Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE I Was Almost A Walk-Away Wife (next thread)

This is all sounding like it is going around in circles. You or/and Cemar say I need to desire my H and to do things (like have sex) to make him happy, satisfy his needs and not only that but do it b/c I desire him.....not that I'm horny and....not that I'm HD or LD. If I tell him I want him to feel that he can have sex with me whenever he wants without fearing rejection....that is the wrong thing, or not good enough....I'm suppose to desire him. If I ask how can I do that if I have LD....that is not the point. And then I'm asked if whenever I "offered myself" if it was out of love for him? Well, of course it was! I wanted to make my H happy and if we waited for me to have HD....we would never have sex. Maybe that is true about being horny.....and maybe about desire for sex....b/c isn't it all tied in together?

Honestly, I give up. This is getting way too confusing for me. It seems that no matter what I do, it is wrong. Just like with him.....I've tried everyway I know to explain my feelings and my heart, but I guess I just don't know how to communicate. Or, maybe it is me that doesn't understand what you all are saying. Eveything I have ever done for my H has been b/c I loved him, wheather it was cook his supper or have sex with him. Maybe I wasn't in the mood to do either one, but I knew he needed both, so I wanted to make him happy and satisfy his needs. But you & Cemar say that is not what a man wants.....he wants the w to "desire" him, so then I say, fine but how do I desire him if I don't have any sex drive? You come back and say that is not the point. So you must be making a difference between being horny and having desire for my H. So, now I am totally confused b/c I don't feel any of it........love, desire, horny, sex drive, attraction.....nothing except a "brotherly love". So how's that fit into your manual?

Sandi: please separate what I am saying, from what cemar is saying.

Maybe that will help you understand what I am saying.
we are NOT saying the same thing.
(ignore cemar. heh, heh)

YES! THIS is the most important point!!!

except that I think we need to temporarily eliminate the word "desire" from your vocabulary. I think that is what is making things confusing.

There is "desire" to be intimate. That is self-focused.
And then, there is a separate "want", to be intimate for the other person's benefit. I'm talking more about that, not about "desire".




Disclaimer: the following does not apply to you. you are "too far gone" right now. Keep reading through to the end for "your stuff" though.

In a regularly balanced marriage, a spouse will care about the other person, and "want to take care of their needs". they will want to make them feel nice. They will want to do nice things for them.
Doing nice things for their spouse, will make the person happy.

There is a full range of things that this covers:

"I know you like meatloaf: I will make some for you, because it makes me happy, to see you happy from something I have done"

"I know you really enjoy golf: I will give you a gift of a new shiney golf-master-2000 club, because I like seeing you happy when you open it, and I like seeing you happy when you use it".

"I know you have sore feet: I will rub your feel for you, because it makes me feel happy, when I know you feel good from me rubbing your feet"

"I know that you're hornier than a toad right now; I will ...??..., because it makes me feel happy, when I know you feel good from me ...."


ALL of these things, come from the same basic feeling of love and caring from your spouse. You may personally hate cooking, or meatloaf, but still get enjoyment from making it, because of your spouse. YOu may hate golf personally, but still get enjoyment from giving the gift of a golf club.
Rubbing stinky feet, may not be your idea of fun, but the joy of making your spouse feel good, makes it worthwhile.
The same applies, in exactly the same way, for "....".

IF, that is, you care about making them feel good.

The trouble in your case, Sandi, is that you dont care about that any more.
So...





I think that the most important thing for you, is to get back that feeling of caring for your husband.
I dont think you'll get it back, until he starts meeting some of your needs.
I think that the only way that will happen, is if you have that talk with him that i suggested a few days ago.

If you two work something out in that area... THEN, I think you may become ready to tackle the sexual area later.

(i'm presuming that your drive is so far down, that sex is no longer one of your needs at the moment)

Sandi, don't feel bad for thinking that Dom is talking in circles, because I thought the same thing. (sorry, Dom).
I thought he was agreeing with cemar, too...then contradicting him. (?).
the meatloaf example: "see the difference?" um, no. not at all. Seems exactly the same as "giving him sex", because he wants it...giving him "meatloaf" because he wants it...how is that even remotely different?
Anyway, I agree w/ cemar, in principle, that without a mutual exchange, it will feel empty and unfulfilling. Nice gesture, sure. But empty.
Doing nice things for their spouse, will make the person happy.
um, only if the recipient's love language happens to be "acts of service". otherwise, no. not at all. For a PT person, the "here's some sex that I don't want, but it'll make you happy" thing is NOT going to be received as an act of "love", but as an act of service, which will only make the PT person resentful.

