Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Back to Manipulation or Motivation......

Mopsey,
Please don't believe anything that came out of his mouth during that conversation. He is projecting on to you all of the problems he's got within himself. They all do this. If they could blame us for the sun coming up, they would.

Now that things are pretty much out in the open on all fronts, just let them be. He's going to need lots of time to digest what his daughter has said, as well as what you said too. So, let the wound fester on it's own and it will slowly heal up once again. He now will need time to think about things.

As for your marriage, you had a good marriage. No marriage is perfect, but they all have to paint a dark picture of what they had to justify why they left, say to us and do. It's called trying to achieve validation for that period of time. So, don't do another thing, sit quietly, be there to listen to your children and just let this nut swing in the wind.

I promise you, he will come back around again and things most likely will be a little tense for a bit, but he'll be back to visiting, calling and texting you just like he has been.

Now, you must take care of yourself and your children. Sometimes, we have to take a few steps back in order to move ahead and grow.

Take care.

Mopsey



Iam so glad that Snodderley posted to you - and I have got one of those MLCers too!! Isn't that the truth?

Good grief, that we should come to this!

A

mopsey,

What jumps out at me is that your H said he didn't expect to hear from you, that you never call him, he always calls you.

You can almost hear the hurt in his voice. Have you thought about ever picking up the phone and just calling to say hi? Maybe you should give this a try. If he spews at you when you do it, remind him of what he said.

Maybe he feels like you don't love him anymore only because he can't understand it, feeling as low as he does about himself.

Thanks Snodderly: You are right. Didn’t take him long to call me. I was up around 4 am, couldn’t sleep and my phone rang. It was H. My initial reaction was to ignore, but I answered.

H sounded like he may have been drinking, not sure. He started off with saying he was sorry. I told him I was sorry to. He said he has made everyone including himself unhappy. I am unhappy, the kids are unhappy, his family is unhappy….everyone is unhappy.

I told him he should first work on his own happiness and then take it from there. He said that he tried that and look what happened. The kids are miserable, I am hurt, we are in debt, etc. etc. I just listened.

He then said he can’t understand how I could still want him after all of this. He said all of his family can’t understand it either. I just listened. He went on and on questioning me about why I love him after all he has done to our family. He went on and on. I didn’t want to say too much because I was just so exhausted and I don’t know the state he was in. He kept questioning why I still love him. He just doesn’t get it.


He did again say that he is very unhappy. This I can’t understand. If he has this MOW and he is still not home, then why is he so miserable? This is what he wanted. This is why he left. I truly don’t understand. What d12 said to him struck a big nerve. She was always the one to not say anything. Just keep him happy. She finally told him what she thinks….I am proud of her and told her that. She was so good last night. Like a weight was off her shoulders.

H apologized for calling me at the time he did. He kept saying I better let you go. Then he fell asleep while we were still connected. I listened to see if he would come back on and then hung up after a while.

So, who knows where this crazy situation will go next. I really am trying not to think too much about it. H is out of my control and into God’s hands right now. There is absolutely nothing I can do. I will be there for him as a friend. I don’t know why I am hanging on. It seems like he will never figure things out.

He did call just a little while ago. He seemed so down. He asked what time d12 was going to be home as she has detention today. She told him yesterday. Don’t know if he forgot or just wanted to call me. I was pleasant as can be.

Hope: I do call H every now and then but not often. I feel uncomfortable thinking he may be with MOW. My C says he likes to play come here…then go away with me. He wants me to pursue. So, I don’t pursue too much thinking that him not hearing from me will give him time to work on himself. Who knows? Nothing seems to be working with him.

Thanks for letting me journal.

Mopsey

Mopsey,
You are so right in the fact that he needs to work on himself first. He's starting to realize that life didn't turn out the way he planned it and yes, it's very obvious to all of us that running away didn't and won't resolve his unresolved issues w/his past and w/himself.

You should be extremely proud of your children and yourself for dealing w/this constantly. It's not easy having a drop-in mlc on your hands. He's starting to think and that's very good. He'll figure it out and the holidays will also help him to realize just how unhappy he is. Leave your man out there to swing in the trees for a while, just leave a light burning in the window to show him the way home. That's all you can do.

So, Mopsey, tell me about your holiday plans. Let's turn the focus a bit on you and your children for a bit. None of us knows what the future holds, but I honestly do not think that your h will be that far away for any length of time. I just hope and pray that he will continue w/the therapist and really listen and look within to see that outside forces really can't help him do the work to heal himself.

A big hug to you and the kids!

Thanks Snodderly:

I wonder if he will ever figure it out. I truly do. And if and when he does, I feel like he will only be doing it because of the kids. After our terrible conversation the other day, I feel like he thinks he has found happiness with this woman that he never had with me. He said that if he came back what good would it do for our kids to live in dysfunction.

I know I shouldn’t believe what he says, but he truly believes it. I don’t know what the man is starting to think. If he is starting to think about all of the damage he has done, I just don’t know if he thinks that he can fix it. He said that he left to be happy…I assume with MOW….and now he says everyone (the kids, me, his family, everyone….although he doesn’t mention mow) including him is unhappy. What does that say about their R? Who knows?

Right now you are right; he needs to be out there. I just don’t know if he will ever figure this out. Sometimes I feel like he is so close and then reality strikes and he retreats.

