Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Piecing - H still contacts OW

You are so very welcome,, it put a smile on my face to know I helped someone. I too needed encouragement like you state you do while I was " dB'ing". When everyone around was not suportive I got support and even praise here from other DB'ers. A real blessing, I do believe had it not been for this Forum Things may not have turned out so well. And Of course for my hard work too. And yes he wil nmot give many details and he will be buttoned lip @ it. I cannot say when and if he will ever "open up" or not but from my own experience. My H told me too much at first and I did not ask...
..... and then he stopped altogether and if I brought it up which was not often ( I made myself a promise and my H to never mention it again as if it never happened if and when he came home and was committed to me and she was completely out of the picture!!) he would get angry spme or say I do not want to talk about it. And then I remember several months into reconciliation... When he asked why I could not open up sexually I said b/c of her. And he explained in great detail she meant nothing to him that she had begged, and begged some more and pleaded for him to reconsider and he told her NO!!!!
I told him well thank you for that info it helps some but I wish you would have told me sooner, he says OH I thought I told you?

Yet even after he told me I still had a lot of soul searching to do and he was very hard on me,, I had to pull myself up alone and like I told you just recently has he been very supportive ans respectful and sweet too. Sure he was nice before but he was stil holding back that is certain! He had to TRUST me FIRST!! Silly as that sounds. He told me In January and it stung like hell ,BTW, that our "R" wasn't as gooD as he would hope and he felt sad for us,, and it upset me , pissed me off but he was actaully right!

I was still basically carrying a torch for his OW, the pain of what he had done and I was standing still , he was ready to go FORWARD AND I WAS STUCK IN FEAR. Holding onto my pain for dear life afraid to walk forward ALONE . HE MIGHT HURT ME AGAIN.

So yes every situation is different and everyone is different. But it does seem you are similiar to me in that you need encouragement. Give yourself a pat on the back every now and again too. The more you grow and love yourself and the stronger you become the easier this becomes with or without their support.
Sure OUR H's can help but we need to strong enough to have our own wings and fly when we need to.

Take care and smile thru your tears.. you can do it.
God bless...

Journaling.
OK. I did something very bad yesterday. Major argument with H. Basically I told him that I was very resentful that he still contacts OW intentionally and he knows that with each contact he is hurting me. Plus lots of other nasty stuff. H got very mad and asked if I want him back or not, that I am punishing him and making him pay. I said that is definitely not my intention but I also feel he is putting more effort into OW, talking to her more than talking to me (we talk, but more like roommates/partner talk, just like most families, right?) He kept saying it's only one more month and it will be over and he will not come back, (meaning I should just let it be). I told him I fear that he will change his mind at the last minute, and I feel like I am not getting any reassurance from him that he is moving towards ending this (give him credit, all contacts are now at work time). It is too long to get into all the details. Essentially, h got mad, I got mad. It was good that both of us let some steam out, bad in the sense that I may have pushed him away and could possibly lead him to seeing ow again.
Today though we had a good day, back to being very nice to each other. I reread DR and realized I am starting to do all the nagging and pushing and yelling that I am not supposed to do. So I need to remind myself to reread the book and DB again, like praising the good points and not push.
I am still trying to let go of my resentment that he is not introducing me to all of his friends. Some are ow's friends also but supposedly they do not know about A between h and OW. I told him I want him to show me off as his wife at our goodbye party with friends. He said yes before but now decided to cancel the party. I am guessing that these "friends" know about A which is why he is not having a party and this pisses me off. Deep in my heart i know I should let it go but I have trouble to. Hopefully time will take care of this.
I think I need to buy a big STOP sign and paste it in front of my desk. To stop myself thinking about OW all the time.

I used to need to STOP myself too and must admit mow a year later after the BOMB.. I am in a much better place just this past month...
.....but I honestly believe that we hold onto the OW BS longer than they do.... as my H was depressed when he broke it off or when he told me they had a fight like if I was his Roomate and not his wife of ten years I almost passed out!!!

I also a few times would confront him @ OW,, when I needed boundaries .. and to keep my sanity.
Try to stay calm and try not to think of her....


