I tell BF 'bout it all. BF gets... agitated. Says he will help me with it. Why, I says? We are dating. He says, No, you are my family... I think of you as my wife. He meant it as a compliment, but man did it piss me off.
I understand the dating thoughts. Perfectly logical. The W was a bit strong for him to say. You being pi$$ed, that is a little over the top.
I didn't lay into him. I felt 'pissed' inside. I knew it, felt it, and wondered about it.
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He asks me what's okay to do and not do around my house. Or like with my dad. He brings it up for conversation.
And if he didn’t ask and just did it, I think you wouldn’t like it.
Exactly. In our current sitch, yes. That's why this is a problem. See? I'm the one who has created this.
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Corri, I see a connection between you taking responsibility for your fathers lack of responsibility and getting PO'ed at men you might date in general and /the BF. What is up with that??????
Because I AM taking responsibility when I shouldn't be. I've crowed BF out of the leadership role and he's let me. Again, I'm not PO'ed at him. This is a dynamic I am very much interested in stopping. I cause my own problems.
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What does your father do with the money he earns? If he needs his car to earn money then car expenses come before some other things. You can't work w/o tools. His car is a tool.
He lives on a very limited income. Pay check to pay check. There is no 'extra.' When something goes wrong, there's no back up.
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Is he living with your mother? If he lives alone then I can see why you or your mother wants to pay to have his car repaired.
Yes. He lives alone.
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I can see a connection between your BF paying (if you let him) and you not wanting to feel obligated to your BF. Is it that obligation=LSD?
I think him paying is a noble gesture. I think it is too much for a boyfriend to offer. It doesn't feel right to me, somehow. It is making the lines fuzzy. And if I allow this to happen, it makes the lines even fuzzier. And I get more confused. Yet... I'm not helping the sitch, either, and that's why I was so pissed. When things get unclear, murky, agitated, when I start getting mad at someone else because I'm the one who's miscommunicated my expectations and intentions, my sex drive falls off. The lines aren't clear. And my actions are the ones that have made it this way. I'm sure he's doing his part... but... I'm just working on my side of it right now.
First, clarify one thing: do you and your bf still maintain separate residences and just spend time together? Do you spend most nights together at one or the other of your homes? Which home do you spend more time in?
Yes, we have separate residences. I'm up there, or he's down here. Since my boy's hockey season has started, and it will run through March, there really is no me going to see him. I'm busy with hockey nearly every weekend. So... I'd say we spend blocks of time together, and lots of time apart.
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It would definitely bother me if he did (as yours does)... because it creates fuzzy boundaries, especially where money and household responsibilities occur. For example, if one of his kids needs money, I absolutely do NOT consider it a responsibility of mine, since we're not married. If I were a stepmom, I would feel like I should a) care and b) participate in the solution. The fact that I'm clearly a girlfriend and not a stepmom makes things really easy.
I get that. So when BF makes gestures to pay for things regarding my house or my kids... I get cranky because it DOES feel fuzzy to me. It isn't his job. I think it's nice and noble... but I don't want to be like my dad, kwis? It's one thing to accept help from my family (mother), but to accept it from BF, given the context of our R, doesn't seem or feel right to me. I guess I need to think through this more, but that's really all I can say at this point, I think. This is all kind of bubbling up.
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Right now, when he's so consumed with caring for his mom, it's really clear that I'm a girlfriend and not a family member. Even though I'm down to cheese and crackers, I'm not going to play the "But I'm your GIRLFRIEND-- you're supposed to CARE" card, because frankly, I don't want the implied reciprocal responsibility? Do you see what I mean? We don't treat each other like married people, so what we do for each other is more like a gift and less like an expectation.
Absolutely. Hence... my... frustration?
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In short, I think your pi$$ed-off-ness is a very appropriate reaction to the situation. I hope you're not making the mistake that my bf makes and that's to come on rude and strong when your partner meant no harm. IOW I hope you said this
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem.
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with some kindness and sensitivity and didn't just bite his head off.
Absolutely. I had snapped at him once, earlier in the day, and I was horrified. I immediately apologized and told him that when I figured out why I was so snappy, that I'd tell him.
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The problem is how to tell him to back up. This will require kindness and diplomacy. He means you no harm; he just made assumptions that went beyond your boundaries.
