Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Better late than never?

Dude, I only wish I could be as lucky as you. Keep fighting the good fight.

Thanks cat, Lauren is especially a sucker for flowers. I think this Thursday may be the time to try it.

This weekend turned out very interesting. Like most of your threads, I've entered the Twilight Zone.

Friday night we were supposed to go dancing, but she was feeling bad again. We went shopping instead, turned out to be a lot of fun. First, a beauty supply store where she made a very sexy and surprising purchase, and then a grand opening for a new grocery store. We had a fun dinner at home and went to bed early.

Saturday, she still had a bad headache, and said she wanted to stay in and watch movies all day. Sounded great to me, and I went for a long run with the dog, picked up three movies and food for lunch. We had a great time, especially with the movie "License to Wed". Romantic movies can be awkward, especially since this one is a funny take on pre-marital counseling. I didn't know how it would work in our current sitch, but we both enjoyed it. Baked a cake together and called it a night.

The entire day OM was bugging her, texting and calling. Again she complained to me about him. Again, wanted to say "what the heck did you expect", but stayed compassionate and validating.

Sunday morning, she said she wanted a pregnancy test. Say what? How would I feel if she were pregnant? I responded with the truth: "Well, I'd hope it was mine". She didn't like that. Yes, we've been ML a lot, but I don't know how far it went with OM (I know a lot more than she thinks, did some e-mail snooping). She asked how I would feel if she was active with someone else, and I responded that I would be sad for her, because I know these guys and what they're after. She seemed to like that response. The more I think about it and talk to others, my wife is having the rebellious teenage deal that she never had. She'd been making a lot of comments during our marriage, like "I should've had more fun in college like everyone else." Well, now she's having it, and it's not what she hoped.

We went and got the test, it was negative. Strangely, I felt sad, and she noticed and asked me about it. I told her yes, I'm sad, because for the first time in my life I feel ready for something like that. I have a great job with great benefits for her and a potential kid, have a financial planner, getting counseling for myself.

So, I guess the GAL and working on myself is working. I went out with some friends and watched football Sunday night, and I'm going to leave W alone until Thursday, when we get ready to go camping this weekend.

Here's a funny quote as I walked out the door, told her my plans for the next few days.

W: "I can't picture you doing that"
Me: "There's a lot about me you don't know"
W: "You sound like one of those women trying to be mysterious"

I just left it at that:) She called late last night, and we had a great talk. Another good sign. Things seem to be turning, but they could turn back just as quick. I'm finally getting to the point where her crazy antics don't affect me that much, which feels good.

Thanks for listening,
Jon

Thanks cat, Lauren is especially a sucker for flowers. I think this Thursday may be the time to try it.

This weekend turned out very interesting. Like most of your threads, I've entered the Twilight Zone.

Friday night we were supposed to go dancing, but she was feeling bad again. We went shopping instead, turned out to be a lot of fun. First, a beauty supply store where she made a very sexy and surprising purchase, and then a grand opening for a new grocery store. We had a fun dinner at home and went to bed early.

Saturday, she still had a bad headache, and said she wanted to stay in and watch movies all day. Sounded great to me, and I went for a long run with the dog, picked up three movies and food for lunch. We had a great time, especially with the movie "License to Wed". Romantic movies can be awkward, especially since this one is a funny take on pre-marital counseling. I didn't know how it would work in our current sitch, but we both enjoyed it. Baked a cake together and called it a night.

The entire day OM was bugging her, texting and calling. Again she complained to me about him. Again, wanted to say "what the heck did you expect", but stayed compassionate and validating.

Sunday morning, she said she wanted a pregnancy test. Say what? “How would I feel if I were pregnant?” I responded with the truth: "Well, I'd hope it was mine". She didn't like that. Yes, we've been ML a lot, but I don't know how far it went with OM (I know a lot more than she thinks, did some e-mail snooping). She asked how I would feel if she was active with someone else, and I responded that I would be sad for her, because I know these guys and what they're after. I don’t want to see her get hurt like that. She seemed to like that response. The more I think about it and talk to others, my wife is having the rebellious teenage period that she never had. She'd been making a lot of comments during our marriage, like "I should've had more fun in college like everyone else." Well, now she's having it, and it's not what she hoped.

We went and got the test, it was negative. Strangely, I felt sad, and she noticed and asked me about it. I told her yes, I'm sad, because for the first time in my life I feel ready for something like that. I have a great job with great benefits for her and a potential kid, have a financial planner, getting counseling for myself.

So, I guess the GAL and working on myself is working. I went out with some friends and watched football Sunday night, and I'm going to leave W alone until Thursday, when we get ready to go camping this weekend.

Here's a funny quote as I walked out the door, telling her my plans for the next few days.

W: "I can't picture you doing that"
Me: "There's a lot about me you don't know"
W: "You sound like one of those women trying to be mysterious"

I just left it at that She called late last night, and we had a great talk. Another good sign. Things seem to be turning, but they could turn back just as quick. I'm finally getting to the point where her crazy antics don't affect me that much, which feels good.

