Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? H never came back from Iraq

H was deployed to Iraq with an infantry battalion. We were separated for 16 months other than brief visits when he was given leave. We talked daily on IM and via e-mail and occasionally he was able to call me. Things seemed okay the first half of his deployment, but shortly before he came home he started become more unpredictable, angry, demanding, and irrational. Since his return, his behavior has generally gotten worse. In June, he started a physical affair. When I found out, I flipped, ranted, raved, screamed, cried, stopped eating, lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep, and was generally devastated. I moved in with my parents for a month starting July 28 (3 days before our third anniversary - we did go out to dinner on our anniversary though).

I am now living with a girlfriend and mostly settled. I went to see a counselor a couple times, didn't really get much out of it. H refuses any counseling, whether MC, depression, or for post-traumatic stress disorder (which I, his friends, and family all agree he has, but he absolutely refuses to believe anything is wrong with him). I have stopped bringing it up and even apologized for doing so. He was surprised and pleasant about it, even admitted he shows some symptoms, but wants to handle it himself.

I have been trying to see H regularly to grab dinner and hang out, tried to keep the conversations light and friendly, and be generally supportive of him and ignore the OW. This has been easy as she is now in Manchester til June and I don't actually have any chance of running into her around town. However, he told me that "the cheating has to stop somewhere" and cut off our sexual relationship completely right before I moved out.

He also asked me to sign a summary dissolution (kind of a uncontested divorce in California) and FLIPPED out when I refused. Accused me of doing it to make him miserable and drag this out, refused to listen when I said it was only because I don't believe in divorce and can't sign it on principle. Also won't admit that he can file for divorce without my signature, it'll just be more money and work for him. He hasn't spoken to me since that argument 2 weeks and 2 days ago. He told me not to contact him. I don't know what to do! I know a lot of his anger is irrational and try not to take it personally, but how can I show my love/support when he won't even talk to me!?!

Hi - sorry to see you here! You're in a good place though. It seems like you are doing really well considering how "new" this all is.

I also wanted to say hi because you're in my town! I'm not actually in Sacramento, but nearby in Carmichael. So hi, neighbor!

If you're interested at all some of us from California (or traveling here) are getting together in Sonoma on 12/8. You can look in the "Just for Fun" forum if you have any interest in going. The DB meetups always seem to be a great opportunity to get out and hang out with like-minded people for awhile.

I certainly don't feel like I'm doing very well, but thanks for the vote of confidence. Although I wish the circumstances were different, it's nice to meet someone local.

I have a friend's birthday that day, so can't make Sonoma even though it sounds fun. But I'm probably only 10/15 min away from you, so we should do something local sometime.

I know what you mean, meet some great people here but I hate the circumstances that we meet under. You sound very calm and collected given everything you've been through.

Yes, it'd be fun to get together sometime! If you'd like, feel free to email me (the PM 'feature' doesn't work on this site for some odd reason). Just string all this together and substitute the @ sign:

nikki
b
at
surewest
.net

(sorry to write it out weird, I'm "hiding" from google.. hope it makes sense)

Your husband being in the military and in California you are eligible to part of his retirement. Don't sign anything without a lawyer, even with 6 years California will grant you a part of his 20 year retirement. Some states don't unless you have at least 10 years but California and a few other states are different. Your husband probably knows this and wants you to sign the paper hoping you are stupid enough to sign it. You also can get him in trouble for his affair.

His AIM away message Friday said he was off to see the lawyers, so I guess I should too. I have a friend from law school whose mother is a family law attorney, will consult with her. I don't plan on signing anything though and I won't let him bully/manipulate me into doing so. It's just rough because my refusing is causing our R to further deteriorate. *sighs* I also realize that I could get him into trouble, but don't want to burn any bridges since he'd never forgive me for getting him in trouble.

Sorry you are here. I did a tour over there with infranty as a medic in 04-05. Sorry this happened.

Not knowing the dynamics or qualified to give good advice all I can say is the same rules apply as if he was an accountant. If he wants the D then he does the work. Do not make it easy for him.

Combat rocks your world. Some of us are better some of us worse. Get the Divorce Remedy book and read it. Keep venting and posting here.

Best wishes

This happened to my mother after 18 years of marriage so now his third wife gets that retirement!!! Not my mom because she signed that paper. my brother is a lawyer and thinks she should contest it based on limited English and have my Dad reverse it but not to let him know about the statute of limitations. Who knows? Ugh. Sorry to hear you cannot make it to Sonoma. You sound like you will do well and there is a lot of hope left so do not give up hope. That is one of the best things about DB is that it is like a science and it takes time but we are all better off knowing that it is a common and predictable pattern of human nature and most importantly that we are not alone.

Well, he apologized for the cruel remarks he messaged me the last time we talked and we're sorta half speaking again. I'm happy about the apology, but at the same time it doesn't even begin to cover the list of things he needs to apologize for.

He gave me his new cell phone number (he was on a family plan with me, my sister, and my father), so he's not completely avoiding me. However, the only reason he really called was to ask to borrow the camcorder. Considering what I suspect he wants to do with it, I wasn't terribly thrilled about it and said that since I'm in the middle of finals and am still unpacking from moving I don't really have time to find all the pieces of it.

I found out from a mutual friend that he bought his tickets to go and see the OW from December 15th to January whatever. Since he lost his job back in September I don't know how he paid for that, credit card probably. I guess I just have to see what happens with that. Hopefully it's not all he's hoping for. And hopefully he misses me.

And hopefully my life will be drama-free while he is out of the country. I guess if nothing else it buys me some time since I doubt he's actually going to get papers filed and served before he leaves since he has finals as well. I get that part of the reason he's so set on getting divorced right now is his guilt, so I keep hoping I can wait the OW out and then he'll be more receptive to reconciling. I hope.

That totally sucks. I guess it really is important to get a lawyer to look out for you. Well, it is one of the things on my to-do list over winter break from grad school.

I wish I'd known about DB when all this happened. It took me months to find Michele's books and this site. I feel like I made too many mistakes in the interim since I also did all the common and predictable and unhelpful patterns of human nature. And it makes me sad that this is so common and predictable. But it is nice not to be alone.