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Had a very hard day at work (emotionally). I couldn't focus on work much, found myself thinking too much about W and wished my sitch was just a bad dream. I've spent nearly half my life with her and we DID have so many, many good times. Few in the past several years, though. I miss her love so much and pray that this is a new beginning for us and not the end.. I think what is bothering me most is watching her hurt so bad inside and I cannot console her. I also feel so cheated because to me, she is a much stronger, more beautiful, successful woman now than when I met her. I was looking forward to spending this time in our life together.

W picked me up from work. Was in best mood I've seen her in days. Talked to me about her day all the way home (30 min drive), mostly about xmas shopping for kids and my pending move. Also talked about her future visit to parents house over xmas. She said she really felt bad that I was going to be alone during that time. I said jokingly, "drop the pets off at my apt on way to airport. Pets and I can have a party and exchange gifts! Maybe, I'll dress them up in costumes and take pictures, send them to you when you are visiting family" That made her smile.

I setup all my utilities for apt today and will sign lease tomorrow. She looks and smells so good to me in car, I mention it to her, but stayed focused so not to cross any boundaries. Told her I had a hard day emotionally but didn't get into details and dropped the subject. She apologized for her mood this morning. I replied, "you have no reason to apologize for your sadness, I understand why you are unhappy with things, who wouldn't"?

Her pleasant mood continued until she left for work. I told her during dinner that since I lost weight it's time for me to start working out. Told her I was going to 'pump iron' for the next two months and start drinking protein shakes, weight gain powders. She asked why now? I said, "I'm improving myself and it will keep my mind off all the negative." I also told her that I'm replacing my wardrobe, it's long overdue and I've lost alot of fat. I haven't bought new clothes in several years! Haven't had the $$ and I do now.

I am still very, very sad and scared but tried not to show it.

I'm hell bent on busting this D. I didn't tell her that new apt has alot of younger, single females living there, she'll figure that out soon enough. My plan is to make new friends, make myself more physically attractive in coming months, work on my character flaws, then start inviting people over to new place, start going out with new friends after house arrest is over. Start flirting with some 'hotties'. I'm going to GAL! I will be quite smart and successful for a guy living in an apt complex Quite a catch for some girl who is tired of dating 'losers'. Time to start playing the DB game, I guess. I can easily pull off being 5-10 years younger than I am. I have the gift of youthful looks and spirit! Always have but for some reason forgot that until today.

Of course, I still prefer W, but I'm not going to make it easy for her to just 'throw me away' that's for damn sure.

Oh, did I mention I got a vasectomy for W a couple of years ago? LOL!!!!!!

I'm going to try and make this short and sweet...

W was in good mood but I've been a wreck inside. I haven't made much progress last 24hrs but haven't slipped much either. W just noticed that I was 'not myself' today.

I have some observations that I would like opinions on:

I KNOW W is filtering info from me. I KNOW she is selectively deleting sent/recieved emails, texts, cellphone calls. If she wasn't trying to hide something why would she do this? Should I just ignore it?

I have reason to believe that there is a POSSIBILITY that she wasn't with the friend that she said she was with on thur night. Found that # she texted asking for directions is a male's cellphone (called # from payphone and male answered, male on voicemail message) but not sure if this is her friend's boyfriend or someone else. What has me confused is that this male's # is in her contacts listed under "KAY". (never heard this name mentioned before). Why would she have her friend's boyfriend's cellphone number in her contact list under a different name or maybe these are his initials (male's voicemail states "this is Kevin")? Why did she text "friend's boyfriend cell" and not her friend's cell?

There are other details that really have me confused as what to think about all this. W has denied repeatedly that she is 'cheating' to myself and C. Maybe this depends on W's definition of 'cheating'....I know I shouldn't be snooping but things just seem like they aren't completely adding up, I see some suspicious actions in W, especially no rings and her increased attention to how she looks, her makeup/clothing when leaving house. I don't want to be moving out next week if there is an A going on (albeit probably an EA and not a PA). I will be basically 'handcuffed' for 60 days. I still have a few days before I HAVE to make the move although I already paid for apt and utility hookups. $$ is not on the top of my priority list. I don't want to be a 'lamb led to slaughter' but I don't want to blow this out of proportion and lose all chances with reconciling with W either.

W was in good mood and talking to me for a change last two days. I've been backing off and giving her calm, though. She has changed her status of wanting me to stay completely away for next 60 days to spending a couple of days in 'our' house watching kids on weekends 'for the kids sake'. Just a few days ago, the status was 'stay as far away as possible next 60 days'.

