Feeling a little weird today. I am angry. Angry at H. Angry at myself for letting him get to me ...in that I called his family when I thought he may hurt himself. And just tired.
H came by around 9 last night to say goodnight to d12. He is pretty much ignoring me for the most part. I was in my room and he came in ...said he had just come from an appointment (well he had his hair dyed on sunday, maybe it was another tattoo.....couldn't be counseling that would make too much sense).
H asked about thanksgiving and i told him we would be there. He said goodnight and walked out to see d12 for a minute. H told her his parents were leaving for Florida next week and they wouldn't be here for christmas. She asked what we were going to do and he said he didn't know. She asked if we could have the family to our house and he said..."I don't think your brother wants me here." So now lets try to put a rift between the 2 of them. As if sibling rivalry isn't hard enough.
He walked out before I could say anything. I woke up early this morning and am at the point where I may just drop off the kids on thanksgiving and leave. I just don't know what to do. If he is going to be so childish as to not be speaking to me or putting s15 down...I don't know if I want to be with him.
I feel like I was so up on the rollercoaster I totally went off the track on the way down. I feel like my conversation with SIL (his brother's wife) and me worrying about him hurting himself and going to his family has sent him back to anger. Back to acting like a 2 year old. Back to skanky Married OW.
I feel like my h is totally manipulating me. Was he being nice for so many months because he wanted me to help him with s15 or was he starting to miss home like I thought? Not sure.
Right now the anger and hurt are both so real and painful. Part of me feels like my whole marriage has been a lie. How easy was it for him to up and leave.
Make no mistake, I am still standing. I just don't think that I am going to be paying much attention to H right now. He is off the deep end.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Mopsey
Still standing....but I feel like I am barefoot standing on glass
Got home today and got some mail from my insurance company. Referral forms for a local psychologist. First appointment...yesterday. So no tattoo.....counseling? No wonder he is so pi**ed at me.
So we shall see how often he goes. H, the master manipulator, can certainly spin a tale of his unhappiness for years. Wonder if the dr. will believe him or see through him. Not sure what to think. I do know his family kept me out of the loop on this. Not sure how to take it.
So, time to sit back and see how the story unfolds. Still on the fence for Thanksgiving.
Mopsey, Your h is in a snit because he's been put on notice about getting counseling. We don't know exactly what went on at his family's house about this. Counseling isn't something he really wants to do and that's why he's acting the way he is.
Also, you have to remember, you aren't paying as much attention to his drama as you once were. He's sensing that and it's upsetting him to know that you aren't being sucked into his drama. He knows that your attention is being turned elsewhere. This is good. He's starting to see that life does go on and doesn't not revolve around him and his drama.
As for his family, be thankful they've stepped up to the plate and have given him names of counselors. They know something is wrong and who knows, they may be the ones to reach him and make him see the light a bit. Time will tell.
As for Thanksgiving, enjoy the holiday with your family. I do hope that your holiday is a blessed and happy one. Do not allow your h to spoil the day for you and your children. He's the one that chose to walk, therefore, he's the one that has to find a way back to you and yours.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Snodderly, I hope that he finds his way back. He is so out there:
Thanksgiving started in the middle of the night when I got up and saw a tm from H thanking me for agreeing to come to dinner and bringing the kids. I did not respond.
H called arrived at the house this morning with coffee and was all happy, happy. Far cry from him earlier this week. Man is he bi-polar or what? He watched tv while we all got ready and I did d12's hair. She had her usual fit (which has been a constant lately) and I was glad he got to see the way she acts boldly to me.
Anyway, off to sil's. Seperate cars. I got there and said hello to all and headed down to the playroom to watch football with bil's, nephews and s15. S15 truely enjoyed himself. I love football and everyone knows this so it is not unusual for me to do this. MIL was cold to me. Didn't say too much. Whatever.
Dinner was fine. After dinner we headed back down to watch tv while h's sisters and mother were upstairs. H followed us down this time. I tried to keep a safe distance....not because I am angry but to show him that I am not going to fall for anything anymore. I need to distance myself a little. You are right SNodderly, I will stay out of his drama and maybe that will help..maybe not.
I watched H as he watched me and s15 interact with nieces, nephews, bils....we had a good time. I could feel H's eyes on me and then on s15 back and forth the whole time.
Anyway, the party was breaking up and the kids and I got in the car to leave. Who knows where H was going. I thought he would show up here at some point but perhaps he ran to MOW. He did send a tm again thanking me for coming. He said how nice it was to see s15, hear his voice, watch him eat.
S15 was on his best behavior. He didn't really speak to H but didn't exit the room when h entered.
Hard to believe that H just can't figure this out. If he wants me and the kids...he can come home. Obviously MOW has won his heart because I just can't imagine ever being apart from the kids like this.
One more thing. Was discussing a few dates with h (monday appts. that d12 has coming up that he will take her too). There is one on Jan 7 that he needs to change the time of an appt. he has to take her. I think these are his counseling appts. He must have set them up for monday's in the future.
Not sure what H and C will resolve. Snodderly, does counseling help these MLCers or do they try to validate what they are doing to the C. I have a call in to my IC to see if she knows the person h is going to (small town so she probably does). I am not being nosy, just want to know if he is sharp enough to see through h and his act.
Off to look at the sale fliers with d12 and cuddle with a movie.
Snodderly, and everyone, hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving despite the madness going on in our lives. I feel truly blessed to have found this forum, for my children, my dad, my pup who has made a miraculous recovery.....and yes, in a way, for H.
Snodderly....hooe you and your family enjoyed the holiday and your dad is making strides in his recovery. I pray for him every day.
