Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Turning the Page

Thinking about her anger brings up a dilemma I'm facing.

We agree over next to nothing in the D settlement issues.

She wants over 3/4 of our nest egg, to keep her bonuses and stock options from this year, to sell the house at almost a loss, (Moving the kids out of their "home," not to mention me w/ no down payment, her with bonuses and the nest egg, ) to move both of us into town, to change the kid's school district, to keep the new car and leave me the one with 130000 miles on it. (at least it's paid for, but that hurts me in the balance sheet for the retirement money.)

Obviously I have a dramatically different view. Especially when it comes to moving the boys and changing school districts right now.


Anyway, she is angry over me not agreeing with her on all of this.

I think this is because she built up an idea in her head over several months about how all of this was going to pan out as her perfect little world, and my disagreement throws a MAJOR wrench into that.

I suppose she thought I was going to simply vanish after the D. No ideas about what's right for the kids, no retirement, no house, etc.

Besides the finances, if I can keep the boys here, and she does move into town, it's the opposite direction from her job which would mean about 1.5 hr commute each way for the weeks that she has the boys. I think this is the biggest part of it.

I'm the wrench thrower all right.

How on earth can I DB around that or minimize it? It will seem to her that I am wrecking her "world."

She's gonna be PIST after the next settlement conference. Probably next week.

I guess I'll just act as if and say "I'm sorry we disagree about what's best for the boys, and about what's equitable for us. I have to do what I think is best for them, also, my financial ability to take care of them is part of that."


Anybody got any other ideas on dealing with that? Or on validating her if / when I say this?

Jack, WOW, Petty Officer Munro was amazing. One man like that sure can make a difference. What a service to those Marines and this country.



Marines and bar-fights, like cookies and milk. Sorry about a low G2 Marine starting it. I'm glad they helped out and nothing permanent happened.


Man your posts always make me THINK.

I think it is part of that cycle of withdrawal. I'm falling back into it again.

Last night I stayed up with her watching tv until she went to bed. She read a book, no conversation. I'll try again tonight.




That makes perfect sense. Before she stopped going out cold turkey about 3 weeks ago, it was pretty balanced. Now I've cut back on being gone, Bible study one night, hunt or go out one night. I also try to take the boys out to do something at least one evening or weekend morning.




There is some of this competition, but it is mostly from her. Previously we've had pretty well defined roles with the boys, with some crossover. Lately, I feel like she's been competing with me to show she's a good mom, or to try to "win them over to her more." For example, I usually am the one who picks them up if they get hurt or emotional. Recently, she will interfere while I am dealing with it. This is something we rarely did to each other before. It's wierd too, because she sounds fake when she is doing it, like that aunt you could tell really didn't like kids, asking what's wrong. She doesn't sound like that when she is comforting them, just when she is interrupting me. Wierd.

I am already pretty close to them, but maybe I'm being different by being more patient and sensitive to them since I think S6 is starting to have trouble with the sit. (I still maintain discipline, but I have been trying to give more latitude for acting out.) Perhaps that is making her feel that I am being competitive.

Good heads up, I need to keep an eye on this. It's what started the "argument" last week.




I like this, we did a little of this a few weeks ago, like renting movies, but it has slacked off. I need to gently start back up on my end.




Oh boy, this might be a 2x4 moment.

I don't know. I never even considered the question.

I truly don't know. She has never indicated that she has felt that way or even broached the topic.

We've been pretty far geographically for them for the last 7 years, rare visits, phone calls, etc. Before that we did see them regularly.

But she definately knows how tight we are.

She doesn't have friends like that, in fact not too many friends at all. She has always seemed to have trouble making friends. Often, only with the wives of my friends.

Wow, you sure can make me think.

Thanks bro.

Hey buddy, I was catching up on your sitch and a lot of thoughts came to mind; direct personal experiences, experiences from other people I know, things I have read, classes I have taken, etc. I read like crazy. Always have. The sad thing was that I avoided the bible for a very long time. I have no idea why except maybe I wasn't ready to take in what it had to say. To me the bible is like the ultimate 2x4, wrapped in love.

tfh, I can almost accurately determine a person's character and if they are genuine during one or two conversations. Posting on an anonymous board makes it difficult because you cannot hear how a person speaks, what they say, the conviction and the hesitation that can occur either on the phone or in person. Our conversation the other day told me that you are a person that means what they say and that your concern for your wife is very real. What I mean is that you are not reacting to this situation simply because of the moment. You really care about her and what happens between you two. Let me know if I am wrong about this.

My point is that your wife and all of our spouses for that matter, live for the moment. None of them are planners. They think they are. They have these fantasies in their minds about how wonderful their lives would be if they could only dump their current spouse. We have caused all of their problems or so they believe. In most cases, the children are not directly included in this fantasy that their current situation is horrible and must be jettisoned at all costs. I say that the children are not "blamed" but in so many of the situations here, I have seen the children hurt over and over again. When the parent that has "lost their mind" makes their irrational choice to break up the family, the kids are simply collateral damage to the needs of the parent. Any which way you look at it, whether the parent ignores the children completely or if they are around the children, they are still not thinking of the children.