No, he doesn't mean me harm. Again, I'm not mad at him.
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I think Lou is on to something... your anger at your bf is probably connected to your anger at the way your dad is handling HIS problems.
I was pissy before the 'dad' sitch came up, but I'm sure it didn't help. Or maybe it did, in the fact that it may have helped ME find clarity.
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Let all of these people live their own lives, kwim? When you're over there living their lives, who's over here living yours?
So when BF makes gestures to pay for things regarding my house or my kids... I get cranky because it DOES feel fuzzy to me. It isn't his job. I think it's nice and noble... but I don't want to be like my dad, kwis? It's one thing to accept help from my family (mother), but to accept it from BF, given the context of our R, doesn't seem or feel right to me.
I think you really put your finger on it when you quoted him as saying he thinks of you as his wife. But YOU never said, "I do."
Oh, I don't abhor cows at all. Not in the least. What if said to you, as the zoo keeper, all this time I thought I had a swan, when really, I have a cow. That make any sense?
Yes. Although I must say that I am shocked to hear that you, like every other working Mom in America, are devoting too much selfless energy to your relationships (Mom/cow part) and wealth (working part) and not enough to your own physical, mental, emotional and sexual well-being. Dr. Bunkey prescribes one part hip-hop dance workout DVD, one part meditation room or 5 hour long BBC costume drama, one part massage chair pedicure (hot pink nail polish), one part warming intimate oil and two parts telling your BF "Next time we have sex I want you to say "Scream, baby, scream."
BTW, I am totally with you and LP on the BF boundaries issue even though GP and I have only been dating for a couple months. I basically told him "You are dating a woman with a weak*ss cow at the moment." this morning and he got real quiet and then he said "I think I already told you several times that I don't care." Here's the thing that boggles my mind (and perhaps yours as well). All most men care about when you are dating them is the bunkey. If you are attractive, nice, smart and sexual, they don't care if you are totally broke and you live on lemon drops and whiskey and throw away stuff when your apartment gets too messy and have several cats. I thought this was true because my friend who dated Sebastian Junger fit this description. Now I know it is true. So, although the differentiated woman should never run her life in a manner to simply please men (whether BF or husband), it is helpful to understand these matters in order to make informed decisions when choosing how to please oneself. So....after my discussion with GP this morning, I had to choose between fixing the broken cellar door in my basement or going shopping for a new Xmas outfit for me. I decided that I would leave the cellar door broken for the next guy who inhabits my house to fix and I got some bright red corduroy hip-huggers, a fluffy white hoodie and a form-fitting green t-shirt with a bunny wearing an Xmas hat that says "I've Been Naughty...So What?"
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Dr. Bunkey prescribes one part hip-hop dance workout DVD
I think my ballroom dance covers this part.
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one part meditation room or 5 hour long BBC costume drama,
Lip chew. Hmmm. Maybe I need to do another play...
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one part massage chair pedicure (hot pink nail polish)
I'll put this on the list. My girlfriend is coming over this week after work, and we are having an evening of gabbing, guffawing, wine consumption and my amazing bruschetta.
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one part warming intimate oil and two parts telling your BF "Next time we have sex I want you to say "Scream, baby, scream."
I'm still working through this one. I'm hoping the SD rebounds during our month away from one another. Next time I'll see him is at Xmas. I'm thinking hard on what Lil said about backing him up to the 'I'm the girlfriend, not your wife, status.' In a kind, gentle way, of course.
Where do I get the t-shirt?
LIL:
My boyfriend is also a Type 7, and I get plenty of "I'm planning on it." For example. He was here for... what... six days this week. He wants to buy me a new stove top for Xmas. He went to Lowe's, found what he wanted to get, measured... one PART of what needed measuring. He never got around to measuring the opening part. So as he was leaving today, he said, 'now, I want you to measure the opening part... take all the measurements down to Lowe's... call me when you are going to do so... I'll give you the name of the woman who was helping me... you go get it, I'll give her my CC#."
And I told him, in a kind way... "no... I'm not doing that."
Him... "Why? You need a new range top."
Me... "Honey... if you don't have time to do it, that is okay. Really. I'm not going to do it for you. I'm sorry."
