Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

Good morning-

Well, I want to try to respond to everyone's comments.

D3's health. Yeah, it bothers me that H is the way he is about this. Not that he's not concerned, but I've typically been the one that steps up and handles this. I tried to call him after her appointment this morning when I thought he'd be on his way to work. Got his vm. I emailed him and he called me back. He had gone in to work early. Just told him about what the Dr. said and that was it.

My C. Yeah, she's great. She's really been trying to help me realize that I'll be okay and that this mess isn't mine. She said....You already know that you're not perfect and that everyone, including yourself, makes mistakes, BUT, this is a time that you need to focus on you and your D3. It was awesome to hear her say.....Sue, I will help you get through this and help you grow through this.

Me. I still have my bouts of crying, but as I said, it's turning more to anger. I'm trying not to snap at H or as much as I'd like to, take it out on him. That's been a little difficult the past day or so though. H was so good there for a few days, but I've found the past few days that H's actions are making it easier for me to step away and detach. I've been to a point a few times the past few days that I've shed a few tears and then said.....it's okay, you can do this, you'll be just fine! I think I know what H has been up to the past few days, but I have found that I'm not really obsessing over it. To me it's pathetic and beneath me.

Last night H got home from work and D3 was still awake. She was in her bed, but still awake. I was in her room with her. She finally fell asleep & H left to "workout". Before he left, he was digging around in the CD's. I just calmly asked....Whatcha doin? He kind of stumbled and said.....Oh, I thought about taking the van (my vehicle) to go workout. His CD player isn't working, but mine is. Then he quickly put the CD's back down and walked out the door. That was about 10:15 I checked and he'd taken his car afterall. His trip to workout is all of about 7 minutes. Not much time to listen to 2-3 cds. I woke up at midnight to help D3 and H wasn't home yet. Woke up around 4:30 and he was on the couch with the tv on. He was awake. I asked if he'd slept. He said no. I pushed and asked....what time did you get home? 2:00 am. Where were you? Just out. With who? No one. I went back to bed. Oh, let's add that H had a few drinks when he got home last night. He's been doing a lot more self-medicating the past few weeks. The guilt and confusion harder to handle lately?

This morning when D3 and I were getting ready to leave, H said that D3 would probably be asleep before he got home. I asked what he was doing tonight. He plans on going to a concert. So, that really topped things off for me. Don't get me wrong. I still truly love him. I do. But, his lack of concern lately, his denials, his doing what he wants to do....etc. is really pushing me away. I know that's what he wants and it's working. It's pushing me toward making sure that D3 and I are okay, that we're covered and okay if/when he leaves.

I try not to dwell on OW, but I think things are getting to a peak with the two of them. Not that I expect them to fall anytime soon, but I think they're spending more time together. It makes me wonder what's going on with her and her H. Are they still together? Just don't know and I'm trying like heck not to worry about her. Again, it's pathetic to me that two people who are married with children can risk so much and hurt the people closest to them.

Well, thanks to everyone for stopping by. I do appreciate it.

Have a great day.

SueS

Oh Sue. What an A$$. I only recognize the A$$ like symptoms because I live with one. I am sorry. You pegged it with his lack of concern. What about him saying "Did you have plans tonight..." before he *assumed* you were watching D3 and he was free to go out. What a tool. I understand the sadness and emotions turning to anger, I really do.

I think they might be seeing each other more. What's with taking the van? And being out later, and the vague answers?? I get so mad when I think he thinks he is 'snowing' you and you are clueless. HUGS Sue!

Man, Sue what a jerk he is! I think yours and LWB's H tie for asses of the week!

Good morning lwb & Yoyo

Asses of the week! Is there a trophy for that?

So, lwb, you asked why he would take the van? IMHO.....to listen to music on his way to/from seeing her & his vehicle is short on gas!! Honestly, that's what I think. He thought he'd sneak out of the house and use my vehicle without me knowing. No big deal that he uses it. It is OUR vehicle afterall. I don't care if he's actually going to workout. However, I did just fill up the gas tank, so that would have been a BIG clue. He's certainly not going to put gas in it to cover up his tracks!

