Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Mixed signals - catfan's continual saga part???

Little update, she's pulling back further. She also gave me her response to the sep agreement changes I asked for. Basically she said no to most of it. I'm afraid this is building up to get really, really ugly which basically has just put me in a down mood today.

ookay.. well, you're gonna have to give up thoughts of reconciliation for a while then, sounds like, and just focus on not getting screwed over.

it's quite likely she's gonna dangle all kinds of little enticements while you're in negotiations...
dont be fooled.
time to stand tough.

remember: if you give in on stuff in the separation agreement, for better favour with her... her good graces arent going to last for you anyway.
and if you DONT give in, and she pulls a, "well how can I continue to be nice to you when you were /so horrible/ in the sep agreement' and shuts you out then... you know it was all just an act to try to soften you up anyway.

AFTER you get the sep. agreement done.. then its time to see what she is truely open to, once more.

Dom I am fairly certain her stand has a lot more to do with a fear that we'd return to our old marriage and the things she didn't like. I don't think she's actively trying to dangle enticements but I do think a lower motivation for her being nice is to keep the peace and not be the "bad guy". I am fairly convinced that she really doesn't want a divorce. She's admitted several times now that she would like to fall back in love with me. But fear it seems is preventer her along with pride. She's one to stick to her decisions, she's not a wishy-washy decision maker. I also think she still wants to prove to herself she can live on her own and be responsible for herself. Along with wanting to experience being on her own. We married right after she graduated so she's never been on her own.

So if I want this to work I have to be extra careful about everything I do now. She read my requested changes to the agreement as me being greedy and not having changed at all because she read it as me not wanting to support our family. So I am in a very delicate position right now. No WE are in a very delicate position right now.

This is what they ALL say. It's standard script.
FYI, mine is doing it too, at this very moment. It's all part of manipulating you to get what they want.
She actually used the line, "you just want to hurt me, and you're hurting our children because of it!"

Which is total bull... she has sufficient money, if she just decides to stop spending hundreds of dollars on her own entertainments, etc. She wants to have the same standard of living that she would if we were married... without remaining married. I'm betting yours is shooting for the same thing.


if you want to avoid direct conflict with her, then say, well, I just want whats fair for both of us. but I dont want to fight with you about it. lets just let lawyers fight it out.

Which of course, she will protect greatly (blah blah too much money blah blah), but the real reason is because she believes that she can manipulate you into getting what she wants, whereas she cant do that to your lawyer.

You must not give her settlement terms she wants, just to avoid angering her, in vain hopes that it will make your reconciliation easier. it wont. Giving her more money, just makes her life without you easier, and makes it more likely for her to stay away.


"you being greedy"? What about HER being greedy? Doesnt she have a job? (if not, she should GET a job! welcome to the real world!)

Any time she accuses you of something, immediately try to remember, "does this apply just as equally to her?"

bottom line: your children need food, clothing, and shelter. Everything above that, is her being greedy.

Go Dom.

I am right there with you. My wife is doing the same thing. She wants to leave me but wants the same standard of living.

Cat,

Don't be the bad guy, let the lawyers fight it out.

Alright I need some help, I am almost at a point where I want to throw in the towel. I'm not talking lovingly detaching but giving up. I am really tired of limboland, tired of always feeling rejection any time we have interaction, tired of feeling bad, tired of being away from my kids and family and tired of feeling that I am not in control of my own life here. But I am really tired of the feeling that she's leading me on with her indecisiveness and expecting I'll put my life on hold until she figures hers out.

I feel for you catfan. I have those thoughts a few times a month. Situations are all different but I look at my wife going thru what ever it is she needs too. I am not happy with it, but at the time being I cannot do anything to change it. I also feel sometimes she is leading me on, she may be. She also may really be lost in her own thoughts and needs to find herself, if that is the case then it is worth me putting my life on hold for the time being. If it is just leading me on, she will have to live with that later on, figure out how to explain to whoever what happened, not I.
This time I am using just to better myself and be the best person and dad that I can, if it works out we should be closer than ever in the long run, if not I will still be a better person for the experience.

Not sure if that made any sense, but it does in my own head.

catfan..hang in there buddy......the BT is wishing you the best....even though i am doing quite well overall and am 104 days(whos counting!) post D i still go to sleep at night wondering if tomorrow will be the day she wakes up.... no matter what happens you go on anyway...for your kids and for yourself...this really is out of your control....take care of yourself my friend...BT

BT, it's good to hear you are doing good! Now maybe our Cowboys will give us something to really cheer about this year.

Yep I know that feeling about our wives waking up all too well. However this whole thing is starting to really wear me down. My internal fortitude is showing signs of breaking. Loneliness is the biggest culprit there. That is loneliness of not having someone to share/do things with rather than from having friends to share and do stuff with. I've got plenty of friends to hang around with and talk with but there's that little bit that's still missing.

Well keep your chin up!

yup yup...
werent' YOU the guy who suggested looking up local "fun stuff" to do on meetups.com?

so.. go do it already quit focusing on your wife, and focus on you for a while. forget about her for a bit, and just Go Have Fun!