

Hi Care. Great to hear from you. Thanks so much! You're right, H will try to pull me down. This is not fun, that's for sure. Yes, I must not play into his drama. I did okay, even great at times, but I would've liked to have done better.... especially since it's been so long since I talked with him. Oh well. Probably the worst of it is that I still have feelings for him and feel some rejection. That's icky. Thanks again. I will try to stay strong. Hope you and yours are doing great.


Hi Kman. Thanks. I think the waters are probably receding for my Dad, but when my Mom spoke with him this morning it was too dark for him to see yet. I need to go out and see if I can get myself a new phone today so I can call him.

lol. Yeah, my Mom said something like that too. She also said (referring to me throwing my phone) "well, I bet it felt REALLY good for a split second at least." It did, but only for a split second. That's right, you know about those phone errors. I think it was meant to be, it's just more stress for the time being. I'm pretty exhausted but at least I slept way better last night than I had all week (because I was so tired). My Mom has been commenting that I've taken such great care of her, and so she treated me to take out last night after I picked her up. We had really good salads and an awesome pizza. We also finally finished watching a movie that we'd started 2 nights before.

As much as I'd like to believe I'm responsible for this change, I don't know if I am. It's true I am not caving though. And although this is not a new insight, this still hurts some... knowing I was failing my M this way for so long. Until recently, I really thought I was doing better at this than I was... especially over this last year. I know I did stand up for myself in many ways, many times, but I was still a pushover too. I'm glad you mention it though. This is one thing that's been giving me pause with this D. You wouldn't think I would but I still have feelings for this man who is my H... even though he's been a royal @$$. I am trying to keep the faith I'm making the right decisions for myself. I'm getting tired and overwhelmed, and I need to turn that around again.

Thanks. I am looking out for myself and I don't much care if he thinks I'm selfish for doing that. As I mentioned, I'm not sure I can take much credit for him trying something new. He was still trying to call all the shots when we spoke yesterday. I've stood my ground like I did yesterday plenty of times before and he normally just gets mad and runs off. He usually has some way he can try to hurt me or make me pay for not doing as he wants. He seemed to want to do exactly that yesterday, but for some reason he wanted to continue the convo. There's nothing more he can do to hurt me that isn't going to hurt him (financially). There was a moment or two I thought his change could be partially due to personal reasons, but I think its only for financial reasons.

He threatened just letting the house be foreclosed on, saying he doesn't care, but I also got the impression he wants to protect this asset. When he said he wasn't going to pay our mortgage I just said okay. That surprised him, he thought he was going to scare me I guess. He wanted me to agree that I would be left with half of the debt. I told him I understand the laws. He wants me to think it's "50/50". Well, we are a no-fault community property state, and that means everything will be divided "equitably". He told me I can't go to school, that I have to just get a job. I told him I planned to do both and that I need a car. He also told me there are single mothers out there who work without cars. He said a lot of things like that to me. Some of it I ignored, other times I spoke up.

We both agreed we needed to work from where we are now, but he couldn't stop bringing up the past... especially his recent "plan" that he claims I screwed up, and that I'm now "F'ing us" because of that. I refused to take responsibility for that. He said I was minimizing his feelings. He kept claiming I didn't appreciate what he had done for me over this last year. He says he was helping me out. That was all so frustrating. I told him I've done my best, and that I believe he has too.

There were things I'm glad were said. It was just difficult to truly discuss anything because of his attitude. He finally decided he'd take a 10 minute time out and call back. I ended up needing more time than that for myself because I was crying. When we spoke after that, he was more respectful. I told him I'd be hanging up if/when he wasn't, and I did that more than once. I answered his calls a couple more times. I was consistent with that and it seemed to work alright. I obviously have a lot of room for improvement though since I was so angry and frustrated inside. Need to work on those boundaries more.

Thank you, Kev!

That's enough for now. I'm going to move over to Surviving the Big D. If this isn't locked, I'll post a link after I do that later.

Hey Girl!!

Stay strong. You are doing well!
Remember to say, "sorry you feel that way" when he puts the blame on you. Or end the convo, saying you need to run out or something to do with the dogs. Do that every time the blame thing comes up.
He should soon get the hint that you will not accept that without having to say the words. Because, actions speak louder!

I really disagree on this here - his pattern has been to try positive or negative influence on you to get what he wants - him coming to the table to work as a team is only because that's the only choice you've left him with, I think.


Trying.He can't succeed unless you let him.


At first, because he was continuing to probe and find out what would work to get what he wanted; then when that failed, to see what he would have to agree to...


Sounds perfect...for him.


Again, on his terms and what HE needed.