Time to focus on the kids and the weekend. This is my last weekend before Christmas that the neither kid has a swim meet. I even took Monday off to clean. I plan on doing some shopping, baking, and we will be decorating our tree that H brought. D12 asked him today if he would come on Sunday to decorate it and he called me this afternoon to tell me this.

So, tonight while d12 is at swim I may meet a few friends out for a bite (unless s15 needs me) and then be home with her around 9 to just hang. She and I will be going shopping tomorrow while s15 has to be at the pool most of the day. I am looking forward to that.

I promise Snodderly that I will not be sitting and obsessing about H this weekend. I will just pray that you are right and he will figure this out. I worry that he is in therapy to pacify his family and to show that he is fine and made good decisions, I just pray I am wrong and he will be guided back to me.

That’s it for now. Not sure how we are spending the holidays….it has always been with H’s family. I will plan on our own thing until I hear otherwise. No matter what, I am looking forward to us all being off from 12/21/07 to 1/2/08.

Thanks for letting me vent.
MOPSEY

Mopsey,
While decorating the tree, turn on some Christmas music and fill the house w/song. Bake up some lovely cookies that will leave a pleasant scent throughout the house. It's time to fill your home w/holiday cheer!

If your h does come over to help with the decorations, the memories of the songs, family and aromas of fine cooking will give him much "food for thought".

Enjoy the quality time you have w/your children decorating and just having a good time. That's what the holiday is all about.

Have a pleasant weekend! I look forward to hearing how the decorating went.

Thanks SNodderly,

H is a true mess. He called me after he got off work last night and was so depressed. He kept asking me to come down to his parent's house to be with him, but the weather was bad and it was late. He kept saying he doesn't know what to do. He kept talking about all of the failures that he has had.

Fast forward to today. D12 and I had shopping plans. H called as we were walking out the door. I told him where we were going and that he was welcome to join us if he wanted. He broke down in histerics. I felt so bad. While we were out he sent a tm to me to have a good time shopping.

When we got home d12 tm that we were there. He arrived shortly after. I was baking cookies and d12 and he cuddled a bit on the couch. She then showed him the outfit we bought for her chorus concert on wed. and he broke down in tears.

He went in to my bedroom and laid in the fetal position crying histerically. He kept saying how tired he was. He kept apologizing and saying he doesn't know what to do. He kept talking about the failures in his life and how he can't make anyone happy. I told him to take one day at a time. I really didn't say too much.

I just don't know what this man wants. He is truly depressed. H said that he is so sad he doesn't remember what it feels like to be happy. Not sure if all of this is how he truly feels .....or what. I am so skeptical.

I did tell H to call after he got out of work if he wanted to. It was up to him. I will be here. I can't fix this for him though. I think he wants someone to tell him what to do and that someone will not be me.

So, that was my day in a nutshell. Did bake some great ricotta cookies. Went out to dinner with my dad and the kids stayed home. S15 wants chocolate chip cookies, so I think I will make those tonight for him.

Who knows what the rest of the night will bring. I can't sit and dwell and speculate as I am never sure where this wild ride will take me next.

Mopsey

Oh Mopsey, I really feel for you. All of this is so, so familiar to me. But you have the right idea when you say even though he wants someone to fix this for him, it won't be you.
Your H is definitely depressed. He is not faking, and yet he doesn't know what he wants. My H did these same things. And the being tired...I remember this. I used to work very close to my home and would go home on my lunch breaks. Oftentimes, I would come home to find H's car in the driveway and him asleep in the family room, curtains drawn shut, with the tv on, midday. He was just so exhausted and apparently had no where else to go.
It would confuse me, as it does you, because he "said" he didn't want to be with me, he was miserable, he wanted out, etc. Yet, there he would be asleep on the sofa at noon.
I think you are doing all the right things here. There isn't much else you can do, mopsey. You just go right along with the Christmas plans, making cookies and letting him know if he needs to stop by or call you, he can do that. I imagine he will if he's feeling badly. I'm so sorry for how it confuses you and disrupts your life, because I know exactly how that is. I lived that way for a year.
You are right in that you cannot speculate what happens next. I know I couldn't. Again, you sound very much together and I think that draws him to you.
So, just keep on posting here, sharing, and staying strong at home. You're doing great.

Mopsey,
It appears that he's hit a pocket of the dark depression. He's light a hamster running on the wheel that goes round and round. He can't find his way out of the maze of uncertainity and it's going to take him a while to do so. When he does, he will have hit bottom. He's fighting it very hard, but he's got to find a way to look within himself to get there.

You're doing all of the right things. You've offered him your home as a safe haven, you have made yourself available to talk to him at all hours of the day and night and the most important thing, you've not shut the door on him. You've been nothing but kind, loving and compassionate. These are the things he doesn't understand right now. How could you still be there for him? He doesn't realize that love can be unconditional in a case such as this, whereby you see him bouncing all over the place.

Mopsey, your thinking is becoming clearer each and every day. You've realized that you can't sit around worrying about it. You are doing every
thing you can to hold your family together. I do hope that you enjoyed your evening out w/your father and you and the children are enjoying the baking up of the cookies. I really do hope that the holidays will finally shed some light on what or where his head is at.

Enjoy your Sunday. You are doing everything you possibly can at this time. Hope's right, come here to vent, journal or just to chat. We've all been down this road and know how you feel at this time.