Maybe the reason you didn't like the doll fetishists was because "the doll" isn't a "true" sexual persona for you. It's not that you object to making yourself look sexy, you just don't want to project the kind of sexy that isn't your kind of sexy.
Perhaps. I'm not sure the doll can be turned into a sexual persona though. Maybe I'm just lacking in imagination. It's not a sexy-looking but a very buttoned-up-flowing-fabric-Madonna-like doll. Nothing that would inspire you to pin her down and have your way with her, if you were a guy, but the type of doll you'd love to have on your arm at an important company dinner.
Why don't you trust him to decide whether or not you're a good partner for him?
Good question. Well, one reason I wouldn't trust him would be that he might be under the influence of sex/love chemicals. Another reason might be that I doubt whether I'm giving him adequate information to make that kind of decision because I'm in a phase of transition or identity crisis. For instance, I said that I think that he admires my cow but I don't really know what form my cow would take in a relationship in which my own children wouldn't be heavily involved.
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Another question would be, is this the right time for you? RHW asked a very good question. Do you want to be in a committed relationship on the day your divorce is final?
I suspect you might prefer is what a friend of mine termed "monogamy without commitment." Some of her guidelines for MWC were no overnights, no meeting the kids, dates plentiful but not assumed, movie nights on a not infrequent basis, plenty of sex and of course, no sex with anybody but each other.
MWC sounds like the kind of relationship that would be good in theory but hard to pull off in reality, at least for me. First off, I wish you would tell me how divorced people with the usual load of adult responsibilities/commitments and custody of their children manage to have plenty of sex and still avoid meeting each others kids or staying overnight without need for the kind of serious planning that would make the dates assumed. Also, besides issues of monogamy and commitment there is also the area of "emotional connection". One problem I might have with MWC is that I wouldn't feel great about signaling to a man "Hey, remember, don't fall in love with me because you're just my "in the meantime" guy.". I would have to make a whole volume of additional rules like "Don't kiss me on the forehead.", " Don't look wistful as you wave goodbye to me from your doorway.", "Don't tell me that you like cuddling with me even better than having sex with me." and "Don't call me just to make sure I got home okay." (All the men I have had sex with since my break-up have done many things that fall under this same category thereby making it impossible for me to view them as "f*ck-buddies" and I would consider MWC without EC to be a sort of mature well-thought out conservative f*ck-buddy relationship...but maybe I'm wrong.)
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My only concern with GP, and this is certainly no slight against him, is that he's very focused on being in a relationship. He's a strong leader, you're very attracted to strong leaders (especially coming out of your R with your STBX), and he's been leading you directly into a full blown R. He required some type of commitment before having sex, iirc. He has plans for merging your lives. I wonder if your willingness to follow a strong leader has gotten you in deeper than you'd really like to be. Perhaps not; I'm only wondering.
I think, as usual, my own "bunkey" self has gotten me in deeper than I'd like to be. I think I wrote in one post that I felt like GP was hypnotizing me into a relationship but girls who are likely to follow rabbits down holes are fairly easy to hypnotize.
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Whatever you do, don't do anything from a mindset of scarcity. You've already seen that you can get all the dates you want and you easily get into Rs with men with whom you're very compatible. If you were guaranteed to be in a relationship with someone as great as GP a year from now, or two years from now, or five years from now, would that change how you'd like your current R with GP to be?
Well, I believe the likelihood that I could be in a relationship with someone "great" at any time is pretty much up to me so it's more like I would need a guarantee that my own functioning would be as good/better and my own desire to be in a relationship would be as good/better which would be a weird or maybe impossible thing to need to have guaranteed.
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I think there's a lot to be said for a stretch of non-R time. If nothing else, it's harder to learn to self-validate when you're getting a lot of other-validation.
I half agree with you. One problem I have is that as a woman I think it's harder to get a feel for how to work on personal development while single. If I tend towards "staking my own claim", I feel like I am in a sense planning/working towards a future that doesn't include being in a relationship with a man with a strong sense of leadership. If I tend towards "filling my hope chest" or "preparing for my debut" I feel pathetic (in fact I feel pathetic even typing it). I wish I could come up with a course of action that would reflect my true post-feminist, neo-primitive desires for a relationship.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Pretty much my Thanksgiving s*cked. GP is hurt/angry because there was a miscommunication about the reason why I didn't invite him to have Thanksgiving with my family. My daughter and son talked to my 2bx on the phone. He called me the day before to ask when/where he could talk to both kids at the same time- like they were some members of his extended family it was okay to just touch base with on the holidays. My daughter had a bad stomach ache before and after the meal and she started crying (she very rarely cries) on the way home which made me feel a little bit guilty because I had been a bit Type 7 cavalier about her stomach ache but also a whole lot angry at my 2bx because I know talking to him probably upset her. Basically I want to kill him for basically abandoning her. He is such a punk-*ss loser.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
... but also a whole lot angry at my 2bx because I know talking to him probably upset her.
