Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H never came back from Iraq

I am more sad than angry about the whole thing most of the time. I definitely get angry at how he is treating me, and when I can't fall asleep I usually have a broken record in my head going "why??? what did I do wrong??? how can someone who prides himself on his honor break 6 years worth of promises??? how can he think all his problems will be solved if he just finds the "right" person??? can he really delude himself that badly?"

He is not on antidepressants, he would have to admit something was wrong and actually see a doctor for that to happen. I worry that the evaluator will tell him he should be, but they won't be able to force him to take them. He was going to ETS next January, but I think he is extending his contract now - despite the fact that he feels angry/betrayed/disillusioned about the military, I don't think he can see himself in a successful civilian career right now.

As for the OW, I worry that the distance might let things stagger along longer because he won't have to face her or their issues, plus with e-mail and IM and Skype they seem to talk frequently. And the longer he denies our and his problems, the worse his PTSD symptoms seem to get and the more our R deteriorates. I keep thinking if I'm patient he'll hit bottom and realize what he's doing and come to his senses, and yet things keep happening and he doesn't realize anything.

I plan on working for the state when I graduate school and take the Bar. Although that was always up for negotiation since we had talked about moving out of state eventually. After all this, I can say for sure that there's no way in hell I'm ever going near family law.

He is treating you that way because of the PTSD. Have you read much about it? What they do is push everyone out of their lives and ruin relationships. I am guessing just like my H he is acting the same way towards his friends and family. You didn't do anything. Don't blame yourself. He is not himself right now and he has to work through that. This is not your fault. I know how it feels to have no control over the situation and watch him self-destruct. The self-destruction thing is part of the PTSD too.

Maybe the evaluator will make him realize that the ADs would help. You are right, they can't make him take him...but he may listen to that suggestion coming from them. My H is the same way. He hates the military but is scared to death to get out. Have you encouraged him one way or the other?

Patience is the hardest thing to have in all of this and we just want it to be over. If you read some of other peoples posts it can give you strength and let you know that you are not alone. You can't rush it. My H said he made a mistake..but I can tell he isn't completely there. I am still keeping my distance and giving him space. Plus, he is still living with OW and I am 1000 miles away.

Let us know how you are today.

Intellectually I know he's not himself and I try to sympathize with what he's going through. I've done a lot of reading about a lot of things, including PTSD, in the last few months. I kinda wish I'd started when he got home a year and a half ago though. I noticed he was different, but I just had this unwavering confidence that we'd make it through the readjustment period and we'd settle back into being happy. And as the months went by, we were fighting less and things seemed to be getting better. What I realize now is he just was avoiding things that he felt would result in arguments because he can't handle arguing with anyone w/o all his adrenaline and battle reflexes kicking in. Looking back I also realize he was slowly shutting me out, telling me less and less, and I was busy enough with school that I didn't really notice at first. I guess by the time I did we were already on the "divorce track" in his mind. Of course, since so much of it seems to be linked to his PTSD, I don't know if my noticing would have made things better or worse or would have even mattered at all.

I have tried not to give my opinions about his career choices too much. When he first got home he couldn't wait to get out of the military and I agreed it had not treated him or us well and that I would understand if he did that. Then a few months later he started talking about officer candidate school. When he made the decision to go, I tried to support him. I'd get up early and drop him off for formations and would be waiting to pick him up when he'd get home on Sunday nights. After a few months of that he decided it was too much BS and did a drop on request. A couple months after that (after I moved out) he changed units from his infantry company to a military police company and has effectively committed himself to the military for another couple years. Plus he's going to have to take time off school to attend military training which is going to push back his graduation date yet again. Of course since he ended up dropping half his classes this semester, he's probably not on track to graduate next december anymore anyways.

As both his sister and his best friend have pointed out to me, he doesn't know what he wants, and it's not just about us. It's his entire life. He doesn't know if he wants to finish school, he doesn't know what he wants to do after school, he doesn't know what to do about the military, etc. The only thing he seems to be sure of right now is that the OW is the one thing in this world that will make him happy again (since all I've done is make him miserable - when this first started it was since he got back, then it was since I went back to school, now we're up to the entirety of our relationship practically). Yet a few months ago, when he was very drunk, he was complaining to me about the OW. I was sorta amused by the weirdness of the whole situation but I kinda wanted to shake him and point out that the majority of the time they've "been together" has been long distance and if she's already driving him batty WTF does he think is going to improve over 9 more months of long distance???