I know, I know easier said than done....
....it took my H @3 months I would say to fully get her out. Contact stopped but he kept "reminders". PLus she is my SIL best friend so I still have to hear @ her! GUILT plays a big part in this too... he would say he didnt give a SH*T but then save pics she sent to him?
Hang in there hopefully you did not backslide too much and maybe you just needed to clear the air?
Hang in there you can do this just know it sometimes feels like it at a snails pace.
God bless..

OC,

Remember we all take two steps forward and one back. This is a long slow process and even when you move away I fear your H will still be dealing with emotional issues re: OW. Stay the course, watch for the small positive steps. He could be saying he doesn't want to stay married and that he doesn't think he'll ever be able to love you (like my H). You are in a rough spot right now - just breathe and do something for YOU!! You ROCK!!

HB

Thanks for all the support. Alimari and HB. H is feeling tremendous guilt of dumping her. he feels like he cannot cut off all contact (he is hoping she will find another boyfriend/husband and probably live happily ever after). Which means he will be contacting her for a LONG time, though long distance. I don't know when this will end. On one hand, I am glad that he is very nice to me otherwise, but I do not have 100% of him. I think I have to work on letting it go and hope she does move on. I admire you all for having so much patience. I do not currently. But i am reading and reading and trying to improve on keeping patience. Once again, I am glad there is this board.
HB, hang in there, like you said, there are ups and downs.

I had some thoughts today.
I think my biggest problem is with him not being honest still, about her. There are things that just does not add up unless he is still seeing her. I can get past the seeing part. However, with him not being honest, I feel like:
- we are still heading towards D way, rather than hit the lowest point, and he is now being honest and it's turning around
- If he is lying, I cannot accept that every other nice things that he is doing is not "just a lie"

When he does tell you the truth about a sensitive issue watch how you handle it. If he thinks he's going to be 'punished' for his admissions he is less likely to be so truthful....

BABY STEPS!!!

He did tell me he feels like i a punishing him. one thing I really need to stop is being sarcastic. That really shuts him off. And right now it does not help because even innocent comments were taken as sarcastic by him.
We did have an open and honest talk last night. Nothing new really just rehash of how he is feeling unwelcome at home yet he is scared of me leaving, and that I am suspicious of everything. I will admit here :-) that I am doing pretty bad lately in DB. I am pushing a lot and alternating between being very nice, and being quite nasty to him. I have major problem with doing the STOP sign part. I think all the suppressed anger and resentment are all coming out.
HB, a big THANK YOU for your very good advice. I will need to watch it when he talks about OW. He is already very reluctant about this subject because he feels that it's over and we should move on. For me, however, I am the type who needs to know all the details before I can move on. He is letting it out slowly but I have to make sure I do not shut him down with my sarcastic/nasty words. THANKS!

Boy does this sound familiar... it's so hard finding a balance between stuff you really DO need to address vs "am I just saying this to throw it in his face." I even get that sarcastic streak sometimes, so I know what you mean.

Don't really have advice other than what you already know yourself, but wanted to let you know I empathize completely!

One thing I can tell you...is YOU NEED TO GIVE HIM TIME TO GET OVER HER!!!

My H had an A...he was talking marriage...he thought he truly loved her...he left me and the kids over her...when he did return he couldn't tell me he loved me...I realized after talking to his sister that it was going to take time...he disclosed to her just months before returning home how much OW meant to him...when you "think" you love someone it will take time...

With you H he probably feels like her saviour...see her H died...he stepped in to save her...protect her...he needs to have someone take that role from him because he doesn't want to hurt her again...I know it isn't fair that he is hurting you and not really seeming to give it thought...but he depends on you to understand...again not fair...but that is how it is..

My advice is give him time to "unlove" her...give him time to let go of her...hopefully she will find someone once he is physically removed from the situation...then you can set future boundries...like if it comes up for him to return to work there for a "short 2 weeks" tell him NO...if he leaves he moves out...you won't go down that road a second time...if he has a choice of work locations he needs to excercise that right to protect the family...but again...getting over the OW takes time...it isn't as easy as flipping a switch...being home doesn't make it go away...being in contact makes it last longer...but give him time or you will drive him right back...

It took my H over a year after returning home to tell me he loved me...and it was almost 2 years after OW was out of his life...so, it does take some time for some people...

Hang in there...take care...and DB...you will be ok....LIN