Divorcebusting.com Forums Divorcebusting.com Archives For Newcomers Archives WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..

You're a dope.

Seriously.

I thought I was doing the best thing two weeks ago and left the house, moved all my stuff out, said my goodbyes and everything. Then I got some very good advice here and got my ass back home the next day. It wasn't easy, but I know it's a better thing than starting visitation of our daughter before the divorce is final. The papers are working their way through the state, we are going to a mediator next week to discuss separation of property, etc, but I'm still in the house and helping daughter do homework at night, listening to her read at bedtime, and able to at least try and show my wife that I'm making changes.

I don't know all of your situation, and realize that each one is different, but from one that's been there, done that, and very recently I might add, I'd recommend you stay. If YOU walk away, how is SHE the WAW? One of the things that sealed it for me was that there was no way in hell that for the rest of my 7 yr old daughters life she'd always have to look back and say that her mom and dad weren't getting along so dad walked out on his wife and daughter. This man ain't going down that road.

Please weigh everything before you make any rash decisions. Good luck.

what for?

if she wants to date, she's going to. odds are, she's already started. nothing you can do about that. That whole "have to take wedding ring off for work"? oh please. It may not be for dating purposes. But there is almost no legitimate line of work, that would require someone to take off a wedding ring, all of a sudden. Unless maybe she's a stripper.
is your wife moonlighting as a stripper?

If she didnt need it off a year ago, she doesnt "need" it off now.
But that's not the main point. Here it is:


A counsellor once told me, "dont waste time asking pointless questions of your spouse".

This sounds like it fits in that category. it would only give her something to "fight" against. There's no realistic expectation of good coming from it, reguardless of what you might LIKE to come out of it. true?



I personally dont think that stating goals for yourself would hurt any.
Might even do some good




err.. you dont "have to leave". leaving probably wont make things better, either.

Either way, she's not going to help you "make things better". she wants out; she's not going to help you figure out how to make things better. You're going to have to figure that out yourself.

Thanks all,

Wife DOES have legitimate reason not to wear rings to work. She's a trauma RN at the ER. She lost a stone recently in one of her rings that I gave her so I believe her. I will be keeping an eye on if and when she wears it going forward, believe me.

For those who are saying NOT to leave the house:
I appreciate the feedback and believe me, I'm on the fence about it! My issue is twofold:

1) when she dropped the bomb, she said she was moving out and a D. It changed to a 2 month wait before a S decision, and then quickly to a choice between I move out for awhile and see how she feels after some MC and time away from me or she will move out and a D. This was mainly caused by my begging, pleading and not backing off for the first 2 weeks.

2) I am being sentenced for DUI on 12/11, will get house arrest for 60 days and I have no car or license. I live 25 miles from work. I figured if I moved into apt across street from work it would work out better if she really wants to work on M. Kids wouldn't be displaced. She is screaming to me she needs some space to think about it but at the same time not making ANY promises to try (she's not even sure if she wants to try).

I'm running out of time to make a decision. I will probably have the apt lease agreement in my hands tomorrow or Wed. I'm really scared that if I demand to stay in our home for the house arrest that she will just move out and file papers. It's a tough, tough decision. Like putting all your chips on RED or BLACK at the roulette table! Which one do you choose? ANY FEEDBACK IS APPRECIATED!

Today went to work, FIL had lung surgery today and it was D4 birthday. Sounds like FIL is doing as good as can be expected (removing part of lung and cancer tumor at 78, multiple heart and back issues over the years). W was very worried but still pretty cold to me. I told her if anything happened to give me a call at work, she just gave me kind of a 'screw you' look. I called her at work in the afternoon to see how her dad was anyway and she sounded in a better mood compared to when I left this morning.

D4's birthday went better than expected (wife still pretty cold towards me but seemed in an ok mood). She was angry this morning at me for not putting together a dollhouse last night (a bday present for D). I honestly wanted to but I was exhausted by the time kids went to bed, looked at directions (36 pages long) and decided it might be a better idea to put it together as a family when I got home from work. Actually, it turned out ok because W couldn't put it together so I ended up doing it anyway. Benefits were 1) W saw me putting it together and how long it took me, 2) I was being interactive with D, and 3) kept me busy so I didn't bother W. She never thanked me but I just kept on being happy like nothing was wrong.

I also pulled a 180 this morning that made me grin on the way to work. I started wearing my wedding ring. I haven't wore it for years. Basically, at my old job it was dangerous to wear rings and jewelery (high voltage) (it also was damaged several times). I stopped wearing it to work and it just became a habit not to wear it unless we went out on a date or something. I don't have any safety issues at new job that prevents it and I just felt like wearing it again so I put it on when getting ready for work. Never said anything to W but she noticed. I wish I could have taken a picture! She just looked so confused and asked me "why are you wearing your wedding ring?!? Why now?". I just said nicely, "I felt like it, no danger at work anymore. Anyhow, we ARE still married, right?" She didn't know what to think! She probably thought I was trying to intimidate her because I mentioned that she wasn't wearing hers to work but I don't care. I think I did the right thing to start wearing it since in the past it always bothered her a little that I didn't wear it.

