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Sandi: you sound just like my wife, in your description of your behaviour with online OM.

The big differences being... she's now been through 5 of them now, rather than choose to stop doing it any more, after #1
Plus she enjoys phone time with them.
And seems to like keeping some of the "old ones" around, even after she has moved on to a new primary one

Sandi, thanks for the response.
W this morning has been real nice, even sat next to me at the kitchen table while she read the paper.
She asked if I remembered an older gentlemen that used to live near us when we were first married. He now is in assisted living at the nursing home my W works at. He remembers us very well and remembers the kids.
Surprises me that my W was kind of anxious to tell me about him.
As far as she giving up the OM, I have my doubts.
My daughter called me from school the other day and asked for me to retrieve a paper she had saved to her laptop. While I was doing that, I checked the history, b/c the W has been laying on my D bed some evenings each week to ease her neck pain, and has been using her laptop to check her emails.
Well I found 2 websites that are associated with the OM. She was looking at the city website where OM lives, and the city job website, plus the website baydreams, b/c the OM lives on the chesapeake bay in Maryland. This was a few weeks ago after what I thought was a few weeks of major improvement.
I know I shouldnt have snooped, but I couldnt help myself.
Now maybe she is just longing for him, but again I have my doubts.
Have to tell you that my sister ran into an old friend of mine, and he asked about the D b/c he saw it in the newspaper.
Apparently this friend must have talked to the IL's, b/c he said he was told that WE had been thinking about D for 2 years and decided to wait until the kids were finished high school. Yeah right! So now the W is lying to the IL's, and they are supporting her all the way. Just what I need.
So she is still lying her way through everything so no one will look at her in a bad way.
Well, I will take the good days with the bad, and keep plugging.
Also, was at my counseling session yesterday, and my W did not reschedule from her last appt in sept.
Dont know how to react to that one. Maybe I will contact the pastor that married us and ask him to talk to her about going back. Talk to you later. Thanks for all your help.

Sandi,

Rather than me type a bad description of it here type cognitive behavioural Therapy into google. it is a well known and growing area that helps you recognise your behaviour. Once you can recognise it you then can try to change it if you need to. that is a very crude description. I have found it very very good. It was hard in the beginning but it is getting easier now and has really helped me - not just with my M - but also with stopping my self destructive behaviour. I can now analyse my thoughts and instead of letting them rule me and me ruminating on things incessantly to no purpose I will deal with things in a positive way and if I can't deal with something i recognise that and move on until I can deal with it.

A good starting place might be ' Learned Optimism' by Martin Seligman. he also wrote 'Authentic Happiness'. This just all kind of made sense to me. I wanted something to help me change the way I viewed things and thought about things. I also wanted off the AD's.

I think it sits well with DBing.

In the UK the government is putting a lot of extra money into this area in the hope that they will get people of AD's and improve mental health.

I hope this helps.

saffie

Thanks so much Saffie....I will look it up.

Hi Scottymack,

Well, I hate to say it, but it sure sounds like your W is very addicted to the internet affairs. Man, if she has been through five OM.....no wonder she is moody! It is the excitement.....the "rush" that all those false chemicals give you. It is a sense of falling in love and all the other stuff. She must have low self esteem to have such a need to find OM to stroke her ego all the time. That's what they do. I would have my little webcam out and they would come on line and see me and tell me how beautiful I was, etc. Of course I ate that up b/c I was having a problem getting older and losing my looks and youth, so they were saying all the things I needed to hear. After a while....it was very addictive....just like a drug. I hate to admit this, b/c I don't want it to give the wrong impression....plus I sure don't want anyone to think I have backslid and gotten into any of that again, but what I was going to say is that I still have a temptation to contact the OM....not all those I was talking to b/c they did not mean anything to me....that was just "fun & games" to me (as sick as it was), but that one that I had the EA with......there are times that I feel a "pull" or temptation to just get on line to see how he is, etc. But, I realize that it would be crazy to allow myself an inch. I got off very easy with him not causing any problems for me.....he could have if he had wanted to....but thank God, he didn't.

