Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy she just told me that she is with someone elseHELP

here is my sitch.. just found out thread..

Lately i have been somewhat begging her to come back and give us another try at our M. I know, strike 1. Well today she just told me that she is with someone else and that she is happy, the happiest she has been in a really long time..I am crushed! I can not cry because I am at work, but inside I am crying my eyes out. What do I say to that? How do I respond? I love her to death, she has cheated on me in the past and I forgave her. See my sitch for the rest, long story..I do not want a D, I want to work things out and start over...HELP!!

MWEL - I'm sorry to hear about this.

You have to let go man. She cannot be convinced or talked into trying to give you a chance. Back away from her and stop all contact. That's all I can recommend. If you can, get some counselling as well to help you through this. We never know what the future holds but right now she is somewhere else in her heart and mind. If there is any chance for things to work out, it will not come from you asking her for that chance.

You need to work on you and I mean really work on you. If you can't get counselling, maybe there are groups/organizations where you live that can offer help. Stay on this site to help you through the rough times.

I know this isn't a very hope-inspiring post but there is hope for YOU. Your wife should not be source of your happiness in life. That happiness needs to come from within.

That is the problem, I can not seem to let go. Everyone is telling me that I can not convince or change her mind into breaking off the D and giving us another chance. I was doing great until Thanksgiving, her sister and mother text me all day telling me that they miss me, thanksgiving isn’t the same without me there, that W is a dumbass for leaving me and that they wish she would change her mind and realize what a great guy she is leaving. That hit me like a ton of bricks, right to the heart. Since then I can not stop thinking about her. Before thanksgiving I was good, I went dark, didn’t talk to her, text her or even think about her as much. I went to counseling before but now I can not afford it right now (my deductible is high) and I am paying for all of the bills. You are true, we never know what the future holds, maybe we can get back together in the future but I just have to let her work through that but I just cant seem to let go.


I have been working on me since she first brought up the issue that she was struggling with our R. Ever since then, I have been reading book after book. It seems like all I do is read. I have been trying some 180’s. I am a quite and shy guy so I have been working out breaking out of that shell. I have been working out everyday. I know that I really need to work on communication and listening, really listening. Another board member told me about meetup.com, so I can try that. I really don’t know if there are groups/organizations around me. I am on this site during the day, not really when I go home.


Again you are not the first person to tell me this. I have always been happy, but I have always been with her. She was the reason I wake up in the mornings, she is the reason I laugh, smile, and love. I do not know how to be happy on my own; this will be a huge struggle for. I never imaged that I would be without her and not having her in my life.

I say this with utmost respect, but have you looked to getting on AD's to calm you down? I say this because I did this myself and I was able to detach easier.

I really have thought about that.....

mwel... do the AD's. This will help. You can always get off of them when you are further down the road. That's what I did.

Keep up on the 180's.

I hate to say this, but you've seen what happens when you chase and pursue.. time to go back the other way.

Especially now.. now that the OM is out in the open, you need to pull WAAAAY back.

I apologize for not being closer to your sitch, but it sounds like the Holidays got you. They are over for now.. focus on yourself.

Something else I thought of. You said you are reading tons of books. Are they all relationship books?

If so, couple of things. I'd read "Love must be tough". It's a good read and you'll probably find some inspiration in there.

2. Take a break!! You are probably in sensory overload. I speak from experience on this. I have purchased no less than 7 books over the last 2 months. 6 of which are R/M books. I got bits and pieces, but my brain was saturated.

It also makes you feel worse while reading these things and not being able to employ the techniques. Some may disagree.. but may be time to get a personal book.

I've got one called "Shut up, stop whining and get a life" from Larry Winget. Pretty cool.. one of those "what do you want" books. I know.. the quick answer is "My wife!!". That's an unrealistic goal at this point. You can't make her come back (if you did.. it's called kidnapping!!) so take advantage of the situation. Better yourself! That's the only way you can move on. Get your confidence back, get yourself back.

I really have been thinking of them but right now I do not think I can afford to go to the Dr's, my deductable is really high. But maybe I need to check it out anyways..


Yes I will, I keep trying and I think that she will come back once she see's the new me, but now I have to get that thought out of my mind. Need to focus on me.


Yes I know. I will just have to leave her alone, stop calling, texting, and emailing. I need to get in my head that it's time for me to have fun and aging being happy. I am dropping off the face of the earth at least towards her.


No need to apologize, yes the holidays did really get to me because of her mom and sister. Plus for the past 4 years, I would always be with them for thanksgiving and this year I wasnt. Yes, thanksgiving is over but Christmas is right around the corner, which will suck also. I need to try to focus on me now...

Got ya there.. this was the first Thanksgiving in 5 years I wasn't at the in-laws. Same with Xmas. Can't stand the jewelry commercials.. can't stand the Xmas "family" movies. Every thing I see now has a jaded "divorced" view.

My C called it the round of "firsts". Get through these, and hopefully things get better.

How is your friend and family sitch.. last I posted, they weren't able to come around. Has that changed? This time is VERY important for that.

Maybe use your "shell breaking" to make some new friends you can share the holidays with.

Yes all of them are books on M and R, affairs, sex, communication, dating and a few on divorce. I will have to look into that book.


Maybe I am over doing it, but I am committed to read everything I can, get as much advise and techniques that I can get and not giving up without a fight, even thought the fight is over and she has walked out of the ring.


Again you’re right, I try to employ them on friends and family when I see them but I would love to be able to try them with my W.
What do you mean personal book?


I will look into this book as well. I do want my W and right now it is an unrealistic goal but maybe it can still be a long term goal..?? I know I cant make her come back, I would if I could. I’m just alone and I do not know how to deal with that feeling, it’s like I’m empty inside. I know that I need to get my confidence back and take this time to better myself; I just don’t know how to take advantage of the situation when I feel this way. I always thought that I could just move on if she ever left me, now I’m finding that I can not move on so easily.