Any thoughts or opinions on this stuff?

Ja,

I think u are looking into this way too deep, look at the positives not the negatives, if she wants to spend a few days with you and the kids use this to your advantage, no R talks just be lively and enjoy the time with the kids. I can relate i try and dig too much and all it does is make my mind go crazy and try and figure out the worst scenario, like my C says, whatever you think is going to happen isnt what will happen you dont know the future, and as my W has said before you dont know which direction the boat will go but you can adjust the sails.... so be postive and stop digging.

D

Jab,

Slow down, way down. You want to see responses in 24 hours. You won't and even if you do, you may not be the result or cause. You can't assume it is an boyfriend, but you can't rule it out. But quit checking. The A or better yet the honest answer will come out. Don't snoop, go look at my threat about tonight and then you will think twice.

This is going to take months, not hours. You do sound so much better though. Keep up that attitude and don't get down. There will be down days. I was horribly depressed, but it does get better. You won't let her behavior effect you so much. Just try and focus on work, easier said then done. I remember days, sitting there for 8 hours staring at my monitor. But you can do it. Keep it up.

Atlas,

I read your post and I thank you deeply (and dh) for the good advice. You understand my sitch, you know how easy it is to succumb to the urge to snoop. You understand why I feel like there's an A going on (the signs are there), but that may or may not be the case. If you read back in this thread, there are a few things I need to work on (my insecurities, my lack of patience, and listening to what my wife is telling me)

Thank you for reminding me of that, makes me feel a little better. I just love her so much and this is so hard, especially over the holidays.

Trying to keep PMA but it's still extremely difficult.

I know I'm probably repeating myself, but what am I supposed to say , how am i supposed to act over the next week (asif, PMA) while I'm moving out?

W is the one who is contemplating D, wants the S and for me to move out! I swear, if it wasn't for my sitch I would NOT move out! I think it is completely wrong! I do feel for the next 60 days, it will reduce the pressure on her and allow me to easily get to/from my job, she might wake up and realize that she misses me and does want to work on things. Hopefully, after 60 days, her attitude about our M will start to improve and not degress.

She has mentioned things like taking my name off the mortgage and refinancing the house in her name (to get a better interest rate). Splitting up bank accounts and such. I have said that I'm open to those suggestions, but honestly, I see where that may go. I have to do everything I can to legally protect my assets and ensure my 'primary residence' stays unchanged. I'm not taking my name off anything that would support otherwise. No change of address with post office, nothing. I'm the one who for the last 13 years had/has the career and supported her financially, made all the home improvements and NOW she FINALLY has a good career she thinks that me letting her keep our house is the 'right thing for me to do' and uses the kids as the reason?!? She sure has me between a rock and a hard place right now.

Should I say ANYTHING regarding my feelings for her or about how I know I CAN be happy without her but I WANT to be happy WITH her? Should I point out that over the years, I have made so many sacrifices just because I loved her (including this S), so much I want to give and show her now that I didn't in the past, all that she wants and deserves from me, but she is THROWING IT ALL AWAY?! Why doesn't she WAKE UP?!

I get so angry because I feel that this is SO unfair to me. I do understand my role in why she feels the way she does, but it doesn't have to be this way. I just cannot understand why she blames me for ALL her unhappiness (some, yes). I don't understand how she feels this is ok. Why is it ok for her to do? I looked forward to this holiday season, wanted to have a wonderful xmas, give her nice loving gifts, spend time as a family...ALL DENIED! She is robbing us of our dreams/our just rewards, at a time when I was beginning to feel like life was making a huge, positive turn for both of us. WE CAN FIX OUR PROBLEMS and BE HAPPY!! Hell, alot of the issues of the past are already fixed or in the process of being fixed already!!

I'm so frustrated and scared because she is getting everything she wants, doesn't have to lift a finger. I'm losing virtually everything that I have worked for the past 16 years and I have to do all the work. I feel that right now she has little intention of making an attempt at saving our M, the only reason she is in a better mood is because my move out is imminent. I want to do the 60 days and just move myself back in regardless of how things are going at that point. If she wants to throw it all away after 60 days then she can find a place herself! Maybe, it won't come to that.

I honestly plan on improving myself and doing the DB, GAL thing moving forward but sometimes I feel like I have lost every ounce of desire and strength. I have lost 20lbs this year, 35lbs total over the last two or three years, if that gives any indication of how much stress I have been under! I weighed myself last night and I'm down to 145lbs! I haven't weighed that since high school! That's scary to me!

