Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? new here. Feel like dying

He didn't show up because he was too mad. I offered for him to take the kids and I wouldn't go. He said he didn't want to see anyone or be around anyone, but he wanted me to show him "good faith" by taking the kids without him. Funny thing, NO one asked me where he was. Maybe he called first to explain?

I've told h time and again that he needs anger management classes. That never goes over well, but I'm going to insist if we begin marriage counseling/reconciling. He also needs to see a counselor that specializes in cops. They're a strange breed.

hiya,

sorry that you did this. (agree, when you dont really agree to his conditions)
I think it will blow up on you, and one of you is going to have a meltdown. You havent really resolved things between you, and what your marriage is supposed to be like.

Cops have to have the whole "authority" thing going on for them.
It's a job, that dictates that you take on a particular type of personality, i think.
particularly if you're in **central la**.

If you move... then he will have a new job. even if its still "cop", it will be different.
I think you would see a new side of him.

BTW: i still think he's wrong to demand hou mow the lawn.
Anyone knows, in a "traditional" type marriage, it's the man that mows the lawn. the woman takes care of the INSIDE of the home

I'm sorry I agreed to his conditions as well. The hardest condition (moving) is NOT going to happen until/unless things are well resolved between us. I think we'd both agree on that.
We're not in central LA. We're in central CA, which is about 4hrs north of LA. But, we are in what is considered the "meth capitol". So, yes a lot of crap here. Drugs, crime, prostitution, etc... (where he works. Not where we live.) HE thinks if we move to TN his job will consist of helping old ladies cross the street and the such. WHICH, I think would bore him to death. He likes the danger (SWAT, bomb disposal, etc...). But honestly, a don't think I'd see a new side of him. He's changed his job several times, always looking for what could make him happy...that I don't believe he knows how to be happy. TN or CA, cop or...RN, or whatever "job de jour" he chooses. He's not a happy person.

I think the whole lawn mowing thing was just to push my buttons. He knows damn well that he had nothing to do, and very well could have come mow the lawn. I'm kinda glad I did it. I was able to work-off some aggression pushing that thing (once I figured out how to get it started).

That night I was so mad I changed the ringtone on my cell-phone for when h calls me. Instead of ringing to Keith Urban's "Who's your daddy?" it rings to the Veronica's "leave me alone." I know Dom will tell me this is disrepectful, but it felt good. And, h doesn't hear my phone ring when he calls me anyway.

So, now I've agreed to his conditions. Oh, this could so lead to a meltdown on my part...

Hmmm....

"The hardest condition (moving) is NOT going to happen until/unless things are well resolved between us. I think we'd both agree on that."

Unless you _know_ that's clear.. .i'd say that needs to be cleared up asap ?!



I dont think you should make assumptions about motivations.
he really could have been nagging you, simply because according to the current scheme of things, "it's your job", and you hadnt done it.

If you're ok with it being your job... how about doing a better, more regular job of it?
If you're NOT ok with it being your job... then I suggest get an agreement as such out of him.

I've read some amount of what you might call passive-agressive anger on your part. You get really angry and frustrated about problems... but you dont seem to make moves to fix them. You just seem to want to stay angry about them.

What makes a good marriage, is when people try to resolve problems.
What makes a marriage lousy, is when a whole lotta crud builds up, and pepole would rather get angry and leave, than work together.


I know you're in a tough spot.. your husband isnt the most cooperative of people. downright ornery, in fact.
How about choosing to work on things that you CAN fix, though? I think there are things you complained about over the last few weeks, that it is in your power to fix, or at least improve, rather than just stewing over them.

ms ladybug,
others on the board will have far greater adice than I.
Did notice you mentioned H stated you didn't respect him.

You hear, you don't Love me. Go to library and pick up this bobk. Helped me see things and understand our relationship a lot better.
oops, just realized I didnot save title in my bookreview note book. Ok, go to library and look for a book titled : Love and Respect or Respect and Love, author is male. You will know you've found correct book as soon as you start reading.

Hi grid, I have that book. In fact it was recommended by our marriage counselor right before the sep.
It's a tough read for me at times. I kinda start feeling like, "what? He doesn't deserve this!". I KNOW...it's in the book. It's not about what they deserve, it's about what we are commanded to do from God.
There is a Love and Respect seminar coming to my area in Feb. I'd kinda like to go.

I feel very sorry for you, for putting yourself in the hands of this maniac, there is no other word for it, maybe you are so used to his abuse that the things he does to you (screaming on your face, verbally abusing you pretty much all the time, etc) are the norm.
It scares the heck out of me that you'd even consider for a second to bow down to his will just because of a little old man's sweet story about his dying wife, perhaps you forgot the beginning of his story, the did NOT argue, she told she LOVED him, you are being horribly abused right and left.
If he treats you like this while separated, I shudder to think how he'd be once you are far away from your family with only him around.

He mentioned how he wanted you to go counceling, why can't you two go and perhaps there you can bring up all his mad ideas? perhaps, by a miracle, he might start to see how overbearing and bruttish he is being.

Take care, love yourself enough to envision a future where you are loved and respected, where your kids see their mom happy and not abused.

He went to a counselor yesterday for individual counseling. She only counsels cops, and doesn't do marriage counseling. So, we won't be going together. I asked him again about marriage counseling, and aparently his counselor yesterday told him that we both need to be in IC for awhile and MC later. She also told him not to hurry to move back home (good advice, thank GOD).

I feel good with him in counseling and out of the house. He's NOT moving back home without a few of MY conditions met first. I suspect it's going to be a long road ahead of us, but this may be the road to him making some changes. I don't know if he sees it yet, as he still blames it all on me and keeps asking if I'M willing to change, but I think with him in IC, any counselor worth their weight will see what he needs to work on.

thank heavens for that, that he goes to IC. In a way, my H is also there, broken and unable to give of himself because he doesn't even know what he wants/who he is. It makes sense. I hope that in time he sees how unreasonable he is being.

It will be a long road but it should be for the better, he's very toxic now and needs lots of help. Being a cop adds a new dimension to the whole problem, I too am married to one, and there are lots of things that the families are unaware of.

A great read is "I love a cop" , for families of officers, will teach you a lot.

I have that book too. But, I haven't read it. I start to, and then get angry that he is so defined by his job that I have to have a book to understand him. I guess it goes back on my nightstand tonight. Sigh...