Anyway, you have no sex drive, and ask "can an LD person help it?" I don't know how. Some other LDs have said in recent threads that they can "take charge of their desire", and such. I have no idea WTF that means. But it seems to imply that they can will themselves into desiring their spouse. (?) Totally beyond my realm of understanding. My W could treat me like absolute crap, and I'd still be hot for her. (she's hot. what can I say?). But that's the way it is for an HD. But if you actually had a definitive answer for that question, (how does an LD just "make" themselves have some D?), we could just post it as a "sticky", and shut down the rest of the boards, and go home, and we'd all be "cured".
Thing is, though...you were "hot" for OM, weren't you? so there must be "something" there. Of course, that was before you were taking zoloft...(and yeah: that knocked the drive outta me, too. not completely, but almost. and I also don't understand the logic of taking more of something that made you feel worse, and not better. Did that to me, too.). So how do you re-direct or "ressurect" those feelings toward H? don't know. Here's where I go back to agreeing w/ Dom, in his last point. Where most of us measure our troubles in days, weeks, months...and the bad ones, in years, you're measuring yours in DECADES. I have no idea how to even begin to untie a knot that tight.

I gave two examples of "making meatloaf". To understand the concept i'm trying to convey, you're not supposed to compare "making meatloaf" to "giving sex", at least initially. The intention was for you to compare the two examples of giving meatloaf that I gave, and see how the mindset of the giver is different.


Sigh. how about a childish example then.

What is your primary motivation of giving a Christmas or birthday gift to a child?

If you are a caring human being, it isnt "because they asked for one". it isnt "because they expect it". It isnt "because all the other parents give their child one".

It is To see the smile and happiness on their faces.

if you cant find that motivation within you,for giving a present to your child... then you have serious issues to work out within yourself.

If you cant find a similar motivation to give sexual gratification to your spouse... simply to see the smile and happiness on their face, even when you have no sexual desire for your own sake... then you have serious issues to work out with your relationship with them.

This is too funny. Agree with Dom / agree with cemar... LOL I don't know... I'm with sandi. I don't feel any of it either!

Sandi, IMO, it sounds like he could care less about sex. Sounds more like he wants someone around so he's not alone, but not a whole lot more. I'm confused as to why it's sooo important for you to show him how much you want to make him happy sexually, when he's the one that cut off the physical R. i dunno, just seems backwards.

Dom, yes on the lubricant question. we've never had to before and he doesn't like that. he knows we only need it cause I'm not horny (which he does seem to want, hehe) . I didn't mean to ask a question. I was saying that there are other things I do for him than actual intercourse, but he always wants sex in the end. What am I thinking while we are being intimate, that I want to make him happy. Not "hurry get it over with", but "what can I do to make him happy"... afterwards, i feel kinda sick to my stomach and am glad that it's over. I know that I'm doing it to see him happy, but i can't seem to kick those feelings.

It's so funny cause people always say that women are hard to understand, but If I ever understand what a man really wants and needs, it'll be a miracle!!

This is the point I have been trying to make all along when I told him that I was available to him to make love whenever and wherever he wanted to do it. It was my way of trying to be as uninhibited as I could be back then. I thought it would make him very happy to know that I was "ready" to have sex whenever he wanted to do it. Yes, I loved him and wanted it for him. I wanted to please him.

And the meatloaf anology......I have done that also. It was all for him and b/c I loved him. The reason I brought up about the HD and LD is b/c a man seems to take it personal when his woman doesn't get aroused. So, see we are in a "no win" situation. You say it has nothing to do with it, but it does b/c if we can't get aroused, then the man gets all puffed up and his ego is bruised. So, if we are very LD or zero drive....that places a lot of pressure on us. That is why I said we can't help it if we don't have very much sex drive.....but we can try to show love to our husbands by making love with him and so he can enjoy sex. But.....it doesn't seem to be enough for the man. In his own way...he still demands for the wife to desire his body and to have that climax wheather she has any sex drive or not.

That is the summaary that I get from all of what I've heard and from what little my H has said and not said. When sexual things started showing up on movies and TV more than they did when we were growing up, and it showed people actually having sex.....and the females screaming from pleasure.....I think that is what my H thought all women did. Well, they don't. That is the movies. A whole lot of them fake it. And you want to know why they fake it? Because the H isn't satisfied and she has NOT DONE ENOUGH ON HER PART UNTIL SHE DESIRES HIM ENOUGH TO HAVE A CLIMAX. AND OFTEN.....VERY, VERY OFTEN RUN AFTER HIM AND ACT LIKE SHE IS IN HEAT. THEN....MAYBE HE WOULD FEEL THAT SHE LOVED HIM.....but I don't know even if that would still be enough.

Thanks Ann......and amen sister!

Let's not apply any judgments or overtones to lubricant. I have always used lube whether I needed to or not. I just feels good. Tell your H to get over the labels! Good grief! NOT everything is about him. Use the doggoned lube!