I just am unsure of how I should be acting, saying, planning during this move out that was forced on me. I'm still wondering if I should do it at all (although if I don't I will have to seriously tap my retirement savings to get by financially). I'm worried it will kill any trust and chances I have with W if I don't leave for awhile. I'm worried that it will make it much easier for her to just THROW ME AWAY for good if I do move out. Should I plan on doing it for 60 days and then move back in?

Today I couldn't hold it together. Spent half the day putting together computer for W and crying (kept having to walk out of room so kids didn't see me). Was playing a mixed CD I made for her (I gave it to her when she was leaving for work). After I was done dying inside, I started feeling bitter.

Wife was pretty silent most of the time she was awake. Sat down for dinner and I began discussing plans/schedule for me moving things out starting tomorrow AM, mostly logistical things. I was most of the way through and W said, "lets not discuss this in front of the kids". I replied, "why not? they know about it, they're excited because they get to have sleepovers with dad in his new place". She ate a little more then got up from the table.

I was smoking a cig in garage with her a few minutes before she left. W stated she appreciates stuff I'm doing for her but she doesn't know how to react because "she feels awkward". I kind of lost it there. I did keep a calm voice through entire conversation:

Me: "awkward? Yeah, right. You think YOU feel awkward?"

W: "I didn't ask for you to do all of this stuff, why are you all fired up?"

Me: "Sorry I can't fake it all the time and act as if everything is fine...

Me: "Why are YOU upset? You get to get rid of everything that is causing you unhappiness in your life. You get to sit and watch me do all the work. I'm the one that is losing virtually everything that he cared and dreamed about.

Me: "You are the one who doesn't want me anymore. I can't even do a damn thing about it, I just have to leave you alone and not say anything to you. I just have to keep all my love for you inside because you'll get upset. You can't even look at pictures of us together."

W: (Angry) "I'm just leaving for work now, I don't have to listen to any of this."

Me: "See, now you're angry. Why are you angry? Have a nice night."

I failed today. I couldn't control myself. I sometimes wonder if after a couple more months of this that I will become a bitter, unloving person. I may not be able to love her anymore or anyone else again. I really don't even care how she is feeling right now. I hope she is crying in her car driving to work, but she probably isn't. She has and still is taking me for granted. I may have taken her for granted in the past but that stopped awhile ago and it just seems like it doesn't matter to her.

I remember after my DUI she said she wished that she could hurt me like I hurt her. She got her wish, I have felt more pain in the past 6 weeks than I ever have in my life. The emotional wounds she is inflicting on me are deep. What really sucks is that I still love her deeply and she doesn't seem to care anymore. When I look at her I see the 20 year old that I met 16 years ago. She is throwing away a love that she'll never find again. We are a part of each other. I sometimes despise her for not coming to me with her feelings before they got so bad. That's what you are supposed to do when you're married!

1 step forward 2 steps back. You are going to have days like that. You are only human, if you were perfect, you wouldn't be here to begin with.

If she's hiding things and putting guys names under girls names on her cell phone, then yes, there is probably something going on. A couple things people will tell you over and over again... 1) the EA/PA is a symptom of the problems in the R, not the cause of the problems. Get to the root of it and don't focus on the affair.
2) Don't snoop. It will drive you crazy and it will push her further away. If she's given up on your M for now, then she's just going to do what she wants anyways.

At this point, you are planning to move out, you have everything ready, the kids are excited about having sleepovers with daddy and it will be more convenient workwise. I'd just go with it. Also, your emotions are pretty up and down right now (totally normal) if you want to DB, having some time to focus yourself before talking to her, couldn't hurt anything.

What happened to the guy that was going to start pumping iron and flirting with hotties? Not saying you have to have that kind of PMA all the time, it just won't happen, but make those your goals, getting fit, working hard, spending time with your kids, making friends and DBing. Make a list of personal goals and focus on those.

She can and will justify any mood/attitude/actions she has. She is living in a world where she is number one. Her happiness is her main focus. Give her space and work on you. Hopefully, your changes will be noticed and show her that you can be the man she needs to be happy with.

One other thing. I wouldn't point out the changes you are making. Let her see them. If you point it out, she'll think you are doing it for her and it may just be a temp fix. Do it for you and let her see that for herself.

take care... ann

Thx Ann,

I'll make it a point to not point out the changes that I'm making going forward. I have mentioned some of my plans to her for self-improvement but I didn't make it sound like I was doing it for her. I'll be careful not to bring them up in conversation again unless she actually notices the changes (which she should if I do things right).

