Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Seperated

On the 13 October my h informed me that he loves me but is no longer in love with me! 16 years together in total - 5 years married and a 9 month old baby. And then came the needing space. So many lies before this. I believed all the going to work early and working late excuses. Totally out of character for him to lie. He then left 2 days later and we have been separated since. Why did I not see the obvious signs???? Hiding the cellphone, strange working hours, obsession with girl at work - because I trusted him. Since all of this I have discovered that he had been smsing her before and after work and all weekend. I went through the world ending feeling...why me?...this happens with other guys not mine etc. He replaced me before he left me. Problem is he is not admitting anything other than he feels nothing for me. He no longer phones or sends texts, he does not even talk to me when he visits d. He has completely shut me off. when we do speak he just gets angry with me and blames me for this happening.This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I don't even know where he is staying. I read divorce busting and would love to give him the section on illusions leading to dis-solutions but I don't know if he would even read it. We are going to counselling, second counsellor - first was a disaster felt more like divorce counselling. I am going to counselling to try repair our marriage and he is going so he can make an informed decision about whether to divorce or not. Two months ago he pretended to be happy and we were planning our lives together and now he has gone. I don't want to lose him but I already have.

The waiting is the most painful part. I know no one who is divorced and have only married friends which makes it harder because everywhere I look are couples. He has surrounded himself with bachelor friends and younger girls. Please any advice would be great to help make me stronger. I have surprised myself that I can actually survive without him but it is still a hard journey.

Right now, he's incapable of making a rational, informed decision. He's on a hormone induced "high", of infatuation with this new woman.



Hmm.. and maybe with a touch of MLC thrown in for taste.



I'm sorry you're going through this.
One month after he moved out, it's about the worst time.
Hang in there. Try not to be "reactive". Stay as calm as you can manage,and realize that if you want to save your marriage, you probably have a long, difficult battle ahead of you. at least a few months.

To go with the DB mantra of "go with what works, stop what doesnt work"...

lets see what is working and not working:



Maybe your immediate short-term goal, should be to not try to talk to him for a few weeks. and try to avoid arguing.
[which is not the same as AGREEING with everything he says. just, try to avoid arguing over things, perhaps?]
Seems like talking to him, is definately on the list of "doesnt work", for right now.


PS: two more things:

- please post more details about you two. and,
- dont try to give him any books or stuff like that, right now.

doesnt sound like he's in any frame of mind to rationally read anything right now. it would only aggravate him more.

I am so sorry. I usually post on Infidelity but your post caught my eye. Wow, the things that happened to you (cell phone, bachelor friends, shutting you out) really hits home for me. I agree with Dom (he is brilliant, take any advice he gives), don't give him any books, those are for you, to help you. And no begging, pleading, or R talks. I don't see the counseling being a success for him right now, as he is so shut off and in a fog. Keep us posted. Try to take your alone time with your baby and enjoy it, I love that age!

your story so very similar to mine, though the ow did come later but my H moved out in secret all the while fooling me

I have surprised myself that I can actually survive without him but it is still a hard journey.
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That's HALF the battle!!! trust me, it took me months to come to that conclusion, I just wanted to die or was holding my breath 'til my H would come around "any day now"... it took 8mths.

Limbo is sickening and disheartening, please see a T on your own asides from MC, it's good that, in any capability, he is going to MC, my H also went after he left the home, if only to fill the requisites for D, not much was solved during C, the only good thing was that he stopped separation papers, that I'll say.

I also agree with Dom, sounds like good ol' MLC, they want' to live it out, go out there, get a new wardrobe, hang out with single guys, BTDT. It is very hard, the first months, because the WAS is blind to any reason. The ow "drug" or "crutch" has them blind. THe ow is not a dejection of you as a person, it is his inability to cope with his depression or whatever isn't working for him, it is just infatuation for the novelty of a new R, all is new, him and ow see themselves in their best light, so all is nice and great.
Reality will set in time, MLC has to carry its course, it is hard to wait but that is the reality of things. In the meantime, GAL, focus on you and baby and decide each day to be happy for YOU and baby)))))))))))))))))) hang in there, you can make it .

well, I wouldnt quite go that far. Seems like there is usually SOME issues or two between the two people, even in very clear-cut MLC+affair spouses.
In sideswiped's case, the obvious guess, is that the trigger was the new baby, in one way or another. The usual thing is to focus too much on the baby, and not enough on each other.
babies can trigger MLC and/or affair, for very different reasons.
Spousal focus on baby instead of partner, triggers desires to look elsewhere, sometimes for affairs.
New responsability for baby, can trigger reflective look upon self, and thus sometimes an MLC (I'm a PARENT now?? I'm not ready for this/cant handle it, ....)

TO put it another way: I think that affairs are triggered by lack of something from outside oneself. WHereas MLCs are triggered by lack of something from inside.

(unfortunately, an affair can seem to, temporarily at least, meet both "problems"; by providing external 'validation' for the person having problems)

Dealing with an cheating spouse with an MLC, is double bad news;
Firstly, it doesnt mean that you have no work to do "on you".
The second hit, is that even if you DO clean up all the stuff on "your side"... your spouse may be too self-absorbed to care at this point.

