Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis TLC???

Thanks for the feedback and support.
My S is doing very well. I've been blessed with two wonderful children. He sleeps well and gives me 5 to 6 hours between feeds at night. In fact I'm getting more sleep now that I was in the weeks before his birth (after the bomb dropped). He is my angel and both my S & D are my daily inspiration to keep going. I want to give them the family they deserve and I want them to have their father healthy and well.

This sounds weird, but it feels so good to hear other people say how messed he must be. I some how find it comforting to know that this is happening because he is messed up...that makes more sense than it's just happening because he doesn't love me anymore.

That's why I'm so grateful for this forum. Seeing how scripted his behavours have been up until now and seeing the direction it is going helps me to keep faith that he/we will eventually push through it. I find myself (as I see many others doing) trying to figure out the timelines and I know that is not possible. Does anybody know much about Replay and the progression to the awakening? Does the awakening require triggers as the initial crisis does? If so, what would some of those be?

I thought the birth of his son would trigger something, but he's in fact gotten worse. He just seems so taken by the OW, I believe that she is pulling his strings and he believes he is so in love with her he's going to go along w/ whatever she says.

He was somewhat civil this morning when he picked up D for school. Didn't project the crazy anger he has been. It's amazing that is my positive for the day..."he was somewhat civil"!
I caught him this morning while holding our S staring off in space...I wish I could have read his mind. I want to believe that at least sometimes he's questioning himself.
Time and patience...that's what it needs.
J~

My H is OW puppet too. How long have the been together?
NC

Hi Jeenny.

Just read through your situation. your H sounds like mine with the anger and the new OW.

I have found comfort reminding myself that he is in the honeymoon period with this woman. Soon the rosy glow will wear off. he has been with her 14 weeks now (Woo Hoo) peanuts compared to over 15 years with me . . .

I know what you mean about the anger. My H said something to me a while back . . . You always get angry and ingnorant when you have done something you know is wrong. I think he was talking about himself...I really do feel that my H is angry with himself. He knows he has let our son down, it must hurt like hell. OW is a constant reminder of what he has lost and the reason why...

I also fret terribly about OW meeting my son. I remember my H telling me that when his parents split up his dad had OW and he hated her and lost a lot of respect for his dad...why do that to our son then? I just don't get it!

NC

Jenny,

Good advice, but you need to know why.
Self protection finaincially and for the kids is the obvious reason, but ther eare other reasons when you are Standing.

Those lawyers or mediators that work with both parties work to get both parties to agree--just as it would be with separate lawyers. But whose interestis paramount? Since each opposing party is the lawyer's client, no interest is greater. If you agreed on everything, it would be a great way to proceed.

But by definition that is not possible to agree with everything if you are Standing. One person wants a divorce the other does not. This is uncrossable territory...no agreement. You disagree on grounds--and that there should be a divorce at all. A single lawyer cannot bring that to agreement.

And in most places it does seem we cannot legally stop a divorce...eventually. A few years may need to go by, but sometimes the separation and waitying period states make it seem even easier to divorce after the waiting period--no contesting at all! I don't know what it's like in Canada, but there are likely similarities.

MLCers want this process to be smooth and easy. And that's not an MLC trait, who wouldn't? If two people mutually agree to divorce, they want it to be cordial, smooth and easy too.

But you are not going to make this easy on him. No, that doesn't mean you're going to make it difficult either. It is not your job to make it anything...no helping at all.

Get you own lawyer who understands your goals--reconciliation. Contest the divorce and disagree with whatever you can.
Do waht you need to protect yourself financially.

He will be pissed that you are going out on your own for this. TOUGH. "That's the way these things work Sweetheart." And when he wants to discuss the legal proceedings--refer him to the lawyers...and yeah, he'll get pissed again.

Do not fear the anger. Be consistent. His goal is to be angry at you so you break. Your goal is to be loving to him--softening his anger and paving a safe path home. The road is paved with consistency.


Oh No! That likley triggered him all right...triggered cold fear. MLCers (and others) run from fear.
He cannot handle this added responsibility right now and so he is seeking escape.

Let him go. Protect yourself and take care of those babies. He's going to spend some time spinning and you don't want to be caught in that web.


