Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis With MLC Women - Do they come back????

I've thought a lot about this one, so it's interesting you bring it up here. Do you think they are embarassed on behalf of the LBS, or is it because so much of the family, friends, neighbors, teachers, etc... have seen and heard?

How about this one, could it be that they just don't want to face the LBS wrath and acrimony (which is better than alimony!!!)? My wife told a friend that relayed it to me that she couldn't come back because she knew that in six months we'd just be back to where we are now. In other words, she doesn't believe that I'm capable of any substantive change, and that I'd be the same old DNQ, the one that assigned to her all of the blame after our first reconciliation.

How do you allow them to understand that the changes are real? Sure, they just see it in their interactions with you. I guess. In my sitch, though, she and I have NO communication, no contact, nothing. Not even on behalf of our children. So that makes it a bit tough for me to DB, other than do the things I can do for myself.

This is most likely more true with a WAW and male LBS I would bet. Based on what many of you have read in my main thread, you would probably say that this is what I'm doing (and Jack has been VERY vocal about this - thankfully in a constructive manner, so thanks.... - OMG, DNQ does listen!) I so much WANT to stand, and I've been coming back more and more lately to understand what level of commitment that does take.

Oh man, that has to be one of the toughest things to endure, my heart really goes out to you on this one, lawless. My question to you is, why do you think she would want to come back? Is it because of her being w/child and feeling vulnerable, is it because she now realizes you're the one she wants to be with, supposed to be with? And why do you think DBing would make the difference?

After all the talk about statistics (sadist-ics as I call them) and predictions, let me just say this to all of you in tune with my sitch.

I WON'T ASK WHAT YOU THINK OF MY CHANCES BECAUSE I HAVE LEARNED NEVER TO ASK A QUESTION YOU AREN'T PREPARED TO HEAR THE ANSWER TO.......

My two cents (given steam-of-conscious):

I agree that women don't seem to come back, and that played into my decision to D my XW. In fact, I seem to come across stories and anecdotes of more women than men running off to MLC-land.

My situation happened very fast. While quick, it was a thoughtful decision (on my part). After X dropped bomb, ILBNILWY, and said she wanted to see where this new relationship would take her, that she had FEELINGS for the OP who lives 300 miles away, and there was nothing I could do about that. She was moving out. Period.

I was devastated. She felt guilty about dumping me(but not guilty enough to stay and work on the marriage as at the same time she was in a manic state with the OP).

The DB material says not to issue ultimatums. I knew the risk, and gave her the choice to end the R with the OP and work on the M. If she moved out, then the M was over and we could split the assets (and I wanted to be the primary custodian).

She agreed.

I expected her to fight for custody. She didn't.

I let her go. She has the kids every other week, though it's considered "Visitation." She lives alone, and visits OP during the weeks I have the kids.

I figured if she's willing to sign her kids away (harsh terminology, I know) then I'll let her. At the time I was hoping (praying) she would have second thoughts and want to stop the process.

I really didn't want the D, but the night before we went to court I read our agreemement.

I had custody of my girls...without a fight.

This entire ordeal was stupid, but I had to do it. I've know real life stories of custodial parents who moves away, etc, and I couldn't risk it.

It was heartbreaking and I know of very few marriages that end that quick (moved out 7/15/06; D papers filed 8/1/06; D final 10/4/06).

I would do it again.

I severed financial ties with her, which has helped protect myself from financial ruin, the emotional rollercoaster and my my kids future.

Divorcing felt empowering during a time when I had no power. We have a young daughter and felt that since I will be part of daughter's life, then there is the posibility that X will be, too. If in the future there is a chance of reconcilliation, then so be it.

I firmly believe the distance and financial stress will break her addiction to the OP over time. I'm guessing 36 months, and we're 18 months into it, but who really knows?

I do not activly DB her -- but I do work on myself, try to be an active father to my children and am developing more hobbies that I enjoy.

Once her R with the OP ends, I don't expect her to come back.

I don't subscribe to the LBS who passively waits for the D to happen.

Good luck.

HL

Lawless
I cannot tell you how badly I feel for your sitch. That is devastating. I can understand why you feel that way. I think that would put me in my own depression for quite some time. I pray that your life is filled with happiness and the pain becomes a distant memory.

I want to thank you for the kind words and optimism regarding my M. We shall see

I have a hard time agreeing that the LBS is the one that burns bridges.

After extra-marital affairs, financial abandonment or irresponsibility, verbal and emotional abuse, abandonment of dependent children??

I'd say it's the MLC/WAS that has burned the bridges.

Finally having your fill, realizing that some offenses CAN be too much, and deciding to find life again on the part of the LBS is far from burning bridges in my opinion.

How long one chooses to wait for a wayward spouse who has committed some of all of these actions is a personal decision.

Not all on this board ascribe to a judeo-christian perspective, meaning not everyone here wants to be told that God wants them to wait and not divorce.

I've seen both sides. I chose to stand for a season. I also chose to accept that I would never again be able to trust or care about a person who had done such enormously hurtful things, not just to me, but her children, her extended family, and her friends.

I did not burn any bridges. Trust me, my ex more than took care of that.

In return I BUILT bridges. With my children, with my family, with my friends. I chose to look within, become a better man and father, and embrace my life with my boys.


Blessings,

Bill

HL, are you waiting for your W to come back? Are you hoping for your M to be restored?

Bill, I think you misunderstand what I am saying. I am not saying that the WAS/MLC spouse did not burn bridges, I am saying that it is up to the LBS to put the final nail in the coffin. The M will never be restored for sure if the LBS is finished.

And I don't understand why you are being hostile. I didn't say anything about the Judeo-Christian perspective.

I was giving my opinion, that is all.

No hostility intended MMF.

Just sharing some thoughts.

Honest.


Bill

I think it would make a lot more sense if I also broadened the scope of what I meant when I said LBS that burned bridges. I meant worldwide. People who never even consider DBing or try to work on themselves. I realized how it sounded after I thought about it for a little bit longer.