Mopsey, Your day was a busy one with family/inlaws. I wouldn't sorry too much about your mil. She doesn't have a clue and most likely doesn't understand what's going on. You don't know what your h told her early on and she may be making assumptions which aren't correct. At least the day was uneventful and it was pleasant.
As for counseling, my personal opinion is this, when dealing w/mlc, the mlcer hears what he/she wants to hear and walks away still deep in a fog. Counseling helps if they are at the tail end of their journey, not during replay. I suspect your h will cry the blues to the counselor/therapist and that will be about it. Now, if the counselor/therapist is any good, they'll pick up on his major confusion and go from there. Don't be surprised if you and your children are called in for a session or two.
I think the day was a good one for your h. I'm hoping and praying that he will realize that he has the most valuable commodity on earth--his family.
Try to enjoy the rest of your holiday weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
H just called. He is driving around and wanted me to meet him at walmart to shop. Hugh? It is cold and I am cozy on the couch with d12. I told him thanks, but no thanks. He called back and asked if he could come over to go through the circulars with me to see what the kids want and if it is on sale. I was hesitant but agreed since d12 was overhearing the conversation and asked if daddy could come by.
I hope I don't regret this. Still going to keep it businesslike.
I think my H watched his family....altogether, spouses and children as a family unit, but I don't know if he wished he had that still or if he is content with the way things are. We shall see. I am going to sit back and wait for things to unfold.
So far, having a nice weekend with the kids. Did a little shopping, s15 and d12 both had friends over, s15 and I rearranged the kids den downstairs, and today...cooking and football. Plus...bonus, we are all off tomorrow.
Yesterday I got out early to do some things and came home to clean. There was no word from H and to be honest...it didn't phase me. He called around 1:30 to ask if he could stop by to see d12 before work and I told him no problem.
He showed up an hour later....first thing he asks d12..where's mommy. He came in my room and plopped down on a chair and apologized for not coming over earlier as he said he was getting his car fixed. Whatever. I told him he didn't have to report in to me or be here by a certain time....
H looked like he++. He said he slept about 20 minutes the night before and he said he was having a bad day. He tried to keep from crying. After a few minutes he had to leave for work. He said he would see me in the morning.
Well, I didn't realize in the morning meant 1:30 am. I was fast asleep and a smell woke me. It was so weird. I smelled H. And I opened my eyes and who was sitting on the bench at the foot of my bed staring at me. H. He looked exhausted and was crying a bit. I could here his stomach rumbling so I offered to make him a sandwich as I was going to let the dog out.
He ate and fell asleep holding on to my leg. He just left. Still looking exhausted. Said he was going back to mil's to sleep, shower and then he would be back later. I had asked him to fix a problem in the kids bathtub and he said he would.
Tomorrow I believe he has C. H does not know that I am aware he is going. When he is ready he will tell me. Not sure what is going on here. Perhaps another breakup with MOW. Who knows. I know I will keep my head on and eyes open, as I don't want to get hurt again.
Mopsey, I'm glad the holiday has been a pleasant for you and your children. It sounds like you were able to relax just a little bit. You and the children should plan to do something special tomorrow since you are off.
Today sounds like fun and I'm sure you will enjoy having the children in and enjoying the football games. Isn't it nice to know that your children, despite it all, still want their friends to come over? That says a lot about you and your home. Your children love you and know that their home is a safe and loving place to be and bring their friends. Cherish these things so that they can be brought out to remind you of what you have when the dark periods come along.
As for your h, you are far more loving and caring than I would be. He wouldn't be sitting at the foot of my bed at 1:30 in the morning. Mopsey, you've got to set those boundaries so that you can get your rest. He's still over the place emotionally and if you don't get your rest, your immune system will go to heck. He's got to learn that he can't just walk in at any hour of the day. This is now your space and he has to respect you and that space. I know you care about him, but honey, he's got the best of both worlds right now and something's got to change just a little bit to make him feel the pinch of reality.
As for tomorrow, it will be interesting what the therapist has to say to him. You may find him a bit withdrawn if he calls or comes by after this meeting. Don't take it personally, it's something he's not going to be happy doing or hearing about himself.
Enjoy your day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh boy. This sounds familiar to me, unfortunately. When I was still living in our home, H would sometimes call me at all hours of the night, sounding like hell and as if he was trying not to cry. Then he would come over and from what you described, would look and act very much like your H. He was hungry, overtired, looking ragged, etc. He'd fall asleep and then leave the next day, just like yours. These visits WERE weird, because they confuse us. I had to learn to not get emotionally wrapped up in them, which was very difficult. Snodderly is right; you should lay down the rules with him that you need your sleep, etc. I did not do that and I should have. What I am saying is that I totally know how you felt waking up seeing him in your room, looking like a walking ad for depression. And I know you want to help him, make him something to eat and hope he feels better. We do what we can, but ultimately even if we did nothing, it wouldn't change this journey they are on. Hugs.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Kids are both enjoying having friends over right now. Oh to be young. The boys are watching football and playing video games and the girls are on the computer watching videos.
H just called. He is really down today. Was crying while I was on the phone. He wanted to know what we were doing and I told him that we were all just hanging. He broke down and started apologizing to me. He said he doesn't know what is wrong with him but he is getting help.
I told him that it was good he was getting help and that I am here for him. He then replied...I don't know why you would still be here for me.
Anyway, H said he may come up later. He was feeling low and he didn't know what he should do. He said he wanted to check on the problem in the kids bathtub but wasn't sure if he could do it without his dad. I told him that it was fine.
So, we shall see. I think the very bad depression must be setting in. What do you think? I won't get trapped again. I am just pretty much going to sit back and watch things unfold. Hopefully he will realize what he has lost and want it back again, but if not.....I will be ok.