One other scary thing that I did today..I have an extensive MP3 collection and MP3 player with 30Gig of music. She always used it when running on treadmill but lately I've been taking it to work with me. Her playlist was messed up and a few weeks ago wanted me to fix it. Today I decided to try and fix it and saw a post a couple days ago on DB about playlists and what kind of music their WAW was listening to. I became curious so I started listening to W playlist that she uses on the treadmill. WOW! Not going to list the lyrics here but the songs were definitely a 'window to her mind' over the past few months. Songs about dumping bad partners, you never understood me, you never cared, songs about escape, the messages were all there. I wish I would have done that a few months ago and maybe I would've picked up on something then! I didn't tell her I listened to what she was listening to nor did I tell her I fixed her playlist. I just wanted to erase the playlist, anyhow it's my MP3 player and she only uses it when I give it to her anyway.

Let me put it to you this way, you underestimate how she is going to feel with you out of the house. With you out there is no 300 pound gorilla in the room. The weight of the world will be off her shoulders and she will begin to come alive again. This will reinforce what within her?

If you move out you give her all the power in the world to fast track a divorce. You don't want that. If you stay in the house she will have to be the one to break the union. She does not want to do that yet. You buy yourself some time staying in the house. You better get to changing and fast. Your words do not hold any weight as she has probably heard it all from you before. I'm sure you know what needs to be done.

So you all are saying to take the chance and stand my ground in the house? You said I'm sure I know what needs to be done but I don't. I know to do the DB stuff, MC, IC, etc...are you suggesting I do something different?

What I am saying is that talk is cheap and your actions will be scrutinized. Yes, you do know what to do. DB your ass off. You just need to be confident in yourself.

Yes stay. She will be pissed but you stand a better chance in than out.

So,
Is there ANYONE out there that thinks I should go because I told my wife I would to give her some space to think and because she said if I didn't that she was going to move out and file D? I am VERY nervous about either choice.

I'm worried that if I say I'm not leaving that she will take it as I'm not trying, I'm being controlling, I'm not understanding of her feelings, I'm not following through with what was agreed.

On the other hand, I'm worried if I go what others are saying is true about 'lamb to slaughter'. That she is just 'throwing me a bone' about if I go there may be hope because she will instantly have an upper hand and get the house and it will be easier for her to do a fast track to D with me gone.

If the consensus is hold my ground and stay then how do I approach W with this sudden change of plan without it backfiring on me?!?!

I was thinking of waiting until counseling on THU to give the news. It may be the last session with this counselor but the bull**** needs to stop. I'm actively pursuing a new C. I think that session is going to be VERY interesting and I plan on being calm yet very strong. I have to be very careful about what I say and how I say it. I would LOVE to enlighten her and the counselor on what I have figured out this past week, that I've figured out what I've been doing wrong and I need to stop, that I've figured out what I need to start doing right, that I've figured why I've been doing things wrong (drinking & neglecting wife) for so long, that I've become stronger and am rising above it.

I'm pretty angry at myself as well as our counselor. Honestly, I only found DB over the last week and discovered how much I was doing wrong up to this point. Counseling so far has consisted of:

1) Come to grips that wife wants a D and we need to do it if that's what wife wants, deal with it, accept it and move on. - This was right out of the gate 1st session with wife.
2) I am in denial about my drinking, my actions that caused damage and I just hit 'rock bottom'.
3) I'm a 'dry drunk' so that's why I'm not accepting the D and I'm selfish, self-centered because I'm not carrying on with W's wishes and agree with D.

I could go on. Counselor and W have NO CLUE where I'm at or how far I've come mentally. IMHO counselor is just taking sides with wife because of C's previous abusive alcoholic husband and D from him (I'm not abusive at all and I've already quit drinking and I'm actually happier because of it). Of course, I cannot express this because I am in 'denial'. I started going to AA and read the 'big book'. Wife was asking me for months before this, so I started. There is a chapter on 'For the Wife'. After first couple meetings she was curious and started reading that chapter. She immediately got angry and said that chapter was a bunch of 's***'! (You AA'ers know EXACTLY what that chapter is talking about!) I think there are ALOT of good things in that book. She agrees with AA but not when they disagree with her thinking and actions?!? That's like saying you are a christian but the bible is full of s***!!! I know that the road to recovery is a long one but I'm so far ahead of where they think I am at it's not even funny. I am well aware of MANY of the mistakes I have made, I know how to fix them. I know why I did them. I know what I'm capable of.

OPINIONS PLEASE!!! RUNNING OUT OF TIME & NEED TO DECIDE!

jaBRWok,
Both options have the same potential outcome. I have been here on the boards for seven years. I have seen this same script replay weekly. She can still have her space in the house. Move into another room and make yourself scarce. You will know how far ahead she has planned by how pissed she is at you for staying. Call your counselor on the carpet for their bias also if you are up to it. Keep yourself centered.

By the way, I fell for a "Trial separation". Anyone else been duped?

This is absolutely nothing more than an opinion...

If my husband had left when things were at there worst, when I wanted him to go, it would have been easy for me to detach further from him and find something else. He stayed and just slept in his office most nights. We had some space and although I had an EA, I'm still here. Quite honestly, i feel like if he left now, it would hurt and I would cry, but I would get over it and move on. And I'm here! I can't imagine how much more detached she is.

Propose that you seperate yourselves within the house. Treat it as you would if you were elsewhere, like your own place and a time to work on you, but don't leave.

Not sure what excuse you'll use for wanting this, but it could be as simple as having the support of your kids and seeing them within the home will help you with your recovery. My FIL has 16 yrs clean and sober, so you'll get there and being with the kids will probably help. Stick with it and do it for you. So you can be the the strong good man that deep down, you truly are!

Also, that C is a whack job. find someone new without the bias. They may give you similar advice (not sure as I'm not one), but I can't imagine any MC saying "just accept and deal with it" - That sounds more like an idiot that needs to see a C of her own. Good Luck!