*sighs* Then last night my sister-in-law tells me that H might not be going to see OW over his winter break because his finances are too screwy. I'm not sure how to react to this. I had resigned myself to him going and had managed to see some positives in the distance. I'm kind of annoyed that I might not get a break from all the BS and drama now.

Well, enough venting for the morning. I know I have to be patient. It's just hard. Thanks for the post :-)

My H put it to me this way the other day: He said that with his separation from the military coming up he felt like he was having an identity crisis. He said since he has been in the military he has been told where to live, what to wear, what to think, how to act, etc. He says now suddenly he is going to have complete freedom and it scares him and he doesn't have a clue what to do. Sounds like your H feels the same way. He doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. Something my T told me was that H forgot who he was through all of this (war/military). She had me write down things about him and then tell him in one of our sessions. She said I needed to remind him of who he is. Something to think about since your H seems the same. Don't be pushy though. I gave H a letter reminding him of things about himself and his personality. I think it helped as he was having this "identity crisis".

It sounds like you are handling things good. You seem calm about things. I would not have been able to listen to H talk about OW even if he was complaining about her. I lost it when I found out he was living with her. Lost it. I have a question...why did you move out if he asked for the S?

OW isn't going to make him happy. In fact, YOU aren't going to make him happy. That is something he has to do on his own. He has issues he needs to work out. In the meantime, work on yourself. Go out and have fun. If you truly are tired of the drama, then don't contact him. If he contacts you then make it short. Hang up with him first. If you don't want to answer then don't. Don't feed into the drama. Don't let him suck you into an argument. I think the arguing kind of justifies to them what they are doing.

I don't think things will last with OW very long. Even if your H has latched onto her and she is comfort right now for him...she is a long way away. I think SHE will get tired of it. She is young and will probably decide she doesn't want to be tied down with someone so far away. Just try not to focus on that situation.

Sounds like you are on good terms with his family and friends. Could any of them suggest Counseling or ADs for him? Would he listen?

re: listening to H talk about OW - it helped that I was working on being drunk as well. However, despite his claims that I don't listen to him and he can't talk to me, we have never hidden our past relationships and I have never been a jealous person. Other than H, people tell me I am a wonderful, non-judgmental listener. It is definitely harder with him because of the emotional issues, but I figure since he's only barely letting me be his friend, I have to try and maintain that.

I moved out because our lease was up and we had to move by August 2nd anyways. We were going to move to Davis together to he could be closer to school and not have a long commute (since his deployment he has found driving extremely stressful and I would describe him as an extremely aggressive and unpredictable driver). Plus most of our friends live in Davis.

So, when he asked for a separation, I moved back home for a month and we broke the lease we had signed together.

Plus I would come home from work to see that she had been there and would flip out (he was only working about 15-20 hours a week even up until he lost his job) and she has never had a job in her life so far as I can tell so they both had WAY too much free time. Oh, and he couldn't be over at her place because she lived with four other girls, including her sister, who all knew H was married and thought it was strange that they hung out and studied together etc.

I am on good terms with most of his family and friends. When I found out his sister knew about the affair I kind of flipped out at her briefly. But she flat-out told me that she would never tattle on her brother, plus she only knew for a couple days and didn't have time to figure out how to handle it. Then she told me him being an a$$ doesn't change anything with us and I'll always be family as far as she was concerned. Having siblings myself, I understood her point and had to agree with her. I also still talk to my MIL regularly.

Ironically, I am on far better terms with everyone than he is, which is yet another thing he is mad at me about. A few of them have asked H about counseling and have also gotten told off. So no one is bringing it up anymore out of fear that he will stop talking to them.

As for OW, my friends and I actually have bets going for how long they will last and who will break it off. A large number of them predict things will blow-up in the next month because she will cheat on him. Considering before they "committed" to each other and he told me he couldn't sleep with me anymore she was also sleeping with another guy...not exactly model behavior.

I have heard the driving thing is bad for a lot of them. H had even told me that right when he got back and they had mentioned it in one of the readjustment meetings. Triggers some memories for them.

When is his evaluation? We are in a better position than most because we can go through their commanders for things like that. I wouldn't think they would let him recommit to any time until they are sure he has worked through issues. I guess every commander and branch is different though. If they evaluate him though they may require ADs and counseling. Sounds like he is very defensive so probably best for you and his family to leave that alone.

