Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums We're separated--What Now? Still trying to win WAW back (#2)

Sara,
Unfortunately it is not possible right now. She is refusing to entertain anything to do with our marriage. I think until she works through her issues she does not want to think about us. I hope that when she's ready she will be willing to do that. My fear is that she will try to make a decision on her own and only if she thinks she is able to commit then she would be willing to work on the marriage. To me that is backward and could be fatal to our marriage. Since things like Retrouvaille will provide hope and understanding so one can make a more informed decision.....

You are so right. I think you said that her counselor recommended Retrouvaille, and she still rejected it. Hopefully this mood will pass, and she'll go back to a more cooperative one.

Alright, so apparently the nice sex last Sunday has set us back quite a bit. Even though she said she doesn't regret it and it was probably one of the best if not the best we've ever had. We were a lot closer before that. Now the wife was confused by her feelings. And admits that since she is confused, she's just in full retreat pulling back. I expected a backlash but just not that much... So how soon will the backlash go away and please tell me it won't take me another 3 weeks or maybe more to get to where we were? Also, does this mean I should avoid intimacy with her at all cost?

Dave,

Honey, you need to ask a professional psychologist those questions. We can't answer them.

Yeah I don't get to see my T until next Tuesday. Just wondering if anyone had similar experiences....

D, those are some tough questions. How was you sex life/intimacy with your with her prior to last Sunday?

Well lets see, Throughout the years we've always had one or another issues that prevented us having a satisfying one. There were times she was shying away from me and rejecting me, and vice versa. We just weren't communicating right. However, it dramatically changed since May when we finally communicated and opened up and felt safe to tell each other what we want and since then it was pretty good. Sad that we finally both realized that we both like sex but it was towards her wanting to end the M. Sucks that it took so long to happen.... If we weren't in this S with her enforcing the rules that she doesn't want to be intimate with me while working through the problems, I think we would be having a lot of fun. I also think it would contributes toward a lot of healing if she isn't so scared of her feelings for me.... It's like she fears that the intimacy part will cloud her judgement and she won't make the right decision.

It seems like the only decision that is acceptable to her is to reject you. Otherwise feeling close to you would be points on your side and bring her closer to wanting you back. She rejects the feeling of wanting you. Is that a fair decisionmaking process?

I just think that her fear of if things progress and then she gets hurt again is too great. It comes in line with her not sure if she can believe that I am different and that I truly love her for who she is.... So whenever she starts have more feelings for me she pulls back instead of accepting those feelings. I sure hope time and slow/steady progress may change things for her. It just sucks that we were doing well in that department.... Don't know how easy it will be for her to let her guard down again this time....

So I am very down right now. Don't know what in the world is going on. Went to China for a week to visit a slowly fading grandmother, probably the last time I'll ever see her. Everyday I called the W to see how she's doing with the kids and talk to the kids and etc. Very pleasant conversation. Usually lasts almost an hour. Comes back today. Had about 2 hours of sleep on a super long flight. W and kids picked me up at the airport. One thing led to another talked about how she didn't miss me at all the entire week. That supposedly she clarity on some stuff and that she's done wants a divorce. She's happier without me and she doesn't see things ever working out. WTF? She said that after 7 years she doesn't think I can change and she doesn't believe I can just flip around and love her for all of her just like that and she probably won't ever believe that. How the heck am I suppose to show her I'm a different person when she doesn't even give me the time of the day to do that? Since the kids are just fine when I was gone, she things that the divorce won't be a problem for them at all. I guess her T has told her to stop stringing me along if she has made up her mind.

Let's not even talk about her anger and resentment. She thinks the major issue that won't make the M work is that our personality aren't compatible. She thinks we rushed into our marriage and she never thought about all this. She says she's not physically attracted to me any longer. Ok, let's talk about personality. How "fun" am I suppose to be after 2 kids and having absolutely no life outside of this family? The caring of my daughter completely burned me out when I had to take care of her as a new born, my son as a 2 year old, and my wife suffering a severe case of postpartum. Now I'm just boring old Dave. Can't laugh or joke or be goofy. Yeah I'm somewhat of an introvert, but I wasn't boring enough for her to marry me.... We have not gone out on a date or had a private vacation for 4 years. And by the time we started to, it was too late for her. And how much fun am I now that I can't have much to do with her? So she doesn't like the way I talk to her. She feels like I talk down to her and make her feel stupid. Well, that certainly isn't my intention and I don't want her to feel like that. Well, I'm sorry that that's the way my father did it and it's ingrained in 31 years of my life. Having an job that's engineering/computer based doesn't exactly help either when you spend most of the time proving people wrong. I am trying to change, give me a chance. She's writing us off w/o even letting me have some time to show her the changes. Are those two things really deal breakers when I am honestly trying to improve? And the physical attraction thing. Obviously it's there when we got together. So I was more physically fit back then. Well, I'm working on getting back in shape. Well, I weigh less than she does, nothing I can do about that. That's her problem she needs to get over with. If she wants me to gain weight, then let me move back in and stop the all the nightmare/stress I'm in. According to her, we have passion when we have sex. I don't get how you can have amazing and passionate sex and then turn around and tell me that there's no physical attraction. Can a woman please enlighten me on this?

Also, all of sudden she thinks that even though she believes I am genuinely sorry for what I've done, I have not own up the responsibility for hurting her. She thinks that I did them because I was a jerk but I keep saying that I didn't know what the hell I was doing and that's avoiding owning up. Well, yes I was selfish, but I certainly wasn't trying to be a jerk and doing it to her just to hurt her. She's the love of my life for crying out loud. Why in the world would I marry her and do those things to her just to make her miserable? I really just didn't know any better. *sigh* She also thinks I will never change from being selfish. Ok....whatever.... And according to her I'm a good person, but good people can be selfish people to. Why is this so hard? I realize I'm being selfish and that's hurting my W, so I stop doing that because that's not what I want. Behavior stopped. Done. I don't get it....

Anyways, that just really puts me in a hole. Here I was all high on hopes. Was really hoping to work on improving my interaction and communication with her and show her I'm different after coming back from this trip. And I get the bomb. I told her before she starts thinking about us please consult me about it and we'll have a talk. So much for that. How the heck is she suppose to know whether things will be different or if things can work without even trying or give some time?

Anyways, I finally managed to talk her into agreeing on reading "When Love Dies How To Save A Hopeless Marriage" by Judy Bodmer. It's written for the WAW basically. It's very Christian based and relies a lot on God, but hopefully it will trigger something different in my W. She said she promises to read it cover to cover with an open mind, unlike all those other books she stuffed in a draw after saying she's interested in reading them to help us but never touched. She said she will think a bit more. I guess a glimmer of hope is that she said she will really think about the November 16th Retrouvaille in Phoenix. How much in advance does one need to register? I'm hoping maybe 2 weeks would be enough? She has also agreed maybe start out with doing fun family stuff to introduce the fun into this marriage again. Hopefully that will eventually lead to some fun couples time for us. She also says she will try really hard to work on believing the things I say (i.e. loving her for all of her and etc) instead of dismissing them like she had done. I told her that the 3 months before I moved out things were really nice when we both honestly gave effort and tried. She agreed. I told her we just didn't give things enough time. It took us 6-7 years to get to where we are and 3 months isn't gonna fix it especially when her heart isn't in it 100% at the time. If we honestly work hard on this, get professional help, and give it time, things would be so much better than that 3 months. She said she'll think about it.

Ok, I think I've ranted enough with little sleep and all this mess just dumped on me. Any suggestions on how to proceed? Or basically just keep acting as if and wait and see how the book goes and if she'll want to sign up for Retro in 2 weeks?