He was angry with me for asking questions. I didn't hammer him, just your basic where & with who. If it were innocent, he wouldn't get angry now would he? I think deep down he honeslty knows he's not snowing me. He knows I'm smarter than that. I think the anger is coming from the fact that they have been seeing each other more and it's pushing his guilt and confusion even more......hence the increased drinking.

It will be a FUN weekend. There's a good chance that we're going to get dumped on with snow. A good "stay at home" weekend. Fun for all of us to be inside together!!! I have my list of things I want to get accomplished, so I'll concentrate on that and try not to let H dictate how I feel.

I do plan on taking D3 out to dinner tonight. She's been a good girl. Today is her last day in the room she's at in school. Monday she'll move in with the older kids. She did a great job at the doctor this morning. H isn't planning on including us on anything he's doing. So, I'm not excluding him from an invitation to dinner with us just as a "you can do it, I'll do it" kind of thing. I just figure that he's moving on and so should we. It just helps us and bonds us even more.

Time to back off.....patience, growth, patience, growth....

SueS

Perfect, Sue - just perfect. You are getting there - do you see that? Be proud of yourself, and keep it up!

I just figure that he's moving on and so should we. It just helps us and bonds us even more.

There ya go! That's detaching at it's best. I think you're right in assuming that he knows he's not fooling you. The fact that you aren't calling his attention to what he's doing and how wrong he is places the responsibility squarely on his shoulders. He's gonna have to take ownership of his journey and what it does to your family. Great job

Enjoy YOUR weekend

Sheila

I have an idea what that trophy might look like! Not talking about a donkey either!

Sues..

(((hugs)) but you know what.. you ARE getting stronger, I can feel it in your posts. He doesn't know how lucky he is. That's the sad part of it all.

You are doing great, and you will do great with or without him!

Have a great wkend!!

tal

Hi-

So other than the 2 minute convo with H this morning about D3's Dr. visit, we had no contact during the day.

I picked D3 up from school and we went to eat. It is cold here, so we headed for home right after. It was fun, but I just kept thinking about how sad it was. I saw another woman & a little girl eating together & I wondered if we were in the same boat.

Got home and started to relax when H called. I was surprised, as it was after the time he should have left from work and he is going to a concert. He asked what we were doing. Then he proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't be surprised if I get a call from the police tonight. I asked what that meant. He said not to be surprised if he gets a DUI. WTF?? He went on to completely explain how he'd missed a 2nd level bonus by a very, very small amount. He'd had what he called a lay-up of a deal at 5:00. They had it all set up so it would close tonight. It would have put him about 100.00 over what he needed for that bonus. Underwriting denied it and basically told him that he should have done it earlier in the day, as the person who needed to approve it was gone for the day. SOOOOOO, he told me...I'd intended to celebrate if I reached that bonus by getting loaded. I'd also intended on drowning my sorrows if I didn't reach it by getting loaded. So, either way, I'm getting loaded tonight. AND....apparently driving home. Smart huh?? Now, I know this is something dangerous and yes, I worry. I also don't know how I can stop him. I don't know if he's going with anyone, where it's at...etc. Now, isn't that putting your family first?? As I said earlier, the drinking is increasing. Either because things aren't going as planned with OW or because they are going as planned and the guilt & confusion of what he's doing to us is getting heavier.

I lived with an alcoholic father (almost 8 years sober now). I love him and he was never an angry drunk, but I don't want my D to go through what I did. The embarrasment, the worry...etc. If this M is to survive, that needs to get under control also.

Well, I need to get a few things done tonight and I'm tired. I just hope when H does get home that he passes out on the couch watching tv as he has the past few nights. And I pray that he doesn't hurt anyone on his way home.

SueS

He's acting like a responsible adult, isn't he?

Sues,
I may have missed it in one of your earlier posts, but I never saw how the doctor's visit for your DD went. Did he figure out what was wrong with her?