His sister was put in a bad situation. I am not sure what I would do myself. One thing I can tell you from my experience is don't bad mouth him to much to your friends. Vent here and to maybe one or two close friends. The problem is that if he decides to reconcile...it is hard for them to forgive. You love him and you would want to work things out. All they see is the hurt that he put you through and don't want you to go through that again. No one understands until they have been through it...nor do they know what they would do in your situation.

I think everything will blow up with OW pretty quick. I also predict her "cheating" (its hard to call it that!) on him. You really do sound like you are doing great, and you should be proud of yourself.

With a couple of exceptions, all my friends have been very careful to say they will support me no matter what I decide. There are only a few people I am talking to regularly because most of my friends are not married and they don't understand.

As for his evaluation, I don't know. I tried to ask him about it a couple times and he'd just go off swearing about it, how it's all BS, how there's nothing wrong with him, how it's a bunch of PC/pussy/whiney crap, and would never tell me when it's going to happen. I guess I can call his commander and ask. Problem is, his commander doesn't know me like his old one did since he's new to the unit. And also, I'm not sure how much his commander believes anything is wrong because he doesn't know how much H has changed either. Plus his commander might tell him I've been calling and H would see that as checking up on him and flip out at me.

I might just leave it alone for a little while. Maybe check back with the commander in a couple of weeks. Make it clear to him that you are worried about H but you think it would only hurt things if he knew it was you that brought it up. They will respect your wishes on that. Make sure the new commander knows how he has changed. Make sure he knows you don't think he is stable.

Is there any chance of him getting deployed again? Did you say he is in the reserves? What branch? Has there been any contact with H? I know you said he gave you his new cell number.

He shouldn't be deployed again anytime soon. Of course as crazy as he's been acting I wouldn't put it past him to volunteer just to get away from his problems.

We are still sorting through some of our stuff, so I guess I have reasons to talk to him. He did give me his new cell and our e-mails are the same. I've been trying to let him make contact though and he's not. The apology I got was after I sent him an IM saying "good luck" with his midterms and he started chatting, then 20 min in he worked up to the apology. We haven't talked since, the only contact we've had was an e-mail he sent asking me for the video camera.

I don't want to contact him about possessions because it all too often leads to discussions of the R and that leads to fights. I definitely agree with a lot of the posts I've read about how the WAS starts fights in order to justify leaving. I've been trying not to let myself get dragged into them, have been better about saying things like "I don't want to talk to you unless you have something nice to say."

On the other hand, I really do want my Christmas ornaments so my roommate and I can set up our Christmas tree. Plus I do want to see him as long as we are getting along. But it seems like every time we talk or spend more than 30 min together he wants to talk about the summary dissolution. He's brought it up twice now and every time turns into a huge fight because he won't accept that I won't sign it. Lol. I guess I answered my own question - don't spend more than 30 min together.

I guess I need to reevaluate my goals. Especially if he is around over winter, I can use the break from school to really focus on DBing. I guess goals would be talking 1-2 times a week briefly and keeping the conversations fun. I would definitely see it as a positive step if he contacted me even if over e-mail or IM (which I see as being pretty enh compared to phone or in person).

Michelle,
As soon as all this started between H and I, he started talking about volunteering for another deployment...so be prepared for that possibility. Like you said he may just want to get away from his problems.

I probably wouldn't bring up posessions at this point unless you are worried about stuff or there are things you want now. If you want the Christmas stuff, then go get it. Just be cheery and happy when you do it. No R talk. No OW talk. No fighting. You say you want a break from the drama, so that should be easy.

I wouldn't sign anything either. I asked H just to wait, give it some time and think about it and if he still felt the same way in a few months I would sign. He said no, he was 100% sure he wanted a D and time wasn't going to make any difference. Although, in Texas it didn't matter if I signed or not. D was supposed to be final Nov. 13th. We didn't fight about posessions becuase he was so ready for it to be over that if I wanted it he gave it to me. That just shows how they can change on a dime, and you shouldn't give up if you want it to work out. I had accepted it, and was trying to move on. You can't imagine the shock when he told me he had made a mistake.

Any contact is good if you aren't fighting, email, IM, phone, whatever. Maybe IM and email give you time to think about what you are going to say. At first I found it very difficult to have a conversation with H. Seemed like the only thing to talk about was R and it was so hard not to go there...and I often did. T told me to treat him like a first date or a friend I was just getting to know.