Thanks for listening,
Jon

Just wanted to pop over and say hi. Thanks for the post on my page. :-)

Sounds like you are very motivated and she is wavering a lot. I'm glad to see you found the DR and DB books and this site so quickly, I wish I had.

I don't know if I could be as cool with my H's OW calling/texting while I was around, so kudos to you.

Good luck!

jon,

Thanks for your posts. You are giving me a great deal of hope here. Things have been pretty tough for me since the holidays which was when I got the ILYBNINLY. I pray for your success and that a little of it rubs off on me.

"Never give up." -words to live by

Yes, it is a strange deal, but this article helped me a lot. It's been exactly what happened to me, now she's complaining to me about OM! Unconditional friendship seems to be working, but I can't continue like this forever.

http://divorcebusting.com/a_while_spouse_decides.htm

Lol yeah, my H was complaining to me about OW one night about 4 months ago when we had dinner and were drinking. I'm not sure I could have handled that conversation sober though.

That's a good article. I'd read it before, it is definitely inspiring to re-read.

Hope you are having a good week.

Well, the roses worked! She was very excited and said "haven't gotten any of those in a long time". Little does she know, that's because I've been DBing and not pursuing for a while. We stayed in for dinner and watched "Shakespeare in Love" on the new iTunes movie rentals. Very cool.

I did some e-mail snooping and found this message to OM:
"Thanks for the sexy text yesterday, I still don't think it's a good idea for me right now, but thank you."

That ticked me off. And she's complaining he won't leave her alone? My wife isn't like this, and hopefully she'll come out of it.

Later we had an interesting conversation, after ML went very, very well.

Me: That's a good sign
W: Of what?
Me: That you're more relaxed
W: Then why do you have your wedding ring on?
- this was really just an accident, I put it on earlier in the day and forgot about it. I told her that it didn't mean anything.

We e-mailed back and forth all day, and I invited her to a surprise weekend, which she accepted. Plans are:
Museum Saturday night (her idea)
Stay here Sat. night:
http://www.marriott.com/hotels/travel/dalbr-renaissance-dallas-hotel/
Go here Sunday morning:
http://www.dallasmarketcenter.com/dmc/V40/index.cvn?id=100334

She's going to love it, and I have a bit of an ulterior motive. Before we separated, she talked about quitting her job, buying clothes at the Market Center and selling them on Ebay. Her mom had a similar successful business. The problem was, it's not open to the public and is very hard to get access. I found a way to get in, and while we're there maybe I'll bring up her idea again?

It's strange, because in some ways I've switched to pursuit mode, but it seems to be working. Or maybe she's just playing me while keeping things going with OM. Time will tell. I wish she'd come to church on Sunday night with me, but she's not up for that yet. Another thing to add to the goals.

Last night was a major step back. Argh, so frustrating.

We had planned to go dancing, but W was worried about the freezing rain in the forecast and wanted to stay in. I took her to a nice dinner. Things seemed to be going well, she'd even texted me at 2 AM Wednesday night asking me to come over. We haven't spent longer than one night apart in about a month.

We went to bed early, but she got up in the middle of the night to get a snack and invited me to come, and we had trouble falling back asleep. Talking went well, and I even said "this is fun" at one point.

I asked her more about her migraines, which have just been terrible lately. I'm trying to find resources online to understand how to help her better. Thursday night, I could tell her head was really hurting, and we didn't have nearly as much fun as Tuesday night. The problem is, the more people ask her about it, the more it hurts. So I'm kind of at a loss for ideas. I've heard of couples with sexual problems putting a number 1-5 on the refrigerator every night to communicate to each other. Maybe she could do that, where I come in the door and see a 5 and know to be quiet, keep things dark, etc. She quickly said "don't worry about it, I won't be in Dallas much longer anyway."

That really stung. Guess I'm not as detached as I need to be. Things went down hill from there, until she finally said "this has been so fun, but only because we're pretending. As soon as we stop pretending, it's not fun any more. I can't do real life, it hurts too much. I gave you so many chances to change, and I'm not going to get hurt like that again."

So, somehow I let it get to R talk, and all the WAW thoughts came back. The problem is, I agree that DBing is pretending to a certain extent. Acting as if, avoiding all the issues or R talk, just being friends and having fun. (Of course, I'm not going to tell her any of that). But somehow it allows people to start opening their hearts to each other and get the good feelings back, which then allows the issues to be worked through later. I kept my mouth shut last night and left her place at 5 AM, pretty devastated. The more I think about her comments though, I can tell her feelings are coming back, and she's trying to fight them off and convince herself that she shouldn't give this another try.

I'm just going to leave her alone for the next day and a half, hopefully we're still on for this weekend, and can get back to "pretending" Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Did you remember to say I understand why you feel that way? Or did you get defensive and continue the R talk?

I'm not sure it's such a set-back as you think it is. She is giving you insight into her doubts, that's a big thing and you should stay focused on that.



It's only pretending if you are only making these changes just to get her back. Otherwise, it takes 21 repetitions to make a habit and your act as if's will become permanent habits.