Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? new here. Feel like dying

Today marks one month since he moved out.
It's gone by quick! I've learned a lot in this one month. I can't say that I've changed, because I don't think my heart is still in a good place, but I'm willing to make changes neccessary. I think he is too.
Wow, what a month of emotions. I've gone from greif to anger to confusion to contentment back to anger to sadness, etc...But, I think, no I KNOW, I'm stronger now than when I started.

I start to, and then get angry that he is so defined by his job that I have to have a book to understand him.
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nothing wrong with that, I sure wish I would've read a few books out there, maybe things wouldnt' have gone the way they did in my M, there are some awesome books to take advantage of.

Yes, it is cycle, but with time, the acceptance part will b a much bigger part than the anger and grief sections, it will be a rollercoaster, and it is to be expected.

O.K. Needing a place to vent...
H went again to his IC appt. yesterday. He called to tell me how "wonderful" she is. I asked what they talked about, and he said, "She told me that our problems are marriage-ending problems. She said that even if we worked through these problems, more are going to happen. She said that I need to accept the fact that my wife might not change, and that my marriage may end. She said that if we don't change, our marriage will be over, because our problems are marriage-ending."

WTF?? She told him in his first appt that she is NOT a mc. She said that counseling couples is not her strong point. WHY is she even giving him marriage advice?? She's supposed to be doing ic with him, not mc! She also told him that his "conditions" were perfectly acceptable, and that he definately SHOULD NOT move back home.

She's NOT pro-marriage, she's NOT a Christian counselor. She's someone who only cousels cops. Likely, she mainly counsels things like PTSD. She is giving terrible advice.

Now, here's my problem. I want to tell h these things...

1.I want to tell him that his counselor is not pro-marriage, that our problems are NOT marriage-ending problems, and that she needs to NOT be giving him marriage advice.

2.I want to tell him that I noticed the internet history on our computer had an awful LOT of porn last week. Not that I'm too bothered by that, but part of me is for some reason...

3.I want to tell him that I also noticed our google history, and that he was googing OW's name, nickname, and email.

4.I want to tell him that I like his new haircut, but I'm bothered because his best friends wife told him to do it, and I've been telling him for years. (For some reason, he places a lot of value on what she suggests for him. It's just a wierd thing that bothers me).

So, instead of telling him all these things, which I kNOW would be counter-productive, I stew...then I'm a bitch...and we argue.

Last night we had an arguement. I wasn't terribly nice, but I'm so pent up with all of the above and then some...I don't know how to get rid of it!!

I want him to quit spending the night at home. I told him he should go home (to where he's staying) last night, and he told me that this is HIS house too! That was about 3 hours after he told me that it's again my responsibility to mow the lawn, because he doesn't live there anymore.

Venting here helps...a little.

That's scary that they let people like that work with cops, what a quack of a C!! how awful. Apparently he's been telling him "his"side of the story and is happy to hear what he wants to hear from her. You have all the right to tell him, in a calm manner, that you dont' think this C is helping you both, that if he's willing to work on this M that you both can find a new C together.

About telling him about the google history, DON'T do it, it only backfired on me, trust me, nothign good will come off, you will be accused of controlling him, of snooping, of smothering him and violating his privacy.
He isn't in the right frame of mind, and since right now he has you pegged as "unstable" then he will listen to others, (haircut), don't let that get to you.

I do think from time to time about a lot of stuff that went on when my H was seeing ow, but bringing it up will only darken the waters, I would get it off my chest but at what price? it is hard not to stew about it, but think of it like this "is the hill I want to die on?" somethings arent' worth your time.

If he insists in staying, just go about your business, heck , now and then go out for coffee and he can stay with the kids then. Let the lawn reach virgin forest status and dont' mow it, if he likes it trimmed he can do it.

i think you are frustrated, because you dont have a plan, and you dont know what to do, but you believe that doing nothing, is bad.