It would make my H very upset if he knew I just said that.....just like it would to know your W felt that way. But, I think it will always be something I will have to "deal" with in the sense that now I recognize it as a "weakness" and I have to guard against it. If your W comes to terms with it in her life, she will have to deal with it just like a gambler, drug user, alcholic, or anything along those addictive lines. I think it is worse for women b/c as I've tried to explain before, their soul gets involved too much. I guess that's why it's called an emotional affair. A man can look at porn and get excited about it or even contact a woman over the internet and do sexual things for excitment.....but I don't know that he isn't able to just forget her when it's all over. A woman starts fantasizing about the OM in her personal life and sees him as her rescue or knight in shining armour. But just as I was told by some others when I first came on board, my OM has probably already went on to find his next woman that would give him the same pleasure I was giving him. He has probably already forgotten about me b/c I really didn't mean anything special to him. I was just the evening entertainment in place of his TV. So, see it helps me to come here and talk about it....it kind of helps me get it out of my system and then I don't feel that temptation.

I did the same thing as you were talking about your W on the computer. I would look up the city where the OM lived, etc. So, you are probably right, she is looking. I am so sorry and I wish she would get help with it. I think you will have to treat her like you would a person with a drug addiction. You really need a professional to tell you how to do it until your W wants to help herself......I don't know what you can do. My H tried to force me.....but it didn't work. He took the cam away....thinking that would stop part of it.....but I knew how to play that game too. So, that is why I say that if a person wants to contact OP by computer or phone or however......nobody can "force" them not to....it has to come from their free will or it's no good.

Well, sweetie, I've just rambled more than help, but I think I've helped myself......so thanks...lol. Maybe it was my journaling for the time being.

If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me anythig. Take care.

Sandi

i think the "5 om" was from me, not scottie?

but anyways... ok, noone can force them not to.
but what can convince them to not to, any more?

OPPS!! That was not your W that had 5 OM! Sorry ScottyMack, got my posts confused yesterday.

DomR,

You are correct. Thank you for politely pointing that out to me. Sorry for you, but I was thinking SM when I posted that. Bless your heart.....I hate that so much for you. It must be awful. I have to tell you something, sweetie. I got to the place that when I wanted out of the house so badly, one of my biggest reasons was so I could have all the privacy and freedom on a computer of my own and nobody could tell me what I could or couldn't do or come in a look up everything I had been saying to OP or see what sites I had been searching. It was that bad! I look back, now, and it amazes me that I was in that mental state, but the addiction had gotten a hold on me until it was my main focal point of the day.

I think a woman is either is so much denial of her own reality and she is trying to relive something through this interntet relationships that she is not getting in her own life or else it is just pure entertainment that is more important to her than her own M. Whatever it is, it is serious enough that it take over a life to the point of destroying a M. It almost happened to me. Oh sure, I had the OM on my mind at the time, but in all honesty......if it had not been him (and this was what I was thinking in the back of my mind) I could communicate with some other men. How sick is that? Pretty bad, isn't it? I don't enjoy telling that about myself, but if it can help anyone understand the mindset of someone that has gotten that addicted to that type of ......I don't know what word to use here.....ego strokes, emotional fixes or whatever word you want to give it. It is like a feel-good drug and you want to keep going back for more. That is the scary part. After a while, that isn't enough and you want to add more. I started out very innocently with just conversation with somebody chatting while we played games on line. We formed a friendship and he was not interested in anything else. But, he was funny and I looked forward to playing our favorite game every night. He would flirt but it was all in fun. He warned me not to fall for him and I thought he was arrogant b/c I was M and I wasn't going to do that! But he was filling a void in my life. When he stopped (b/c he could tell I was getting to attached to him) I felt so lonely and didn't know what was wrong with me. Then, it happened that a couple of other men came along on the same game site and I added them to my "friends list" so we could chat even if we weren't playing a game. After that, it led to other things. So, it's very dangerous and I wished I could tell others to be careful about these games where you can visit and chat while you play.