HUGS,
RCR

Thanks for the advice RCR. He does want it to be that smooth and did mention that we do not need lawyers for this if we don't want. My reply was, 'yeah...if I go along with whatever you want'.
I have bought myself a couple months, but I will be retaining the lawyer.
See, I've been attacking this DB'ing like I have to go along with whatever he says. But I'm realizing that isn't the case. Also, I think showing him a strong, independant person who's going to stand up for herself might be a 180 that would surprise him. Sure, it'll piss him off more...but hopefully once R with the OW self destructs he'll start to see my changes as positive.

EA started about a year and half ago and PA started in January. I got pregnant in early Feb...yes it was planned!! He'd shown some opposition and we had decided to wait a few months before we tried again...3 days later I found out I was already preggo.

She broke it off with him in Aug 'cause his lies caught up with him there. 2 weeks later he dropped the bomb. They've been slowly getting back together since...now he's talking like it's pretty serious. Makes me sick.

He maintains he's going to take care of his kids. In fact he says he wants 50/50 custody. This scares me to death. Why should I lose my kids half the time when he made these choices. Another reason why I need to get the lawyer. That is one reason he is pushing to sell the house so he has his own place he can take the kids.

One of my greatest worries right now is how far down this path of self destruction he is going to go before he wakes up. I'm worried about how much more damage he's going to cause (for himself, me and the kids) before he comes around. Will he come around??
I find the patterns I read about comforting, but I do worry about how much worse he can get...especially when this is SO out of character for him.
J~

My H has serious daddy issues. His Dad left his mom for another W in FLA about 7 yrs ago. He abandonded his 3 kids too...H and his sisters are adults now. His Dad came back out of the blue a year and half ago to give his Mom a divorce and H let him meet our D. H thought this would be what would trigger him to want to be involved in his kids lives. Instead his dad left and we haven't heard from him since.
This killed him. Shut him down emotionally. It's the trigger that I believe started this whole crisis. His mother likens it to a death...a death with no body. No mourning...no closure. That was when is EA started.

H defends what he is doing and differentiates himself from his father by saying he would never abandon his kids. He says, "Marriages break down, people fall out of love...but you don't abandon your kids". He also said, "I was never mad at my dad for what he did to mom, I was mad for what he did to us kids". Shows you where his head is at.

Thing is, I was the one who helped is whole family through the madness when his dad left. I was their rock. I was his mothers shoulder to cry on. He's forgotten all of that. He's forgotten all the horrible things his Dad made everyone feel and now he's doing the same...worse in my opinion with a newborn.

RCR mentioned to me on another post that I don't want to stop or prevent my H's crisis otherwise he'll have a much worse one at mid life. See...his Dad had affairs when his kids were young that no one knew about. He never did anything about it and look what happened 20 yrs later! RCR...you are bang on. Hopefully that's why H is going thru this now. I just hope that there is hope for us out of it!!! I believe in him...somehow through all of this I still believe in him and love him. Call me crazy!

J~

I'm posting like crazy here, but I just have so much going on in my head I have to get it out!

My H just brought D home. He held newborn S for about 15 min's and left. He was rude & angry to me...again. Left w/out saying good-bye and slammed the door. It is so hard to feel this anger directed toward me especially when I am not doing anything to provoke it. I am hurting so badly because of it and I don't know what to do.
One reason he's mad is 'cause I'm not pumping my milk yet (S is only 5 wks old). He wants to be able to take him out...w/out me. He doesn't get that I'm not ready for that...the pumping or being away from him. But he thinks I'm doing it to keep his S from him. That is not why, why does he think I am suddenly that bad of a person? Why can't he for one minute see what I am going thru w/ a newborn?

How do I defend mtself without getting defensive?? How do I deal with his unreasonable anger toward me??
Any help is MUCH appreciated...J~

Anger is GUILT turned outward. Remember this. The angrier he is, the guiltier he feels, most likely.

Stick to the high road. Be the calm, beautiful madonna (contrast with OW's whore!).

Ellie

Can he identify it as guilt or is this all subconcious??

Subconscious - definitely. Trust me, he doesn't have much CONSCIOUS thinking going on at ALL right now.