Do you have any idea what he said to her?
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
No, unfortunately she is protective of her father (like every other clueless female in his life - excuse me while I puke in retro-active self-disgust) so she wouldn't tell me if I were to ask her directly. However, she might babble about it to me at some point in the future if a related topic comes up.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Pretty much my Thanksgiving s*cked. GP is hurt/angry because there was a miscommunication about the reason why I didn't invite him to have Thanksgiving with my family. My daughter and son talked to my 2bx on the phone. He called me the day before to ask when/where he could talk to both kids at the same time- like they were some members of his extended family it was okay to just touch base with on the holidays. My daughter had a bad stomach ache before and after the meal and she started crying (she very rarely cries) on the way home which made me feel a little bit guilty because I had been a bit Type 7 cavalier about her stomach ache but also a whole lot angry at my 2bx because I know talking to him probably upset her. Basically I want to kill him for basically abandoning her. He is such a punk-*ss loser.
Sorry your thanksgiving s*cked, Mojo.
Unfortunately, people not being mind-readers, miscommunications happen. Is this a scenario where you can simply say "I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding" and he will say the same, and you can kiss and make up? Sometimes that's all it takes.
And sorry your kids having to deal with PAS. That s*ucks royally.
Unfortunately, people not being mind-readers, miscommunications happen. Is this a scenario where you can simply say "I'm really sorry about the misunderstanding" and he will say the same, and you can kiss and make up? Sometimes that's all it takes.
Yeah, I apologized and he said "I'm not mad but I'm going to be mad if you keep apologizing." One thing I like about GP is that he is definitely a good sport which is one advantage of dating the jock/soldier type. The other advantage obviously being the monkey daunting feats of sexual muscularity.
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And sorry your kids having to deal with PAS. That s*ucks royally
Yeah, it does. Anyway, I gave my daughter a little extra maternal attention today and oohed and aahed over her new winter formal and bought her an Xmas Pez dispenser and she seems quite chipper again. I think she and GP would like each other because they both would like to live in a 1950s kitchen in which I was wearing a ruffled apron and cooking meatloaf and they could be helpful, chatty and appreciative. Which is why GP was hurt that I didn't clearly express a preference to spend Thanksgiving with him and why my daughter is insisting that we maintain the tradition of getting a real Xmas tree. Since I feel like they are dead right to feel that way, I've got to get my cow act back together. Really I like my cow. She just got a bad reputation. She's actually pretty useful, warm and generous. She's even kind of sexy if you like "thick" girls who smell like vanilla.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Ket posted this on LP's thread in response to my post that GP said he was more touchy/feely with me than other women and that he wasn't naturally touchy/feely.
You might be right but I'm not too concerned. You have to remember that he was raised in inner city Detroit by the first-African-American-leader-of-a- Marine-commando-squad or something like that and based on his descriptions and a couple pictures I saw I think every one of the women with whom he was previously in a LTR could beat me up with no problem whatsoever. I think that he likes that I give him "permission" to be physically affectionate like if a mastiff who was trained to be a guard dog found itself in the company of a boldly-cuddly toddler.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
You may be absolutely right, and I'm dealing with a sample size of one. But I'm gonna lay my one on you anyhow.
I'm supposed to be making minestrone, so this will be the short version.
My husband grew up in a *very* touch-deprived environment. Well, it was a-lot-of-things deprived, but that was one of the biggies. Example: the first time he could ever remember getting a hug from his mother was on our wedding day.
I didn't see this as a problem; I had enough touch-power and affection for two, as far as I could tell, and he loved to touch and be touched (duh, right; we were in love and he was 20). I'd be the one to help him make up for lost time. Right ....
I have to point out that *now*, after 17 years of marriage and a *lot* of heartache, he is really trying to change his programming on this. But his *default* when stressed, unhappy, sick or just plain distracted by other interests is to draw away physically. To the point, at times, where he would actually recoil subtly from my touch. He certainly didn't initiate. I didn't realize for years the damage that was doing *me*, because I was stuffing my feelings and trying to be a good little soldier. But it *sucked*.
Excuse my ignorance of your backstory .... but didn't you just get out of a marriage with a man who didn't want to touch you and craved your cow?
All I'm saying is .... IMHO ... with his history .... once the novelty wears off .... don't assume that the bunkey will keep getting petted so satisfactorily......
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
once the novelty wears off .... don't assume that the bunkey will keep getting petted so satisfactorily......
Another sample size of one reply:
I don’t remember getting hugged or touched as a kid except for my mother giving me a haircut. I grew up not liking to be touched. That is till I met BB.
She had her hands on me all of the time and I liked it except for the ear pulling and generally weighing me down effect. When she touched me, she applied her weight.
Now I touch her fairly often but she only touches me sometime.
My point is, how do you predict which party is going to revert to their former state?
