Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE A question for the ladies

A resounding NO.

Lou:



I avoided sexual thoughts, a lot, because I did not have the courage/honesty to share my inner self, one, and two, we argued SO MUCH about sex, he was so angry with me over it, that I wouldn't have shared my inner self even if I wanted to. He was an azz. To me, you do NOT talk to someone like that and claim to love them. You do NOT call someone names and expect that that will feed a person's desire to be intimate and vulnerable with you.

My xH was also the classic Nice Guy, and it pissed me off to the extreme. It killed whatever urges I had to begin with, and it wasn't much. My 'drive' was more along the lines of needing a physical release of an O... and I could do that on my own.

When I started my own journey 'out' of LD land, what I found was what CeMar calls mutual masturbation. Ewh. My xH did not desire intimacy and vulnerability, and actually told me in no uncertain terms that he was not capable of it. He was who he was. He wanted sex. He wanted to 'get off,' and he wanted to feel good about himself to get me off. That is just the worst kind of crap sex ever.

My bf is down for Thanksgiving. My mom, dad and kids are here as well. I've been 'focused' on cooking, cleaning, keeping things running smooth, attending to one and all... and there is no sexual desire anywhere in sight. I'd like to go 'get off,' but to have that... relaxed connection? Please. I'm not relaxed, and when I do 'relax,' I'm falling asleep.

So my bf asks me about this last night. He asked me if I had been horny. I was honest. No. Not really. But it didn't have anything to do with him... I explained the above to him.

Now... my bf RARELY initiates. He subtly invites. If I don't make a move with that... he doesn't do anything. It'll lead to crap sex, because he knows I don't really want it. And he won't go there.

I don't have the gumption to get there right now, and I feel very bad about that. I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting us down. So we talked about THAT... not 'how come you don't WANT me?' I do want him. I just don't have the energy right now to get me there. I'm 'taking care' of people right now, and that does NOT feed sexual desire.

So he hugs me and kisses me and kind of rubs my back and we go to sleep.

Today... his whole persona changed... he's become... a MAN magnet. I don't know if I can describe it... just that... his looks are smokey... his hugs are smokey... his little kisses are smokey... and he WALKS AWAY from me. ZOWEEEEEE... WHEW DOGGIE. He has not touched one erogenous zone... he has not said one thing to me about sex, or desire, or anything... but I want to touch that man in all kinds of ways right now....

He is... inspiring me? I've noticed it, certainly. It makes me smile. It touches me. Not one cross word has he spoken to me. Not one. He just doesn't want crap sex and he will NOT accept it. So I guess he's doing his part to get the kind of sex he wants... and that feeds my 'desire' beyond just having an O. He's.... helping me. Not putting me down, calling me names, asking me why I've seemingly changed...

I'm pretty impressed, right now.

Hey, your BF is kind of like the post-SSM Mojo - lol. I just think of it as "doing" my natural sexual persona but keeping my clothes on. What you might not realize is that your BF is "telling" you to give him sexual validation. If he took it up a notch he could "tell" you to have sex too but that would take full tanks of confident and horny. I wouldn't initiate sex with a man who was doing the equivalent of stressing over cooking/hosting Thanksgiving dinner because I would regard it as a waste of my sexual energy. However, if a man was always doing the equivalent of stressing over such things I would regard the whole relationship as a waste of my sexual energy.

If I understand this correctly I would have to say it depends on the reason there is no sexual desire...

You see my H says he wants to desire me but he doesn't most of the time...when he does desire me I can definetly tell the difference...for him it is both emotional/physical...hard to explain easily here...

I can say that I am happy...H doesn't ignore me...if I need him he is there...he sees to my needs and doesn't make it seem like a chore...sometimes it gets to me but he is working with his doctor on this...so I have hope that one day the passion and romance will return with his desire...for now I accept when he is...

Lin

I had the man in mind when I wrote it, but the question still works if desire is missing from both partners in a completely loving relationship.

Let me now modify the question slightly for the ladies.

Which is more important to you, a) being loved or b) being sexually desired.

Thanks for participating.

-NOPkins-

I would have to say being loved is far more important to me than being sexually desired.

If my H loved me with his whole being, and it was obvious to me that he did, then as much as the sex would be nice (being I haven't had any for a couple of years now) I would be willing to sacrifice it in exchange for the love - ABSOLUTELY !!!

Nop:



Well. In terms of a LTR, I still think this is a bullsh!t question. I know what you are trying to get at... but given what I have experienced in my life... if I were still in my xR, I'd say, being loved. But if I knew I were really loved, sexual desire would never be a problem for me.

So... one must answer... what does it feel like to be loved. In my last R, I was ignorant and lacking in true honesty. I worked my way toward it. Mrs. NOP is a big fan of radical honesty, isn't she NOP? I know she has done lots of her own work... you two are WORKING together. I'm sure it isn't always smooth... but...

I could get lazy about now. I could let my drive slip, I could stress and worry incessantly... I could 'take care' of things and use that as my excuse forever. I don't WANT to. I LIKE being a sexual, vibrant woman. I LOVE feeling that. I love sharing that feeling.

I've been in two places now. I hit my moments, and I always will. But LOVE, to me... is never sitting in my CotU chair for longer than a few days. I can have my moments... and NOT take them out on my partner. I'll break up first before I do that. Simply because I've BTDT and I won't do it again. That is not love to me.

With a man that I WANT to be with, and knock myself out over, love and sexual desire go hand-in-hand. Period. Been here too long, been through enough stuff on my own, to ever give that up.

There was that young guy with the fiancee who lost her desire here recently... I feel for them. With age and experience, if we are willing to listen, comes a certain... knowingness? I know what I want.

That does not mean I am in the perfect R. Far from it. Challenges are on the immediate horizon. But if it fails, it isn't because I wasn't ME, I wasn't honest, I copped out, or got lazy. If it fails, it means it was because I didn't love ENOUGH. To draw boundaries, to be honest, to call crap when I see it, to solve a problem, to put up with sh!t I should never put up with...

Loving is the ultimate act of courage. Sexual desire is the reward. I think anyway.

Mo:

Thanks for that.



He isn't 'telling' me anything. I see it more as 'inviting' me. Just like he does when he give me dancing lessons. He shows me something. He invites me to do it. He knows I can. He watches me struggle. In his world, there is no 'try.' You 'do' or you 'don.t' But you don't beat someone up because they 'can't.' There is not 'try.' Everyone has off moments, everyone struggles. Everyone faces themselves. And he waits until you decide to 'do' or not 'do.' If I decide to not 'do,' we are done dancing. He will not waste his or my time.

I just need to follow his lead. In all aspects of the R. I'm a female version of Mr. Nice Guy sometimes. I let people off the hook. And that is so not.... GOOD, in any way shape or form. I KNOW this.

It's a good place for me to be right now.

Hmmm...would I rather have a pretty face and a sweet manner or a great body and a confident attitude? "Please,kind sir, gimme them all." she says with a shy blush and a sly wink.


NOTE: Of course, this discussion is neglecting one's want/need to also be loving and desirous. Also, if a man admired/loved my pilgrim soul he would have sex with me for a variety of reasons.