It's not 100% clear that her H is actually in MLC. it may be that he just has re-worked his circle of friends, to those who support him doing something completely imoral and selfish.
Those kind of people, tend to be "bachelor friends and younger girls", too.

There arent too many people over 30, comparatively speaking, that support that sort of thing. Most people over 30, seem to be a lot more in favour of concepts like fidelity, responsability, etc.

In comparison, there seems to be a whole lot of people under/at 30, with no moral standards these days, and just a "whatever makes you happy" attitude.

Thanks for all the support. It is hard to hear that this is only the beginning even though I know it is. The ow happens to have the same interests as my H and he is almost living his dreams through her. I thought in the beginning that it was just an EA but now I don't know. When I confronted him he told me he was not talking to her because I made him feel guilty, now he has said she is one of his closest friends and is helping him through this.

You are 100% correct, he is not in the right frame of mind to look at anything I give him. He has stated that he would like to be a bachelor and live alone because he never did. Sounds like an identity crisis or MLC. Life is difficult with a new baby but I thought things were finally settling down and then he checks out!

Hardest thing at this point is not knowing where he is and what he is doing and infidelity is my biggest fear. 16 years together and he managed to be faithful for 15. It is also hard to understand how someone who has loved for so long, would have done anything for me, cried at our wedding...now has no feelings or concern for me at all.

W-31
H-34
Together-16 Married 5
D- 10 months old
Bomb- 13 Oct 07
Separated- 15 Oct

Earlier I said biggest fear was infidelity...equal to that is divorce. What do I do if he says he wants a D ?

Most people who have affairs, end up in that way. Or the always popular, "i love you but i'm not 'in love' with you".

It's how he feels now. it doesnt have to be how he feels for the rest of his life.



Say that you dont, if you dont want one.
Simple as that. Common wisdom is to not try to "argue him out of it", if he is clearly still involved with this other woman. If his mind is made up to go be with this other woman, than nothing you say is going to have any effect other than to frustrate him and make him feel like you are "the enemy", and "trying to stop him be happy".

Without trying to put specific words in your mouth.. generally, the idea is to let him takes the steps to pursue a divorce, if thats what he really wants.

Not help him. Just recognize that if he wants a divorce, then (with the exception of some states), he can file a divorce, and there's nothing you can do to "stop" him.

It's a tough realization to make. But, it's an important one. It helps deal with things down the road, to accept that you dont control him, and that right now, he's making choices that are very hurtful to you, and there's nothing you can do about it.

You can only endure, and try not to take them too personally.
(that's called "detaching". which is not the same as "giving up")

Had the most terrible day today. Opened my h's cell phone bill. There it was again. very little of my number and over 1000 text messages to his ow. So I decided to confront him on this but not in a confrontational manner. sounds strange I know.I brought it up in counselling and said that I had to get it of my chest that I knew about his relationship but not in an attacking manner and with no tears. I just went through what it felt like to see the bill and to let him know that I knew. Told him hardest part is that he replaced me before he worked out the door and that he sent messages while i was asking him for help with our baby and while he lay next to me in bed. He looked incredibly shocked and guilty. He said he had finally found a really good friend and he did not want to tell me cos i would stop his friendship.

Now in all honesty one does not leave ones wife for a "best" friend or send 40-50 text messages to someone you work with all day. After c he told me he despised me and i did not reply.

Now after reading many posts i wonder why i put myself through the waiting and the game. He told me again that he does not love me but cares for me as I am the mother of his child.... Most of the posts describe that people get back together only to separate a couple of months or years later. Why must I endure this twice and why should my daughter??? I know someone might say because it could work out but once someone has cheated whether it be EA or physical and they have chosen to leave for that person how can true trust ever be regained?

Every day I feel differently and I loved him to bits, I still cannot believe he has done this as I always thought we would be together forever and never to part!

basically, seems like he is just playing at counselling, and will say whatever he thinks it will take, to make the counsellor not label him "the bad guy". But outside of counselling, he has no problems being the bad guy, in his heart.

He sounds like a little child, smiling and saying, "I didnt MEAN to hurt my sister..." in front of the parents, but when they're gone, saying "I hate you" to her.

[why is he even going, really?]




not sure what posts YOU are talking about. but I've heard of the phenomenon.

it happens when people think "ok, glad THAT's over".. and just go back to old habits when "the crisis is over". Kinda like people going on crash diets, to lose [some number of pounds]... being happy for a while... but eventually putting it all back on again, when they stop the crazy diet.

The positive relationship will only come back, and STAY back... when the people involved make a decision to do what it takes to nurture their relationship, for /the rest of their lives/.

In every situation i've read about separation afterwords, it has always been, "... and things were great. but then we stopped doing [the things that made us happy together], and ended up in a mess again".

So.. simple solution. Keep doing the things that make you happy together

Once you can find them, that is.



trust can be regained. If you love someone, you will find yourself willing to give them another chance. The only question is whether they care enough to try to rebuild it.