As our spouses "live for the moment" we need to think long term. That can be very challenging as our spouses can spew or do other things that are completely and morally objectionable. I know I feel like I need to defend myself, especially with the rewriting of history that is common. When I think about where I am going to be one year or more down the road, I think about how I would have wanted to handle the confrontations and other issues regarding my family. Even if my M is not restored, I know eventually that my W will think about how everything transpired and how I conducted myself.

I believe what I have read that the decision to permanently end the M rests on the LBS. So much evidence shows that most of the MLCers and other WAS eventually realize their mistakes and wish they could repair the damage to the R [b]BUT[/], in most cases, the LBS has "moved on" and is no longer available, either emotionally or physically.

TFH, I wanted to respond to some of your comments in several of your posts.

When you said that you are concerned that when you are taking the "high road" it may be for suspect reasons, I would not worry about it. I have heard from so many people that we could be considerd "holier-than-thou" or "controlling" or "superior" and that is typically a bunch of...well, you know! If you are doing the right thing, for the right reasons, there is nothing wrong with it. If you are taking the high road because you want to change and you love your family, you have nothing to worry about. Everyone can buy into their own press but don't worry if you momentarily feel proud of yourself. When that happens, put it into perspective that you are not doing it for yourself only but for your family, and forget about it.

Regarding the anger and indifference argument, there is a lot to be said about the accuracy of your comments and responses that you receive. For those out there where the spouse seems indifferent at times, don't let that make you think that your spouse is over you. They are all over the place emotionally and some are so depressed that they almost become a person that lacks nearly all emotions. So, even someone who seems indifferent may either be in a severe depression or they may have a lot of distractions removing you from their vision.

Sorry for the long post but I really admire you for handling things so well.

Be consitstent in your changes if they are good ones.

I cannot state how much I agree with Jack.

If I was changing to meet my Ws current desires, I would be sleeping around with many differnt women, getting tattoos (nothing wrong with tats -- just not for me ), partying and even possibly a bizarre R with her.

I am making changes in my life that I need to make for myself by doing the right thing. Long term, I believe, she will appreciate that I didn't give into these types of temptations but for now, I believe it really aggravates her. I still am doing these things for myself and to be a role model for my children.

5 metal plates, 9.5 hours of reconstructive surgery, but I have my birthday still. : ) And honestly, if not for Pvt Windham I wouldn't be here today. He was too small to take on the four thugs, but he got reinforcements damn quick. : )

That incident made me re-evalute my life, so I cannot be angry about it, Karma and I am a better person for it. Plus I got to pull the best ever practical joke on my mom using a microwave because of it.

Holy cow man, you are one tuff SOB! That sounds like a lot more than a bar fight. That original low-G2 Marine must have said something REALLY stupid. Pvt Winham must have got that guy's share of intelligence, thank God. I hope the reinforcments were thorough.

I'm imagining the possibilities for that joke.

You're not. If I'm wrong about the MLC, and she finds true happiness with someone else, I can accept that for me. I still have trouble swallowing it for my sons, but that is not my decision to make.

I guess part of what makes the whole thing tough for me is that I identify myself with the family unit. The family is greater than the sum of the parts. The good of the family is more important than what I want. I think that is what I can't understand about her thinking.




That's exactly what I meant when I said I suppose she thinks I'm just going to disappear after the D.




This is why I asked her to give me custody. I have no "real" grounds, but this is real to me, you, and most of us here. I'm their primary care-giver in the emotional sense, but she has developed a paranoia of what other people think. I believe she is terrified of what people would think of her if she gave up the kids. She almost lost it when her co-workers started asking her if she was having an affair with OM, accusing me of planting rumors. Pretty ironic considering the EA / OM happened at work.



I don't know precisely how to think about this part. I know that I will be D in about 2 months. My focus now is on GAL for me, so I can be the man I was / want to be after that happens. For me, for my sons, for her if she comes back. I hope that this is something she wants, but I have no control over that. Done.

I intend to stand for my marriage. I hope that I can do this well, and for a long while. I worry about this sometimes, how long can I stand? How much can I take? What is right? I hope that by then I will be "hearing" better than before.



No worries my friend, post as long as you like, I could use the help, and I'm trying to catch up to Jarhead.

I really appreciate your viewpoint, and thanks for the compliment. I usually overanalyze and think I'm NOT handling things well.

No you don't. You think you will, and you should stop that as well. Belief is power.



More than you ever imagined. It will surprise you and amaze you, honest. I know how proud of myself I was; as ragged and beat as I was, I was and am still proud, and I am willing to bet that you like me have some high measuring sticks to compare that to, both outside, role models, and inside, achievments.

BTW,

Thanks, tough SOB, yeah I'm kinnda hard to kill. : )