Mark.. I understand. I don't necessarily agree though.. and that's fine.
I'm a staunch supporter of "equal parenting" I know it's a little tongue and cheek based on what she's been doing, but I feel comfortable in letting her know. I may be enabling, but I won't feel guilty for leaving her out of something like that. It was also a reaction.. she cut her head open.. called W to let her know. My first thought was "She's going to call at 6 and we'll be at the urgent care.. need to give her a heads up."
You are probably right though.. separate lives.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not "calling you out." Merely pointing out what my reaction would have been.
Jarhead, your most recent events have got me thinking about my soon to be D status. I haven't thought about what I will do about notifications after the D, if not life threatening. (It's a fast track over here.)
Maybe my thoughts can give you some perspective one way or the other. I'm not sure which is right.
FWIW, my STBXW is a CAREER woman since she got this job. (Also where she met the original OM.) She HATES to take a day off for the kids sick, even though her company doesn't track management for sick time. She won't even stretch a vacation day, also not noticed by the company. (No big deal right, she's just motivated?)
A year ago, I was home with S3 who had the flu. S5 fell off the jungle gym at school. The nurse called me, and described the injury, (I was once a cert. EMT.) and advised that she thought it was broken. From the descript. I agreed.
I called W, and told her what the nurse said, and that I agreed. Her reply was something like " she's just a nurse, she doesn't have an X-ray or anything, it's probably just a sprain." when I told her I thought it was a greenstick too, she said someting like, "It's probably not broken, I have a meeting in 15 min, I HAVE to be there, I can't come home."
I took S3, got S5, got his arm set in a cast, (it was a greenstick,) and got home about when she did. She was upset, crying, and "I'm a bad mom, I didn't come home when my kids needed me."
In error, I comforted her and said "you're not a bad mom, I took care of it," etc.
In retrospect, I wish I had let her feel that pain and lack of commitment to her kids. It probably wouldn't have made a difference in where we are now, but I enabled her detachment from the family.
If something like that happens after our D, I will advise her, as you did, but it will be after I take care of business. After I take care of my kids.
If she wants to be a part of the "real-time" family, she can come back.
Just my take bro, I'm not criticizing here.
You did right no matter how the sit turns out. She has to know, and sooner / later is not critical.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
It's funny... I got a little of the same. When the D's were/are sick, I have the luxury of working from home. MOST of the time. I'm in sales.. I'm a techie.. Presales Engineer. If there is a customer appt, it's hard to reschedule, so I usually have to go. I had thought that the balance was good.. I was able to take the D's almost always and still get some work done. The one issue I had with this is that W always insisted if one is home then both are home. Also, if she was sick, she expected the D's to stay home. Not a good mix. She would always get mad if I had something I had to do and couldn't be home. "Your job is more important than mine."
Well.. she worked to keep herself busy. We didn't necessarily need her income. You know the drill.. I tried not to let that out, but after so many times.. after being there so many times, it just got old.
It was a respect thing.. she had no respect for me or my job.. or for what it provided.
I never once said her job was meaningless. She found a passion and I was proud of her for pursuing it and told her so. It was never enough. That pretty much summed up our marriage. No matter what I did, it was never enough.
UGH.. I'll get to that stage I'm sure. "I handled it.. it's no big deal"
To be honest though.. short of her falling with them when they were infants (individually of course) this was the first serious thing that's happened. Also.. I worried about this happening "on my watch"
Actually, you got a LOT of the same. For much of my career, I was not able to take time off at will, (literally, it's a gov't job,) and she had to more often. Transfers & etc. finally changed that, and I can now (almost always,)take any time needed. Doesn't matter, the resentment is there now.
I often heard "your job is more important than mine," and etc. Like you I was proud of her for her accomplishments and devotion, and like you I told her that. Again, doesn't matter, the resentment is there now.
I'm far from being really on top of this stuff, but you hit the nail on the head with these two,
"I never once said her job was meaningless," BUT "it was never enough."
Darn Straight. I have to say though that is part of their self esteem problem, not our jobs.
Oh, BTW, DAMN STRAIGHT I know what you're saying about it happening on our watch!!! S6 was 2 and STBXW gave him a tortilla chip over my objections, he choked, I cleared the airway. (I've been shot at and it doesn't come remotely close to being that scared!) Anyway, STBXW resents that I restrict their access to choking hazards now. (Based on age.) I'm the ogre, I don't take her opinion into account. Yeah well, not on my watch lady, with or without you.
OK, guess I'm controlling about that. Too bad. I don't let them play with my service weapon either.
Some things are gonna happen on our watch, if my childhood is any indication, (and your's too I bet.) But a lot more opportunity for trouble exists in the fairyland that our Ws live in where their attention is on chasing "Jody," and not the kids.
Our world is a lot safer than theirs.
You're doing great man.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
I'm still waiting for one of the boys to break something. It seems every time H is deployed, that happens. When he was deployed when S7 was about 18 months, he jumped off the couch & actually broke his arm! This turned out to be just the first time of 3 broken arms, however, I'm still waiting for the boom to drop this deployment
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Sounds like me!! I broke my ankle(s) 6 times in 2 years. All before the Corps of course!!
So.. W texted me at 0400 saying she wouldn't be at work.. her back is messed up. She called this morning to see if I got her message. I need to take D5 to Kindergarten and pick her up. I called her back at her place to see if I needed to take D's tonight (she's taken percoset) and she wasn't home.
Back's hurtin my ass.
Oh well.. maybe she'll get fired.
Special.. Special lady.
Oh.. and no response to email. One of the responses I expected.
Forlorn.. yet another attack on the job. I'm working from home so I MUST have all the time to run errands with D.
Mark.. I understand. I don't necessarily agree though.. and that's fine.
Jar,
If your Wife had kids and something happened wouldn't you want to be called???? You did the right thing. Separated or not that is between the adults. where the kids are involved you WILL ALWAY BE JOINED.
ya did good. I hope you /we never "detach" so far that your feeling override the right thing to do.
Husband
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