I think that you should do that... yet, mainly stick to the points of, "she's not qualified to give marriage advice: she's not a marriage counsellor, she admits she's not a marriage counsellor, so what she says about it is irrelevant, and actually harmful ."
It would be like seeing a podiatrist (foot specialist) about a problem with your brain/head.
If you have a problem with your brain, it makes sense to go talk to a neurologist(?) about it.

side comment: In some ways, what you found on the computer, is "good". it means that he's THINKING about doing other stuff, rather than having actually done it yet. So.. dont confront him about it. just let it go.

(you might wanna give him more frequent sex, though, to alleviate the porn thing.)

That may not be a good thing to say to the WAS. It basically invalidates their feelings no matter how wrong you think they feel. The thing is there are marriages that survive with so called "marriage-ending" problems, and there are marriages that falls apart on the smallest and stupidest things. It really all depends on the people involved. What to you may seem trivial can be huge to the WAS. When you tell them what they think is wrong you are just pushing them further away. You will not convince them to agree with you right now. You can say, I know so and so and they are so much worse off than we are and they survived, so why can't we. Your WAS will say, well, we are not them. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. :P They'll only think differently when they want to.

Good point, Dave.
What is probably best to focus on, is that the IC is wrong, because they are not compentent when it comes to marriages. Someone with actual marriage counselling experience, would have a more relevant and valid opinion.

I'm sure he's telling "his side of the story" to his ic. What she needs to realize is that she's only hearing his side of the story. She also needs to re-direct to the ic and not the marriage. But, h really likes her and says that the mc we've been seeing off and on for 5 years is completely incompetant compared to this lady. It bugs me that I'll never get to meet with her.

As for the sex to alleviate the need for porn...I thought I had that taken care of. I looked at the date on the computer and specifically remember that night. He came over, but didn't come to bed for a couple hours. And, when he did...well he wanted to bring out the toys and everything. Now I know why. We're actually having more sex now than when we lived together...something I wouldn't mind putting an end to. It's enjoyable and all, but I feel a little used afterwards. You know like he's getting what he wants, but without the commitment. But, I also don't want him looking elsewhere. And, I think that maybe, he'll feel some sort of connection and realize what he may lose. Wishful thinking?

That is because this IC
1. doesn't know the whole story since he's only telling his side. 2. Isn't making him owning up to his responsibilities like your MC was probably doing.

I remember going to MC a long time ago and always feel like I'm being ganged up by my W and the MC. Maybe the MC is incompetant, maybe not. But I'm sure he doesn't want to deal with anything to do with what he messed up in the M. He's most likely pointing fingers at you and blaming everything on you. And I'm sure the IC is validating everything he's saying most likely. People always prefer others that agree with them.

i think you should stop right there, personally.
She "doesnt need to realize" anything. Even if she did.. she's not an MC. (obviously, she sucks at it )
It's your husband that needs to have a clearer head, and go to the appropriate person for the problems at hand.






Weeeell... then there's something you can do.
Find out what he does not like about your old MC.
Find out what he likes about his current IC, apart from "she makes him feel good". Then, look for a new MC, with those things in mind.





Speaking as someone who previously used porn a lot that could actually be seen as a "good" thing. or at least, better than the alternatives.
if he was using the porn as a substitute for you (ie, actually mb'ing to it), that would be the worst case.

Given that he apparently is "only" using it to get excited... that is better on the danger-to-relationship scale, IMO.

Best case, of course, would be if he dropped the porn altogether, and completely focused on you for his sexual needs.

At some point in the future, when and if you actually cared... you might inquire of him what he gets out of looking at the porn, and what might entice him to START with you, as well as "finish" with you.

and/or, take a look at the porn sites he looks at, and try to figure out what pushes his buttons yourself.

Sometimes, its just a pure fantasy trip, and it would be dangerous to make yourself a part of the fantasy. But other times, there may be something there that you could fulfil yourself.