Yup. What you say, pretty much parallels my gut thoughts about my wife. She moved out, so that I couldnt see what she was doing any more, and so that I couldnt bug her about it. That was, and still is, the most important thing to her.
More important than being a person with integrity. More important than doing what is best for our children,by giving them a positive home with both their parents in it.


At any rate... still wondering what convinces a woman in that state, to stop.

Sandi, I want to give you my thoughts, hopefully helpful, on a few things you posted. Some about the differences I can imagine deal with male vs. female differences. Some comments where the feelings are the same between male and female, just according to me.

Sandi
OM would come on line and see me and tell me how beautiful I was, etc.
I am not into looks that much so I can imagine a woman telling me how intelligent or reliable I am would work. I am 6’ 3” tall and actually didn’t like people getting all enamored with my height.

I can understand a woman wanting to be told she is attractive. I see attractive women but also wonder what is special about the individual and what are they like past the beauty. Maybe your H is similar?

I was having a problem getting older and losing my looks and youth, so they were saying all the things I needed to hear
Once again looks attract but personality/compatibility is more important. To your H, maybe you are not losing your looks.

After a while....it was very addictive....just like a drug
I agree.

I sure don't want anyone to think I have backslid
I see your posts not as backsliding, but a welcome breath of honesty. I have more respect for someone that says what they really feel/think than someone giving what they think are the correct answers.

One of my semi-Christian books called people giving the right or expected answers “posers.” When working with “posers” you don’t always know where things stand. Sometimes you don’t know what works or what is a waste of time.

there are times that I feel a "pull" or temptation to just get on line to see how he is, etc
That sounds normal. I sometimes wonder how a few of my old girl friends from 1962 to 1967 are doing. I never checked, but I wonder.

he could have if he had wanted to....
Hum? I bet lots of people want the OP but I suspect most aren’t willing to take the risks to get what they at least temporally want. Wanting and doing are not close sometimes.

A man can look at porn and get excited about it or even contact a woman over the internet and do sexual things for excitement.....but I don't know that he isn't able to just forget her when it's all over.
Porn pictures are just that, visual not real or something you can have a R with.

I suppose for most people/guys, not really having a 2-way R with another person, not really having a real R, not really having something, since you didn’t have it getting over it should be easy. Short version, what you never had, you never lose. Just my opinion.

A woman starts fantasizing about the OM in her personal life and sees him as her rescue or knight in shining Armour.
A man sees a woman he can contribute happiness to and she in turn can contribute happiness to his life, I can see where a man wants to be a knight in shining Armour.

But just as I was told by some others when I first came on board, my OM has probably already went on to find his next woman that would give him the same pleasure I was giving him
He most likely did go on to someone else. Each R is different.

He has probably already forgotten about me b/c I really didn't mean anything special to him.
Sandi, here is where I disagree with you and any other woman or man that thinks women hold on to their romances and men don’t. If the OM man was of any substance, I bet he thinks about you often.

True, some guys cycle through women like a barber cutting hair in an Army Boot Camp.
I remember my Army Boot Camp experiences and hearing the word NEXT many times. To the person saying NEXT, I was just a concern of theirs for how ever long I was in their presence.

One thing I saw here on the forum was the idea that a person having an EA is most likely going to hurt their EA partner, because both persople having the EA goes through withdraw when the EA doesn’t work out.

You have experienced the withdraw, and so have others. Hugs to you ((((Sandi)))) for sharing some of your feelings and experiences. The one OM may be in withdraw mode too.

Sandi, I don’t intend to cause you to feel worse about the OM, just want to say men have feelings too.

it helps me to come here and talk about it....it kind of helps me get it out of my system and then I don't feel that temptation.
Smart move, ^5.

Lou