Today was a much better day for me. I went to the apt to get cable hooked up. Cable guy was late and I was still an emotional wreck, but I sat in the empty apt alone for several hours just listening to music by myself.

A long time friend of mine (and wife's) called me and I told him the news about what was going on in my life. He made me feel ALOT better. He started talking about how he was sorry to hear the news but kept going on and on about how W took me for granted and W caused me more stress than I deserved. He validated me, confirming how much I did and sacrificed for W, how stressful my life has been and W should have understood that at least. That W had alot of issues and it wasn't fair to me what W was doing and that she is being ungrateful. That it was probably best for me to get rid of some stress in my life right now. None of this did I bring up or mention, he brought it all up on his own. These thoughts were all from what he has been observing over the past few years and didn't want to say it to me then. I FINALLY felt like someone other than myself was seeing what I see! It ISN'T all my fault, it WASN'T my imagination!

Cable got hooked up and I decided to go buy some new furniture before the $$ was gone. This also made me feel better since I furnished the whole apt for a decent price and they will deliver it all on WED. I was still sad that W and I wasn't purchasing furniture together for the house but it did brighten my mood a little.

I then started thinking on the drive home. I was thinking about how I was looking at all the negatives, all the things that I need to deal with and take care of in the coming months. THEN, it hit me. I started thinking about all the things that I WON'T have to deal with, how little I actually have to worry about as far as day to day tasks go. How I can make decisions about things and won't have to answer to anyone! I felt it. I finally felt myself 'letting go'. It was a really, really nice feeling. I kept thinking how much W has to deal with when I'm gone. She is going to have a rude awakening!

When I got home and saw W, it was pretty easy to act ASIF since I actually felt ASIF! I was still very sad inside about the situation and I still felt like I wanted to touch her, tell her ILU, all that....but I didn't.

One of the biggest issues that is killing me inside right now is that there's a pretty good chance that an A is going on behind my back. I have a hunch W knows I'm on to something and W feels guilty about it. I can't prove anything, W denys it, if there is I have NO idea how long it's been going on (but it probably started with her new job) or how far it has progressed. I have the 'feeling', though that there is something going on and it's not just the 'jealous husband' syndrome. It just feels like W is hiding something from me and I'm seeing too many signs, some are more subtle than others. It's tearing me up inside, and I DO think that it is part of the reason for W's thoughts of D. It's probably better if I never find out the truth, at least for the moment.

Anyhow, that's how my day went. I was thinking about giving W a letter or sending her an email letter before I left. It would be brief but I wanted to summarize my thoughts at this point in time. I also wanted to validate some of her feelings at the same time. This was the 'bullet' list that I wanted to include:

1) You have every reason to be unhappy an angry about how I treated you over the past few years, it was wrong and you deserve better.

2) If I knew how you really felt about everything, I would have done things differently. I never wanted to make you feel like you weren't #1.

3) I am agreeing to move out because we BOTH need some time and space to figure out what is going to make each other happy and I NEED to become the better person I know I am. I'm doing this for myself as much as I'm doing it for you.

4) I want a fresh start. A 'do-over' in our relationship. Things won't be the way they have been regardless of how they turn out.

5) My feelings have changed for you as well as myself, just like you said yours did for me.

6) I CAN be happy without you but I WANT to be happy with you. I WANT you to have what you deserve, happiness.

7) When you think about me, try to think happy thoughts, about the good memories, positive things. It wasn't ALL bad all of the time.

8) You THOUGHT that I didn't feel any love for you. I KNOW you don't feel any love for me.

9) Counseling and therapy will benefit both of us. Let me know if and when you feel comfortable enough to go with me.

10) If you want to hang out with me, talk not fight, or just go have some fun together again, feel free to let me know. I would like that.

11) I am proud of you, I think you are beautiful, I believe in you. I hope that someday you can feel that way about me.


Any thoughts or suggestions on what to include or omit are welcome. I have to be honest, I don't have DB or DR yet. I'm waiting to get them shipped to new apt and read them there next week. I'm using the forums for a reference and journal right now

Excuse me but what are you doing?

Has anyone here told you that you should reconsider leaving your home??

Don't send that letter.
And if you feel that you must, drop number 8.
But I wouldn't send it at all.