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no offense taken jarhead.
the reason i'm going up north is to spend time with his family and so they can spend time with the kids. i will be moving across the country once it's final. also, i am leaving next weekend to spend the holidays with my family. i will be gone for over a month.
his family has been completely supportive of me through all of this. in fact, i used to have problems with his mother and sister in particular. and his mom has actually been my shoulder to cry on through all of this. she has been through a similar situation. my family all lives far away, so sometimes phone calls just don't cut it when i need a hug!
they know alot of what is going on, but not everything. yes, i will admit that i have bashed and so have they. they are upset that he is doing this and also that he has cut them off. he has brought this up to me about his mom. and i told him i would not talk to her about it anymore, but he says he understands i need a shoulder and he's ok with it. if that makes any sense!?
he's pulled the whole lawyer thing before through all of this. but then comes back with an excuse not to. i believe he doesn't want it. he says it after he gets mad. a day after saying it, he'll come back and say, 'but what if we do this instead?' he wants his cake and eat it too.
in fact, one thing he said last week that one of the reasons he doesn't want to file is because it doesn't work out with her, he can roll the dice and see if i'll take him back! wtf!?
but anyways, the trip up north. he knows better than to pull anything up there because his whole family will be there. 18 people in a 2 bedroom 3 bath cottage! and it's supposed to snow on thursday! my booty does not get naked in the snow!
i'm going to enjoy my last holiday with his family and so they can spend time with the kids before we leave.

Sorry... I had to laugh at the "My booty does not get naked in the snow!"



Cool.. just want to make sure you are heading to a friendly environment. Sounds like he's the odd man out. Careful.. could cause trouble. Is he driving? Your car or his.. sorry for all the inquiries.. I'm an analyst (pronounced anal-ist) at heart, so I always check the angles.

So... BIG TIME CAKE EATER!!! Or fence sitter.. or whatever you want to call him.

Your job.. DON'T LET HIM EAT CAKE!!!

If my W was to say the "I could roll the dice" thing.. I'd file the papers myself. I'm not your doormate.. I'm not your "fallback" plan. I'm not "Plan B". Yeah.. she's thinking that now, but if she ever said it... GRRRRR.

It's good you can talk with his mother, but be careful... blood thicker than water and all. Plus the comment "I understand you need a shoulder" tells me he's using her as a double agent. BTDT. Have a good time.. then have a good time with your family.

You deserve it!!

lol. thanks jarhead. yeah, my sense of humor is the only thing really getting me through the tough times!
i personally do not believe in divorce. i will not file. he wants it, he gets it. but i did tell him to not even pick the dice up.
i know it's not going to work out with them. he's already lied to her about many things, and he's told me about it. plus, she already knows about his online thing, because that's how they met!
we are driving up together. and it's my car. his car won't make it. that's one thing this girl has already done to him. he bought a motorcycle right before he left. her ex boyfriend ran it over and he had to buy an old junker car. i found alot of delight in that! lol i actually told him i wished i could've been there to see his face when it happened! he of course didn't think it was too funny.
even tho i talk to his mom about this stuff, i am careful with what i tell her. i do understand the blood is thicker thing.
and he is the odd man out. his other sis and bro in law didn't know about the OW and when he moved back home, he told his bro-in-law how we were going to work it out and blahblahblah. so they're upset that he only gave it a week and he's left again. as far as i know they don't know why he left again. to be with her.
that's why i say he knows better to not try anything up there. they will put him in his place.
i've already decided i will not start anything up there. and i haven't in the past when the whole family is together. i'm friendly, but don't get too close. he's the one who avoids me like the plague.

Well take that humor to the bank then girl!!

Good to know you countered on the dice thing. That's abhorrent.

It's funny how we can see the forrest for the trees yet they can't. That's an issue I've struggled with. She's told OM that I abuse her etc. SOOOOOOO not the case. When my friends and family hear that they laugh. But.. you know how it goes.. jaded views and all.

OMG!!! The motorcycle thing is HILARIOUS!!!! Talk about poetic justice!! WTH is he thinking buying a motorcycle this close to winter anyway?

Sounds like you are setup pretty nice for the holiday. Enjoy.. Enjoy spending time with the kids!!

julz

sorry you are in this place.. but its a safe haven of wonderful people who will listen and offer great advice.

My stitch is somewhat similar to yours, only it was more porn lurking, but then I found out he posted a naked picture of himself on an adult web site and I accidentially found it because he recieved an email from it and I got it.

I don't think he's actuallly had contact with anyone, but I will never know. What I did with My H is I told him that I will not tolerate any of this crap, and if I was to find out again he was doing this sh$$ on line, that would be it. I have given him two chances and this is the last.

My H has a high sex drive. (im getting tired of typing that..lol).. and not that its an excuse, because it isn't, he is very irritable when he doesn't get it. Ive gotten him to tone it down a bit, but its hard sometimes.