I know this is really tough, and that your emotions are all over the place from one day to the next and even from one hour to the next. But you are really doing well here. You set a very significant precedent by not giving in to the quit claim thing, now you can build on that. I guarantee you that he sat up and noticed when, after he pulled out ALL the stops to get the quit claim signed, he still failed to make you do what he wanted. And the key word there is make - because, as I recall, at NO POINT during that episode were you comfortable signing that, yet he continued to push and push and push. And yet you stayed strong.

Now you are in the negotiation phase. At times you may tend to beat yourself up for things you did or didn't do during the M. He may even do the same (who knows). But never forget that you are at this point for a reason (many reasons, more realistically). Do your best not to let that those doubts influence getting a fair and equitable settlement out of this, where you are aware of all the numbers, facts, etc. That's the reality of the situation AT THIS TIME, and I as well as others here have seen the strength that you have that will get you to the finish line.

And first and foremost, no matter what, treat yourself well - you deserve it.

Kev

Hey Trip!!! Thanks! Great to hear from you here. Haha, yeah, I said a lot of "sorry you feel that way". And you know.... as much as I didn't think he felt like I understood and respected his feelings, I think I was wrong. He'd left a voicemail for me today and was very apologetic for being so "horrible", and he even said he knows I understand how he feels. That was much more surprising than the apology. It was nice, I admit. I was ending the convo actually, before I had to hang up on him the last time, so I did good there. So true about actions speaking louder than words. Thanks again, and great to see you around. You sound good.


I do see that. What do you think it is he wants now? In his message today, he talked like he is confident "we will work something out". I suppose this might just be the role he plays when he's trying to use sugar rather than poison, but I haven't gotten "nice" from him in awhile. I'm really not sure how to handle him working as a team at this point. It really sucks because I can't trust him. But maybe I could be doing something with that. It makes it tough to "work with him" now, after everything. I hope I'm making some sense.

Absolutely. I didn't let him. He only tried, because I was strong when it came to him trying to call any shots. Not happening, when it's not in my best interest. I remember my C telling me I need to be more "stubborn" to be where I should be at.

Makes sense. I can't disagree with you.

I hear ya. I'm not feeling vulnerable right now to giving in to what he wants. As far as the 10 minute time out went, it wasn't all on his terms... he suggested that as an alternative to me simply ending the call for good, and I agreed to it. It was an opportunity for me to end things on a stronger note too, since I was letting him hurt me with his words. I gave myself the time I needed beyond the 10 minutes and he respected that. I know I stayed on the phone and listened to way more spew than I needed to, but I gained something out of it too. I was able to share my opinions on things, and set the record straight on my position. Maybe I shouldn't have bothered, but I said a lot of stuff I've only dreamed I could lately. Instead of protecting him from the reality of his wake, I let him have a glimpse of my view of it. I figured it could only help.

Thanks!! I see that I've done good too. Today, I started feeling a ton better. Long before I got the voicemail from H, thankfully. Totally.... I get how controlling he acts. I told him yesterday that he might be able to still get into a house like he wanted, if he'd take care of business in the order it needs to be handled. Time will tell. I am prepared for the worst in this, but planning for the best. Old habits are hard to break, so I'm prepared for him to try to convince me I have to work and can't go to school... and even fighting over it all and forcing me into bankruptcy. If that's the case, pressure is only going to get him exactly what he doesn't want. I'm ready, nothing he can do at this point will ruin me.

Good advice! I will do my best. Thanks!

Okay, will do. Thank you, Kev! I sure appreciate your support. (((((Kev)))))

Here's a link to me in Surviving the Big D..... What's good?

I signed all the paperwork for my L to file for D yesterday. On Monday they will be trying to serve my H with the papers most likely. My heart gets heavy and tears well a little in my eyes each time I think about this. Big sigh. I have really taken my time to get to this point but still part of me starts to *feel* like I'm giving up now. I know that isn't the case, but it's hard to believe I am divorcing him. I have a lot of love in my heart for my H. What we were doing just wasn't working.

Yesterday afternoon (after my appt. with L) H called me 5 times, left a couple voicemails, and sent a text message saying he really needed me to call him. He said he knows we can work something out, whatever that means. Well, the pushiness just rubs me the wrong way. He just can't seem to learn how to respectfully ask for things, and then to back off. He acted so desperate that it made me wonder just what was the deal with him. I had already decided I would call him today after a good night's sleep, because yesterday I was running on only a couple hours. I had even already texted him to tell him I got his message the day before and thanked him for his apology. I'd told him it had taken a lot out of me but that I would call him when I could. He just likes everything to be on his timeframe. Too bad.

So, I will call him today. Need to prepare myself. I will be telling him that I have filed and that he will be served. He doesn't need to be surprised by it. It's going to be a tough convo for me. I need to be prepared for anything.