Well, I hate to burst your bubble, I say, but I am not your family and I am not your wife. We are dating, and MY family issues are not your problem. (Buying me stuff.... is one thing. Something he does because he wants to.) That didn't sit real well with him, but I really wasn't worried about it sitting well with him.
I'm NOT playing House here....
{IC again still waving the white flag} discounting the wife comment...would it have made a difference if it was an expensive gift for you because HE wanted to...because he cares for YOU ? Or say bf is a really good mechanic and because it's YOUR dad and bf cares for YOU...he fixes the car for free that normally would have cost say...$800 at a garage?
Just a quick question..{don't have to answer on here} Is the $800 a lot to your bf? Not comparing $800 to this, but would you be pissed at him if say you couldn't pick the boys up from hockey practice so bf did and took them out for $25 pizza and ice cream...because HE WANTED to?
You say...
I get that. So when BF makes gestures to pay for things regarding my house or my kids... I get cranky because it DOES feel fuzzy to me. It isn't his job. I think it's nice and noble... but I don't want to be like my dad, kwis?....
I understand your boundaries and maybe he is pushing them...but I can see his side of it as well. You took on your family problems...thus making them YOUR problem...BF loves and cares for YOU...It's not bf's JOB or responsibility to do ANYTHING ! ...but because bf loves and cares for YOU, he offers to help out because he WANTS to. I'm failing to see this as "playing house" or how this makes you like your dad.
FWIW..I had a similar situation with Miss IC's parent's house early on when we were dating...it wasn't my job, wasn't my problem, I didn't see it as playing house...I did it because I loved and cared for Miss IC, and because of that, I did it because I wanted to, not expecting anything in return.
{IC again still waving the white flag} discounting the wife comment...would it have made a difference if it was an expensive gift for you because HE wanted to...because he cares for YOU ? Or say bf is a really good mechanic and because it's YOUR dad and bf cares for YOU...he fixes the car for free that normally would have cost say...$800 at a garage?
He has done PLENTY for me, in terms of gifts, flowers, cards, trips, meals, clothes... major appliances, small appliances. He doesn't charge me for dance lessons or competing. That man gives and gives and gives. And eventually, that becomes a red flag in and of itself. Kwis?
My dad... is a lifelong issue. He's a Hobo and a manipulator. I've been giving him money since I was a kid... lunch money, allowances... gave him a car once. And he pays none of it back, though of course, he always promises that he will.
Spent a good deal of time on this one with the shrink. **I** need my dad to be safe. Makes ME feel better. I do what I do to make ME feel better. I don't ask for anything back from him because I know it won't come, and there is absolutely no reason to set myself up and believe, at this point in his life, that he is going to be anything other than what he has been his entire life. A blood sucking leech. Who happens to be my father. And just by stupid default, I love him.
That does not transfer to BF. Period. End of discussion. Not on the dating scene.
Lil is right. BF may be treating me as a wife. But he never asked. And I never said, "I do." That seems pretty presumptuous... to me.
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You took on your family problems...thus making them YOUR problem...BF loves and cares for YOU...It's not bf's JOB or responsibility to do ANYTHING ! ...but because bf loves and cares for YOU, he offers to help out because he WANTS to. I'm failing to see this as "playing house" or how this makes you like your dad.
Yep. If we ever decide to go it together, I'll re-evaluate. This was an incredibly huge issue for me in my M. It is the main reason my friends won't let me wander through a major city by myself... because I will come out penniless and shirtless, what with all the street people. It isn't my problem. But I don't see it as being... gullible. I see something else. I feel something else. It's my bag to carry. Period.
Corri ... I've learned that "how" a bf or gf while dating should act varies from culture to culture, country to country, region to region and person to person.
I'm curious ... maybe you've already said it and I simply missed it .... what is a list of the do's and don'ts that you, an independent woman in the dating world and at this point NOT a wife, would expect of yourself and of your partner?
As in...
A gf does
have her own finances
Gifts should only be to her, not to her kids/extended family and should not cost above x $ .
maintain her own residence
etc.
What would your list be? Which part of your "code" are you currently not adhering to, and why?
I've learned that "how" a bf or gf while dating should act varies from culture to culture, country to country, region to region and person to person.
That's true. I realized that I had forgotten how to be a girlfriend because I hadn't dated in 20 years but then I watched a few episodes of "Rock of Love" and it all came back to me.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