Do not let him rope you in thinking this is your fault for one. You have to set some boundaries with him.. I don't necessarily think he's an addict, maybe borderline.. as I have done a lot of reading on the subject.. a real sex addict will have mulitple partners online and offline.. it will totally occupy him day and night.

I read the book "out of the shadows" by patrick carnes.. if you would like I can mail it to you. Send me a email at tem420@gmail.com. Anyway also there are extremes like a said, they talk about rapists etc.. which doesn't apply here, so like I said he may be borderline.. I think my h is.

If you feel comfortable going you should go for your kiddies.. they don't know whats going on and if they can spend some time with other family that's great.

boundaries,boundaries,boundaries.. if he wants to reconcile you need to have boundaries.. and there needs to be consequences if he breaks them.

My heart breaks for you, im so sorry you are going through this especially with two little ones at home.

Take care of yourself.

tal

so he saw a lawyer today. his newest thing is, he wants me to go sit with HIS lawyer, have him explain everything to me, decide on everything, the lawyer rights everything up and H goes and files it. the judgement is what we agree on. wow. i can't believe he thinks i'm that ignorant!!!!!
i told him no. i would not meet with his lawyer because his lawyer is there to get HIM the best deal. he doesn't care about me or the kids. so his job is to work for H. not me. he says he won't file until we do this because his lawyer told him this is the cheapest way to do it.
$1000 a month for child support. if he continues to make the payment on the van that is in his name that I drive, then the child support goes down. no spousal support even tho i'm a stay at home mom. no nothing. no help with day care because i will have to get a job. just the child support.
and he will be signing my child support payment himself. they will not garnish his wages, even tho he is military because the military will not be involved. that's what he says.
good grief. i didn't just fall off the truck this morning!!!!

My dear... time to seek representation immediately.

So sorry this happened day before Thanksgiving!!

Yeah.. my W's L tried to pull the same crap. 50/50 custody and I pay 94% of the child support. I refused maintenance our version alimony.

As for the garnishment.. W's L pushed for that, but the judge said it didn't have to be that way. Won that one.

He won't file unless you do it his way? Perfect.. do a free consult.. have the lawyer tell you what you already know then tell H "I've consulted a lawyer and he/she said you are out of your ever loving mind. Ball is in your court"

No muss... No fuss. Let him make the next move.

Funny.. my W wanted me to file. Heeeeelll no. Then she asked for Atty fees. Knucklehead thought I'd bite.. Hello!!

Military huh? How are you with his command? I'd think a well placed call regarding porn etc would be in order.

"Hi.. I'm Miss Smith.. one of your guys met up with me online and now I'm (pick you poision)"

Trust me... calls like this get LOTS of attention.

Just a thought.

Might also be a good idea to ask to speak to the JAG. Judge Advocate General. (Hope I'm not insulting). Usually a core of Lt's or Captains. They would probably be able to give you a better idea of what can/can't be done military wise.

Again.. just some thoughts.

I would have to put in here to think very carefully about calling his 1st Shirt or anyone else on this. If you do end up staying together, or even not, this could VERY adversely affect his career. I would even venture to say if he's looking at porn at work, he could get kicked out.

Yeah.. that's a "the gloves are off" move.

Would be a good way for him to get help though.

Ehh.. just another angry "cheated on" speaking.

Carry on.. nothing to see here.

I appreciate your input jarhead.
As far as garnishment, he can't even give me money for groceries, much less that much money for child support. So I'm going to fight that one tooth and nail.As far as the alimony. I'm a stay at home mom. When we moved here, I looked for a job for over a year, before I found something through a temp agency and then they laid me off while on maternity leave. The economy is just as bad where I'll be moving as it is here. I'm going to be flipping burgers (no offense to anyone who does it!). I have no college education. Only experience. And I'll be living here until it's final.
I have gone to a divorce seminar here and they've told me the opposite of everything he has told me.
Yeah, he says that when we come to agreement about everything, he'll file. I love that. just another reason for him not too. Why is it that they think that because THEY screwed up, WE have to be the one do something about it!? Why should WE have to pay the money to fix THEIR problem!?
As far as his command. Right now, we are living the civilian life. Recruiting. The closest base is an Air National Guard base. Closest JAG is in Chicago, a few hours away. When I go to see my family next weekend, I'll be visiting the JAG office there. 20 minutes from their house. I've already contacted them.
I so wish I could call his command. I'm not too familiar with them. I don't even have his chief's phone number. that's one thing I really miss about the military lifestyle, is the commraderie(sp?). I always had full access to his command before. We knew everyone and if we ever had any problems, they called us before we could call them. I so miss that! Now, I've met a couple of the guys that he works with, and I think 2 of the wives. I know where his office is, and the phone number, but that's really about it.